Friday, August 29, 2008

In the Middle of a Storm - Literally

We were given the opportunity to go to AL. near Gulf Shores for a brief get away from life as we know it in Lawrenceville. It is funny that I kept feeling like life was very much a hurricane the past few weeks. Everything has been moving so fast and has been overwhelming and feels like a dream. One minute I feel peace (the eye of a storm) the next minute the flood gates are open and nothing makes sense to us. Our hope was to take a retreat from "life" and all of the normal activities that we take part in. But being here is so peaceful (the little town we are in is so quiet. There are only 790 people that live here, and my mind begins to replay the events of the last few weeks, it hard to just be still and not continue to "do." It doesn't appear that we will be affected by the actually hurricane where we are staying, but of course that could change tomorrow. I keep trying to seek the Lord and all that He is doing. At the same time, there are moments still that I just want to ask the question why. Not that I shouldn't ask why, but I don't want to go down that road and drive myself crazy. In my mind I know God is good and this isn't punishment or that there is a totally logically answer this side of heaven. At the same time, I try to avoid touching my stomach and feeling so empty, but how can you avoid doing that? For the first few week after Carter's death, I had been looking forward to other babies and saying, how quickly can we have another child. I still feel that way, but I also get so mad that I just can't have Carter. That I just can't hold Carter one more time. That I can't have a new picture of Carter to put up on my wall.

On the other hand, I am doing a bible study at church on Heaven by Randy Alcorn. (I had not planned on taking this study, but it seemed appropriate and what the Lord wanted me to do this semester). I am seeing heaven in a whole new way. The idea of heaven and the concept of heaven is still overwhelming to me, but it is more clear to me now. The more I am understanding God's Word the more comfort I feel. (isn't it amazing that even after studying the Bible for almost 5 years in seminary, there is always so much more to understand and learn! Thank you Jesus for that! This is why God and His Word is grander than our finite imagination)

Today Wrigley, Brent and I had a wonderful drive to Silverhill, AL. We stopped and ate at Brent's favorite fast food restaurant, Whataburger. They are mostly located in Texas (of course) but there are a few here in AL. It was a treat for sure. Carla, was the lady that took our order and was a sweet Christian women. She is from the same city Brent graduated high school from. There was another lady in the restaurant that was from near by that same city. It turned out, Carla's husband owned the Whataburger and was going to have to sell the restaurant soon. He was looking for what the Lord wants him to do next. He is an ordained SBC minister. It was so neat to hear this families story and take my mind off myself for just a minute. Especially since there have been days when I am in a store or just driving down the road and want to tell people who are rushing around, laughing having a great time... What are you doing? Don't you have a clue what we have just been through? This is why it really was uplifting to talk with our new friend in the Lord! Thank you Lord for these reminders of your goodness.

I have some great pictures of Brent eating his lunch. I will post them when I can get to my own computer.

I know we will have good and bad days. Anytime I experience additional change, I have a bad day. (regardless of what is going on in my life, I am not a person who loves change!) My weepyness sometimes takes over and I will cry over everything and anything. I pray that tomorrow will be more relaxing and that God will continue to provide comfort for my soul.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Normal life?

I have struggled since losing Carter on how I will ever go back to my normal life. How do I go back to what life was like before this happened. I read something recently that time for Brent and I will always be before Carter and after Carter. I think about how do I go back to doing things I loved before? Will life ever be the same? Will the pain of seeing new first time moms ever change for me? Then I am reminded that the Lord is in control even down to these details. I worry that no one will want to come to see me as a therapist again, because they will fear that I am no longer able to do counseling. I wasn't able to do counseling on my own before Carter. It was only through the grace and the use of God's Word that I was able to minister before this. This week I have had a few families call me already asking for appointments. Even some of the calls and the "issues" people are calling about makes me see God's hand. I don't feel like I will have the same drive to take on as many families as I did before (at least for awhile), but I know and am seeing God's hand again! I stayed concerned how we will make it financially Lord. Medical records cost money, the birth certificate they suggested we get cost money, the death certificate cost money. Lord I need to work to be responsible, but I don't want to do anything out of God's will either! Just another mater of trust. I have always trusted the Lord, but since Carter, I understand what a total dependence on God is. It is more than just a trust in the Lord, but a dependence on breathing, eating, sleeping, talking, walking, driving my car without worrying, watching my husband leave the house concerned if he will come home again, and so much more. A TOTAL dependence that God is God and I am not! HE is in charge and knows what the future holds. No matter how much I worry, or how concerned I am over EVERYTHING, God is in charge and there is nothing I can do to change that! Thank you Lord for your faithfulness.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


