Back again!

*Beware of lot's of grammer and spelling errors!! Will edit when I get a second!!!


What a day I had yesterday! In fact I was so excited about all that the day was going to hold! One of my precious friends was having a yard sale to benefit her brother. He is in his mid 30's and was given the devastating diagnosis this summer that he has ALS. He has already started to progress very quickly. We had come up with the idea to have a small sale, that turned into such a great blessing of how God's people come together to help serve friends who have never meet. It rained most of the day, and many of the items we had hoped would sell has not, but we are hoping to sell them on Craigslist and still get a little bit of money out of them. But... during the sale, I had to run home for a minute. When I returned, my friend was on the phone with another friend of ours. She had called to ask us to pray for her daughter who had had an accident at school and was knocked unconscious for a few minutes. I quickly took off to Gwinnett Medical ER. It was the same place I had been a year before when I found out I was loosing Carter. But, I knew that is what God had for me to on Friday. So I sat and waited with Lisa and her middle daughter. She was fine and in fact doing much better when we were finally able to leave several hours later. Although, there was another family that came in while we were there that didn't get the same good news we got Friday. A little child was rushed through the halls of the children's ER and put into a few rooms down from us. We could hear the commotion and feel the stress of the nurses and doctors as they all ran to help the child. Less than 10 minutes after the commotion began, everything stopped. It was obvious to me what had happened. I knew my friend and her daughter were already stressed enough with all of the craziness they had had during their day. I tried to help make as much noise as I could to entertain my friends, so that they would not be subjected to the noise that was happening in the hallway. I had to struggle to not allow myself to go back to that moment a year ago when I was told that my son was gone. Within a few seconds, the hospital chaplain and social worker and doctor took the sweet family into the room next door and told them the devastating news... there was nothing more they could do, and their precious child was gone. The sound of the mothers scream made my stomach hurt. Although we were able to somewhat distract my friends daughter, I knew my friend Lisa hurt the cry of that mother. She dropped her apple that she had been eating and gave me a looked of pain, fear and panic. It was a moment I had hopped I would never be a part of again. Even being a room away, didn't take away the sickness we felt in our stomachs. Earlier when we began to hear the commotion begin, sweet Emily had looked to us and asked if we could pray for the little child that was so sick. We tried to pretend that the sound we heard was nothing (as I was talking loud and clapping my hands in excitement over the Disney movie we were watching in the ER room). I had seen the people walk into the room and knew what was about to happen and just asked the Lord to help shield our sweet little girl in her bed from hearing the sounds all around her. I not sure she didn't hear the cries but she didn't react to them as if they were anything to be concerned about.

As I walked to pull up our cars when it was finally time to go home, I walked out with the couple who's whole lives had been changed in just a few seconds. A day that they would never forget, and day that will turn their worlds upside down. I walked into the parking lot with this family, so much wanting to hug them, or give them words of encouragement. Tell them I know a little how they feel. Tell them how I walked into the same doors last year with my own child safe in my womb and walked out with arms empty. Tell them that as terrible as it was, I am still able to stand today and walk through another day because of my savior Jesus Christ. I wanted to just touch them. I wanted to hug that mom and tell her that it will be okay one day! But I couldn't. Instead as much as I had tried to pretend, being there, in the same ER ,where I lost my own child was no big deal, it was killing me inside.

I left there (starving... as I have stared a new diet and working out with a personal trainer, and require a lot more food than I used too) to run and help clean up from the yard sale. I finally was able to get home, only to hurry and get ready for a friends bday party. I got in the shower to try and cool off and cleanse my heart a little. Instead, I broke down crying. I still can't get the sound of that mother's cries out of my mind. I don't 100% know what she is feeling, but can understand the pain of losing a child. I don't know what it is like to have had a special gift placed into my arms for a few years and then to be taken into the arms of Christ. But I do know what it is like to hold that child for a few hours and having to walk away and go home empty handed. I keep thinking that this feeling of defeat will pass. The feeling of disappointment month after month finding out we are still not pregnant, to just go away. The hope of having a child while we are still considered young parents, just disappear. I will be 36 in 13 days. It's hard to be excited about exciting events when in fact I really am so sad and just mad that I can't just blow out some candles on a cake and get the "little wish" that I really desire most.

I wish so much that I could say everything will be great and that God will take this away from me and I will be fine. I do know that God is doing great things and our story is helping other people. I know that because I hear that from others. I don't always believe it. In fact I often feel like a failure. I feel like I will never be okay again. I get tired some days of walking in these shoes of lose. I get tired of looking at an empty crib, but don't have the desire to take it down because that would be me admitting defeat. In fact there are days when I am ready to throw my hands up and save I give in! It's days when I am taken back to the place where my life changed that I want to scream Life really stinks!!! I know that truth and believe the truth. But for today, my heart and spirit is weak. I struggle to see the future and am so glad that the Lord knows my future and has a plan for me. UGH, what a day back again!!

