Never know

My day to go see Carter is usually Tuesday. I don't get there all of the time, but if I am going to go, that would be the day. I have to drive past that area on Tuesday's on my way to work, so if I have time, I stop. Yesterday, I almost didn't stop. I was so tired and had a long long day. I needed to cook dinner, finish a bunch of stuff for work and wanted to get to bed EARLY. But... I stopped anyway. When I got there, I noticed a gentleman sitting on the other side of the "bible statue" that is on Carter's left side. I thought about not stopping again. Just felt strange to run into someone out there. It has never happened to us before. After getting out of the car, I went and played with the flowers on Carter's grave. I felt stupid all of a sudden for being there. The gentleman came over and said to me, "Are you visiting?" I said I was. He said he was there to see and sing to his twins. I knew him right away. Brent and I had visited that grave many times wondering what it would be like to be that family. He began to share his story and I began to share ours. Turns out that he and his wife lost their twins around 5 months as well. Her cervix was not able to stay closed in order to keep the babies inside. They deposited a little boy and a little girl into heaven. Micheal, who is the dad, shared with me about how that is the best place for his children... living with Jesus. Can you imagine what their life must be like??, he asked me! I told him... Pure worship. Turns out he and his wife Angel go to the "other big baptist church" in our area. We actually play sports against their teams a lot. It was a special meeting for sure. Micheal said his wife is not able to come see the twins. (They died in June of 2007) because it was too hard. But, he was going to ask her to meet me sometime on a Tuesday so that we could talk! Never know who God will bring into your life on any certain day. We never know.

Mother's Day without Carter

So I almost felt like it wasn’t Mother’s day for me. Although, of course it was special to be able to honor both Brent’s mom and my mom. To be able to reflect on all they have done for us made it a special day. Lately I have been concerned that the tears don’t flow as often and as much for me anymore. But my concern was taken away this morning during the service. I cried from the beginning to the end. It was a lot harder than I expected. But… as always, my sweet husband made my day incredible. I had been in need of a new computer, so he took me to buy a new computer and printer yesterday. Then this morning, he had flowers and a card on the table waiting for me. The most special thing was a beautiful bracelet with Carter’s name and birthstone on it. It was all I could to not look at it during church this morning. Then he took me to lunch at my favorite lunch spot! It was an awesome, yet very emotional day. Praying that next year we will have more to celebrate. I trust that the Lord will bless us this year with that news!!!

Even after the flowers, computer, printer, dinner, and lunch... This is my favorite and most treasured gift I got for Mother's Day. I look forward to adding others names to this representing other babies.

Grow Grow Grow

I would not consider Brent or myself to have a green thumb. In fact most plants that we plant die or just don't do what the packet promises. But the Lord has had favor on us and given us a new hope! Here are the pictures from our garden just two weeks into our project. By the way.. we do have a seedling for all of our plants, but a few of them are harder to see on a camera so I just posted the largest ones.

Cucumbers

Lettuce

Carrots

Green Beans

More Please

If you have followed our blog at all you would have realized by now that we LOVE our dog! Wrigley does so many funny things that keep up in stitches. She gets her own ice from our ice maker. She sits by our crib and will cry because she wants to "sniff and nose" the bear that is in the crib. She loves to sit on Brent's lap no matter where he is. She loves to come and give you a big hug (paws around your neck or waist and will just squeeze!) Just to name a few. One of the things she started about a year ago was letting us know when she would like some more food. No matter where we are in the house (upstairs, downstairs, kitchen...) she will bring us her bowl and just stare at us and the bowl. She never barks just brings us her bowl. I saw her finishing her food today and ran upstairs to get the camera hoping she would bring me her bowl and I could get it on camera. I did! She is such a joy in our lives and we are so blessed (even she is a monster) that we have our little puppy (well maybe the little part isn't so true anymore!!)

As an update.... the garden is going awesome. I will post some pictures. We already have lots of seedlings that have grown in one week!!! So far so good.

