And Again

I had just fussed at myself last week for not keeping up with this blog. But in a way I was scared to write. Today my fears were confirmed. At 6 weeks and 6 days we saw the beautiful beating heart of our sweet baby. Today at 9 weeks and 5 days, we were told that once again our baby fell asleep in my womb and woke in the arms of Jesus. We believe the baby passed on Sunday, as that is the first day I stopped having some of the intense pregnancy symptoms. We will never know. We were able to see that this baby had a genetic issue that caused the baby to stop growing. That in a strange way brings comfort to Brent and I as we worry that as we are getting older that there is something wrong with us causing us to not be able to carry a baby to full term. Our doctor confirmed today, as they did the last time, that this just happens. There is nothing that we did and nothing that we can do.

I really really want to be strong and quote some incredible words of scripture. But right now, I am so confused and just really really mad that I am taking comfort in the fact that the Lord loves us and on our behalf family and friends are praying. We have again chosen to wait at home until the baby miscarries. We will again wait until the Lord allows us to get pregnant again. We don't want to give up on our dream and desire to have children. Today.... this is harder than other days.

I looked forward to the day when true answers will come and I can understand more more about why suffering has to occur. I guess until that day comes.... I will just trust and wait.

Joy Through Tears

How about this for Joy Through Tears! We are having a BABY.... and the baby is due August 12th!! Carter's birthday is August 9th.



We have been so excited to share our good news but wanted to wait until after Christmas day so we could surprise our families. Since we are sharing Christmas with my parents at my house, we went ahead and sent Brent's family special gifts that included cards and personalized messages announcing that they are going to be grandparents!!! We also sent Brent's sister a special gift with a card telling her about the baby and were surprised ourselves. When she called to tell us congratulations, she told us that she had just gotten ENGAGED!!! WHAT A CHRISTMAS FOR THE SPEARS FAMILY!!!



As far as my family, we had a few plans that we had talked about in order to share with my parents our news. We wrapped up three picture frames. One for my dad, one for my sister and one for my mom. We had my dad open his first. It was a professional picture of our dog, Wrigley from our trip to the beach in a sweet frame that says best buddies. Then my sister open the same gift. This is something that we do in our family all of the time... we give several family members the same exact gift and then laugh as they are opening it and say "I wonder what it could be?" SO as my mom was saying "Oh I wonder what this could be... I am excited to see my picture of Wrigley... " Instead she opened a frame that says "I (picture of a heart) Nana - with a sonogram picture of the new baby! It was quiet for a few seconds for sure, as she didn't quite grasp what it was. Then she started to cry and everyone got excited and started to cheer. It was a great surprise!!


As far as the baby is going... everything is great. We are a little on the high risk side because of the past two years, so we are being extra careful. I have been taking hormone pills at night as well as an antibiotic to keep the infection under control that is present when I get pregnant. I have been to the doctor 4 times in the first 7 weeks. We have had our first sonogram and will go for the next one on Jan 12 (unless I feel the need to go before that day. They have given me permission to go with my mother's intuition and if I feel like ANYTHING is wrong or just need reassurance, then I can go get another look at the baby! What a treat that is).



We are so thrilled about this baby. We appreciate all of your prayers during this next few months for sure. It has been a long road and Brent and I both feel a peace about this pregnancy, but ultimately don't feel like we can really breathe and relax until we are holding our precious child in our arms!



Merry Christmas blog friends. I promise to be better and keep all up to date on all baby news from here on out!! Thanks for praying for sure. Keep it up for sure!

Don't mess with a Momma's boy!!!

Don't mess with a Momma's baby, or I will tell you what... I stopped by to see Carter on Monday (as I do many weeks on my way to work), only to discover the cross we had placed on the grave on his birthday was missing. But more than that... the vase and flowers were missing!! I was having a bad day already on Monday. My trainer at the gym had made major changes to my workout and I was in lots of pain. My head was hurting, I was hungry (always hungry) and tired and not wanting to talk to anyone else that day! I decided instead of saying something I would regret, I would call my hubby and tell him to call and take care of this issue. After calling he said that often there are vases stolen to use for the copper! That brought me no comfort, but more anger! So Wednesday I went over and kindly (I tried to be) asked them what happened and what they would be doing about it. We learned that there was an infant 6 months old that was buried next to Carter and to protect his vase, it was removed. They had just placed it on the wrong grave when they put everything back together. I was so frustrated that they could make such a mistake. I began to understand the idea of a mother protecting her child. I also had to learn more and more about God's grace. Yes the vase and flowers are important to me, but really people and relationship with people are even more important than that! Even the midst of a mother's wrath, God taught me about his gace!! Thank you Lord.

Back again!

*Beware of lot's of grammer and spelling errors!! Will edit when I get a second!!!


