Another day at the doctors with more good news. This is such an up and down process that we never know what to expect. The cardiologist said today that he was very impressed with Avery's heart and especially after reading our chart that he doesn't see the fluid around her heart (he assured us he was one of the best in the field and that he was sure of what he saw! He was the funniest man.) He also assured us that she has a very strong heart. His only concern was that she may have a small hole in between the chambers of the heart called VSD or Ventricular Septal Defect. Because Avery tends to move a ton during her sonograms he was only able to see the hole half of the time and didn't see it the other half. So he didn't feel confident that it was even a problem. He asked us to come back again in 4 weeks when she has less wiggle room! LOL. So besides being beat up with the ultrasound probe and that my husband and the nurse and doctor got to see the BEST pictures of Avery today and I didn't see anything (I had to lay on my left side away from the machine for the best view) they feel good about her heart and believe that she is in the clear. If by chance she does have VSD he said that she would have open heart surgery between 6 months and a year of age. He also assured us that the success rate with that surgery is 99%.
We just continued to be amazed at all that happens each week on this journey! I know for sure God is not done writing Avery's story. In fact He has just begun. And I am so proud to be her Mama! How can I help it. Both of my babies stories look like big storms and yet they are really just amazing testimonies for a great Savior!
I know that we are not out of the woods yet. In fact, we still have more hurdles to face. But... for one whole week, we don't have a single doctor's appointment. And for just one day, we have been given more hope for the future of our sweet girl. It's been such a time of trial and emotion for us. During the midst of this pregnancy, one of my sweetest friends here in GA who's children I am in LOVE with, because they wanted us to become pregnant as much as we did!! So to find out that a few weeks before Avery is due, our friends the Walkers are moving to TN has been a heart break, but again, the Lord's plan for their lives. I told my friend Julie tonight that I can't wait for Avery to be here already, but I know that means that she will have moved already!! I know that sounds silly, but again not the exact plan I had for how this would go. Glad to know 2 hrs is close enough for me to run up for a visit and that all 5 of her kids can't wait to have Avery visit "a lot!"
I have been doing a bible study on Jonah talking about "Divine Interruptions." I have to remind myself each week that it's not about me or my plans. I know for a fact that good news today doesn't mean a guarantee tomorrow. But then again no one has a planned tomorrow. So for today we celebrate and wait to see what comes tomorrow. We take the nice "week off from drs." Our next visit is to the OB for a regular visit (as if I ever have that! and to the specialist the 31st for another anatomy scan.)
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Avery
Since the last time I posted, we have been to the doctor weekly! Each week comes with nerves and a lot of anxiety because we never know what to expect. Just one week after our appointment when we were so excited to see the hydrops disappear, we found out that the hydrops are still there. In fact our specialist shared with us that hydrops means two or more areas on the body of the baby that has fluid. Just because one day there wasn't fluid evident in the heart doesn't mean it won't return the next day. So what we saw as a miracle isn't what we had expected. ALTHOUGH... we still have much hope for our sweet girl. We are going to a cardiologist tomorrow to see her heart. There is a concern with a cystic hydroma's that there can be a problem with the heart of the baby. We are hopeful that Avery's will be the exception.
Thanks for the continued prayers for us and Avery. We know that God continues to work in the life of our family. Of course this is never the path we would have chosen in order to have children, but we continued to be amazed at all the Lord is teaching us during this journey. The lessons and picture of His love and grace continues to overwhelm us. Each day is not easy and there have been plenty of moments when I especially am ready to throw in the towel. Not giving up, but just moments when I just want to hide and really am tempted to ask why. I think unless you walk through a journey like this, it's hard to understand the anxiousness that comes with it all. I laugh each week when my blood pressure is taken and each new nurse says "oh my your blood pressure is so high!" One week the doctor was ready to send me to the ER because she was sure I was ready to have a stroke. I ask them to wait until the end of the appointment and try it again. They are all so amazed at the BIG difference! But they always understand it's a lot to take in and how nerves and the "white coat" can get me each time!
I will update more after our appointment tomorrow.
