Monday, February 23, 2009

Our joy through Tears - Brought more tears

I was so excited to tell my blog friends that WE ARE PREGNANT!!! (I have been wanting to blog this for 5 weeks now!)
BUT... we found out today at our first dr appointment that our baby stopped growing at 6 weeks (we are 8 weeks now). At our ultrasound today, our doctor shared that there was no longer a heart beat and our baby had passed. I had never gotten a real peace about this baby. I begged the Lord to allow everything to be okay. I really wanted to believe that it would be okay, but as soon as the Ultrasound begun today, I knew something was wrong. They believe Baby Spears passed last week. As of right now, I still have no signs of miscarrying. With the help of our doctor, we have chosen to allow a natural miscarriage to occur. Although, if we do not miscarry in 2 1/2 weeks, I will have a D&C. (I really don't want that) I wanted to show you the message that I had prepared and the story behind this sweet baby, even though this is not what we expected to be sharing today.

On August 17, 2008 I posted a blog called Joy through Tears. Our pastor told us at Carter's funeral to look for a joy for the tears we have shed since we lost our little boy Carter. Brent and I thought it was such a sweet gift that Carter lived for 1 hr and 21 minutes because Brent was born on 1-21! Well, again that day has become significant in our family again. On Brent's bday (1-21) this year... we found out that we are PREGNANT!!!! We are due October 3rd.

Now we need you to keep praying for us!

* Pray first and foremost for a quick and safe miscarriage.

* Pray for our anxiety (especially Jenna) I am having to battle fear of so much right now as well as a lot of hurt.
* Our doctor has said that we have a lot to be thankful for. There is nothing indicating that I can not have another baby and we can try again as soon as 6 weeks from now.

* Pray for us as we continue to grieve the loss of Carter and now the loss of our second baby

* Pray as we continue to seek out peace. Once again, we cannot trace God's hand, but we trust His heart.
* Pray that this is the last deposit that we make in heaven as far as the Spears children.
Brent and I both so desperately desire to be Godly parents. We want so much to have children of our own. In fact we both feel called to be parents. Right now, we are hurt, confused, mad and sad that we are having to walk this journey again. This is so different than the loss we experienced with Carter. But at the same time the pain is so similar and disappointment is so familiar to us. Some times it is so hard to really walk out the faith we have in Lord. At the same time, I know that He loves us so much and wants to bless us. We will, no matter what trust Him, even when it hurts!!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Stinkin Computer

I have held out long enough, but my stinkin computer could not keep up!! A little computer history for me is that I got my first laptop while I was in seminary. I was great at the time. I was blessed enough to get the extra warranty in case anything happened. Well it happened three times. Best Buy says after three visits to the service department, you got yourself a lemon. When you get a lemon, Best Buy makes a little lemonade and will give you a new computer. So I walked out with a new computer three years ago. Since then, my new computer drinks its own battery, it often shuts itself off, (when i am in the middle of something important) and finally the latest the powercord finally quit. My good friends husband fixed the cord for me once, but the stinkin computer won again. So, now I am stuck using my hubbies computer until the cord comes in. My new battery has already arrived (half charged), but of course the computer cord will not be here until Monday!! Goodness! So maybe by Monday I will be online with my own stuff again!

We are about to embark on once again a busy time in our lives. Baseball is starting tomorrow. Basketball is not finished yet (of course these are the two teams that Brent is coaching). This weekend we are so excited to have two different families to join us for dinner on Saturday and lunch on Sunday. It's just neat to be able to get together with good friends. Then we will begin another BIG week with lots and lots going on! I look forward to sharing more with my blog friends on our events of next week! God is doing so much with Brent and I both in so many areas of our lives! (if I only had my own stinkin computer working right!)

Friday, February 13, 2009

Valentine Day

My husband sent me this message today. It was taken from today's Our Daily Bread. I thought it was so appropriate! Happy Valentine Day!