What a day I had yesterday! In fact I was so excited about all that the day was going to hold! One of my precious friends was having a yard sale to benefit her brother. He is in his mid 30's and was given the devastating diagnosis this summer that he has ALS. He has already started to progress very quickly. We had come up with the idea to have a small sale, that turned into such a great blessing of how God's people come together to help serve friends who have never meet. It rained most of the day, and many of the items we had hoped would sell has not, but we are hoping to sell them on Craigslist and still get a little bit of money out of them. But... during the sale, I had to run home for a minute. When I returned, my friend was on the phone with another friend of ours. She had called to ask us to pray for her daughter who had had an accident at school and was knocked unconscious for a few minutes. I quickly took off to Gwinnett Medical ER. It was the same place I had been a year before when I found out I was loosing Carter. But, I knew that is what God had for me to on Friday. So I sat and waited with Lisa and her middle daughter. She was fine and in fact doing much better when we were finally able to leave several hours later. Although, there was another family that came in while we were there that didn't get the same good news we got Friday. A little child was rushed through the halls of the children's ER and put into a few rooms down from us. We could hear the commotion and feel the stress of the nurses and doctors as they all ran to help the child. Less than 10 minutes after the commotion began, everything stopped. It was obvious to me what had happened. I knew my friend and her daughter were already stressed enough with all of the craziness they had had during their day. I tried to help make as much noise as I could to entertain my friends, so that they would not be subjected to the noise that was happening in the hallway. I had to struggle to not allow myself to go back to that moment a year ago when I was told that my son was gone. Within a few seconds, the hospital chaplain and social worker and doctor took the sweet family into the room next door and told them the devastating news... there was nothing more they could do, and their precious child was gone. The sound of the mothers scream made my stomach hurt. Although we were able to somewhat distract my friends daughter, I knew my friend Lisa hurt the cry of that mother. She dropped her apple that she had been eating and gave me a looked of pain, fear and panic. It was a moment I had hopped I would never be a part of again. Even being a room away, didn't take away the sickness we felt in our stomachs. Earlier when we began to hear the commotion begin, sweet Emily had looked to us and asked if we could pray for the little child that was so sick. We tried to pretend that the sound we heard was nothing (as I was talking loud and clapping my hands in excitement over the Disney movie we were watching in the ER room). I had seen the people walk into the room and knew what was about to happen and just asked the Lord to help shield our sweet little girl in her bed from hearing the sounds all around her. I not sure she didn't hear the cries but she didn't react to them as if they were anything to be concerned about.

As I walked to pull up our cars when it was finally time to go home, I walked out with the couple who's whole lives had been changed in just a few seconds. A day that they would never forget, and day that will turn their worlds upside down. I walked into the parking lot with this family, so much wanting to hug them, or give them words of encouragement. Tell them I know a little how they feel. Tell them how I walked into the same doors last year with my own child safe in my womb and walked out with arms empty. Tell them that as terrible as it was, I am still able to stand today and walk through another day because of my savior Jesus Christ. I wanted to just touch them. I wanted to hug that mom and tell her that it will be okay one day! But I couldn't. Instead as much as I had tried to pretend, being there, in the same ER ,where I lost my own child was no big deal, it was killing me inside.

I left there (starving... as I have stared a new diet and working out with a personal trainer, and require a lot more food than I used too) to run and help clean up from the yard sale. I finally was able to get home, only to hurry and get ready for a friends bday party. I got in the shower to try and cool off and cleanse my heart a little. Instead, I broke down crying. I still can't get the sound of that mother's cries out of my mind. I don't 100% know what she is feeling, but can understand the pain of losing a child. I don't know what it is like to have had a special gift placed into my arms for a few years and then to be taken into the arms of Christ. But I do know what it is like to hold that child for a few hours and having to walk away and go home empty handed. I keep thinking that this feeling of defeat will pass. The feeling of disappointment month after month finding out we are still not pregnant, to just go away. The hope of having a child while we are still considered young parents, just disappear. I will be 36 in 13 days. It's hard to be excited about exciting events when in fact I really am so sad and just mad that I can't just blow out some candles on a cake and get the "little wish" that I really desire most.

I wish so much that I could say everything will be great and that God will take this away from me and I will be fine. I do know that God is doing great things and our story is helping other people. I know that because I hear that from others. I don't always believe it. In fact I often feel like a failure. I feel like I will never be okay again. I get tired some days of walking in these shoes of lose. I get tired of looking at an empty crib, but don't have the desire to take it down because that would be me admitting defeat. In fact there are days when I am ready to throw my hands up and save I give in! It's days when I am taken back to the place where my life changed that I want to scream Life really stinks!!! I know that truth and believe the truth. But for today, my heart and spirit is weak. I struggle to see the future and am so glad that the Lord knows my future and has a plan for me. UGH, what a day back again!!