Garden 2009 (The year we hope to harvest lots of New Life!!!)

Our Garden!

Brent and I have wanted to plant a garden since we got married 7 years ago. Each year we get a little closer to planting this garden (two years ago we planted a little lettuce on the side of our yard and last year we did a container garden. The trouble has always been that we never do it right). This year we did it up big and did it right.


We decided that we would involve our very favorite GA 6 year old, (I say GA because our favorite TX 6 year old is Elias Jordan!!!) in the process. Oh what fun he had. In fact, he is spending the night (with Wrigley according to him) and snoring right now because he played so hard tonight! We prayed over the garden before we went out to dinner. Cody was so sweet asking God to bless our garden! He is such a blessing to us. God has really given us a gift by bringing this sweet boy into our life. More garden 2009 to come. Of course as you see in the title, our hope is that this year we will harvest (or at least by the beginning of next year) lots of new life! Nothing yet, but we are looking forward and hoping for what is to come!


Cody and Wrigley sleeping together.


Cody and Brent reading how to plant the seeds

Thanks to Jen Jordan, Brent just followed exactly what she did for her garden! It turned out awesome.

Our Spring Break

Spring Break to those of us who do not have kids school aged does not mean a whole lot at all. But this week, it has felt a lot like "spring break." Brent has this Friday off for Good Friday and we are looking forward to doing something as a "family" that is fun. This past week has been crazy. Last Saturday, we had a baseball game at church. It was so hot that I fried!! It was our big shopping day for the month (which I must bag on myself... I saved a total of 150.00 this month so far on food. We shop for the month and normally I have almost spent my budget at the beginning of the month. Thank you Lord for coupons. I bought frozen steamfresh veggies for $.19, buy on get one free dressings, Buy one get one free Ragu sauce for $.50 a piece and so on!) All that to say, I wasn't thinking about how long I would be sitting in the sun. Now I have the "mother/wife" sunburn "V" on my neck. There were several other "mom's/wives" on Sunday with the same thing.

The highlight of our weekend was Saturday night for sure. Brent and I had invited our little friend Cody to come stay the night with us. He normally gets homesick after a little while staying with us, so we didn't know what to expect. It was a blast. We watched Brent's baseball game, which Cody's friends were on the team, we went shopping, grilled hamburgers and saw the movie at the theatre "Bolt." We had so much fun. I took a picture of Cody, Brent and Wrigley at bedtime reading a bedtime story. There is also a picture of Wrigley sleeping with Cody. I worried that Cody would get up in the middle of the night and want to come in with us, but he didn't! It was so sweet and we all had a great time.

When I saw the picture of the three of them, I couldn't help but be a little teary and feel such a peace at the same time. It was almost a picture of grace and hope for the future. Almost like the Lord was showing me a glimpse of our future! I am not saying that this is certain, although I do believe in my heart that WE WILL have children one day. It just brought me hope and joy to see them. Brent was reading a book and Cody was asking him all kinds of question about Jesus. It was so touching to hear my husband sharing the gospel with this sweet little boy. It was nice that his mom had an evening alone as well. I know she enjoyed the break and time to have alone time that mom's need when they are parenting alone.

Thank you Lord for pictures of your grace and your love in the little things in life.

By the way, as I sit here looking out my window in Atlanta, GA... looking at my very sunburned arms... it is SNOWING!!! We are supposed to be getting back in the 70's on Thursday, but for today, SNOW!!! God and His sense of humor!

