Not Again

I had just walked in the door from work and my husband had that look on his face. He looked sick to his stomach almost, as if something terrible had just happened. I was right. Something terrible had just happened. It had happened again. Very close friends of ours found out that their baby passed away in their mom's womb today. She is 25 weeks pregnant and without any warning, his little heart beat stopped and their son is now with the Lord. The father is like a younger brother to me. When I was in college, I lived with this family for a few years. Earlier this Spring when Brent and I had found out we were expecting our second baby, our friends found out they were expecting their first. And now they are left with questions, pain, fear, hurt, sadness, sorrow, anger, frustration, and a whole mess of confusion on what could have happened. She will go in early in the am to be induced and deliver their first child. I can hear the doctors telling me Carter was going to die all over again. It's as if I am back in that moment. Why does this keep happening? That was the first thing that popped into my head. Lord, I am sick of this sinful world. The pain is getting worse the older we get. I just spend an hour working with a client about the unfairness of life. He was struggling understanding why life is so unjust, and I came home to more injustice. Just last week, a 14 year old boy, who used to attend our church, accidentally hung himself in his own backyard! We have a plan for our kids lives and having a funeral for them is never part of that plan.

I have been struggling this past month with the frustration of not getting pregnant as fast as "I" had planned on. I had a grand, well thought out plan, that I would surprise my sweet husband on father's day with the big news that we were expecting again. Except that never happened. I became obsessed with test taking. I was determined that I must be pregnant because I was feeling pregnant. Just a reminder that I have to stop relying on my feelings and only stand on truth. It's not about my timing. It's not about my plans. It's not about my feelings. It's not about my wants. It's what the Lord has planned for me! He cares about my timing, plans, feelings, wants. He knows them too! (just in case I do remind him at least two or three times a day! He he. Of course, He reminds me right back that He's got it!!!)

I will never understand this world. I don't want to understand this world. I so desire to see what God wants me to do next! He has placed such a burden in my heart and the desire is growing stronger the more hurt, sadness and death I see. My blog friend Keri said in a recent blog that she struggles understanding loss of first children like Brent and I went through. I have that same struggle. Especially today and I talked to my sweet friend and tried to listen to her fears and pain of what tomorrow will hold. PLEASE join in prayer for my friends. (I am not sharing their names as I am not sure they have shared their tragedy with many people yet and I don't want to share something that they need to be able to tell people.)