Thanks for the continued prayers for us and Avery. We know that God continues to work in the life of our family. Of course this is never the path we would have chosen in order to have children, but we continued to be amazed at all the Lord is teaching us during this journey. The lessons and picture of His love and grace continues to overwhelm us. Each day is not easy and there have been plenty of moments when I especially am ready to throw in the towel. Not giving up, but just moments when I just want to hide and really am tempted to ask why. I think unless you walk through a journey like this, it's hard to understand the anxiousness that comes with it all. I laugh each week when my blood pressure is taken and each new nurse says "oh my your blood pressure is so high!" One week the doctor was ready to send me to the ER because she was sure I was ready to have a stroke. I ask them to wait until the end of the appointment and try it again. They are all so amazed at the BIG difference! But they always understand it's a lot to take in and how nerves and the "white coat" can get me each time!
I will update more after our appointment tomorrow.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Quick update on Avery
Here is just a quick update on our most recent appointment. During our last dr. visit, we had our normal sonogram to make sure the baby still had a heart beat. The sonogram tech is so amazing. She wanted to confirm that she had given up a correct prediction of the sex of the baby during the last appointment. So she spent a little extra time looking around to see if she was correct. By the way she was: IT'S A GIRL!!!! During our last ultrasound, the same tech had told us the fetal hydrops and hydroma was measuring about 4 cm. To her and our surprise, during this scan, the fetal hydrops we all gone in the heart, lungs and the belly! All three of us were shocked. To asked the other tech to give us a second sonogram to make sure she was right about it being a girl, and to look at the hydrops again. The second tech actually worked with our specialist for many years and has a great idea at what she was seeing. She confirmed that their was no fluid in the heart, lungs and just a drop in the belly. She also said the hydroma on the head was only measuring about 1 cm to 1.5 cm. There are a few explanations for the smaller hydroma, but the hydrops were are a miracle. We go back to the specialist this week to find out more information. We are hopeful and know that the Lord is answering our prayers!
So here SHE is (sucking her thumb): Miss. Avery Grayce Spears.
So here SHE is (sucking her thumb): Miss. Avery Grayce Spears.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Clinging to Grace and Hope
I am sorry I have not been better at updating my blog. To be honest, I have been weary and still trying to get my mind around all of this going on! Each day sets in more frustration and hurtful and yet we are clinging to whatever Hope we can. It's amazing that we have so many praying for us when we can't pray for ourselves. We have so many with Hope when we feel like giving up.
We had to make a very hard decision this week to seek out a new OB. It was an awesome decision. We love our new doctor. She appears to be Godly women that told us she doesn't hope for a miracle but she expects a miracle! So do we. She gave us so much to hope for during our appointment. We both walked out with renewed strength. At the same time, when I take a second to process all that is going on, I still feel so overwhelmed and trying to hold on to the edge of the cliff before I fall into the sea.
If you look online the condition our little has, all the facts point to 99 to 100% fatal condition. The baby has two conditions. It's called Cystic Hydroma with fetal hydrops. Basically is it fluid on the back of the head and neck as well as surrounding the whole body. On top of that my placenta has attached very low which means no excessive movements, no working out or any other excessive moving around. Right now our first concern is the placenta then its the fluids. But really I am just nervous and overwhelmed by it all. It felt so great today to celebrate with friends to news of renewed hope. But in the quiet moments of life, I can't help but dwell on the possible reality of what the future may hold. Still trying to grasp all the God is trying to teach us since our journey began in 2008. One thing for sure He is showing me is what I read the other day in from devotion.
I am with you, and FOR YOU! You face NOTHING along - NOTHING!!!! When you feel anxious, know that your are focusing on the visible world and leaving Me out of the picture. The remedy is simple: Fix your eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. Verbalize your trust in me, Living One who sees you always. I will get you safely through this day and all your days. But you can find ME only in the present. Each day is a precious gift from My Father. How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today's is set before you! Receive today's gift gratefully unwrapping it tenderly and delving into its depths. As you savor this gift, you find Me. - Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.
So what can you all do? Pray pray pray!