Lots of Baggage

Don't we all walk around with our "stuff." In counseling I call it baggage. I watch and listen as clients come into my office daily/weekly bringing the same suitcase with them week after week. I say I don't get it, but as I leave my office, I walk out with my own suitcase. I get tired of dealing with all of that. I see the world around me and what is happening and feel the anxiety of it all. I mean our little lives this year have been rocked. It was one year ago this week that we found out we were pregnant with precious Carter. Even that day that we found out, I felt fearful, excited, nervous, anxious and completely out of control! Then I see myself in the mirror today. I hear myself talk and notice that I have changed a lot. I went from carrying around a "suitcase" of fear of anything wrong happening in my little world, to being a mother who has lost two children. I never imagined that God would allow this to occur in my life, but it has happened, and I am able to not only stand, but share a testimony of what God has done in my life since then. I would have loved for Him to have taught me these lessons some other way, but I am believing that there was no other way in this fallen world. My dad lost his job last Thursday after being with his company for 39 years and 10 months! Another event in our lives that is a disappointment and "life rocking!" But more and more I am seeing and believing and knowing with God confidence, that God is in control. He is not surprised by our stuff! He desires for us to live life in victory.

We had Ergun Caner come speak to our church this weekend. He is an ex-Muslim, now the Liberty Seminary President. He made a quote this week that was so profound to hear again (of course something I know, but don't live by often). He said "Men of God (God's children who have given their lives to Christ) are lives are untouchable, until the will of God is complete." Meaning we will not be killed (we may be taken through trials, but not lose our lives) until God's will for our lives is complete. What a comfort that is to remember that.

No matter what is happening, God is still on His throne. Brent and I have been praying and asking the Lord to open doors for us to minister using our testimony of losing Carter as well as this baby. We both feel strongly that God wants us to to help others go through times of loss. Not just loss of children like we have gone through, but job loss, divorce, changes in life and any other situation that may be occurring.

"Consider it pure joy my brother whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2-3 and then vs 12 says "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who live them." Isn't that good! My trials are not in vain! I don't want to miss out on this crown of life! So as we run this race, asking questions on the way, trying to figure out these lessons we are learning, we will persevere. Isn't He GOOD!! I know my Redeemer lives and that it is He in me that allows me to face my tomorrows!

While I am waiting...

I HATE WAITING!!! But, that is one of the new lessons that God is teaching me in my life. Actually, it's not a new lesson, it's just one of the things that I just can't seem to get a hold of in my life. I want things like yesterday. I have always been like this. But I know God has so much more for me. So much comes when we wait for things in life. I learn so much during that waiting time. We of course are in a waiting period again now as we wait to be able to try to have another baby. It's during this time that I become restless. God what should I do now? Some days I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I don't fit in with the younger friends without kids, because we are almost 10 years younger than they are and in a different place in life. Since we do not have kids (here on earth) it's hard to fit in with those our age who are doing things with their kids. Let me make this clear, this has nothing to do with others, it has to do with my own perception of life. I have some awseome friends who are with kids and without! I love spending time with them all. This is more about me and where I am some days. There are days I love spending time hearing others kids laugh and play. There are some days when I will be talking to a friend and the sound of their children's voices hurt my heart so much I want to snap. So what do I do as I wait??

I remember back last fall for my birthday, Brent took me to see the movie Fireproof. What an amazing movie that was. I loved it. There was this song about waiting that I loved. After I left the movie, the song was out of mind out of sight. But today, the Lord brought it back to me. I was getting my hair done and I heard the song at the hair salon (it is owned by a christian couple.. cool huh!) Anyway, it's by John Waller called "I am Waiting." I posted the song and the lyrics. Isn't it so neat how our God speaks to us at the perfect moment. During my waiting... I will serve!! I will still Love you Lord, Serve you Lord out of obedience!! Just to speak the name Jesus is so sweet and helps calm my nerves and makes the all that I am waiting for worth it!

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting

I will serve You

While I'm waiting

I will worship

While I'm waiting

I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am peaceful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it's not easy

But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve you while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Another Part of God's plan

I never imagined this would take place when I first began this blog!! I began my blog at the "suggestion" of my friend Jen. I thought it would be fun to keep up with friends and share some pictures and other fun stuff happening in our little world. Of course I didn't except the Lord would take us on such a journey this past year and that our blog would become a life line for us some days. In the middle of this journey I have been amazed at the outpouring of support and love that we have gotten from so many people. I don't know why I have been amazed because isn't that what God's children do... love on each other with the Love of Jesus? What has blown me away is all of my new precious Blog friends who I have come to adore and love very much!! Isn't that just like the Lord to bring new friends together walking through a similar journey at the same time and living all over the country and yet our lives are woven together the common thread of our love for our Savior. The encouragement of these ladies to me has been amazing. The out pouring of their hearts have been an encouragement to me and many days has been the calming assurance that I need to know I am not alone in this journey and that there are others that "get me."

