The Beginning...

I was in a leadership meeting at church tonight, standing in line to get dinner, when it hit me... I have been here before. I had been in that line before, around the same people, standing in the same line. I realized that it was exactly a year ago tonight, that we began the "storm" that we have been in during this past year. One year ago tonight, we had the exact same leadership meeting, with the same exact food (catered by Outback Steakhouse) and I had stood in the same line, headed out the same door, and was surrounded by some of the same people. The difference... last year I was pregnant with my first child Carter and tonight I don't have Carter. Last year I was talking to girls all around me about the different test that we had been through all ready as pregnant first time moms. (there were several other girls at that same time who were having first babies.) Tonight, I was surrounded by people sharing how we had been on their heart this week and knew Sunday will be Carter's first birthday in heaven. It is hard to believe that it has been a year already.

One year ago I went to bed feeling fine (except feeling pregnant and lots of kicking from my unborn son.) I was woken at 4:30 in the morning by the beginning of my water breaking. Except that was not possible, because water can't break during your 22nd week of pregnancy. (at least that is what I told myself). It was the beginning of many phone calls to friends, family and doctors offices trying to figure out what I needed to do next. There seemed to be so many questions and only a lot of guesses at what the problem could have been. As the day progressed the pain that had suddenly began started to get worse and then would go away. I was in a stage of confusion and more panic that I had been up until that day. I felt that something was wrong but wanted so desperately for things to be fine, that I had a hard time believing something was not right. I didn't know what the future held that day or night. How quickly things changed from me having a great time talking to new friends about this most wonderful experience that we were about to have.

Tonight the friends I have are different. They are friends not afraid to talk to me, they are friends that are not afraid of what I may say or do during a sad moment. They are just Jesus to me! My church family and many friends I see daily have become family to me. Not because my own family isn't my family, but because my church family and other Christian brothers and sisters have really radiated Jesus to me.

I have so much that I can look back on a see the Lord's blessings and His hand in our journey. Just tonight was one of the many many things that have occurred. The friendships I have developed over the past year have been life saving, and so precious to me. It's hard for me to think about this terrible day without also thinking about all the good that began that day. God was just on the verge of doing something wonderful and great in over lives. I wouldn't have understood what that was on that day. But soon I would find out. Not even that I understand that completely today, one year later, but one day I will be able to see the ALL of the gifts and blessings the Lord had in store for our lives.

Sunday will be Carter's first heavenly birthday. I have to say I am excited about it. I am of course sad and so wish that we could have him be a part of this party. But... I am excited to have a little celebration. (I realize that I may feel different as the week progress's, but I have asked the Lord to give me a peace that can only be of Him this week, so that I can walk through this week as a reflection of His goodness, grace and mercy! He does provide!) I am excited to celebrate Carter's little life and the difference it made in me. That makes it worth it. Holding Carter for 1 hr 21 min alive and then 24 hours after he had passed... made it worth it. Thank you Jesus for the storms of our lives and the treasures that you teach us through each storm.