Sunday, September 28, 2008

My Famous Family

Okay so not quite famous! But, several months back my family (meaning my Mom, Dad and sister,had the chance to go to Poolesville MD to be a part of the TV show Extreme Home Makeover. My family lives just outside of Poolesville in Maryland. I wish I would have had an opportunity to post or send out an email to watch the show tonight, but my mom had just mentioned the show would be on to me last night, and to be honest, I had so much to do last night and today that I forgot until we were leaving church this evening that the show was even on. We came home from church in time to see the second half of the show. Brent and I don't have any of the high tech TIVO stuff, so we didn't get to tape the show. We did make it in time to see Kara on the show twice. She also shared with us tonight that she is on the website of the home builder. The website is Kara is in image 6 of 41 on day 6. For those of you who do not know her, in the photo you are getting a side view of Kara. She is on the far right side, right in front of the tall gentleman that has reddish hair. You really are seeing Kara's left ear and the fact that she is smiling. What neat once in a lifetime experience they got to have.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Mr Brent and Cody ... hit the circus tour

Well, not really - just went to the circus ... and HAD A BLAST, come on! I like that, "Mr. Brent" ... sounds like a Monk episode. My original intent was to share about the circus experience a lot earlier in the week, especailly after my lovely wife put the pressure on. However, I have been inspired by great bloggers such as Jen and Karen - legends in the blog world in their own right ... by their "Wordless Wednesday" entries with pictures. So, I thought I would try a "Wordless Week" entry with photos.

Ya, my wife is not buying it either. Truth is: it has just been a busy week.

The pictures are from the circus, Cody and I had the privelege to attend earlier this month. Wow, if Barnum and Bailey Circus comes to your town, GO. Jenna secured us tickets several months back and I have to tell you, the circus has come a long way - I am serious they do it right, it flowed. From the traveling Frenchman - who was hilarious, who not only emceed the event but could ride a bike about the size of my tennis shoe in circles and through a circle of fire to the dancing Dachshunds moving in sync {Wrigley - not so much cut out for the circus I'm afraid ... just not her lot} to the acrobatic stunts to the angled Archer who could not miss - are you kidding me - how did he do that ... to the elegant elephants {sitting on each other, mind you - ohhh looked painful - really did} to the makeupless clown performing a Matrix like stunt with a pole coming toward him. Yes, that is what I said too, "makeupless" clown. I know - the perfect circus, right?
It was sort of redemption for me. The first and only other time I have been to a circus, was when I was a child ... and the clowns came around before the show to gather any willing and excited children to go down on the floor and meet the crew/animals. Well, I was neither - willing or excited. In fact, I freaked out and stayed close to Mom. Over the years, I have regreted that decision and wondered what would have happened, what would have been, how would my life be different today. I mean, would I have taken more risks, ventured out more limbs - would I ever by able to trust people, people with makeup/wigs and large red noses? Questions never answered, but I really did regret - so, it was pretty cool to get to go onto the floor with Cody and see some of the crew before the show ... makeupless clowns, I love it!

Cody is probably one of the coolest kids, I have ever known, I mean he is really a 22 yr old trapped in a 6 yr old little body, he is funny - I tell you. Throughout the night, I was reminded that he was only 6, though. I guess it was when he saw the vendors walking madly around with several ... several ... several mulit-colored bright glow sticks and the children all wanting one {good ole' supply and demand at its best - tugging at the heart strings of every child in the stadium ... is there a law on this type of price gouging with these type of products ... I mean I can understand the gas price crisis we are facing here in Atlanta, may not like it - but at least understand the basics of it ... but swirling light toys {that they tell you will look so wonderful in the dark when the show is going on} that will in reality only be tossed in the air for a few hours in a dark stadium for a circus event ... only to be tossed into a closet among other well thought out marketing exploits to sit for years...unless of course, you do E-bay like my wife and so many others, than there is at least a positive return on investment}. Ok, ok - enough about economics - what do I know - it took me 3 times to pass Finance in college, I am serious. But, I did graduate with a Marketing degree - so it drives me crazy when I see these gimmicks, ok - enough. But Cody really wanted one - but once the traveling Frenchman came onto the stage he had moved on and was having more fun helping me take pictures with my cell phone so we could send over to Mrs. Jenna
... or when we went to get our snack during intermission, the Lion shaped - snow cone cup for $12 bucks - what! His little 6 yr old mind had to have it ... but, we agreed to share a pretzel and coke {had some great popcorn when we got home, too}.