I believe God has a plan for all of our lives for sure. This is just part of His plan for us today. I don't' want to take granted the special new friends God has given me. Please join me in praying for my friends Kerry, Casey, Nancy, Jody, and Hilary. I know there are many other names of new friends as well, but here are just a few to add as you continue to pray for our family, pray for them too! I get excited to watch and see how small pieces of God's plan unfold before our eyes and bring ladies from different walks of life, different areas of the country and yet we can be so connected because of our relationship with the Lord what He is doing in our life today!

Jesus we are so thankful for friends to dance with

For your continuing guidance and special

Touches in our lives that make

It easier to walk through today!

You are so good - Even in the Storms

We Praise you, and dance to the music

You give us in our daily lives!!

Good, Just Good

I have been meaning to update this since last week, but just couldn't find the right words to share. First, God really blessed us so much by allowing me on Tuesday evening to have a miscarriage at home. Although... I must confess that, giving birth to Carter and miscarrying this baby both HURT about the same amount!! (maybe a small exaggeration but not to far off). I never thought about getting an epidural before, but Tuesday night I was looking for the epidural man to come and give me some help!! (I was not able to find such a person in my house, so motrin, heat and lot's of prayer had to do!!) Although it was a great relief and Brent and I are both glad to be done with that part of this journey, I find myself nervous about getting pregnant again. There is nothing I want more than to be pregnant and have a sweet baby that looks just like my sweet husband and a little like me! But, this emotional pain that we are having to go through as well as just the fear of this happening again and again and again.... makes me question this whole process. Then I am reminded of how Good the Lord really is and that if we are supposed to have a sweet baby God will provide that. I have been reading and memorizing the verse from Psalms 37:4. If we delight in the Lord, He WILL give us the desires of our heart. This is our hearts desire and we feel called to have children. We are not ready to give up yet (although I am feeling like an elephant. Did you know they are pregnant for 23 months before they have their babies!!!) Although total I have only been pregnant for 8 months (almost 6 months the first time and 10 weeks this time) it still sort of feels like a year. In 2008 we found out that we were pregnant the first week of April. As we end this pregnancy in the first week of March our doctor says that we could be pregnant as soon as 4 to 6 weeks from now!! So we will be right back to the same dates that we were pregnant last year.

I say all of this to say: When I look and think about this situation with my human ears and my fleshly understanding of life, I think... This isn't fair. There are so many teenage girls who get pregnant that are not married, do drugs and could care less about having a child. Or how many times have I had to counsel a women who have had an abortion (I meet a lady once who had 5 abortions by the time she was a freshman in college!! Can you imagine.) BUT... I am reminded again about what fairness is in the eyes of the Lord. It isn't fair that God allows me to serve Him. It isn't fair that God would allow me to enter into His holy presence and live with Him for eternity! That is not fair. All of the challenges in life that we are experiencing, really are just more chance for us to praise the Lord in all times!

It brings me back to the blog that I talked about last month. When we enter into the storms in our lives, that is when we need to ask the Lord to teach us how to Dance in the Rain. I thought I knew how to dance. In fact I felt sure that I was dancing! But here I am, grabbing my dancing shoes again and getting my groove on ... again as I wait my turn. I am waiting for God to call me my name when it is SHOW TIME. It is amazing that God is always on time. Even when we don't realize what a bible study is all about, or a quote that someone shares with us or even a sermon that we may walk away from thinking how does that apply to me? It is usually a few days later that we look back and say, I got it! This is what that was for. The Angela Thomas Bible Study I took was just that for me. I thought my time of waiting was over (since I knew I was pregnant during that study), but here I am waiting again. I am determined this time to dance during this storm instead of jumping into the hole of darkness that seemed to surround me last fall. My turn WILL COME!! I AM SURE OF THAT!!! So I say it again.... LET'S DANCE!!