Infant Loss

It's been a year since I posted this same post. October 15 - National Infant, pregnancy loss day and the day my best friend Jen was born! What a day of crazy emotions. Today was not what I had expected at all. I didn't feel like I had a chance to sit and ponder on the life and death of Carter of the other sweet friends of mine who have also lost children. My life these days seems to be going 10000 miles per hour. I desire so much to be stopped in my tracks. I want the Lord to allow me to be pregnant and have to slow down. But... I know that is something I must do myself. I am taking a bible Study with friends on Thursday mornings. It is called "One in a Million" It is amazing (although really I have continued to daily say how much I hate it!) It's where I am... in the wilderness. I feel like I am wandering around trying to figure out where I need to be going, knowing that there is "water up ahead" I just can't seem to find it. Do you ever feel that way? You know God has given you direction and even a path (I think he mailed me a map the other day, I just can't seem to figure out how to read it. Just kidding) But I feel like just the Israel, He is taking me the wrong way in order to get to the promise land. Losing two children is not the way to build a family. No.. listen to me Lord, I have it all figured out. So lets just do it my way and things will turn out great!! And that's the line that keeps getting me into trouble.... day after day after day!!

So starting tomorrow, I will wake up again and begin the day serving the Lord and seeking His plan for just tomorrow and hope and pray that I don't mess up His plan and spend more time searching in the wilderness, when really all I need to do is pick up the map and go girl!!! Just go girl!!!!!!!!

Labor Day already?

I can't believe it is Labor Day already. Last year Brent and I attempted a small vacation to AL. It was really a quick get away and actually we had to run away from a hurricane! This year, we spent time planning and are headed to a "real planned out" vacation to the beach! We can't wait. The car is packed already and we are trying to tie up last seconds duties so we can pull out as soon as church ends tomorrow. (We are studying the end times in church and it is so good, we really wanted to stick around. Also, Brent has pastoral prayer team tomorrow, and needs to stay to pray... especially since we are studying the end times!!)



In the last few weeks, the Lord has been showing Brent and I both so much in our lives. I have had a tough few weeks at work, that I know is spiritual warfare. I have had my armor, sword, guns, knives and any other weapon I can find on hand!! I realize that Satan is really trying to work on me and get me to feel defeated. But how can I when I serve such a BIG GOD??? Planning the vacation for a week at the beach has been tough. On top of that the idea that we should be bringing our sweet little boy with us to see the beach for the first time is painful. At the same time, God continues to give me a peace more than ever that in His timing, we will have more children. I can hardly wait to share with you all the amazing things He has been showing us and revealing to us in the last few weeks. We recently had a great sermon on Discouragement and how we all live with it from time to time. Discouragement can be a Joy killer!! It was out of Hebrews 12:1-3. Something Dr. Cox shared has stayed in my heart since then. He said that "God did not save us in order for us to lives in a state of discouragement." The more I think about that, the more it makes sense. If I truly believe Jer. 29:11, then how can I live a life of discouragement. I can't!!! He has a plan and it is good, so good!!

Off to the beach and I can't wait to share with you all our pictures. Pray for us as we enjoy our time as a family and our time with the Lord. I look forward to hearing from Him this week for sure!

Rainbows

This was actually a double rainbow, but I could not seem to get a good picture of it! It's still awesome.

Leading up to Carter's birthday I had begged the Lord to give me peace. Of course, HE DID!! I began to feel a relief that the first major milestone was finally here and gone and I was able to stand strong during that time. Leading up to his birthday, I had prayed, prepared my heart and really focused on the Lord so that I would be able to celebrate all that God has done this year. Then, I began to forget. I began to allow myself to take control again and thought that since that one day was gone, I was cleared of any additional emotional breakdowns that might occur. Oh was I wrong. I had 7 meltdowns in 7 days. It was never about Carter, but it was about me letting my guard down and believing the lie that I was able to handle things alone! What a reminder that I need Christ more than ever to walk me through my day. Even if I had never gone through what we had this past year, the reality of needing a savior is so real in my life. I would say one thing the Lord has really shown me in my life, is just when I think I am in the clear of being able to handle "life" I am quickly reminded... I could never walk a single day without Jesus in my life.