1. Pray for complete healing of the hydrops and hydroma
2. Pray for Hope for Brent and I
3. Pray for knowledge and protection for our dr.
4. Pray for us financially as we both have to work and that is become harder for me. Also we are finally coming out from under all we went through with Carter and finishing paying off all that cost and now we starting all over again.
5. Pray for us to be patient with each other as we process all that is going on.
6. Last pray for our little one's life and the testimony and purpose the Lord has on it's life.
We had to make a very hard decision this week to seek out a new OB. It was an awesome decision. We love our new doctor. She appears to be Godly women that told us she doesn't hope for a miracle but she expects a miracle! So do we. She gave us so much to hope for during our appointment. We both walked out with renewed strength. At the same time, when I take a second to process all that is going on, I still feel so overwhelmed and trying to hold on to the edge of the cliff before I fall into the sea.
If you look online the condition our little has, all the facts point to 99 to 100% fatal condition. The baby has two conditions. It's called Cystic Hydroma with fetal hydrops. Basically is it fluid on the back of the head and neck as well as surrounding the whole body. On top of that my placenta has attached very low which means no excessive movements, no working out or any other excessive moving around. Right now our first concern is the placenta then its the fluids. But really I am just nervous and overwhelmed by it all. It felt so great today to celebrate with friends to news of renewed hope. But in the quiet moments of life, I can't help but dwell on the possible reality of what the future may hold. Still trying to grasp all the God is trying to teach us since our journey began in 2008. One thing for sure He is showing me is what I read the other day in from devotion.
I am with you, and FOR YOU! You face NOTHING along - NOTHING!!!! When you feel anxious, know that your are focusing on the visible world and leaving Me out of the picture. The remedy is simple: Fix your eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. Verbalize your trust in me, Living One who sees you always. I will get you safely through this day and all your days. But you can find ME only in the present. Each day is a precious gift from My Father. How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today's is set before you! Receive today's gift gratefully unwrapping it tenderly and delving into its depths. As you savor this gift, you find Me. - Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.
So what can you all do? Pray pray pray!
1. Pray for complete healing of the hydrops and hydroma
2. Pray for Hope for Brent and I
3. Pray for knowledge and protection for our dr.
4. Pray for us financially as we both have to work and that is become harder for me. Also we are finally coming out from under all we went through with Carter and finishing paying off all that cost and now we starting all over again.
5. Pray for us to be patient with each other as we process all that is going on.
6. Last pray for our little one's life and the testimony and purpose the Lord has on it's life.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Need a miracle
So my great intentions of blogging more often have once again been disrupted. I had been so excited to finally share that we had FINALLY gotten pregnant again and FINALLY made it past the first trimester and THEN.....we arrive to today. I sent out this message to several friends on facebook today. This is our need of prayer and miracle from God.
"We found out yesterday that this baby has significant fluid around it's body and it's looking like we will lose the baby at some point (maybe soon but could be as late as full term). If the baby doesn't die in the womb then it will be born as a dwarf with either noonan or turner syndrome. Both of those syndrome carry some pretty big health issues such a heart issues and other issues we have not explored yet, because we just can't go there today. There are no other safe test that we can do at this moment so we have made the choice to wait it out and see what God does. We have heard of stories of complete healing and having perfectly normal babies. Even with the prognosis as bad as ours (fluid around the back of the neck means down syndrome. Normal downs kids have 2mm of fluid. This baby has 10 - 12 mm of fluid from the neck to the bottom of the spine and then on top of the belly). We just pray that God will either heal this baby, or take this baby fast or allow us to go full term and have the baby live after delivery and we will love it no matter the challenges. Just don't want to lose this little one later and have to go through all that we went through with Carter again. "
I told Brent last night that I know I can't demand anything from the Lord and that I don't deserve anything from Him either. But my struggle for today is trying not to have the mindset that He owes us this baby and He owes me this baby the way He provides babies all over the world as "perfect health." Our hearts are confused and hurt. But we are clinging to the fact that God has our best intentions for our lives and never promised us easy journeys. We will walk just a day at a time and pray and believe that He can and will heal this baby.
