It's been a year since I posted this same post. October 15 - National Infant, pregnancy loss day and the day my best friend Jen was born! What a day of crazy emotions. Today was not what I had expected at all. I didn't feel like I had a chance to sit and ponder on the life and death of Carter of the other sweet friends of mine who have also lost children. My life these days seems to be going 10000 miles per hour. I desire so much to be stopped in my tracks. I want the Lord to allow me to be pregnant and have to slow down. But... I know that is something I must do myself. I am taking a bible Study with friends on Thursday mornings. It is called "One in a Million" It is amazing (although really I have continued to daily say how much I hate it!) It's where I am... in the wilderness. I feel like I am wandering around trying to figure out where I need to be going, knowing that there is "water up ahead" I just can't seem to find it. Do you ever feel that way? You know God has given you direction and even a path (I think he mailed me a map the other day, I just can't seem to figure out how to read it. Just kidding) But I feel like just the Israel, He is taking me the wrong way in order to get to the promise land. Losing two children is not the way to build a family. No.. listen to me Lord, I have it all figured out. So lets just do it my way and things will turn out great!! And that's the line that keeps getting me into trouble.... day after day after day!!
So starting tomorrow, I will wake up again and begin the day serving the Lord and seeking His plan for just tomorrow and hope and pray that I don't mess up His plan and spend more time searching in the wilderness, when really all I need to do is pick up the map and go girl!!! Just go girl!!!!!!!!
So starting tomorrow, I will wake up again and begin the day serving the Lord and seeking His plan for just tomorrow and hope and pray that I don't mess up His plan and spend more time searching in the wilderness, when really all I need to do is pick up the map and go girl!!! Just go girl!!!!!!!!
1 comment:
wow. i didn't realize what yesterday was until i read this. completely forgot that this was coming up. yesterday was hard for me. i thought about you, and casey chappell, alot. losing a baby is HARD. it gets easier, and then the grief sneaks up on you and smacks you in the face. shew.
and i totally feel you on the lost in the wilderness feeling. i know i have a map that is clearly written and waiting for me to read. but i just have to get through this fog first. i feel like i just can't see clearly. like i can't see the forest through the trees. this wilderness is quite crazy. and cool at the same time.
love you.
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