The most wonderful reminder of the Lord showed in front of my house last week. We have had some afternoon/evening storms this past week. One night we were certain it was about to really storm. The sky was very black, the trees began to sway, and the wind was so strong... it was obvious it was going to rain. Instead, the most beautiful reminder of the Lord's promises and love shone bright in the sky!! The storm never happened. Instead TWO rainbows filled the sky. I tried to catch the beauty on my camera, although the camera could never do this sight justice. Thank you Lord for the rainbows in our days. It was a wonderful reminder to me, never think that I can face storms alone. I always need a savior to face each day, storm or no storm! The fact is I NEED JESUS!! What a blessing to know that He will NEVER leave me or forsake me!! God is good all the time, even when I am not.

What a week (and it's only Wednesday)

I can't believe Sunday came and went. Just like that, a year has past since Carter's birth and death. I have to say that I made it through Sunday without tears (I began to well up during a song at church, but didn't break down). Many reading this may feel like that is heartless and cold. You have to understand, I begged the Lord to give us peace. I begged the Lord to make Carter's first birthday a celebration of his life here on earth and even more importantly now in heaven. Of course GOD DID IT!!! The cemetery was hot, but so peaceful and beautiful. We had such a wonderful day on Sunday. It was a true blessing. Friday will be a year since I last saw my sweet boy face to face. It will be one year since I was able to hold him in my arms. It will be a year since I last touched his face and kissed his sweet fingers and toes. As I look back on the year, I came smile and say... thank you Lord. You are good. Although, during this week, it has been hard. I had a special friend of mine, miscarry a baby last night. She actually lost her son last summer as well, and now suffered a miscarriage. It was such a blessing to me to be able to minister to her last night and love her and her husband. It was a gift that God would allow me to be used to minister to other women who also are going through this struggle of loss.

God placed a message in my heart last night that I placed on my facebook page. As I went throughout my day today, counseling several families who are contemplating divorce, or have been through loss themselves, God kept bringing this message to my heart.

I am so glad I serve a God who is bigger than my biggest enemy... greater than my greatest trial... more mighty than my most painful loss...and more awesome than my finite mind could ever imagine!! Now that is what I call victory!!

Happy Birthday Carter

Happy 1st Birthday with Jesus Baby! Your mom and Dad praise the Lord for you!! (and so do all your grandparents and auntie/aunts!)

Opening Ceremony

As Brent was out watering the garden tonight , I couldn't help but think back to one year ago, what I was doing. (not so much about the date, but the day) I had spent the day with my friend Lisa and her son Seth at the movies. Brent had made dinner for us, and we both had been so excited about the opening ceremony of the 2008 Olympics. I laid down on the sofa telling Brent I was not feeling well. I finally decided that I would go upstairs and try to lay down in bed and relax and even fall asleep early, if possible. It had been a tough few days, full of stress and worry at how my pregnant body was not doing what it was supposed to be doing. After I had gotten in my own bed, the pain I was having got worse. Brent was exhausted and I told him to go to sleep and I would sleep in the other bed so that I would not wake him. I watch the Opening Ceremony for a second time before I was unable to stand the pain I had in my lower back much longer. I went in our room to wake up Brent and tell him I needed his help. I thought if he could rub my back or just put Bengay on my legs and back, I would feel better. I took two baths before the night was over. Sleep didn't come for most of the night. I may have slept for about 30 minutes here and there, but the pain kept coming and going. Of course now looking back, I can see that I was in the beginning stages of labor. If I had only known, maybe I would have made a different choice to go to the hospital sooner. If I had only known what I know now, maybe I would have called the doctor in the middle of the night and been more persistent and what I was feeling. If I had only known, maybe I would have chosen a different path to follow that night. BUT I didn't know. Sometimes I feel like that on this journey. Maybe if I had only known what I was about to endure this past year, I would have prepared better. I would have spent more time with the Lord, preparing my heart to be ready for what was to come. If I had only known I would have tried to create a different outcome. But I didn't know. Just another lesson that the Lord has taught me this year. I don't know what tomorrow holds. I don't know the future. I don't know His plans for my life. But I do know what it takes to be obedient. I do know what he has called me to do today. I strive more now to know Him more. I realize it doesn't change life; it won't change my circumstances; it won't make me less sad, or even make me less likely to head into the middle of a storm. But what it does do, is allows me to have a more intimate relationship with my Father. It brings me closer to the creator of my life and my story. It gives me peace during the biggest of storms, the toughest of days, as well as the greatest of moments that I experience. This night one year ago, was not only the Opening Ceremony to the Olympics the world would watch, but it became the opening ceremony for the journey we would walk for the rest of our lives. The lesson is, that I know who wins. I look forward to the day when we are able to stand on the podium before our judge and know that the award of eternal life and a life of obedience was worth the journey! Until that day, we will keep running this race, with our eye on the prize. For that makes this journey worth it!!