My last post was REALLY LONG!! But I wanted to give you all a few things to lift us up with:

*Still the emotional roller coaster we have daily. The strength for Brent and I to lean on the Lord and each other each moment.

*Still physical healing for me. Some days I feel better than others. I keep thinking that it has been longer than 2 weeks and I should be able to run around like nothing happened.

*Jenna making a decision about getting back to work. Financially I need to go back to work ASAP! But, on the other hand, we don't want to dismiss the miracles the Lord is working out!

* Finances! God is providing for us in BIG ways! Hospital and doctor bills are starting to show up now. We are trusting God to continue to show off! (we have so many stories to share already of ways that he has begun to provide for us!)

* God to continue to be glorified through the life of our Little Missionary, Carter

*God will continue to bless the ministry of North Metro Child Development Center Memorial Fund

If anyone is interested in donating a gift in Carter's name, please donate to The Carter Spears Memorial Fund. This fund is to be used for the Child Development Center to provide 2-kindergartner's Christian Education and an opportunity to learn about Christ. Please send donations to 1026 Old Peachtree Road, Lawrenceville, GA 30043. Make sure to put in the memo In memory of Carter Spears!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Christopher Carter Spears

5 Minutes old! I love the dark skin

So I have said that I would post the story of Carter's birth. Of course it has taken me a little time to do this. It's funny that I have told his story so many times to people in person, but there is something permanent about writing it down on this blog. Today was such a tough day, and I have done a lot of journaling this evening and felt like it was appropriate for me to share our story while I was on a role. I think it will be therapeutic as well (great counseling word!)

The story goes back to about 6 weeks before I had Carter. A friend of mine at church named Lisa N. (which I have several friends at church named Lisa) has a sister who lost her baby at 21 weeks. When I heard that this had happened my heart was broken for this lady. I remember standing in a doorway at church talking to Lisa about her sister and what had just happened. My friend Lisa N. (both of my friends Lisa, Lisa B and Lisa N) tried to reassure me that just because something like this happened to someone else, doesn't mean that this will happen to me. Both of my friends knew how anxious I was already about having a baby and hearing this news was not making things better. But I felt the Lord remind me on that day that this baby does not belong to Brent and I. Our baby belongs to Him and that His plan is perfect. It was not impossible for me to also lose a child! It was strange because it wasn't a thought or feeling that stayed with me, but just a reminder that I can't hold on too tightly what does not belong to me, but to the Lord. The next 5 weeks went just great as far as pregnancy. I was way beyond morning sickness and was starting to appear pregnant and was really kicking into gear regarding the planning stage. Brent and I had set aside each Saturday during August to clean, organize and plan out different rooms that we would be cleaning, getting ready for the baby.
On Sunday (the week before Carter was born) I began to have some light discharge (sorry men!) It wasn't anything abnormal. If you have kept up with my blog you will have read how I had a constant sinus infection. My midwife said all of this was normal! ALL OF IT!! So of course, I didn't think anything of the event on Sunday. This continued through Wednesday without causing me any concern. On Thursday morning, I woke up around 4:30 with the feeling that I had to go to the bathroom so badly. I went to the restroom and felt like I had a little bit of "gushing water" but again nothing to strange. The strange part came when I was unable to stop going to the restroom for the next two hours. It just kept coming, but again the strange part was I felt like I was able to control it. Finally around 6 am things began to slow down and I fell back to sleep. I woke up with Brent when it was time for him to go to work and decided to call my friend Jen to ask what she thought was happening! (She is normally our "family doctor!") She suggested I call my doctor. So after debating the events, I made the call. I talked to a midwife I had not seen yet. I talked to her about what I was experiencing and she felt there was no need to be concerned. I asked her what she thought was happening and she said the only thing she would be concerned about is a UTI. But even that she thought would be okay to wait until the next day to come in and get tested. I pushed her a little and asked what if it wasn't a UTI and this was fluid leaking. (by this point I am in tears with her). She told me that I would be referred to a counselor because my baby would not live at this stage. I was so scared at that point. I called Brent and I called Jen in tears not knowing what to do. This midwife suggested I go shopping for the day since I had no counseling appointments. (yet another reason for my husband to be upset with her. First for being too blunt and second for giving me permission to spend money we do not have!)