Infant Loss

It's been a year since I posted this same post. October 15 - National Infant, pregnancy loss day and the day my best friend Jen was born! What a day of crazy emotions. Today was not what I had expected at all. I didn't feel like I had a chance to sit and ponder on the life and death of Carter of the other sweet friends of mine who have also lost children. My life these days seems to be going 10000 miles per hour. I desire so much to be stopped in my tracks. I want the Lord to allow me to be pregnant and have to slow down. But... I know that is something I must do myself. I am taking a bible Study with friends on Thursday mornings. It is called "One in a Million" It is amazing (although really I have continued to daily say how much I hate it!) It's where I am... in the wilderness. I feel like I am wandering around trying to figure out where I need to be going, knowing that there is "water up ahead" I just can't seem to find it. Do you ever feel that way? You know God has given you direction and even a path (I think he mailed me a map the other day, I just can't seem to figure out how to read it. Just kidding) But I feel like just the Israel, He is taking me the wrong way in order to get to the promise land. Losing two children is not the way to build a family. No.. listen to me Lord, I have it all figured out. So lets just do it my way and things will turn out great!! And that's the line that keeps getting me into trouble.... day after day after day!!

So starting tomorrow, I will wake up again and begin the day serving the Lord and seeking His plan for just tomorrow and hope and pray that I don't mess up His plan and spend more time searching in the wilderness, when really all I need to do is pick up the map and go girl!!! Just go girl!!!!!!!!

Labor Day already?

I can't believe it is Labor Day already. Last year Brent and I attempted a small vacation to AL. It was really a quick get away and actually we had to run away from a hurricane! This year, we spent time planning and are headed to a "real planned out" vacation to the beach! We can't wait. The car is packed already and we are trying to tie up last seconds duties so we can pull out as soon as church ends tomorrow. (We are studying the end times in church and it is so good, we really wanted to stick around. Also, Brent has pastoral prayer team tomorrow, and needs to stay to pray... especially since we are studying the end times!!)



In the last few weeks, the Lord has been showing Brent and I both so much in our lives. I have had a tough few weeks at work, that I know is spiritual warfare. I have had my armor, sword, guns, knives and any other weapon I can find on hand!! I realize that Satan is really trying to work on me and get me to feel defeated. But how can I when I serve such a BIG GOD??? Planning the vacation for a week at the beach has been tough. On top of that the idea that we should be bringing our sweet little boy with us to see the beach for the first time is painful. At the same time, God continues to give me a peace more than ever that in His timing, we will have more children. I can hardly wait to share with you all the amazing things He has been showing us and revealing to us in the last few weeks. We recently had a great sermon on Discouragement and how we all live with it from time to time. Discouragement can be a Joy killer!! It was out of Hebrews 12:1-3. Something Dr. Cox shared has stayed in my heart since then. He said that "God did not save us in order for us to lives in a state of discouragement." The more I think about that, the more it makes sense. If I truly believe Jer. 29:11, then how can I live a life of discouragement. I can't!!! He has a plan and it is good, so good!!

Off to the beach and I can't wait to share with you all our pictures. Pray for us as we enjoy our time as a family and our time with the Lord. I look forward to hearing from Him this week for sure!

Rainbows

This was actually a double rainbow, but I could not seem to get a good picture of it! It's still awesome.

Leading up to Carter's birthday I had begged the Lord to give me peace. Of course, HE DID!! I began to feel a relief that the first major milestone was finally here and gone and I was able to stand strong during that time. Leading up to his birthday, I had prayed, prepared my heart and really focused on the Lord so that I would be able to celebrate all that God has done this year. Then, I began to forget. I began to allow myself to take control again and thought that since that one day was gone, I was cleared of any additional emotional breakdowns that might occur. Oh was I wrong. I had 7 meltdowns in 7 days. It was never about Carter, but it was about me letting my guard down and believing the lie that I was able to handle things alone! What a reminder that I need Christ more than ever to walk me through my day. Even if I had never gone through what we had this past year, the reality of needing a savior is so real in my life. I would say one thing the Lord has really shown me in my life, is just when I think I am in the clear of being able to handle "life" I am quickly reminded... I could never walk a single day without Jesus in my life.


The most wonderful reminder of the Lord showed in front of my house last week. We have had some afternoon/evening storms this past week. One night we were certain it was about to really storm. The sky was very black, the trees began to sway, and the wind was so strong... it was obvious it was going to rain. Instead, the most beautiful reminder of the Lord's promises and love shone bright in the sky!! The storm never happened. Instead TWO rainbows filled the sky. I tried to catch the beauty on my camera, although the camera could never do this sight justice. Thank you Lord for the rainbows in our days. It was a wonderful reminder to me, never think that I can face storms alone. I always need a savior to face each day, storm or no storm! The fact is I NEED JESUS!! What a blessing to know that He will NEVER leave me or forsake me!! God is good all the time, even when I am not.