My sweet - creative wife ... put a booklet together for Cody to gather autographs from the crew and for pictures of the evening to go into. Cody loved it. All in all - great night. Whew, no wonder I never blog, this is timely - but fun.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Best time

I have asked my husband to give a recap of his Friday night special date. He has said he would. Until he does (this is his incentive) I will post a little teaser!! Wish I was there.

Showing off their tickets
Fist Pumping

Waiting for their ride home

Monday, September 15, 2008


I hate change! So everything that has happened in the past month, has been that much tougher for me. I was just getting used to the changes in my body, our lives, the fact that I was pregnant, the idea of being a mom, taking on the roll of mom and wife, and the idea of all of the additional upcoming changes that would occur. I hate change so much some times, that even when our pastor at church has to go out of town and doesn't preach on Sunday, I do not like that change and look forward to having him back preaching again. I hate when Brent has to go out of town, or when my favorite TV show is supposed to be on and it isn't because of a "presidential debate..." you get the point. Typically the change ends up that it is a good thing or at least at some point something I am able to deal with and can learn from. But... I still just do not like it at all.

Then there are days that I welcome change. I changed the look of my blog today (and spent more time than necessary on doing the change and I took Jen down with me! Sorry Jen I was responsible for "wasting your afternoon, although I had a blast doing it.) I like to get up and just go and do something that is different from what we had planned for the day. I like to change my hair (color and cut some times). Some days I welcome change.

This week has been that for me. On Friday I had my hair cut and colored by my sweet friend from church Tina. I got so tired of the grey hair poking through and the frizz mess that kept happening. My friend Tina was so sweet to do me a favor and do my hair at the last second. On Saturday, which is usually the hardest day of the week for me, because that is the day Carter was born, we had planned on staying home all day long just doing nothing. We woke up to discover Wrigley's allergies were out of control and that we needed to make an emergency visit to the vet. She was fine, and needed some cortisone to get her over the hump of allergy season. Funny story: while we were in the vet's office, I had a crying breakdown. They had taken Wrigley back to be weighed and Brent and I started to just talk. I totally broke down crying. About the same time, one the vet techs, walks into the room and tells us Wrigley will be right back. It was funny because I had to try to convince her that I was not crying because of Wrigley. I didn't want to share with her what was wrong and how I was just sad. The sweet lady gave me a box of Kleenex and asked one more time if there was something she could do. I thanked her and said that it had been a tough time for us right now, and that I would be okay. There you have it, my first official, embarrassing public breakdown. There will be more of those I am sure! And that is okay. We are so afraid of people crying and often don't know what to do when they do cry. I have learned that it is okay for others to cry and that we don't have to feel uncomfortable when others cry. Just let them cry!

After coming home, and lots of crying and emotions running very high for me, we decided that we would head to the Gwinnett County Fair. Our plan was to go and get a funnel cake and just see all that they had. The fair is okay, nothing special, but was the distraction that we needed that day. Brent and I both struggle doing "fun things" that cost money because of how much it has cost us to have Carter and all of the other things that have come with that. At the same time, we have found that we have to get out of the house and do fun stuff or we will both be depressed. After the fair, we had dinner and walked around the mall to work off the funnel cake!!

As another week begins for me, as I take on a few more clients this week, I am trying to focus on myself and what it is that I need! I have been talking to a special friend of mine who is also in counseling for some additional advice on how to continue to seek the Lord in all things! What an encouraging word she gave me was to try and spend time doing for me and relaxing. Brent and I both are seeking that time for ourselves alone and with each other. Brent has a special date planned for Friday night with a special friend of his. His little friend Cody (who is 5) and Brent will be at the Circus on Friday. It's hard to imagine him doing that with another little boy and not with Carter, but it is a joy to see him be able to spend that time with Cody who he loves so much. (Cody is a big fan of Brent's as well. Cody lost his daddy in 2005. Since this past spring he and Brent have formed a special bond and love doing things together! I can't wait to hear all about their time at the circus! Sure wish I got an invitation to go, but it's a boy's night out! Maybe next time.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

My heart

I have shared on this blog a few times already about a new friend I have made since we lost Carter. My new friend Casey Chappell, (I went to college with her husband), they lost their son Asher on August 9th as well at 9:08 pm. (I'd like to think Carter and Asher are friends in heaven. I love how they both have such cool names!!!) Casey and Dan also have a blog that they have been sharing what the Lord is doing in their lives right now. Casey has this poem on her site that describes in words, what is in my heart. I couldn't help but copy it and paste this poem here. Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since I last held my little boy (many don't know that Brent and I had the chance to go to the funeral home before Carter's funeral and see him in his little outfit given to us by the hospital as well as take pictures and hold him one more time. That was such a sweet sweet time for both Brent and I. It was hard to leave knowing that I would never see him on earth again, but such a blessing to see him dressed in a little outfit and to be able to talk to him by myself outside of the hospital). I miss him so much. Each day I look more forward to heaven. I have been taking a class on Thursday mornings at our Ladies Bible Study at church called Heaven. I learn more about Carter's new home each week. Each week I walk away and desire heaven more and more. Not only to see Carter, but to just live in a place where there is perfect peace and to have the chance to do nothing but worship. What a day that will be.