Our joy through Tears - Brought more tears

I was so excited to tell my blog friends that WE ARE PREGNANT!!! (I have been wanting to blog this for 5 weeks now!)

BUT... we found out today at our first dr appointment that our baby stopped growing at 6 weeks (we are 8 weeks now). At our ultrasound today, our doctor shared that there was no longer a heart beat and our baby had passed. I had never gotten a real peace about this baby. I begged the Lord to allow everything to be okay. I really wanted to believe that it would be okay, but as soon as the Ultrasound begun today, I knew something was wrong. They believe Baby Spears passed last week. As of right now, I still have no signs of miscarrying. With the help of our doctor, we have chosen to allow a natural miscarriage to occur. Although, if we do not miscarry in 2 1/2 weeks, I will have a D&C. (I really don't want that) I wanted to show you the message that I had prepared and the story behind this sweet baby, even though this is not what we expected to be sharing today.

On August 17, 2008 I posted a blog called Joy through Tears. Our pastor told us at Carter's funeral to look for a joy for the tears we have shed since we lost our little boy Carter. Brent and I thought it was such a sweet gift that Carter lived for 1 hr and 21 minutes because Brent was born on 1-21! Well, again that day has become significant in our family again. On Brent's bday (1-21) this year... we found out that we are PREGNANT!!!! We are due October 3rd.


Now we need you to keep praying for us!

* Pray first and foremost for a quick and safe miscarriage.

* Pray for our anxiety (especially Jenna) I am having to battle fear of so much right now as well as a lot of hurt.

* Our doctor has said that we have a lot to be thankful for. There is nothing indicating that I can not have another baby and we can try again as soon as 6 weeks from now.

* Pray for us as we continue to grieve the loss of Carter and now the loss of our second baby

* Pray as we continue to seek out peace. Once again, we cannot trace God's hand, but we trust His heart.

* Pray that this is the last deposit that we make in heaven as far as the Spears children.

Brent and I both so desperately desire to be Godly parents. We want so much to have children of our own. In fact we both feel called to be parents. Right now, we are hurt, confused, mad and sad that we are having to walk this journey again. This is so different than the loss we experienced with Carter. But at the same time the pain is so similar and disappointment is so familiar to us. Some times it is so hard to really walk out the faith we have in Lord. At the same time, I know that He loves us so much and wants to bless us. We will, no matter what trust Him, even when it hurts!!

Stinkin Computer

I have held out long enough, but my stinkin computer could not keep up!! A little computer history for me is that I got my first laptop while I was in seminary. I was great at the time. I was blessed enough to get the extra warranty in case anything happened. Well it happened three times. Best Buy says after three visits to the service department, you got yourself a lemon. When you get a lemon, Best Buy makes a little lemonade and will give you a new computer. So I walked out with a new computer three years ago. Since then, my new computer drinks its own battery, it often shuts itself off, (when i am in the middle of something important) and finally the latest the powercord finally quit. My good friends husband fixed the cord for me once, but the stinkin computer won again. So, now I am stuck using my hubbies computer until the cord comes in. My new battery has already arrived (half charged), but of course the computer cord will not be here until Monday!! Goodness! So maybe by Monday I will be online with my own stuff again!

We are about to embark on once again a busy time in our lives. Baseball is starting tomorrow. Basketball is not finished yet (of course these are the two teams that Brent is coaching). This weekend we are so excited to have two different families to join us for dinner on Saturday and lunch on Sunday. It's just neat to be able to get together with good friends. Then we will begin another BIG week with lots and lots going on! I look forward to sharing more with my blog friends on our events of next week! God is doing so much with Brent and I both in so many areas of our lives! (if I only had my own stinkin computer working right!)