Thanks in advance for all encouragement and prayer. We are boldly asking everyone we know and don't know to intercede for us and pray for healing and a miracle. We are both in shock and overwhelmed right now but surrounded by amazing people who have wrapped us up already and loved us more than we deserve. Thanks for being willing to love us, pray for us and encourage us. We are so very blessed. We just trust the Lord's heart even when we can't trace His hand.
Brent, Jenna and Baby Spears
"We found out yesterday that this baby has significant fluid around it's body and it's looking like we will lose the baby at some point (maybe soon but could be as late as full term). If the baby doesn't die in the womb then it will be born as a dwarf with either noonan or turner syndrome. Both of those syndrome carry some pretty big health issues such a heart issues and other issues we have not explored yet, because we just can't go there today. There are no other safe test that we can do at this moment so we have made the choice to wait it out and see what God does. We have heard of stories of complete healing and having perfectly normal babies. Even with the prognosis as bad as ours (fluid around the back of the neck means down syndrome. Normal downs kids have 2mm of fluid. This baby has 10 - 12 mm of fluid from the neck to the bottom of the spine and then on top of the belly). We just pray that God will either heal this baby, or take this baby fast or allow us to go full term and have the baby live after delivery and we will love it no matter the challenges. Just don't want to lose this little one later and have to go through all that we went through with Carter again. "
I told Brent last night that I know I can't demand anything from the Lord and that I don't deserve anything from Him either. But my struggle for today is trying not to have the mindset that He owes us this baby and He owes me this baby the way He provides babies all over the world as "perfect health." Our hearts are confused and hurt. But we are clinging to the fact that God has our best intentions for our lives and never promised us easy journeys. We will walk just a day at a time and pray and believe that He can and will heal this baby.
Thanks in advance for all encouragement and prayer. We are boldly asking everyone we know and don't know to intercede for us and pray for healing and a miracle. We are both in shock and overwhelmed right now but surrounded by amazing people who have wrapped us up already and loved us more than we deserve. Thanks for being willing to love us, pray for us and encourage us. We are so very blessed. We just trust the Lord's heart even when we can't trace His hand.
Brent, Jenna and Baby Spears
Monday, December 27, 2010
Looking for something new for 2011
My plan is to update this blog and do a little redesign before 2011 gets started. Be looking for changes, updates on the Spears and all that we have been up to!
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
Perfect
I have had so much on my plate in the last few weeks. But, I need more. We have been praying about ways to increase the amount of clients that I see each day, so that we can get even more serious about being debt free. We have also been talking a lot about just the frustration and pain each month that goes by that we are still not pregnant. But again, the cost of going to a specialist and starting that process is overwhelming. For me, it has been almost an obsession for me the last few days. Then last night, it was like the Lord just spoke out loud to me!! I couldn't help sobbing. As my husband lay in bed watching the football game on TV, I opened up my devotional book. I had to read it out loud because of how perfect it was for Brent and I. Of course, I couldn't even get half the words out through my tears, but the message penetrated my heart for sure. I have been reading a book by Sarah Young and Sept 6th says: (the Lord is talking)
DO EVERYTHING IN DEPENDENCE ON ME. The desire to act independently-apart from Me - springs from the root of pride. Self-sufficiency is subtle, insinuating its way into your thoughts and actions without your realizing it. But apart from ME YOU CAN DO Nothing that is, nothing of eternal value. My deepest desire for you is that you learn to depend on Me in EVERY SITUATION. I move heaven and earth to accomplish this purpose, but you must collaborate with Me in this training. Teaching you would be simple if I negated your free will or overwhelmed you with My power. However, I love you too much to withdraw the godlike privilege I bestowed on you as My image-bearer. Use your freedom wisely, by relying on ME CONSTANTLY. Thus you enjoy MY PRESENCE and MY PEACE.
What perfect timing that was for me. Isn't it funny, that nothing has changed. I am still not pregnant, we still need to increase our income, I still need a newer car that can get me from place to place, I still need to lose more weight...faster, I still need to make major decisions in our lives about a long list of things that need to be done now... BUT what has changed is that I need to remember to DO EVERYTHING DEPENDING ON HIM! Which free's me up from everything.