Here is the cry of my heart right now. Thanks for continued prayer and for continuing to read my ramblings.

Missing you....

Dear Lord, one precious baby there with You belongs to me- A perfect, tiny wonder whom I long so much to see. So recently within my life my baby took a part; And yet, my baby holds so large a place within my heart. Today that place is empty- just a memory there Of sweet anticipation of a life I'd hoped to share. 'Twas You Who took my baby home to be with You above; Please may my empty, broken heart find comfort in Your love. Remind me, in my loss, the child I love feels only gain- For You saw fit to spare my child from sorrow, fear, and pain. No tragedy will ever fall upon this little life, No lonely moments, no distress from unkind words or strife. Nor shall my baby ever feel the struggle from within, For in my baby's heart today there's not a trace of sin. Oh, loving Lord, Who chose to spare my child from all of this, When heavy is my heart, just let me glimpse my baby's bliss. And may I joy in knowing that my baby is with You-- For living in your presence is what I, too, long to do! So from this day, may this my new anticipation be: One day I'll see my baby who went home ahead of me! -author unknown

Your mommy misses you Christopher Carter Spears and I look forward to a day when I will be able to be in the same place as you again. I hope to hold you again one day (if the Lord allows) but am comforted to know, if I can't have you in my arms, your safe in stronger, safer arms than mine! Thank you Jesus for holding my baby boy.

Monday, September 08, 2008

Time flying by

It was four weeks on Saturday since we lost Carter. Tomorrow is actually September 9th, one official month already. Time is flying by. That first week it felt like time was standing still. I keep wondering in my mind how will I feel a month from now? Would I make it to a month? Would this pain in my heart force me to stop breathing? I feel like for that to have happened, I would have given Satan glory. I refuse to allow Satan anything!! I want the Lord to be given all of the glory for anything that we feel and any special day we make it through. This weekend, our good friends the Bullards, had us over for pizza and a little "Wii" action on Saturday night. I am so glad that we got to do that, so I didn't focus on the day. Although, the funny thing is that, Lisa, Steve, Brent and I were all together four weeks earlier in the hospital together. I yelled for Lisa to and asked (well maybe screamed) for her to come hold my hand while I was in labor. Some how it brought comfort to be with the same family, in a different setting, a few weeks later.

I am excited that tomorrow I will be going to north GA to be with some other ministers and their wives for a "wellness retreat." Again, it will be good to have the focus on other people besides myself. I have found that some days giving to others or just being around other people is helpful. Of course, I still have several days that I just want to be alone at home. That is okay too.

I shared with Brent how much I enjoy going to church each Sunday and look forward to it and even find corporate worship very comforting. At the same time, it is privately so hard to be there. Carter used to kick me like crazy all during the worship service. Not just during the music, but during Dr. Cox's sermons too. Sitting in the service, just being still, is hard for me. This again is another way that Brent and I experience things differently. I would mention to him that I was being kicked, but he never felt it or experienced that feeling like I did. As time passes, I feel like I am going to forget what it feels like to carry Carter inside of me. Right now, it is still fresh in my mind. I still find myself touching my empty stomach, wishing I could feel one more kick. I am so thankful to the Lord that I was able to carry Carter for as long as I did, and was able to experience that feeling of him moving, turning and dancing inside of me. What a joy I will be able to cherish for a lifetime!

I went back to work today for the first time. The Lord has brought me several new clients that are experiencing situations of grief as well. It's neat to be able to really know what they are going through. Of course at the same time, I would give anything to remain ignorant on the "true feeling" of the subject. I continue to pray that the Lord uses me in whatever way He desires, so that I may see a glimpse of His plan. "Lord continue to draw me to yourself and show me more and more of your plan. Help us to be a light in this dark world. Help us to take every opportunity to share you to this lost world."

We had two incredible messages on salvation in church yesterday. It's so important in this time of "hardship" in the world today that we share a message of hope... the message of Christ. This is my prayer. I pray that the Lord will use Carter's life, and our lives, to minister to others and to take ALL opportunities to share HIS name.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

How Did I miss that?