Valentine Day

My husband sent me this message today. It was taken from today's Our Daily Bread. I thought it was so appropriate! Happy Valentine Day!

Like many people, I enjoy the Google homepage artwork that appears on special days and holidays. Last Valentine’s Day, the artistic logo showed an older couple—a man with a cane and a white-haired woman—walking hand in hand as the woman held two heart-shaped balloons. It was a beautiful reminder that while our culture glorifies youthful romance, true love has many stages during our journey through life.

Paul’s great essay in 1 Corinthians 13 celebrates the depth and tenacity of the love that carries us beyond self-interest and mere affection. “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails” (vv.4-8).

Brian Wren has captured this reality in his moving hymn, “When Love Is Found”:

When love is tried as loved ones change,
Hold still to hope though all seems strange,
Till ease returns, and love grows wise
Through listening ears and opened eyes.
© Hope Publishing Co.

When our commitments are tested in the fires of life, no matter what difficulties we face, may God grant us a greater experience of His enduring love and the grace to demonstrate it each day. — David C. McCasland

God’s love is a fabric that never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the waters of adversity.

What would you do?

Brent and I had this "discussion" last night about a situation that happened to me yesterday. So, in order to help us out, we would like all of you (blog stalkers and blog followers alike) to give us a hand by responding to tell us what you would do!

I went to the Verizon Store to have a new phone activated. The nice lady (yet slightly intimidating) was helping me remove the back off of the phone. She had to go into the back room in order to get additional assistance. When she returned (15 minutes later...) she returned to her seat behind the counter. I couldn't help to notice the change that had occurred while she was gone. When she returned her black dress pants now had a very LARGE tear in the frontal area!!! I can share with you that she was wearing orange undergarments, if you get my drift! I didn't know what to do. I thought about the options: of writing her a note, telling her outright, praying that a co-worker would have more guts than I did or ignorning the situation. What made it more challenging, was there were several men standing behind her that appeared to be from "corporate" and watching her, etc. I said nothing to her.

Brent believes that it was my human duty to tell her about her dilemma!!Brent said that he was in that position while working at a bank during seminary. A customer had his "fly open" and Brent took the writing a note approach and received a very welcoming response from the gentleman...something about "man code".

For the record, this situation happened to me TWICE, where I was the victim. I had a skirt that torn down the back once in a resturant, where no one told me what happened. I returned the skirt, since it was brand new, and less than a year after the first event, it happened again after leaving Sunday School one Sunday. Again, no one shared with me what had happened. I would have liked to think that maybe no one noticed!!! (My husband did tell me both times once we got in the car to go home.)

SO, WHAT WOULD YOU DO??? Leave us your comments.

Dancing in the Rain

Really, am I still learning the same lessons again again and again?? I found myself this weekend full of anxiety and the struggle to breathe another breath again. I get so overwhelmed some days full of grief, worry, stress and hurts, that I can hardly breathe. (not great for a therapist to go through this is it?) So, Brent and I thought we would take the "day off." It was wonderful. We went on a LONG drive to North GA, we of course took Wrigs with us, and just spent time looking at the trees, feeling the cool air (it was in the 60's this weekend) and looking at the awesome mountain view. After such a relaxing day, I had big hopes of sleeping without any problems on Saturday night. But as I crawled into bed, the overwhelming stress feeling was coming back strong. So I did the only thing left (which should had been the first thing I tried) I wrote scripture after scripture in my journey about worry and anxiety. IT WORKED!! That is as long as I was asleep. When I woke up Sunday, the anxious nervous depression was back again. I went to church and as our pastor was preaching I was looking back in my journal (the one I keep of our sermons at church) to see what God has taught me this year. (not that his sermon wasn't awsome, but I knew that I needed to look back in order to move forward. There is was! The statement that helped me move forward just a few months ago. Dr. Cox had preached that Sunday about the storms of life (boy can we relate). He made this great quote saying, "When God allows Storms in our life, Ask him to teach you to dance in the rain." It's funny to me that the bible Study I am doing is all about dancing and now here the quote that helped me again was about dancing. I don't think that my anxiousness will just pass without me knowing it, but I think if I can change my focus, that will help me see the difference. In fact as life changes, when/if we have another baby, when have to move to a new house (one day we hope), or when we buy another car or just when life happens, the anxious spirit will return. But I feel like if I can get down these dancing steps, I will begin to really move towards that point of lessons learned from the Lord. That is my heart desire. I want to grow into a women of righteous confidence. I was to mature in the Lord and look like some of the ladies that I watch from a far that even when they go through the storms, I watch them dance in God's goodness through it all!! So friends... here I go off to my dancing lessons!!!