What a week (and it's only Wednesday)

I can't believe Sunday came and went. Just like that, a year has past since Carter's birth and death. I have to say that I made it through Sunday without tears (I began to well up during a song at church, but didn't break down). Many reading this may feel like that is heartless and cold. You have to understand, I begged the Lord to give us peace. I begged the Lord to make Carter's first birthday a celebration of his life here on earth and even more importantly now in heaven. Of course GOD DID IT!!! The cemetery was hot, but so peaceful and beautiful. We had such a wonderful day on Sunday. It was a true blessing. Friday will be a year since I last saw my sweet boy face to face. It will be one year since I was able to hold him in my arms. It will be a year since I last touched his face and kissed his sweet fingers and toes. As I look back on the year, I came smile and say... thank you Lord. You are good. Although, during this week, it has been hard. I had a special friend of mine, miscarry a baby last night. She actually lost her son last summer as well, and now suffered a miscarriage. It was such a blessing to me to be able to minister to her last night and love her and her husband. It was a gift that God would allow me to be used to minister to other women who also are going through this struggle of loss.

God placed a message in my heart last night that I placed on my facebook page. As I went throughout my day today, counseling several families who are contemplating divorce, or have been through loss themselves, God kept bringing this message to my heart.

I am so glad I serve a God who is bigger than my biggest enemy... greater than my greatest trial... more mighty than my most painful loss...and more awesome than my finite mind could ever imagine!! Now that is what I call victory!!

Happy Birthday Carter

Happy 1st Birthday with Jesus Baby! Your mom and Dad praise the Lord for you!! (and so do all your grandparents and auntie/aunts!)

Opening Ceremony

As Brent was out watering the garden tonight , I couldn't help but think back to one year ago, what I was doing. (not so much about the date, but the day) I had spent the day with my friend Lisa and her son Seth at the movies. Brent had made dinner for us, and we both had been so excited about the opening ceremony of the 2008 Olympics. I laid down on the sofa telling Brent I was not feeling well. I finally decided that I would go upstairs and try to lay down in bed and relax and even fall asleep early, if possible. It had been a tough few days, full of stress and worry at how my pregnant body was not doing what it was supposed to be doing. After I had gotten in my own bed, the pain I was having got worse. Brent was exhausted and I told him to go to sleep and I would sleep in the other bed so that I would not wake him. I watch the Opening Ceremony for a second time before I was unable to stand the pain I had in my lower back much longer. I went in our room to wake up Brent and tell him I needed his help. I thought if he could rub my back or just put Bengay on my legs and back, I would feel better. I took two baths before the night was over. Sleep didn't come for most of the night. I may have slept for about 30 minutes here and there, but the pain kept coming and going. Of course now looking back, I can see that I was in the beginning stages of labor. If I had only known, maybe I would have made a different choice to go to the hospital sooner. If I had only known what I know now, maybe I would have called the doctor in the middle of the night and been more persistent and what I was feeling. If I had only known, maybe I would have chosen a different path to follow that night. BUT I didn't know. Sometimes I feel like that on this journey. Maybe if I had only known what I was about to endure this past year, I would have prepared better. I would have spent more time with the Lord, preparing my heart to be ready for what was to come. If I had only known I would have tried to create a different outcome. But I didn't know. Just another lesson that the Lord has taught me this year. I don't know what tomorrow holds. I don't know the future. I don't know His plans for my life. But I do know what it takes to be obedient. I do know what he has called me to do today. I strive more now to know Him more. I realize it doesn't change life; it won't change my circumstances; it won't make me less sad, or even make me less likely to head into the middle of a storm. But what it does do, is allows me to have a more intimate relationship with my Father. It brings me closer to the creator of my life and my story. It gives me peace during the biggest of storms, the toughest of days, as well as the greatest of moments that I experience. This night one year ago, was not only the Opening Ceremony to the Olympics the world would watch, but it became the opening ceremony for the journey we would walk for the rest of our lives. The lesson is, that I know who wins. I look forward to the day when we are able to stand on the podium before our judge and know that the award of eternal life and a life of obedience was worth the journey! Until that day, we will keep running this race, with our eye on the prize. For that makes this journey worth it!!

I Will Rise

This past Sunday our pastor invited "The Three Guys" to come worship with us during the service. These guys are not famous, and I don't even think they have anything recorded, but are just guys that were obedient to come worship and sing for us. They sang Chris Tomlin's song I Will Rise! It was awesome and just what we needed this very week. Dr. Cox talked about the appointment moment we all will face when the Lord calls us home. The Sunday before we had one of our Sunday School teachers pass away from a heart aneurysm. Dr. Cox asked us what if this was the last Sunday we were at church. Last year on that very Sunday was Carter's "last Sunday" at church. Little did we know that this would be our final week with our precious son.

