Life Changing Moment

Today has been hard. It doesn't feel real that a week ago today I was laying in the ER begging for medication and confident that my back pain was nothing more than a kidney infection. I would of course have taken a kidney infection over what it becoming so real. As 7:04p becomes closer and closer, my heart hurts more and more. Brent and I went out today to try and do a few things that we needed to do. I never imagined that it would be so hard to be in pubic and see how many babies are around. I have felt a ton of guilt today. I keep thinking about how many times I complained about being pregnant. I want to be pregnant right now so bad and I can barely stand it. It's becoming harder to remember what it felt like to have Carter in my stomach. And then every so often I think I feel him kicking me again. Then my arms start to ache and my heart breaks. I had said that I wanted his room door closed because I couldn't stand to go in there. I went in this morning to see the new bedding that Jen Jordan made for him and set up. His crib is beautiful. His room is amazing! It's just missing him.

I woke up today at 6:00 am. This was the first morning that I slept past 3:00 am. I went into Carter's room and picked up his quilt and climbed back into bed and fell back asleep crying and clinging to that quilt. With each day, I become more and more angry. Never at the Lord but at the sinfulness of this world. I hate that we are living this right now. I hate that I feel sad to see sweet babies. I hate that I feel jealous of other women and families as they celebrate the life of their child. I had someone tell me this morning that they were sorry for my loss but it was time to move on and to dry up the tears! (she is not a believer and is dealing with this in her own way. I understand that) This is how I feel about life. Life is going on quickly and my situation is not. I feel frustrated that people can just move on and I can't seem to do the same. I keep going back in my mind to the movie Facing the Giants. The main character asks his wife, if they never have a baby will she still trust Him? I have asked that question to myself so many times. I WILL still trust HIM!! It just hurts so bad right now, that I can not breathe.

At the same time, I can't get the song out of my mind "Blessed be the Name of the Lord!" He gives and takes away, but Blessed be His name!

Our lives will never be the same. One week ago we became parents to Christopher Carter Spears at 7:04 pm on August 9, 2008. Within 1 hour 21 minutes, Carter entered into the arms of Jesus and will forever live in eternity! As hard as this is, I have to lean on the fact that God knew this and will bring restoration and healing! Joy through tears!