DO EVERYTHING IN DEPENDENCE ON ME. The desire to act independently-apart from Me - springs from the root of pride. Self-sufficiency is subtle, insinuating its way into your thoughts and actions without your realizing it. But apart from ME YOU CAN DO Nothing that is, nothing of eternal value. My deepest desire for you is that you learn to depend on Me in EVERY SITUATION. I move heaven and earth to accomplish this purpose, but you must collaborate with Me in this training. Teaching you would be simple if I negated your free will or overwhelmed you with My power. However, I love you too much to withdraw the godlike privilege I bestowed on you as My image-bearer. Use your freedom wisely, by relying on ME CONSTANTLY. Thus you enjoy MY PRESENCE and MY PEACE.
What perfect timing that was for me. Isn't it funny, that nothing has changed. I am still not pregnant, we still need to increase our income, I still need a newer car that can get me from place to place, I still need to lose more weight...faster, I still need to make major decisions in our lives about a long list of things that need to be done now... BUT what has changed is that I need to remember to DO EVERYTHING DEPENDING ON HIM! Which free's me up from everything.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Taking today for what it is
Friday night we had some of our favorite kids spend the night with us before our big tubing trip! As we were putting them all the bed we stopped to pray. I asked the girls if they had anything special to pray about. They both said that they would like to pray what they always pray for at night. So I encouraged them both to pray and that Brent and I would close in prayer. Both girls, as part of their routine, asked God to give "Brent and Jenna a baby!" God continues to teach me so much through children. Even though this waiting process continues to be so hard, I am glad that I am able to stop and learn little life lessons along the way.
I feel like sometimes my life appears to be consumed with the fact that we are having trouble having kids. It makes me feel shallow some times. I know that sounds crazy, but I often feel convicted on the fact that I am always seeking the future. I don't want to live for the future, but for the present. I want to treasure the moments that we have as we finish teaching our 2nd grade Sunday School class. I want to cherish the moments as I pray with a client who is struggling with their salvation or a heavy burden in their life. I want to cherish the moments that I am on the treadmill with special girlfriends just talking about the healthy dinner choice we made last night or the fun evening with our family we had. I want to cherish what God has given me to do today. I want to seek to learn more about the moment He has called me to in the right now. I have said this before, how I can often get ahead of myself and wish my day away. God continues to show me that His grace is enough, for today. So live in today and live it to the fullest!!
I feel like sometimes my life appears to be consumed with the fact that we are having trouble having kids. It makes me feel shallow some times. I know that sounds crazy, but I often feel convicted on the fact that I am always seeking the future. I don't want to live for the future, but for the present. I want to treasure the moments that we have as we finish teaching our 2nd grade Sunday School class. I want to cherish the moments as I pray with a client who is struggling with their salvation or a heavy burden in their life. I want to cherish the moments that I am on the treadmill with special girlfriends just talking about the healthy dinner choice we made last night or the fun evening with our family we had. I want to cherish what God has given me to do today. I want to seek to learn more about the moment He has called me to in the right now. I have said this before, how I can often get ahead of myself and wish my day away. God continues to show me that His grace is enough, for today. So live in today and live it to the fullest!!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Summer
Life is flying by us again. I some how end up thinking back to when... or what would life be like if... The trouble with those statements is that I always get into trouble when I play the what if game. I believe that "if" if was going to happen, then it would have happened. But because of the sovereignty of God, than what is happening in my life now, is part of God's plan and because of that... it is good. I can say that after a 1 year 11 months after losing Carter, or 1 year after losing baby number two, or 6 months after losing baby number three, the pain isn't as fresh each day. I can say that I have more good days than bad days. In fact, I notice the sun shinning more seek out ways to do things that I used to love to do. Before Carter, I LOVED to cook. It brought me joy to cook something new and fun. Since Carter, cooking was a little overwhelming. I could do it, but it didn't have the same excitement as before. THAT excitement is back again. I am finally feeling like me again. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Lord!