During the same sermon, our pastor made another statement that reminded me of a simple truth that helped me see this past year in a different light. He said that when someone we love pass away, we don't need to say we lost them. To say that we lost someone means that we don't know where they are. I am confident where Carter is today. He is dancing in the precious of Jesus. He also reminded us that death is not the worse thing that can happen to us, if we know the Lord and have a relationship with Him. I think that has been so much of the comfort that I have felt this week. I have prayed for weeks for the Lord to give me peace this week. And HE HAS!! Like I said so many things are reminding me of last year. Even today, which was the day that I was calling my doctor so overwhelmed with anxiety. One of the doctors told me to go about my day and forget about what was happening. (as if you can do that!) So I went to have lunch with Brent at Subway. Today... one year later, I babysat Cody. For the first time all summer long, we decided TODAY, to bring Brent subs for lunch. Although the restaurant wasn't the same, sitting, and eating subs with Brent brought me back to that day again. Isn't that awesome how the Lord doesn't allow us to forget the precious moments in our lives, even the ones that can be seen as "scary." It was a reminder to me that I won't forget my first born son. God will always give me little snippets to remind me of the events during that week. Not to allow me to be depressed, or discouraged, but to remind me of the gift that I had been given on August 9, 2008. I KNOW, let me say it again, I KNOW, God has, is and will use the life of my son for His glory!

A verse that meant so much to us during our pregnancy with Carter and even after Carter's homecoming, was: "We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all surpassing power if from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed, perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned, struck down, but not destroyed... Therefore we do not lose heart..." "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 4:7-9, 16; 12:9

No matter what we were going through (the shock of being pregnant, or the fear of how we would support another life. The overwhelming grief of seeing your child pass from this life into the arms of Jesus.) No matter what, we know that God's grace is sufficient. I posted the lyrics to Chris Tomlin's song. I will try to figure out how to post the video soon (for some reason I can't figure it out today.) The words really ministered to me. It reminded me that one day, all will be made right in this world. When Jesus comes again, we will be whole. We will celebrate and worship. We will spend eternity without death or suffering. For now, we must realize that this is not our world. The suffering we have is not because of God, but because of the sin of this world. Why does the Lord allow the death of my baby and yet allow the birth of a child addicted to cocaine? Why does the Lord allow the death of my baby and yet allow the birth of a child to a 14 year old teenager? Why does the Lord allow the death of my baby and yet allow the birth of a child to a family who shakes their child or abuses them? Why? Because of sin! The Lord allows yes, but does not make it happen. I truly believe if God could teach me all that I need to learn this year any other way than allowing Carter to die, he would. But this is the journey he has for us. This is our story. God's not done writing our story. Until I take my final breathe on this side of eternity, my story will still be written. I just pray that God uses me and my story for his glory. The Lord is allowing me to share my story with more women who have walked this journey or are just entering into this journey. I pray that I will never pass up a time to share all that the Lord has done in my life, using the life of a son, a baby. My baby.... Carter!

"I Will Rise"

There's a peace I've come to know

Though my heart and flesh may fail

There's an anchor for my soul

I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome

And the grave is overwhelmed

The victory is won

He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:] And I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God fall on my knees

And rise I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near

When this darkness breaks to light

And the shadows disappear

And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome

And the grave is overwhelmed

The victory is won

He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:] And I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God fall on my knees

And rise I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,

"Worthy is the Lamb"

And I hear the cry of every longing heart,

"Worthy is the Lamb" [x2]

[Chorus:] And I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God fall on my knees

And rise I will rise

The Beginning...

I was in a leadership meeting at church tonight, standing in line to get dinner, when it hit me... I have been here before. I had been in that line before, around the same people, standing in the same line. I realized that it was exactly a year ago tonight, that we began the "storm" that we have been in during this past year. One year ago tonight, we had the exact same leadership meeting, with the same exact food (catered by Outback Steakhouse) and I had stood in the same line, headed out the same door, and was surrounded by some of the same people. The difference... last year I was pregnant with my first child Carter and tonight I don't have Carter. Last year I was talking to girls all around me about the different test that we had been through all ready as pregnant first time moms. (there were several other girls at that same time who were having first babies.) Tonight, I was surrounded by people sharing how we had been on their heart this week and knew Sunday will be Carter's first birthday in heaven. It is hard to believe that it has been a year already.

