Monday, January 18, 2010

Hide and Seek

Not even sure what to say right now. I guess I always believe that my blog should be used when I have lots of good stuff happening in my life. But right now... life isn't so much fun. In fact the circumstances of my life really sort of stink. This is when having your own business makes you panic a little. I am blessed that I know the Lord always provides for us. He knows what time of year it is. He knows that January comes after December when we have more to pay for and more expenses go out rather then cash coming in. I know He know that.
I also know that He knew what would happen to this baby. He knew that once again we would experience another loss. He knew that. I am not sure really this purpose of it all. In my weakest moments, I keep feeling like maybe there is something I am not getting. Maybe I am not learning some lesson that I need to learn. I think sometimes I am missing something and until I figure out that aspect of my life then and only then will the Lord bless me with the Desire of my heart.

When we lost Carter I bought all kinds of books in order to deal with the hurt in my heart and in my whole body. It wasn't until the week that I even really sat down and looked at the book. I picked up a devotional companion called "Grieving the Child I never knew." The first chapter - first day... had my name written on the top line. It is called "Hide - And - Seek" I like this game because for me... it helps. I have this idea right now that helping others will somehow make my pain go away. Or at least camouflage it. I feel like there are days that people get tired of all that we are going through. Almost as if to say... isn't two times enough for us to give you support and sympathy. Of course this again is the lie that I tell myself. And maybe there are those that feel that way. Not sure why I feel the need to feel guilty for there frustration!

I myself have learned so much about the process of grief. I learned (as I was reminded by my friend Sally the other day) not to ask people what they need but to make myself available to them.
1. Not to ask if they would like dinner, but to tell them I am bringing dinner over.
2. Not to take it personally if someone is not in the mood to talk or leave the house... to go at their pace.
3. Not to say let me know if there is anything I can do... but look for ways I can serve. Tell them I will be over to clean there house, or wash their clothes or watch their child while they are resting or going to a dr. appointment.

There are so many other lessons that I am learning this third time around. I believe the way I minister and counsel is changing too. I sometimes think I could have read this in a book or watched someone else go through this and still learned the same thing... but I guess that is me lying to myself.

I Peter 4:12 says "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as through something strange were happening to you." This just says to me... Jenna your not crazy and that trails and storms will come. How will I face them.

Each time we suffer a loss, Brent and I have noticed that there are themes. Carter the theme verse was "your grace is sufficient." And was it ever! The last time it seemed for me to be "Be still and know that I am God." This time it is one of my favorite verses that comes up again and again: Psalms 37:4: If you delight yourself in the Lord HE WILL give you the desires of your heart."

Lord my desire is to have my own children to raise to be children who are sold out for you! I desire to delight myself in you. I desire to make my desires your desires. Even in my hurt, sadness, anger and pain... I don't want to run away and hide... I want to grow and seek you!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

And Again

I had just fussed at myself last week for not keeping up with this blog. But in a way I was scared to write. Today my fears were confirmed. At 6 weeks and 6 days we saw the beautiful beating heart of our sweet baby. Today at 9 weeks and 5 days, we were told that once again our baby fell asleep in my womb and woke in the arms of Jesus. We believe the baby passed on Sunday, as that is the first day I stopped having some of the intense pregnancy symptoms. We will never know. We were able to see that this baby had a genetic issue that caused the baby to stop growing. That in a strange way brings comfort to Brent and I as we worry that as we are getting older that there is something wrong with us causing us to not be able to carry a baby to full term. Our doctor confirmed today, as they did the last time, that this just happens. There is nothing that we did and nothing that we can do.

I really really want to be strong and quote some incredible words of scripture. But right now, I am so confused and just really really mad that I am taking comfort in the fact that the Lord loves us and on our behalf family and friends are praying. We have again chosen to wait at home until the baby miscarries. We will again wait until the Lord allows us to get pregnant again. We don't want to give up on our dream and desire to have children. Today.... this is harder than other days.

I looked forward to the day when true answers will come and I can understand more more about why suffering has to occur. I guess until that day comes.... I will just trust and wait.