11 months

I can hardly believe it has been 11 months since we welcomed Carter into this world and then quickly watched him leave to go home to the Lord. What a quick year it has been. Tough -absolutely the toughest of my life. My best friend Jen asked me the other day, would I do it all over again. Without even thinking about it, I said OH YEAH!! Would I give birth to the most perfect looking baby I have ever seen. Oh course!! Would I take 22 1/2 weeks of life over none!! ABSOLUTELY!! Would I spend that 1 hour and 21 minutes with my child all over again. YUP!! And and hard as it is to admit, I would never give up everything the Lord has shown me over this past year. I am a different person. Brent and I are different people. We see the world different. We feel different. We talk different. We act different. We love different. We still have not overcome it all. We still don't have a day go by that we feel the loss of our son, our first born child. We still have days that we wish we could start all over again. But, at the end of the day, we can sit back and say.... God you are good, and you are enough!!!

Brent and I were talking last night how to celebrate Carter's first birthday. Those are some of the moments that I want to scream out loud... WITH CARTER OF COURSE!!! We talked about some special ways for us to spend together and celebrate his birth. As time goes on, I will post pictures and events of that day of course.

I have to honest and say this past year has not gone as I would have planned it out. Of course I wanted to have Carter first and foremost. But after we lost him, I was sure I would be celebrating his birthday holding another child. Or at least carrying another child. The loss of one child is tough, but to lose a second soon after the first, is so frustrating. But I am seeing more and more that no matter what I do, or how I plan, or how I manipulate (that is big for me to admit)... the Lord is in control and I can do nothing to take over control. I continue to pray for my desires and seek Him more and more each day. (Psalms 37:4). I feel so strongly that one day we will have more children. Until that day... and on that day... and after that day.... I must trust the Lord for He is good!!