One year ago I went to bed feeling fine (except feeling pregnant and lots of kicking from my unborn son.) I was woken at 4:30 in the morning by the beginning of my water breaking. Except that was not possible, because water can't break during your 22nd week of pregnancy. (at least that is what I told myself). It was the beginning of many phone calls to friends, family and doctors offices trying to figure out what I needed to do next. There seemed to be so many questions and only a lot of guesses at what the problem could have been. As the day progressed the pain that had suddenly began started to get worse and then would go away. I was in a stage of confusion and more panic that I had been up until that day. I felt that something was wrong but wanted so desperately for things to be fine, that I had a hard time believing something was not right. I didn't know what the future held that day or night. How quickly things changed from me having a great time talking to new friends about this most wonderful experience that we were about to have.

Tonight the friends I have are different. They are friends not afraid to talk to me, they are friends that are not afraid of what I may say or do during a sad moment. They are just Jesus to me! My church family and many friends I see daily have become family to me. Not because my own family isn't my family, but because my church family and other Christian brothers and sisters have really radiated Jesus to me.

I have so much that I can look back on a see the Lord's blessings and His hand in our journey. Just tonight was one of the many many things that have occurred. The friendships I have developed over the past year have been life saving, and so precious to me. It's hard for me to think about this terrible day without also thinking about all the good that began that day. God was just on the verge of doing something wonderful and great in over lives. I wouldn't have understood what that was on that day. But soon I would find out. Not even that I understand that completely today, one year later, but one day I will be able to see the ALL of the gifts and blessings the Lord had in store for our lives.

Sunday will be Carter's first heavenly birthday. I have to say I am excited about it. I am of course sad and so wish that we could have him be a part of this party. But... I am excited to have a little celebration. (I realize that I may feel different as the week progress's, but I have asked the Lord to give me a peace that can only be of Him this week, so that I can walk through this week as a reflection of His goodness, grace and mercy! He does provide!) I am excited to celebrate Carter's little life and the difference it made in me. That makes it worth it. Holding Carter for 1 hr 21 min alive and then 24 hours after he had passed... made it worth it. Thank you Jesus for the storms of our lives and the treasures that you teach us through each storm.

It's come to this??

There is a little morning show I like to watch sometimes during the week while I get ready for my day. I am usually a Today show girl, but on occasion can be known to watch another little show. Apparently today someone won a big trip on this show and got to come on stage and celebrate with the host. But what BLEW me away, was the question the host asked about this winner. She asked if she had children. The lady said she had one daughter, by the Grace of the Lord. (good answer). THEN the host said... "Are you still married?" REALLY????? Has it come to this? The question we ask people is no longer, are you married, but are you STILL married?? It gave me a sick feeling in my stomach. We just talked about this subject in my ladies bible study group last night. When I was a child, divorce was just getting more "normal." But it wasn't uncommon to have more friends with married friends, than divorced friends. Now, it has come to us asking this question, are you STILL married. The idea that marriages are so disposable these days makes me so sad. As a therapist, of course it is my heart's cry to be a part of the restoration of marriages and not sit back and watch the destruction of such a beautiful picture of Christ loving us. I know divorce happens. I am not saying that I agree with it for any reason, but acknowledge that it occurs. There is ALWAYS restoration for relationships. God is the God of second chances (and even more than that... thank you Lord!) There are so many celebrities that go through marriages like I go through shoes. If you don't like this one, go back and get another one. Why do we not consider getting the help we need? Of course I know the answer to that. Our pastor challenged us to be bolder in our "testimonies" and our faith this Sunday. Lord please please use OUR MARRIAGE to your glory. Protect Brent and myself, as well as the marriages of each person that reads this message today. If there is someone that just is ready to throw it in... find the best Christian therapist you can find in your area and get help. If your in my area, email me and I, we will help you! jenna.spears@northmetro.net

11 months

I can hardly believe it has been 11 months since we welcomed Carter into this world and then quickly watched him leave to go home to the Lord. What a quick year it has been. Tough -absolutely the toughest of my life. My best friend Jen asked me the other day, would I do it all over again. Without even thinking about it, I said OH YEAH!! Would I give birth to the most perfect looking baby I have ever seen. Oh course!! Would I take 22 1/2 weeks of life over none!! ABSOLUTELY!! Would I spend that 1 hour and 21 minutes with my child all over again. YUP!! And and hard as it is to admit, I would never give up everything the Lord has shown me over this past year. I am a different person. Brent and I are different people. We see the world different. We feel different. We talk different. We act different. We love different. We still have not overcome it all. We still don't have a day go by that we feel the loss of our son, our first born child. We still have days that we wish we could start all over again. But, at the end of the day, we can sit back and say.... God you are good, and you are enough!!!

Brent and I were talking last night how to celebrate Carter's first birthday. Those are some of the moments that I want to scream out loud... WITH CARTER OF COURSE!!! We talked about some special ways for us to spend together and celebrate his birth. As time goes on, I will post pictures and events of that day of course.