Like many people, I enjoy the Google homepage artwork that appears on special days and holidays. Last Valentine’s Day, the artistic logo showed an older couple—a man with a cane and a white-haired woman—walking hand in hand as the woman held two heart-shaped balloons. It was a beautiful reminder that while our culture glorifies youthful romance, true love has many stages during our journey through life.

Paul’s great essay in 1 Corinthians 13 celebrates the depth and tenacity of the love that carries us beyond self-interest and mere affection. “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails” (vv.4-8).

Brian Wren has captured this reality in his moving hymn, “When Love Is Found”:

When love is tried as loved ones change,
Hold still to hope though all seems strange,
Till ease returns, and love grows wise
Through listening ears and opened eyes.
© Hope Publishing Co.

When our commitments are tested in the fires of life, no matter what difficulties we face, may God grant us a greater experience of His enduring love and the grace to demonstrate it each day. — David C. McCasland

God’s love is a fabric that never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the waters of adversity.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

What would you do?

Brent and I had this "discussion" last night about a situation that happened to me yesterday. So, in order to help us out, we would like all of you (blog stalkers and blog followers alike) to give us a hand by responding to tell us what you would do!

I went to the Verizon Store to have a new phone activated. The nice lady (yet slightly intimidating) was helping me remove the back off of the phone. She had to go into the back room in order to get additional assistance. When she returned (15 minutes later...) she returned to her seat behind the counter. I couldn't help to notice the change that had occurred while she was gone. When she returned her black dress pants now had a very LARGE tear in the frontal area!!! I can share with you that she was wearing orange undergarments, if you get my drift! I didn't know what to do. I thought about the options: of writing her a note, telling her outright, praying that a co-worker would have more guts than I did or ignorning the situation. What made it more challenging, was there were several men standing behind her that appeared to be from "corporate" and watching her, etc. I said nothing to her.
Brent believes that it was my human duty to tell her about her dilemma!!Brent said that he was in that position while working at a bank during seminary. A customer had his "fly open" and Brent took the writing a note approach and received a very welcoming response from the gentleman...something about "man code".
For the record, this situation happened to me TWICE, where I was the victim. I had a skirt that torn down the back once in a resturant, where no one told me what happened. I returned the skirt, since it was brand new, and less than a year after the first event, it happened again after leaving Sunday School one Sunday. Again, no one shared with me what had happened. I would have liked to think that maybe no one noticed!!! (My husband did tell me both times once we got in the car to go home.)

SO, WHAT WOULD YOU DO??? Leave us your comments.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Dancing in the Rain

Really, am I still learning the same lessons again again and again?? I found myself this weekend full of anxiety and the struggle to breathe another breath again. I get so overwhelmed some days full of grief, worry, stress and hurts, that I can hardly breathe. (not great for a therapist to go through this is it?) So, Brent and I thought we would take the "day off." It was wonderful. We went on a LONG drive to North GA, we of course took Wrigs with us, and just spent time looking at the trees, feeling the cool air (it was in the 60's this weekend) and looking at the awesome mountain view. After such a relaxing day, I had big hopes of sleeping without any problems on Saturday night. But as I crawled into bed, the overwhelming stress feeling was coming back strong. So I did the only thing left (which should had been the first thing I tried) I wrote scripture after scripture in my journey about worry and anxiety. IT WORKED!! That is as long as I was asleep. When I woke up Sunday, the anxious nervous depression was back again. I went to church and as our pastor was preaching I was looking back in my journal (the one I keep of our sermons at church) to see what God has taught me this year. (not that his sermon wasn't awsome, but I knew that I needed to look back in order to move forward. There is was! The statement that helped me move forward just a few months ago. Dr. Cox had preached that Sunday about the storms of life (boy can we relate). He made this great quote saying, "When God allows Storms in our life, Ask him to teach you to dance in the rain." It's funny to me that the bible Study I am doing is all about dancing and now here the quote that helped me again was about dancing. I don't think that my anxiousness will just pass without me knowing it, but I think if I can change my focus, that will help me see the difference. In fact as life changes, when/if we have another baby, when have to move to a new house (one day we hope), or when we buy another car or just when life happens, the anxious spirit will return. But I feel like if I can get down these dancing steps, I will begin to really move towards that point of lessons learned from the Lord. That is my heart desire. I want to grow into a women of righteous confidence. I was to mature in the Lord and look like some of the ladies that I watch from a far that even when they go through the storms, I watch them dance in God's goodness through it all!! So friends... here I go off to my dancing lessons!!!