SO... I went to Brent's office to spend some time with him and try to get my mind off of things. It didn't work. We went to lunch and the leaking did not stop. It was very slow, but still strange to me. I decided to go to the library and check out the book "What to expect when your expecting." Again a strange thing for me to do. I had avoided this book because of what I had heard about it being overwhelming. As I was sitting in the parking lot, I made the decision to call my midwife (my primary midwife who I love!) She told me to come on in and get tested for a UTI. So I did. The results came back negative, but she went ahead and put me on an antibiotic anyway. I went home and had a better night Thursday night. I still had the leaking feeling, but less worry which allowed me to sleep. On Friday I had arranged to go to the movies with my friend Lisa B. and her son. I was fine during the movie, except that I was exhausted and feel asleep a few different times (that is not like me at all). After the movie, I came home to start dinner and felt so tired I laid down on the sofa and tried to relax. I was getting ready to watch the opening ceremonies of the Olympics.

After about an hour or so of laying down, I told Brent I was going to try to lay down in our bed and see if I felt better. I only felt worse. My back began to slowly hurt by this point and the leaking was still happening and making me feel more uncomfortable. I was confident that the medicine I was taking just had not had a chance to kick in and I needed more time. Brent finally fell asleep and I decided to go into the other bedroom and sleep. I took a bottle of bengay (I LOVE BEGAY BY THE WAY!!) and start to rub my legs and back to see if the pain would go away. Nothing was working. I went into wake up Brent about 1:00 am (which I never do) to see if he would help me. He began to rub me down with bengay, as well as run a bath. He got online to see what the symptoms of a kidney infection were and we both were sure that this is what was happening. After a very long night of extreme pain, discomfort, a second bath and a lot of bengay, we decided that this was a kidney infection and I needed to do something. I called my mom first thing in the am to ask her opinion. She suggested calling the doctor as well. So I did. After a long talk, the on call midwife suggested I drink a lot of fluids and try to wait it out. She was concerned that if I went to the ER I would wait and wait and it would turn out that my antibiotic had not had 48 hours in my system yet and I would be sent home anyway. So I drank 60 ounces of fluids and rolled around in pain before calling Jen again and asking her what a kidney infection felt like. She assured me that getting the right medication would get rid of the pain right away. After much thought and the Lord's prompting, I told Brent to take me to the ER! (this is a BIG deal for me! I have never been before and normally would have never ask to go without a panic attack)