I had the best day yesterday with friends at the Yellow Daisy Festival. It's the gigantic arts and craft show (this women's dream!) at Stone Mountain park. My friends Lisa, Lisa, Cheryl, Cindy and Karen all went and spent 6 hours walking up and down the booths looking, buying, and laughing. I had no idea why I had not gone before now. It was so good to get out of the house and have some fun. I do have to admit, that I saw some incredible cute baby items that I was so tempted to buy because I kept forgetting that I was not pregnant and would not be needing some of those items. BUT, I do believe that God will give Brent and I another baby and sooner than we think. We are praying believing that God will continue to work another miracle in our life.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Labor Day part 2

Wrigley trying to get her ball. She hates the water so much, she is leaning in to get her ball, trying to stay as dry as possible.

On the bay at the Marriott Grand Hotel and Resort (they let you come use their beach access even if you are not a guest!)

If you look close, you will see the watch says 9:30 am and we are eating lunch at Whataburger. We were not going to let this hurricane ruin our lunch plans on Sunday at Whataburger.

Brent has been really excited about getting Wrigley in the ocean and having her chase her ball and just swim around with him. This was his attempt at getting her to play. (As you can tell, she is not a water dog at all!)

Labor Day Weekend

Here are a few pictures from our weekend in Silverhill, AL. (try finding it on a map. Population is only 790. Well there were 793 with Brent, Wrigley and I this weekend)

Brent's first time in 4 1/2 years in Whataburger. This is a happy boy. Jenna got to go in February when she went to visit her friend Jen in Austin.

More Whataburger

The Lord provided for us this special treat of a massage. It was much needed.

Felix Fish Camp on the Pier outside of Mobile. Brent always compares every seafood resturant to the restuarant he worked at in New Orleans. He rates Felix, as the best seafood ever!!! This is big for him.

Notice the small print at the bottom of the screen telling us to get out of town! Gustav is coming.

Vacation Cut Short

After a nice drive down to Silverhill, Al (just a little north of Gulf Shores, AL) we spent all day Saturday at the beach, getting pampered and eating at the best seafood restaurant we have ever been too. It was a full day, but fun for sure. I wouldn't say that it took our minds off of life, but it was a wonderful distraction. Brent and I were both so excited about our plans for Sunday and Monday morning. This trip, was bittersweet, yet a MUCH needed time away. Gustav did ruin our plans. After dinner on Saturday night and seeing the worse case scenario (bumper to bumper traffic) we got up around a little before 5 am and was out of the house by 6 headed home. Both of us were very disappointed after we had the whole weekend planned out and was beginning to look forward to spending the time together and being distracted.

Our trip home was uneventful. We hit a little traffic, but nothing what we had expected. We did stop and eat lunch at Brent's favorite restaurant, Whataburger. The funny thing was, we ate lunch 9:15 am! We felt so confused all day long regarding what time each meal should be. (We kept feeling like we shouldn't be hungry at 3 in the afternoon for dinner!!) We both were exhausted and felt stressed out and on edge after the "drama" of having to leave so quickly. OF course the long drive home did not help our stress level. It is always great to be back at our home in our own bed. The only problem we have now of course is that when we come home, reality hits us again. It was three weeks ago on Saturday that Carter died. Time is slipping away so fast. I still feel like it was yesterday.

I got a phone call over the weekend from a dear friend of ours. It was incredible to be able to talk to her. She shared how she too had lost her first born son (35 years ago today!) It was so neat to speak to someone who really understands how I feel. It was like she was in my head and anything I was thinking or struggling with, the Lord was using her to remind me of His word and the message He has for me.

We have to take life one day at a time. In fact, we have to take life one minute at a time these days. God continues to teach us so much. We keep praying that we are learning all that He has for us to learn.

Praise and Prayer:

Three times we have received a bill in the mail and the next day we have received the money to pay for the bill

Our short weekend away to the beach

Jenna's body continuing to heal

Family and Friends who have been so kind and loving on us


Continue to pray for us to trust the Lord as bills beyond our means continue to come in

Brent and I continue to draw closer to each other and seek heed help from others when needed

Continue to pray for God's timing and healing for us to seek out the time to have future children

God continues to use Carter's life to draw us and others closer to Him

Carter's memorial fund will continue to minister to other families in our community

Prayer for Jenna who will HAVE to go back to work next week. Pray that as I minister to others, I will allow the Lord to minister to me and do my job that will honor Christ.