Monday, February 02, 2009

The Many Faces of A Football Fan

I love watching football with my husband. NOT because I love watching football, just laughing at my husband and all of his excitement. This was a crazy football watching year for him. He is a graduate of Texas Tech (GO RED RAIDERS). They went further this year than any year that I can remember, or at least since we have been married, (told you I didn't know football). There were many close games this year that caused my husband to yell at the TV, jump up and down yelling at the TV as if they could hear him, running up and down our stairs after a miraculous play or when Michael Crabtree caught the ball with 2 or 3 seconds left on the clock and made a touchdown to win the game against Texas! I was upstairs on our bed watching TV during that game, when I heard Brent scream and run as fast as he could up our stairs. He missed most of the stairs!!! It was so funny and almost gave me a heart attack. I wish I had the video camera out on that night. Brent has some favorite football teams that he is faithful to cheer for. He loves the Saints and of course Texas Tech. But normally, he is the guy that goes for the underdogs. So of course, last night he was a Cardinal fan. Which caused conflict for sure. My cousin Brian is a big Steelers fan! Last year, as you remeber, the Giants played the Patriots. Brent hates the Patriots. My yankee family are ALL very BIG Patriot fans. When the Giants won, Brent raced around our first floor running as fast as he could. He reminded me of Wrigley when she gets too much energy and races around and around in circles! It was so funny. He made me laugh during the whole game. I thought that I would share with you all what I get to see in my house each week during the fall and winter! Only 6 more months until it starts all over again!

Acting Calm during the Halftime

The Cards coming close to making a great play!

The Cards Tackle Ben Roethlisberger

Cards TOUCHDOWN!!! GO FITZGERALD (Brent has just run down the stairs here!)

Brent talking to his friend Dave trying to explain to each other what needs to happen for the Cards to win

Accepting Defeat!

Wrigley was very into the game!

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Sweet Boy

Brent and I had a Spears family day on Saturday. Since it was the first day of the month, we spent the day shopping, shopping and more shopping. Brent takes me to lunch and helps me do my big Costco run and Walmart shopping trip one Saturday each month! It's great. He brings in the food and I put it away. WIN - WIN!! We then ran over to Home Depot to make some exchanges and get the supplies to nail down, yet another project on our to do list!! YEAH US! We also ran over to see Carter. This was the first time Brent was able to see Carter's marker. We brought Wrigley with us and just enjoyed some special time as a family. The day wasn't sad. Our visit wasn't even sad. We are both still so grieved over Carter's death, but the placement of the marker was yet another reminder of God's great plan in our lives. We pray even through a simple marker, that God will our little sweet boy's life to minister to other families that visit their loved ones at the same cemetery Carter is buried. Brent and I spent a few minutes walking down to see the bench and grave site for a special friend of ours from the first church we attended when we first moved to GA. As we walked around, we were reminded of how many other people have buried their children, fathers, mothers, wives, husbands... in this same cemetery with no hope. I am always amazed at the little toys and special reminders that people leave on their loved ones earthly resting place that seemed important to them. Things like toy cars, pictures of accomplishments they completed while on earth, alcoholic drinks, packs of cigarettes. It blows me away and makes me so sad. It's that moment that makes me want to stop and bow before the Lord and just throw my hands up in praise. God thank you for hope. Thank you for the legacy of my baby that lived just an hour and 21 minutes, but yet changed my life in that time. He reminded me of your goodness, the importance of prayer, and makes me desire to be more like you each day. I look forward to the day I can be in glory and see my sweet boy again! I pray that even in the middle of a place of sadness like the cemetery, God will use us to share His love to others who need to hear hope!! Thank you Lord for yet another reason to Praise you in the Storms!

One Blue Flower for our Sweet Boy