We got to the ER around 1. There was no wait at all. I was taken back right away. After a little panic of all the test (blood stuff they wanted to do) I didn't care what happened, I just wanted my back to feel better. I had a PA come in and run all of the test first. She was a little rough, but was trying to just figure out what was wrong. She had also thought that I had a kidney infection or maybe kidney stones, to which she said nothing could be done. Then an ER doctor came in and said that all of this was normal for being 22 weeks along. The baby was moving a lot and stretching and this is what happens. He gave me a RX for Lortab and gave me a powerful drug in my IV that he promised would take away a lot of the pain. IT DIDN'T EVEN TOUCH IT. While we were waiting for test results, they listened to the babies heart beat and then sent me to have an ultrasound. I was nervous because they also talked to me about my appendix, but I was excited to see the baby again. After returning from the Ultrasound, the PA came in and told me that there was an infection and that I would have to be admitted! This is when everything started to pick up and go fast for us. I kept asking what was wrong and what would have to be done and when would I go home. The PA said that she would be calling someone from my doctors office to look at the test and give her further instructions. She even mentioned that they may just let me go home with drugs. Then doctor Doris came into the room. He was from my OB's office. He checked my heart and vitals and then pulled up a chair and said he knew what was wrong! (I will never forget hearing him say what was next!) So many of the doctors and nurses were joking around with us that it was hard to know what was serious and what wasn't. Dr. Doris was not into jokes at all. He came close and said... "I know exactly what is happening and it is very bad, very very bad!" I have terrible news!" Brent said his heart dropped. I asked if he was kidding. He said no, and then said.. "Jenna you have an infection in your uterus and there is no fluid left around the baby." Brent asked "What?" I was in so much pain by this point that I was unable to sit still. I still could not believe what this man was telling us. There is no way that he was right. But at the same time, I knew right away what was going to happen. I knew that this baby would be going home with Jesus that same night! Just 6 weeks ago the Lord had prepared my heart for the events of August 9, 20o8. Dr. Doris explained to us that there was an infection and the only way to get it out of me at this point was to give birth. He said the infection was so bad that we needed to do something right away to protect both myself and the baby. I heard him saying that I was in danger, even though he never said those words. By God's grace, Brent never thought about this either and did not hear this same message from the doctor. I couldn't have handled him being in more of a panic. My white blood cells were at 28.6 at this point and they should had been around 4 to 10. Brent and I both told Dr. Doris that we knew God had a plan and that we believe in life and that no matter what, we wanted him to try and save our baby. He told us that if this baby lived, the baby would be very sick and have Cerebral Palsy so badly that the baby would never walk, see, talk or have any kind of normal life. Brent and I both agreed that we would be fine with that. Dr. Doris agreed with our second opinion idea, but felt like my pain in back was possibly the first signs of labor. He said that they would take me to L and D and I would be induced , and after several hours we would deliver our baby! Dr. Doris checked me just in case, (if I had not been in labor there was still a little hope that I would be able to hold off for a few more weeks with some medical intervention.) But God had a different plan. I was already 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced. So I was taken up to Labor and Delivery right away. (it felt like that! I am still unsure how fast it was). Brent immediately began to cry when Dr. Doris left the room. We both had so much guilt and questions. I had SO MUCH pain that crying wasn't an option for me. Dealing with what was happening wasn't what I could do either. I was in shock and in PAIN! We called my parents, and a few friends to ask for support and prayer.

I was taken up to L and D in a wheelchair, and as I got off the elevator, Lisa B, greeted us. They asked her to wait until we figured out what was happening. Brent and I asked if she would call our mentors Jack and Pat, but before we could finish the sentence, they came around the corner, saying they were praying. I was taken into a room were we were going to wait for the second opinion. I was a little concerned (just a little because I WAS STILL IN PAIN) that a man would be delivering this baby. My dream was to have my midwife help me do this. Brent stepped into the hallway for a second to look to see who was in the hall, when he noticed our midwife standing out there! We both were rejoicing. Again, perfect timing. The next part was so fast. I kept begging everyone to give me drugs to help my pain and for someone to get my friend Lisa B to come in the room and hold our hands! It felt like no one was listening to me. Finally the man with the second opinion came and said that he agreed with Dr. Doris. Jonnie (my midwife) was told to check me to see if the pain I had was possible making me go further along, therefore not needing medication or even inducing. When she checked I was already 10cm! I really think the time was about 15 minutes or so from when I was 2 cm to 10 cm. Jonnie said it was time to push and I said, "NOT WITHOUT LISA! SOMEONE PLEASE GO GET HER!" Again, as the Lord would have it, Lisa was walking down the hallway and Jonnie went to the door and said Lisa, come on in. Three pushes later, my perfect little baby boy, Christopher Carter Spears was born at 7:04 pm. He weighed 1 lb 2 oz and was 11 1/2 inches long. He was amazing. I was overwhelmed with the whole process. I couldn't believe in that moment, I was a mom and my sweet husband was a father. The first questioned I asked was, "What it is?" We had not know the sex of the baby yet. Jonnie proudly said, "It's a boy!" To see the look in my husband's eyes when they announced that he had a son, was so priceless. He was so proud. The nurses confirmed that he was not breathing on his own, but in fact had a strong heartbeat and that it would not be long before he would go home with Jesus! (both of our nurses were strong believers, so they knew where we were coming from!) The pain in my body was finally going away. It was the pain in my heart that started to kick in. I asked for everyone in the waiting room that had come, to come on in and that we needed to pray, sing and read God's word! I was shocked to see over 20 people file into the room. It was a bittersweet time for sure. Lisa's husband, Steve, led the prayer and reading. Another friend Lisa S. led us in songs. We sang and prayed until the exact moment, 8:25 pm, that Carter went home to be with Christ. He was so sweet. He looked exactly like Brent and I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. He even had a slight smile as he was entering into Glory! To be there for the moment when your child receives salvation is an amazing experience! It's not in the order, but still... AMAZING!

