Good, Just Good

I have been meaning to update this since last week, but just couldn't find the right words to share. First, God really blessed us so much by allowing me on Tuesday evening to have a miscarriage at home. Although... I must confess that, giving birth to Carter and miscarrying this baby both HURT about the same amount!! (maybe a small exaggeration but not to far off). I never thought about getting an epidural before, but Tuesday night I was looking for the epidural man to come and give me some help!! (I was not able to find such a person in my house, so motrin, heat and lot's of prayer had to do!!) Although it was a great relief and Brent and I are both glad to be done with that part of this journey, I find myself nervous about getting pregnant again. There is nothing I want more than to be pregnant and have a sweet baby that looks just like my sweet husband and a little like me! But, this emotional pain that we are having to go through as well as just the fear of this happening again and again and again.... makes me question this whole process. Then I am reminded of how Good the Lord really is and that if we are supposed to have a sweet baby God will provide that. I have been reading and memorizing the verse from Psalms 37:4. If we delight in the Lord, He WILL give us the desires of our heart. This is our hearts desire and we feel called to have children. We are not ready to give up yet (although I am feeling like an elephant. Did you know they are pregnant for 23 months before they have their babies!!!) Although total I have only been pregnant for 8 months (almost 6 months the first time and 10 weeks this time) it still sort of feels like a year. In 2008 we found out that we were pregnant the first week of April. As we end this pregnancy in the first week of March our doctor says that we could be pregnant as soon as 4 to 6 weeks from now!! So we will be right back to the same dates that we were pregnant last year.

I say all of this to say: When I look and think about this situation with my human ears and my fleshly understanding of life, I think... This isn't fair. There are so many teenage girls who get pregnant that are not married, do drugs and could care less about having a child. Or how many times have I had to counsel a women who have had an abortion (I meet a lady once who had 5 abortions by the time she was a freshman in college!! Can you imagine.) BUT... I am reminded again about what fairness is in the eyes of the Lord. It isn't fair that God allows me to serve Him. It isn't fair that God would allow me to enter into His holy presence and live with Him for eternity! That is not fair. All of the challenges in life that we are experiencing, really are just more chance for us to praise the Lord in all times!

It brings me back to the blog that I talked about last month. When we enter into the storms in our lives, that is when we need to ask the Lord to teach us how to Dance in the Rain. I thought I knew how to dance. In fact I felt sure that I was dancing! But here I am, grabbing my dancing shoes again and getting my groove on ... again as I wait my turn. I am waiting for God to call me my name when it is SHOW TIME. It is amazing that God is always on time. Even when we don't realize what a bible study is all about, or a quote that someone shares with us or even a sermon that we may walk away from thinking how does that apply to me? It is usually a few days later that we look back and say, I got it! This is what that was for. The Angela Thomas Bible Study I took was just that for me. I thought my time of waiting was over (since I knew I was pregnant during that study), but here I am waiting again. I am determined this time to dance during this storm instead of jumping into the hole of darkness that seemed to surround me last fall. My turn WILL COME!! I AM SURE OF THAT!!! So I say it again.... LET'S DANCE!!