I have to honest and say this past year has not gone as I would have planned it out. Of course I wanted to have Carter first and foremost. But after we lost him, I was sure I would be celebrating his birthday holding another child. Or at least carrying another child. The loss of one child is tough, but to lose a second soon after the first, is so frustrating. But I am seeing more and more that no matter what I do, or how I plan, or how I manipulate (that is big for me to admit)... the Lord is in control and I can do nothing to take over control. I continue to pray for my desires and seek Him more and more each day. (Psalms 37:4). I feel so strongly that one day we will have more children. Until that day... and on that day... and after that day.... I must trust the Lord for He is good!!

Not Again

I had just walked in the door from work and my husband had that look on his face. He looked sick to his stomach almost, as if something terrible had just happened. I was right. Something terrible had just happened. It had happened again. Very close friends of ours found out that their baby passed away in their mom's womb today. She is 25 weeks pregnant and without any warning, his little heart beat stopped and their son is now with the Lord. The father is like a younger brother to me. When I was in college, I lived with this family for a few years. Earlier this Spring when Brent and I had found out we were expecting our second baby, our friends found out they were expecting their first. And now they are left with questions, pain, fear, hurt, sadness, sorrow, anger, frustration, and a whole mess of confusion on what could have happened. She will go in early in the am to be induced and deliver their first child. I can hear the doctors telling me Carter was going to die all over again. It's as if I am back in that moment. Why does this keep happening? That was the first thing that popped into my head. Lord, I am sick of this sinful world. The pain is getting worse the older we get. I just spend an hour working with a client about the unfairness of life. He was struggling understanding why life is so unjust, and I came home to more injustice. Just last week, a 14 year old boy, who used to attend our church, accidentally hung himself in his own backyard! We have a plan for our kids lives and having a funeral for them is never part of that plan.

I have been struggling this past month with the frustration of not getting pregnant as fast as "I" had planned on. I had a grand, well thought out plan, that I would surprise my sweet husband on father's day with the big news that we were expecting again. Except that never happened. I became obsessed with test taking. I was determined that I must be pregnant because I was feeling pregnant. Just a reminder that I have to stop relying on my feelings and only stand on truth. It's not about my timing. It's not about my plans. It's not about my feelings. It's not about my wants. It's what the Lord has planned for me! He cares about my timing, plans, feelings, wants. He knows them too! (just in case I do remind him at least two or three times a day! He he. Of course, He reminds me right back that He's got it!!!)

I will never understand this world. I don't want to understand this world. I so desire to see what God wants me to do next! He has placed such a burden in my heart and the desire is growing stronger the more hurt, sadness and death I see. My blog friend Keri said in a recent blog that she struggles understanding loss of first children like Brent and I went through. I have that same struggle. Especially today and I talked to my sweet friend and tried to listen to her fears and pain of what tomorrow will hold. PLEASE join in prayer for my friends. (I am not sharing their names as I am not sure they have shared their tragedy with many people yet and I don't want to share something that they need to be able to tell people.)

WOW

I don't even know what to say in this blog because I am so excited. Brent and I have become very close to the Covell family, Lisa and Cody. Cody is 6 and going into the 2nd grade. Although most days he acts more like 12 (as he likes to tell us). Lisa is a very young widow who works very hard at raising a little boy to be like Christ. You can't help but fall in love with this little ball of energy. At the beginning of summer, I offered to watch Cody two days a week while Lisa works. Cody and I have had a good time going on little adventures so far. We tend to eat lunch with Brent a lot and go to movies, swimming and lots of shopping! (just what he loves... he he) This week of course was VBS. We offered to pick up Cody each day and take him, since he just lives down the road from us.

On Wednesday during VBS the gospel was presented to all of the children. Cody's next door neighbor picked him up and brought him on that day, so we didn't get to see him. But this morning when I brought him to his class, his teacher (Heather Harbin, for those who know how awesome she is) met me in the hall and said "Well?" I gave her a puzzled look and said "Well what." She said Cody had talked to her in the hallway on Wednesday and said he wanted to pray to receive Christ, but wanted to wait and pray with his mom. Well Cody went home and never mentioned it. So.. I dropped off Cody and called Brent (who was upstairs getting ready for his skit). Brent was so thrilled and was looking forward to seeing Cody. We decided that Bren and Cody needed a "man's lunch date." So after VBS, Brent took Cody to lunch (a favorite spot of theirs) for lunch. When they came home, they sat at our kitchen table where Brent presented the gospel to Cody. Cody can be a silly, high energy child. But, during those few minutes that Brent was talking to him, Cody was focused and interested hanging on the words that Brent was sharing. Of course I was in the other room on my computer weeping! It was awesome. As Brent prepared to go to work, Cody came into talk to me. I asked if about what he was talking to Brent about. After a brief talk, Cody said that when he is a Christian, he will get to go to heaven. He said that means that one day he will get to see my baby boy Carter and his daddy, who both live in heaven right now! I just swept him into my lap and kissed all over him! There was nothing else I could do! (when I told his mom, she just balled!)