I have seeking ways to make better decisions for my life. Brent and I have been working out at the gym since last October. We love it. But, our gym is around the corner from the cemetery. The gym is towered over by the hospital Carter was born and died in. The gym is in an area of town that has a way of making me sad. So I switched locations. As it turned out, my trainer and my best girls friends all go to other location anyway, so it made more sense for us. The drive to the other gym is further from our house, but closer to Brent's work. I honestly don't care about the drive, because getting to sweat and chat with girlfriends is the highlight of my week. Not to mention my friends have the sweetest kids that can just say my name and I melt right into all of their little hands!!!
During a baby dedication at the church the other night, I began to in vision the day when we are able to have a baby and baby dedication service. I started to cry thinking about it. Not so much because I was sad, but more because I became so overwhelmed at how many people are praying for us. Not just saying they are praying, but praying weekly, daily, several times a day for us to have a baby! Not just adults praying, but sweet girls and boys at our church and in our life that are praying! I can't explain to you the feeling that comes from knowing that before your child has even been thought about, there are friends and family members that are begging the Lord on our behalf to bless us with children. That blows me away.
We are so very blessed. Blessed in more ways that I can list (mostly because I will cry before I type the first word!) I can't thank the Lord enough for all He has done in our lives these past three years! We have learned so much and we have grown so much.
The Lord is so so good. I just get excited to be able to share with others all that he has done in our lives, using a sweet little baby born, who weighed a little more than a pound named Carter. In fact I have clients that can't remember my name, but know the name of my son. That is compliment in my book for sure!
I have seeking ways to make better decisions for my life. Brent and I have been working out at the gym since last October. We love it. But, our gym is around the corner from the cemetery. The gym is towered over by the hospital Carter was born and died in. The gym is in an area of town that has a way of making me sad. So I switched locations. As it turned out, my trainer and my best girls friends all go to other location anyway, so it made more sense for us. The drive to the other gym is further from our house, but closer to Brent's work. I honestly don't care about the drive, because getting to sweat and chat with girlfriends is the highlight of my week. Not to mention my friends have the sweetest kids that can just say my name and I melt right into all of their little hands!!!
During a baby dedication at the church the other night, I began to in vision the day when we are able to have a baby and baby dedication service. I started to cry thinking about it. Not so much because I was sad, but more because I became so overwhelmed at how many people are praying for us. Not just saying they are praying, but praying weekly, daily, several times a day for us to have a baby! Not just adults praying, but sweet girls and boys at our church and in our life that are praying! I can't explain to you the feeling that comes from knowing that before your child has even been thought about, there are friends and family members that are begging the Lord on our behalf to bless us with children. That blows me away.
We are so very blessed. Blessed in more ways that I can list (mostly because I will cry before I type the first word!) I can't thank the Lord enough for all He has done in our lives these past three years! We have learned so much and we have grown so much.
The Lord is so so good. I just get excited to be able to share with others all that he has done in our lives, using a sweet little baby born, who weighed a little more than a pound named Carter. In fact I have clients that can't remember my name, but know the name of my son. That is compliment in my book for sure!
Friday, June 04, 2010
God uses it all
Tomorrow we are going to attend the funeral of a 2 1/2 month old little baby boy from our church that fell asleep this week in his home, and woke up in the arms of the Lord. I can feel the pain of this family, as we sat in the same seat this family will sit in almost 2 years ago. It's so tough to imagine that any one else has to walk through the same experience that we walked and continue to walk. But, the incredible thing about the Lord is how he allows me - us- believers to use what may appear to be the terrible life events for His good. I am confident that tomorrow I will be able to pray for this family understanding the sick feeling in the pit of their stomachs knowing what that day means. I feel as if I will be able to look that mother in the eyes and let you know that through a different situation, I know what it's like to have your child live in the arms of Jesus instead of our own arms. I continue to pray that God will use Carter's life and what I have learned through these past two years to help others. I can see how once again, God is uses it all. The ugly head of death of a baby, the pain and sorrow of grief, and the torment of waiting for the day when healing will come of our hearts - ultimately the day when we see Jesus. And as parents of a child that is already with Jesus, we can understand that longing to see the face of Christ and our baby again. As you read this, please take a second to pray for this family and the journey they have ahead of them. Pray for them as God will change their lives and grow them as He has done in our lives these past two years.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Summer is almost here
As soon as I think I am about to commit to blog on a more regular basis, life happens. I seem to be running in so many directions some days that the last thing on my mind (really) at night is, oh I forgot to blog about this day.