The Many Faces of A Football Fan

I love watching football with my husband. NOT because I love watching football, just laughing at my husband and all of his excitement. This was a crazy football watching year for him. He is a graduate of Texas Tech (GO RED RAIDERS). They went further this year than any year that I can remember, or at least since we have been married, (told you I didn't know football). There were many close games this year that caused my husband to yell at the TV, jump up and down yelling at the TV as if they could hear him, running up and down our stairs after a miraculous play or when Michael Crabtree caught the ball with 2 or 3 seconds left on the clock and made a touchdown to win the game against Texas! I was upstairs on our bed watching TV during that game, when I heard Brent scream and run as fast as he could up our stairs. He missed most of the stairs!!! It was so funny and almost gave me a heart attack. I wish I had the video camera out on that night. Brent has some favorite football teams that he is faithful to cheer for. He loves the Saints and of course Texas Tech. But normally, he is the guy that goes for the underdogs. So of course, last night he was a Cardinal fan. Which caused conflict for sure. My cousin Brian is a big Steelers fan! Last year, as you remeber, the Giants played the Patriots. Brent hates the Patriots. My yankee family are ALL very BIG Patriot fans. When the Giants won, Brent raced around our first floor running as fast as he could. He reminded me of Wrigley when she gets too much energy and races around and around in circles! It was so funny. He made me laugh during the whole game. I thought that I would share with you all what I get to see in my house each week during the fall and winter! Only 6 more months until it starts all over again!

Acting Calm during the Halftime

The Cards coming close to making a great play!

The Cards Tackle Ben Roethlisberger

Cards TOUCHDOWN!!! GO FITZGERALD (Brent has just run down the stairs here!)

Brent talking to his friend Dave trying to explain to each other what needs to happen for the Cards to win

Accepting Defeat!

Wrigley was very into the game!

Sweet Boy

Brent and I had a Spears family day on Saturday. Since it was the first day of the month, we spent the day shopping, shopping and more shopping. Brent takes me to lunch and helps me do my big Costco run and Walmart shopping trip one Saturday each month! It's great. He brings in the food and I put it away. WIN - WIN!! We then ran over to Home Depot to make some exchanges and get the supplies to nail down, yet another project on our to do list!! YEAH US! We also ran over to see Carter. This was the first time Brent was able to see Carter's marker. We brought Wrigley with us and just enjoyed some special time as a family. The day wasn't sad. Our visit wasn't even sad. We are both still so grieved over Carter's death, but the placement of the marker was yet another reminder of God's great plan in our lives. We pray even through a simple marker, that God will our little sweet boy's life to minister to other families that visit their loved ones at the same cemetery Carter is buried. Brent and I spent a few minutes walking down to see the bench and grave site for a special friend of ours from the first church we attended when we first moved to GA. As we walked around, we were reminded of how many other people have buried their children, fathers, mothers, wives, husbands... in this same cemetery with no hope. I am always amazed at the little toys and special reminders that people leave on their loved ones earthly resting place that seemed important to them. Things like toy cars, pictures of accomplishments they completed while on earth, alcoholic drinks, packs of cigarettes. It blows me away and makes me so sad. It's that moment that makes me want to stop and bow before the Lord and just throw my hands up in praise. God thank you for hope. Thank you for the legacy of my baby that lived just an hour and 21 minutes, but yet changed my life in that time. He reminded me of your goodness, the importance of prayer, and makes me desire to be more like you each day. I look forward to the day I can be in glory and see my sweet boy again! I pray that even in the middle of a place of sadness like the cemetery, God will use us to share His love to others who need to hear hope!! Thank you Lord for yet another reason to Praise you in the Storms!

