Saturday, October 24, 2009

Back again!

*Beware of lot's of grammer and spelling errors!! Will edit when I get a second!!!

What a day I had yesterday! In fact I was so excited about all that the day was going to hold! One of my precious friends was having a yard sale to benefit her brother. He is in his mid 30's and was given the devastating diagnosis this summer that he has ALS. He has already started to progress very quickly. We had come up with the idea to have a small sale, that turned into such a great blessing of how God's people come together to help serve friends who have never meet. It rained most of the day, and many of the items we had hoped would sell has not, but we are hoping to sell them on Craigslist and still get a little bit of money out of them. But... during the sale, I had to run home for a minute. When I returned, my friend was on the phone with another friend of ours. She had called to ask us to pray for her daughter who had had an accident at school and was knocked unconscious for a few minutes. I quickly took off to Gwinnett Medical ER. It was the same place I had been a year before when I found out I was loosing Carter. But, I knew that is what God had for me to on Friday. So I sat and waited with Lisa and her middle daughter. She was fine and in fact doing much better when we were finally able to leave several hours later. Although, there was another family that came in while we were there that didn't get the same good news we got Friday. A little child was rushed through the halls of the children's ER and put into a few rooms down from us. We could hear the commotion and feel the stress of the nurses and doctors as they all ran to help the child. Less than 10 minutes after the commotion began, everything stopped. It was obvious to me what had happened. I knew my friend and her daughter were already stressed enough with all of the craziness they had had during their day. I tried to help make as much noise as I could to entertain my friends, so that they would not be subjected to the noise that was happening in the hallway. I had to struggle to not allow myself to go back to that moment a year ago when I was told that my son was gone. Within a few seconds, the hospital chaplain and social worker and doctor took the sweet family into the room next door and told them the devastating news... there was nothing more they could do, and their precious child was gone. The sound of the mothers scream made my stomach hurt. Although we were able to somewhat distract my friends daughter, I knew my friend Lisa hurt the cry of that mother. She dropped her apple that she had been eating and gave me a looked of pain, fear and panic. It was a moment I had hopped I would never be a part of again. Even being a room away, didn't take away the sickness we felt in our stomachs. Earlier when we began to hear the commotion begin, sweet Emily had looked to us and asked if we could pray for the little child that was so sick. We tried to pretend that the sound we heard was nothing (as I was talking loud and clapping my hands in excitement over the Disney movie we were watching in the ER room). I had seen the people walk into the room and knew what was about to happen and just asked the Lord to help shield our sweet little girl in her bed from hearing the sounds all around her. I not sure she didn't hear the cries but she didn't react to them as if they were anything to be concerned about.

As I walked to pull up our cars when it was finally time to go home, I walked out with the couple who's whole lives had been changed in just a few seconds. A day that they would never forget, and day that will turn their worlds upside down. I walked into the parking lot with this family, so much wanting to hug them, or give them words of encouragement. Tell them I know a little how they feel. Tell them how I walked into the same doors last year with my own child safe in my womb and walked out with arms empty. Tell them that as terrible as it was, I am still able to stand today and walk through another day because of my savior Jesus Christ. I wanted to just touch them. I wanted to hug that mom and tell her that it will be okay one day! But I couldn't. Instead as much as I had tried to pretend, being there, in the same ER ,where I lost my own child was no big deal, it was killing me inside.

I left there (starving... as I have stared a new diet and working out with a personal trainer, and require a lot more food than I used too) to run and help clean up from the yard sale. I finally was able to get home, only to hurry and get ready for a friends bday party. I got in the shower to try and cool off and cleanse my heart a little. Instead, I broke down crying. I still can't get the sound of that mother's cries out of my mind. I don't 100% know what she is feeling, but can understand the pain of losing a child. I don't know what it is like to have had a special gift placed into my arms for a few years and then to be taken into the arms of Christ. But I do know what it is like to hold that child for a few hours and having to walk away and go home empty handed. I keep thinking that this feeling of defeat will pass. The feeling of disappointment month after month finding out we are still not pregnant, to just go away. The hope of having a child while we are still considered young parents, just disappear. I will be 36 in 13 days. It's hard to be excited about exciting events when in fact I really am so sad and just mad that I can't just blow out some candles on a cake and get the "little wish" that I really desire most.

I wish so much that I could say everything will be great and that God will take this away from me and I will be fine. I do know that God is doing great things and our story is helping other people. I know that because I hear that from others. I don't always believe it. In fact I often feel like a failure. I feel like I will never be okay again. I get tired some days of walking in these shoes of lose. I get tired of looking at an empty crib, but don't have the desire to take it down because that would be me admitting defeat. In fact there are days when I am ready to throw my hands up and save I give in! It's days when I am taken back to the place where my life changed that I want to scream Life really stinks!!! I know that truth and believe the truth. But for today, my heart and spirit is weak. I struggle to see the future and am so glad that the Lord knows my future and has a plan for me. UGH, what a day back again!!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Infant Loss

It's been a year since I posted this same post. October 15 - National Infant, pregnancy loss day and the day my best friend Jen was born! What a day of crazy emotions. Today was not what I had expected at all. I didn't feel like I had a chance to sit and ponder on the life and death of Carter of the other sweet friends of mine who have also lost children. My life these days seems to be going 10000 miles per hour. I desire so much to be stopped in my tracks. I want the Lord to allow me to be pregnant and have to slow down. But... I know that is something I must do myself. I am taking a bible Study with friends on Thursday mornings. It is called "One in a Million" It is amazing (although really I have continued to daily say how much I hate it!) It's where I am... in the wilderness. I feel like I am wandering around trying to figure out where I need to be going, knowing that there is "water up ahead" I just can't seem to find it. Do you ever feel that way? You know God has given you direction and even a path (I think he mailed me a map the other day, I just can't seem to figure out how to read it. Just kidding) But I feel like just the Israel, He is taking me the wrong way in order to get to the promise land. Losing two children is not the way to build a family. No.. listen to me Lord, I have it all figured out. So lets just do it my way and things will turn out great!! And that's the line that keeps getting me into trouble.... day after day after day!!

So starting tomorrow, I will wake up again and begin the day serving the Lord and seeking His plan for just tomorrow and hope and pray that I don't mess up His plan and spend more time searching in the wilderness, when really all I need to do is pick up the map and go girl!!! Just go girl!!!!!!!!