I guess nothing really over exciting has come up for us in the past few weeks since my last entry. But again, those are always the days that I seem to walk away with the most. A lot of what God has been teaching us through these days of waiting and waiting and waiting, is patience and meaning what we say. Praying for other friends who have loss babies like we have and yet getting the wonderful news that they are now expecting. Having the honor of praying for them and with them and for them helps us with our walk with the Lord and also is encouraging to us that God has a plan for us and we feel like it will include more children.
I proclaimed on this mother's day that this would be the LAST mothers day I would be spend wtihout a child. Isn't so silly how we can make such BIG statements telling God what He needs to do?
Once again, my sweet husband made sure the day was special for me and that I would be reminded that I am a mother. (sometimes you feel a little silly and discouraged on those days when there's nothing to hold on to). Brent always treats me like a princess, and this year was no different.
We both feel like the Lord is preparing us for something and something sooner than later. No idea what that is, but it's just what we keep sensing. As summer approaches, my work often decreases (not sure why summer means less counseling needs)? We hope that we are able to use these days to continue to minister, love on others, and continue the preparation for whatever He has planned. I can tell you this.... I know that part of this plan must have to do with working out at the gym! Or at least I hope so! Brent and I have been working out for months now, and although we both feel better and see changes, the process of getting healthy is tough somedays. Especially days when I tell Brent... nothing will solve this issues, except for a reese's peanut butter cup. So far he has never given in to that temptation.
I guess nothing really over exciting has come up for us in the past few weeks since my last entry. But again, those are always the days that I seem to walk away with the most. A lot of what God has been teaching us through these days of waiting and waiting and waiting, is patience and meaning what we say. Praying for other friends who have loss babies like we have and yet getting the wonderful news that they are now expecting. Having the honor of praying for them and with them and for them helps us with our walk with the Lord and also is encouraging to us that God has a plan for us and we feel like it will include more children.
I proclaimed on this mother's day that this would be the LAST mothers day I would be spend wtihout a child. Isn't so silly how we can make such BIG statements telling God what He needs to do?
Once again, my sweet husband made sure the day was special for me and that I would be reminded that I am a mother. (sometimes you feel a little silly and discouraged on those days when there's nothing to hold on to). Brent always treats me like a princess, and this year was no different.
We both feel like the Lord is preparing us for something and something sooner than later. No idea what that is, but it's just what we keep sensing. As summer approaches, my work often decreases (not sure why summer means less counseling needs)? We hope that we are able to use these days to continue to minister, love on others, and continue the preparation for whatever He has planned. I can tell you this.... I know that part of this plan must have to do with working out at the gym! Or at least I hope so! Brent and I have been working out for months now, and although we both feel better and see changes, the process of getting healthy is tough somedays. Especially days when I tell Brent... nothing will solve this issues, except for a reese's peanut butter cup. So far he has never given in to that temptation.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Before the Morning
I sometimes associate this blog with so much pain. I think that is why often I ignore it or even avoid writing how I feel. There is so much hurt, sorrow, pain, frustration we have daily. But then there is still that hope I deal with on a daily basis. I have a false sense that I need to be strong and just keep plugging away with life to be a witness for others. And there are days that I can do that. Then some days I can't go a few minutes without the tears coming so easy. I feel defeated. I feel hopeless. Not a hopeless as in the Lord has forgotten me and my desires and dreams, but a hopeless that maybe we are supposed to have chidren here on earth. THEN... the next minute I hold onto Psalms 37:4... knowing God will give us the desires of our hearts.
I started the above blog in Feb. and still haven't posted it. But then this week, God showed me something powerful. I seemed to have a running theme with my clients right now. I have seen a lot of hopeless families, couples that are defeated in their marriages, and a lot of people questioning why their life is so frustrating. I would be lying if I said I never had that thought. I started to ask the Lord to really give me a freshness from His Word and to show me His way of seeing life. And of course He did!
