Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Normal life?
I have struggled since losing Carter on how I will ever go back to my normal life. How do I go back to what life was like before this happened. I read something recently that time for Brent and I will always be before Carter and after Carter. I think about how do I go back to doing things I loved before? Will life ever be the same? Will the pain of seeing new first time moms ever change for me? Then I am reminded that the Lord is in control even down to these details. I worry that no one will want to come to see me as a therapist again, because they will fear that I am no longer able to do counseling. I wasn't able to do counseling on my own before Carter. It was only through the grace and the use of God's Word that I was able to minister before this. This week I have had a few families call me already asking for appointments. Even some of the calls and the "issues" people are calling about makes me see God's hand. I don't feel like I will have the same drive to take on as many families as I did before (at least for awhile), but I know and am seeing God's hand again! I stayed concerned how we will make it financially Lord. Medical records cost money, the birth certificate they suggested we get cost money, the death certificate cost money. Lord I need to work to be responsible, but I don't want to do anything out of God's will either! Just another mater of trust. I have always trusted the Lord, but since Carter, I understand what a total dependence on God is. It is more than just a trust in the Lord, but a dependence on breathing, eating, sleeping, talking, walking, driving my car without worrying, watching my husband leave the house concerned if he will come home again, and so much more. A TOTAL dependence that God is God and I am not! HE is in charge and knows what the future holds. No matter how much I worry, or how concerned I am over EVERYTHING, God is in charge and there is nothing I can do to change that! Thank you Lord for your faithfulness.
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4 comments:
Somebody recently said to me that each event in our lives shapes our thinking, so that what was normal before isn't what is normal now. Even if it is something as simple as hitting a curb as you round a corner, from them on you are more aware and have a different mindset when turning corners. This experience is shaping yall in so many ways and givng you new perspectives on so many things that, when you really think about it, you just can't go back to what was normal before. You wouldn't want to.
Your words touch my heart, Jenna. What a hope we have because He lives and because we believe! I can't fathom what you are both going through but I do know your faith will carry you through the darkest of days and that one day you will have another sweet child...not to love in place of Carter but in addition to.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit."
Jenna-your words inspire me so much. I look up to you for your service with the Lord. So, many experinces that I have been through it makes me stronger. I always keep in mind God is our refuge from the storm and will protect us. The words that you use though, is heartwarming and brings joy to me. I love you!!
Hi Jenna,
I ended up on your blog by clicking on a comment link for a friend of a friend's blog. I am so very sad for your loss.
As Christians we are called to both mourn and rejoice with one another. Just wanted you to know that I'll be praying for you and your husband. Praying that God will grant you the peace that passes understanding, healing of your pain, grace to help others by sharing your story. Also praying that some day in the future, in His perfect timing, He will bless you with a second dear child to love and to raise to love Jesus as you do. Thank you for sharing your story.
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