We were allowed to have Carter stay with us all night long and into the next day. We had friends come in and out for hours on Saturday and Sunday. Our pastor came by on Saturday night to visit us. I told Dr. Cox that we were taking his advice from his book and trusting God's heart because we couldn't trace his hand! That is what got us through that night.

On Sunday, the hardest day of my life, at 5:15 pm, I placed my precious boy into the arms of our nurse, Tiffany (another believer), making her promise not to place Carter into the morgue, but to give him to the funeral director! Brent and I had spent close to 2 hours alone with Carter just talking to him, crying, praying and trying to savor each second we had with our son! We had told Tiffany that at 5:30 we would be ready to give her Carter! The Lord, again by His grace, prompted us to give him up at 5:15 on Sunday, Aug 10th, 2008! By 6pm we left Gwinnett Medical Hospital changed. We had become parents to a sweet little boy, and at the same time had made a deposit in heaven. Bittersweet for sure!

Still unsure of what exactly the answers to what happened, my midwife called me on Monday to tell me that the results of my UTI test came back that I was a carrier of Group B Strep. Also my pathology report gave the same results. We will get more information at my 6 week appointment. For now, as hard as it has been, we are still trusting God's heart. Jerm. 29:11 promises He has a plan and it is for good! Just to type my son's name makes me smile. To say his name hurts, but at the same time brings me joy to my heart. Only the joy a parent knows!

Just Sad

It's been a few days since I have blogged. We have had a lot of friends and family that have come to stay with us. Brent went back to work last week Thursday for a full day of work. I thought that it would be harder than it was, but I again had lots to do (I have been drying flowers) and lots of people coming over and spending time with me. SO it still has not felt like I have been all alone yet.

The flower project is coming along great. We had gotten so many incredible flowers for Carters funeral and I really wanted to save them. My friend Lisa N. has been working with me to dry the flowers and then we will put them on in a wreath so we will always have that special memory of Carter. It will be so beautiful and special.

This past weekend we had a friend Tammy from NOLA come into town to be with us. It was a special time. It was so nice to be able to just talk and have her listen to my thoughts. (my chatty Cathy status) Although now that she is gone and my house is quiet, it's gets harder to hold back the tears. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. I want friends and people around, and then I just sit and cry so hard that I want to be left alone! Some moments it is so hard to go by Carter's bedroom (I have no choice, since his room is across from ours), and other times I can't sit in there long enough. I want so much to just 100% depend on the Lord, but some times it is so hard to even hear him in the midst of this sadness. Saturday night I sat down to read yet another book on grief, or regarding medical information on what happened on Aug 9th to my body, but the Lord impressed on me that I needed to just read His Word. So I read Psalms' 1-4. I came across Psalm 3:3- But Thou O Lord, are a shield about me, My glory and the One who lifts my head. I sat there reading that verse again and again and again. Where had I heard that before? Was this a praise song? I heard this verse in my head over and over and could not place it. I finally finished reading and went to sleep. I woke up Sunday still bothered by where I heard this verse! As the choir at church began there special music on Sunday, tears swelled up in my eyes and I couldn't keep from telling Brent... "This song is what I read in my bible last night!" This is where I have heard this song before. God is always on time. He was giving me such a personal message through His word and during the service. To top it all off, Sunday evening we had two baby dedications during the service. That was a little bit tougher to deal with. But following the dedication, two people stood up to sing "I will Praise you in this storm" by Casting Crowns! I could hardly believe it. I wanted to text message my friend Lisa, who was sitting in the front of church and I was in the back. I was afraid her phone would be on and I would cause more drama than it was worth. It didn't matter she got the message and was shocked too! What a personal God we serve!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Praise you in this Storm