One Blue Flower for our Sweet Boy

Closure

I know this sounds strange, but I am so excited that we finally got our marker in and put into the ground. It has been so tough going to visit Carter only to see a patch of grass. I have already been by to see the marker and Brent and I plan to go tomorrow. I will take pictures post them. I feel like finally this nightmare is coming closer to an end. Although, we still have a TON of issues left with medical bills and hospital issues, it will be nice to feel like we have some peace and more to look forward too. We know that the Lord has big things in store for us again. I can finally say, that I do feel like "dancing again." Look the next couple of days for more pictures on Carter.

Post 101 - Bitterness Dancing

I can't believe I missed the fact that we have posted 100 posts! WOW! So here on post 101, I really don't have a ton to say right now. The last few weeks have been a little tough. Lot's going on. I have been taking this great bible study on Thursday's called "When Wallflower's Dance." It's great. It's all about learning how to "dance again". Learning how to be a women of confidence and all that God wants from me as a women. This week, my bible study has been talking about bitterness. I really didn't know how much bitterness I have held onto and deal with until I began to ask the Lord to reveal it to me. I had asked my girls ( through tears) to pray for my heart. I was getting so discouraged that I was letting jealousy fester in my heart each time I heard someone announce they were having a baby, or when friends would talk about what a great pregnancy they were having, or when sweet perfect babies were being born. Each time, I would desire to feel so good about it, but just wanted to scream and yell how unfair life was! After spending the last two nights really learning and studying about bitterness, I saw how I was killing my heart and dying inside over this. It became more clear to me why I was depressed, crying, sad and just not motivated to do all that I needed to do on a day to day basis. Isn't it so good when the Lord shows us what is eating our hearts. I know I mess up. I know that I don't always love the way I should. I want to grow and learn how to love the way Jesus loves. I tease Brent how he always finds the good in the worse of people. He will defend ANYONE no matter how hurt he feels by that person. He is always the one reminding me that when I feel someone is insensitive or being hurtful or selfish, to look from their point of view/shoes. Hurting-wounded people - hurt people, there is a reason to their behavior. I have to admit, that it has been freeing to be able to let go a lot of the bitterness I have stored up in my own heart. I was sure over the past few weeks that I would never be able to feel whole again. I was beginning to feel like I was back on the day Carter died. I was afraid I would forever have a hard time making rational choices. That was one of the hardest things for both of us after we lost Carter. There were days that we could not think rationally. We found ourselves repeating stories to people again and again. We found ourselves forgetting things that were normally second nature to us both. We soon learned, after attending a conference last fall, that we both were operating "In the Grip." It's that time in life when you are so stressed that you are not acting yourself. I feel like we both are getting back to being ourselves again. Finally, I am starting to DANCE!!!! I am ready to get my groove on. Come dance with me! God has good things in store for our lives.

Compliment (maybe)

Brent and I have been taking a deep water aerobic class at our local indoor pool. Don't be impressed, we just started last week and this is only our 4th class. In four classes we have had four instructors. Each lady teaches differently and you never do the same exercises twice it seems like. Tonight after class, the instructor asked Brent if he was taking the class because of any injury (what she was implying was that he must be a serious athlete and was taking this class since he was injured and can only do this!) I told him (being funny) she must have missed your little gut so she would have realized that you were doing this to get rid of that! I do have to admit that out of most the people in the class, especially of the men, Brent is one of the much smaller guys! I can see how he could be mistaken for a "serious athlete!" Right now, we both are praying that we just live to see tomorrow after these tough workouts!!!