Brent had to go on to work and we decided that we would wait for Cody's mom before we actually prayed the prayer to receive Christ. Every parent deserves that chance to be with their children when they make the most important decision in their life. When Lisa came around 6 tonight, we all sat in our living room and Brent shared about all that had taken place today. Then Brent asked Cody some more questions and with confidence Cody said that he wants Jesus to live in his heart and that he wants to be forgiven of his sins and that he knows the only way to be forgiven is to believe in Jesus! So we all four held hands as Brent led us in a time of prayer. Lisa and I wept! Cody had so much energy and was non stop talking afterwards. It was different than we had seen before with him, like he felt his life was different today. He is becoming a different kid. He is a different kid, for now He is a Child of God!! WHEW!!! ISN'T GOD SOOOOOO GOOD!!! Pray for our little friend and his mom as they begin this journey. Pray for us as we continue to poor love and truth into his life, as well as the many other families that love on this family from our church!

Sweet Crocs

Special Needs kids (they are awesome) - Brent's class
5th grade B - Jenna's class

Our first garden

First green beans in our garden!! Check us out.

Can't believe it is day 3 already. What a day. Thank you to those who have been praying. We had one salvation in my group of 16 kids today. SWEET. I was in charge of sharing the gospel during out bible study time. I felt like I did not prepare as well as I could have because of some much going on, but God just started speaking for me. I felt so good after we were done. Not about me, but just the clear message God gave me. Then to see a salvation... now that is fruit from obedience. LOVE IT. I am posting the two videos of Brent today and a few pictures.

By the way.. I am putting in one little shot of our garden as well. We have beans now!!! We are so proud of ourselves.

ONYA

Each day at VBS gets better. Today the skit was so much fun. I put a small clip of the funniest part at the bottom. I would have to say my favorite part of the day was talking to my 5th graders about what it means to really worship. Some of them were getting it. It is so sweet to see some of the middle school kids grasp what it means to have a prayer life, time of devotion and study of God's Word. I really am looking forward to tomorrow, because Wednesday is when the gospel is presenting and time is allowed for kids to make a decision for Christ. If you think about it, pray for the kids at North Metro tomorrow between 9:30-10:30! (actually pray for our kids all week long!) The only reason we do this is for the kingdom!!

VBS Boomerang Express 2009 - day 1

Here is just a small clip of the worship introduction of VBS 2009! Although we are some weary people, the day was wonderful and we are looking forward to tomorrow. (by the way... this is Brent speaking Australian during the worship time. He is also helping in the special needs department. Jenna is helping to teach a 5th grade class). As part of a wonderful praise, I (Jenna) met a new friend at the library the other day and asked her to bring her girls to VBS. They showed up today and I was so thrilled that I had asked them to come. Doesn't it feel so good to be obedient? Why can't I do that all of the time?

Summer is here

I have been terrible about keeping up with the blog lately. I guess sometimes I still revert back to my old way of thinking that since we don't have kids there isn't a lot to talk about. BUT... then I realize that there is so much going on and God is doing so much in our lives that I really do have tons to share.


I had an incredible month of May. I spent a weekend with 12 friends in Charleston SC at a Women of Joy conference. The conference was awesome (although I did not make it through the Casting Crown concert without balling). I think my favorite part of the weekend was just hanging with friends and getting to know my sisters better. Isn't just good to hang with girls sometimes?? I love it. Over memorial day weekend Brent and I traveled to NC to a wedding and then on to Maryland to celebrate my dad's retirement. Although bittersweet (he was not ready to retire) the Lord knows best and has a plan for his life and this was the time for Dad to stop working for IBM. Not many people can say they work almost 40 years at a company these days! What a great accomplishment! GO DAD!!



We came back home and have been running since. Brent and I have dreamed of counseling together since we got married 7 years ago. We have finally gotten the chance to start doing couples counseling together this Spring. We love it!

Brent and I both continue to pray and look forward to each month to find out if God has blessed us with another pregnancy. We have tried to plan our summer and year around the hope that we will be pregnant and need to stay close to home. Only God knows that plan and we are enjoying taking life one day at a time. (some days that is easier than others.) It has been hard not to compare our life now and last year at this time. We are not looking forward to Aug. 9th coming, but I know the day will come and will go and God will walk us through it all. In the meantime, we both feel strongly that God has asked us both to do some "special projects" and we ask that as the details are shown to us that you our blog friends pray for us. As details of what is come unfold, we will be sure to share!