This Casting Crown Song was played on Thursday at Carter's funeral. I looked it up this morning and found the following video. I have to say it seemed easier during the first few days to Praise the Lord during this Storm. But as today is the 10th day we have been without our precious son Carter, each day is getting tougher. I really expected things to get easier. I keep going through stages of anger. Not with the Lord, but just with life and the World. I hate this feeling. I am really starting to hate being ignored, or having people treat us different. People calling with the sympathy sound in their voice to ask how we are. Even friends that are ignoring us because they do not know what to say. There are moments when I think I can't go on, because my heart and arms hurt so deeply. I know that God will sustain us and that He will carry us through this storm for sure.

God has brought several people into our lives during this storm. There is one family, The Chappell's who lost their son Asher about 45 minutes after we lost Carter. I went to college with Dan. Just thought that was amazing how God is bringing people in our situation right to us. All the people in the world that have been through this will not help bring my Carter back to my arms. It is comforting to know that we are not alone. We will continue to Praise the Lord even in this Storm.

Prayer request that are burdening my heart:

*My physical health - still healing from the infection and giving birth

*Brent needing to go back to work and leaving me alone

*Emotional healing (my ache arms, broken heart, empty feeling in my stomach)

*Overwhelming desire to have more children and the health concerns that come along with that

*Trusting the Lord to take care of our financial needs (I am not working, and since I am a contractor that is tough. Plus the hospital bills, funeral cost and all that comes with this situation)

* Brent and I to learn how to just be in this situation. To be honest with how we feel and not try be over cautions towards how others are feeling so that we are not making them uncomfortable being around us (we are learning to just be and be okay with grief right now)

* God will provide for the memorial fund in Carter's honor at our church.

Thank you in advance for the prayers!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

For every tear drop there will be a joy

Dr. Cox, my pastor, told us (well he told me directly in the service) that for each tear I shed there will be a joy. He shared how after he lost his first wife Debbie on July 4th, his daughter was born on June 30th and his son was due on Debbie's birthday. Just small joys on days of tears. God gave this to us today. Brent and I went to church this morning. I had been fine on the way to the service, but as soon as I found a seat I lost it. I cried a majority of the service, but especially during the music. We are having a one day revival and the service was really great. The evangelist, Sam Cathy, was excellent. Although my guilt set in when he spoke of our sins that hinder our blessings! Brent was so sweet and helped me remember that God did not do this to us, but was not surprised by this either. We live in a broken world and while we cannot explain everything - we can trust Him. Back to my joy. So... after leaving church, we skipped Sunday School {not ready yet} and went to see Carter. Each time we go, it gets harder. I know it will get easier, but right now, it's so hard to think of him and know a week ago I held him in my arms. Now I have to look at a flower arrangement and a bunch of dirt! Tons more crying. We finally left Carter, because my head hurt so bad and decided we would use a "buy one get one free" coupon for lunch. I never wanted Mexican food while I was pregnant with Carter, but today I finally did and Brent jumped for joy (he loves Mexican) I found my coupon and we went up to the restaurant. The place we went we had never been before. It was a good 20 minutes away. Nothing special, except that we could eat there for the price of McDonald's after my coupon. We walk into and there is a family that is getting up to leave and walking out the door. It was the nurse that delivered Carter!!! Trisha. She was an amazing women of God that night. She recognized us right away as we recognized her immediately. She came and hug us both and loved on us and asked how we were doing. Brent was overwhelmed, because when she left to go home last week, he never got to say goodbye. Seeing her today did not take away any pain in losing Carter, but the joy I felt in my heart by seeing her and knowing how special she is to Brent and I, was overwhelming. Thank you Lord for the Joy in my tears today.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Family photo

I tried so hard to post the last post at 7:04p and it didn't work. (which is fine). *update: figured out how to manually change the time, so now it officially posted at 7:04p - yeah! I did want to share with many of you our family photo! I will treasure this picture and just how sweet my husband and Carter look in this picture. I thank each of you for the prayers you have prayed for us. The tears you have shed for us. The love and compassion you have given us. Today was the first day that everyone was gone and we woke up to an empty house. I am running from the silence and know my husband will go back to work one day and I will be home alone! I know I will be okay on the other side of this hurt and hope that soon we will be able to have more children. Being on this side of all of this, is so strange and yet I am learning so much already. I hope no one has to go through what we have been through. But if they do, I look forward to sharing how the Lord has comforted us during this time.

I will share Carter's story and everything that happened last Saturday as well as the good things God has done. Just can't bring myself to write that today, just a week after it happened. Just one neat thing that did happen today, Brent hates texting on cell phones! I love texting. He has won this battle up until now and said that we can't get texting on our phones. I was given texting as a "bereavement gift" (never heard of that before now, but love this gift for sure) so that I can text some of my best friends throughout the day witout having to use words and cry. I called to add the texting today. I didn't mention to the lady that I knew I had a ton of text messages this week at .20 per message. The Verizon lady came back on the phone and said that she noticed a lot of texts and backdated my service to cover all of those calls over the past week or so! Isn't God good even in the little things. This of course made my husband happy and me cry. Thank you Lord!

The Spears family

Jenna, Brent and Carter Spears

Life Changing Moment

Today has been hard. It doesn't feel real that a week ago today I was laying in the ER begging for medication and confident that my back pain was nothing more than a kidney infection. I would of course have taken a kidney infection over what it becoming so real. As 7:04p becomes closer and closer, my heart hurts more and more. Brent and I went out today to try and do a few things that we needed to do. I never imagined that it would be so hard to be in pubic and see how many babies are around. I have felt a ton of guilt today. I keep thinking about how many times I complained about being pregnant. I want to be pregnant right now so bad and I can barely stand it. It's becoming harder to remember what it felt like to have Carter in my stomach. And then every so often I think I feel him kicking me again. Then my arms start to ache and my heart breaks. I had said that I wanted his room door closed because I couldn't stand to go in there. I went in this morning to see the new bedding that Jen Jordan made for him and set up. His crib is beautiful. His room is amazing! It's just missing him.

I woke up today at 6:00 am. This was the first morning that I slept past 3:00 am. I went into Carter's room and picked up his quilt and climbed back into bed and fell back asleep crying and clinging to that quilt. With each day, I become more and more angry. Never at the Lord but at the sinfulness of this world. I hate that we are living this right now. I hate that I feel sad to see sweet babies. I hate that I feel jealous of other women and families as they celebrate the life of their child. I had someone tell me this morning that they were sorry for my loss but it was time to move on and to dry up the tears! (she is not a believer and is dealing with this in her own way. I understand that) This is how I feel about life. Life is going on quickly and my situation is not. I feel frustrated that people can just move on and I can't seem to do the same. I keep going back in my mind to the movie Facing the Giants. The main character asks his wife, if they never have a baby will she still trust Him? I have asked that question to myself so many times. I WILL still trust HIM!! It just hurts so bad right now, that I can not breathe.

At the same time, I can't get the song out of my mind "Blessed be the Name of the Lord!" He gives and takes away, but Blessed be His name!

Our lives will never be the same. One week ago we became parents to Christopher Carter Spears at 7:04 pm on August 9, 2008. Within 1 hour 21 minutes, Carter entered into the arms of Jesus and will forever live in eternity! As hard as this is, I have to lean on the fact that God knew this and will bring restoration and healing! Joy through tears!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Made it

It's a minute before midnight on Thursday, August 14, 2008, the day Brent and I buried our baby boy Carter. As a parent it is not supposed to happen this way. In fact we are supposed to be the one that is buried by own children. Oh how we wish that had been the experience for us. But today was beautiful. We had so many laughs, lots of love and a worshipful service to remind us of God's love. Our pastor reminded me that with each tear there will be a joy. I can't wait for joys. We actually had a joy today. Brent and I were able to hold Carter once more today. He didn't smell like the weak little baby when he was first born. He had a lot of make-up on and felt different than when we last held him on Sunday. But...he reminded me today so much of Brent. Even more today than on Saturday and Sunday. What a honor it is as a mother that my son looks just like my husband. As Brent peacefully sleeps right now, I can't help but to laugh as I lay on his chest and stare at his face remembering the peacefulness of my Carter. I will blog more about the day and all that it entailed. The funny things and the sadness and also the joy it all brought. I just had to say something tonight so I will always be reminded of how I felt at the end of this "dreadful day." I am falling asleep singing" Jesus, son of God in all the earth I praise you!"

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Just have to share

This has been a long week and weekend and it is only Tuesday night. As I sit on my bed and have begun to make "milk" I can't help to feel, "this all really stinks!!!" I am trying to be as strong as I can, but this is such foreign territory for me that it's hard to know what to feel and say and do. I will share Carter's birth story and more of what happened last week/weekend after the funeral is over this week. I downloaded some pictures today and found one that I will never forget. I wanted to share with you all the picture of Brent holding his son. He was so proud and excited when he heard those precious words "it's a boy!" Thank you for letting me share this with you and allowing me in the days to come to share what we are going through. We love you guys (all of our blogging friends and family) for supporting us, praying for us, giving to us right now.

Have you ever seen a prouder papa?

Monday, August 11, 2008

Homecoming - Bitter/Sweet

Friends, it is with a very broken heart that we share about our son's Heavenly Homecoming. Christopher Carter Spears was born into our arms on 08-09-08 at 7:04p and passed into Christ's loving arms at 8:25p. We are having a celebration service at our church North Metro First Baptist Church in Lawrenceville, GA on Thursday 2:00 and graveside to follow.
We are clinging to God's promises ... especially, "my Grace IS sufficient" - which it has been.
Thank you for continuing to pray for us during this time for healing and for us to "be still and know that He is Lord".

Clinging to His heart when we can't always trace His hands~
Brent and Jenna

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Week 22

Nothing new and exciting is happening right now! Just lots of work and cleaning and organizing is happening here at the Spears home. I can hardly believe it is already August. There is hope that December will come fast this year. I told Brent this morning that I can't wait for this baby to arrive, but once it is here, I want time to stand still so the baby will never grow up! Funny how that works that way. Brent didn't agree. He can't wait to have a 3 year old in the house that says really cute and funny things to us! So here is a survey. I will try to do better and blog more as I think of it! I know there is lots happening here in GA, I just don't seem to get it down fast enough and then forget what has happened! ( I am doomed already and the baby isn't even here yet!)

1. How far along? 22 weeks

2. Maternity clothes - OH YEAH! After a visit from my parents last weekend and the help of EBAY I am totally hooked up!

3. Stretch marks - No new ones. I love my creme though.

4. Sleep - I LOVE ME SOME ALLERGY MEDS. Although it does not help me always sleep 100%, its better. I still am in need of a few good nights. We bought a new comforter set for our bed and that has helped a little bit. I am grabbing at straws these days for sure.

5. Best moment this week - Seeing pictures of the baby last week was the best moment then. This week, there hasn't been too much happening. Really 18 more weeks???

6. Worst moment - Very over emotionally about nothing and everything!

7. Movement - Still moving all over. We had a case of the hiccups the other day, that was strange feeling.

8. Food Cravings - BBQ (had it twice this week already!)

9. Gender - So now officially the time has past for us to find this out. Now only God and a sweet Tech at my Dr.'s office know. I have to say I had a moment of weakness and almost called the office after we got back home after our appointment last week, but I didn't! 18 weeks is a long time to wait. Why did I want to wait again? It will be worth it in the end for sure.

10. Wedding rings on or off - Even before I was pregnant I didn't wear my wedding rings at night. My fingers have not been swollen at all, so I guess this hasn't affected us really yet.

11. Weekly wisdom - No advice this week. Just still wishing for a time machine to go forward a few months.

12. Milestones? - I have diapers, clothes, toys and new bedding in process (it is being hand made by my friend Jen!!!) I can't wait to finish decorating for sure.