If your like me, I often try to do the same things again and again and just hope life turns out different. I began to realize Friday's were really rough days for me. I don't work on Fridays, I usually have very little interactions with friends, I am normally so tired I am just ready to throw in the towel for the week, and feel defeated. I often make things worse by heading to the cemetary which brings me down more. But this week, I made some changes. I worked out with friends today instead of on Monday. I have a list of things that need to be done before tomorrow. Already I feel strength.
On my way home from the gym I heard this song on radio and knew God was speaking to me. It also brought clients and friends to my mind to stop and pray for. It was exactly what I needed. The song is "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson. My favorite line in the whole song is: The Pain that your feeling, CAN'T compare to the joy that's coming!! Isn't that awesome. To think that the pain that God has allowed in my life, or your life if NOTHING compared to the joy we have coming. That gets me so excited. The pain that I am feeling is just the dark before the morning. With morning comes new mercies each day. So I just have to dare to believe. I don't just dare to believe.... I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE!!!! I know I serve a God who knows me, loves me and wants GOOD stuff for me. Thank you Jesus! Praise you Jesus. Thank you Jesus!!
I started the above blog in Feb. and still haven't posted it. But then this week, God showed me something powerful. I seemed to have a running theme with my clients right now. I have seen a lot of hopeless families, couples that are defeated in their marriages, and a lot of people questioning why their life is so frustrating. I would be lying if I said I never had that thought. I started to ask the Lord to really give me a freshness from His Word and to show me His way of seeing life. And of course He did!
If your like me, I often try to do the same things again and again and just hope life turns out different. I began to realize Friday's were really rough days for me. I don't work on Fridays, I usually have very little interactions with friends, I am normally so tired I am just ready to throw in the towel for the week, and feel defeated. I often make things worse by heading to the cemetary which brings me down more. But this week, I made some changes. I worked out with friends today instead of on Monday. I have a list of things that need to be done before tomorrow. Already I feel strength.
On my way home from the gym I heard this song on radio and knew God was speaking to me. It also brought clients and friends to my mind to stop and pray for. It was exactly what I needed. The song is "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson. My favorite line in the whole song is: The Pain that your feeling, CAN'T compare to the joy that's coming!! Isn't that awesome. To think that the pain that God has allowed in my life, or your life if NOTHING compared to the joy we have coming. That gets me so excited. The pain that I am feeling is just the dark before the morning. With morning comes new mercies each day. So I just have to dare to believe. I don't just dare to believe.... I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE!!!! I know I serve a God who knows me, loves me and wants GOOD stuff for me. Thank you Jesus! Praise you Jesus. Thank you Jesus!!
Monday, February 08, 2010
History Made!
New Orleans will always have a special place in our hearts! It is the birth place of my dad (Jenna's dad)...the city we met some of our best friends...the place I (Jenna) first laid eyes on my best friend and husband...the place I had my first official date...the city we got the best education from the best seminary in the US...the city where we met some of the most Godly men and women and mentors...the city that may have looked ugly and dirty on the outside, but is full of some of the neatest people with the neatest stories...a city that was destroyed by hurricane Katrina...and now the city that represents the winners of the Superbowl 2010!! We love our Saints.
Brent and I had such an awesome day celebrating just the fact that the Saints were in the Superbowl. We made and ate some of our favorite foods from a city that is so special in our hearts! We had shrimp po-boys for lunch. Then crawfish corn soup and beignets for dinner (with a little bit of nachos as well. We had to have a little bit of superbowl food in there.) The fact that the Saints won... Lagniappe!!! (it means a little something extra! Another fun Cajun word!)
WE LOVE YOU NEW ORLEANS AND WE LOVE THE SAINTS!!! WHO DAT BABY... WHO DAT!!!!!!! History was made tonight for sure!!!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Hide and Seek
Not even sure what to say right now. I guess I always believe that my blog should be used when I have lots of good stuff happening in my life. But right now... life isn't so much fun. In fact the circumstances of my life really sort of stink. This is when having your own business makes you panic a little. I am blessed that I know the Lord always provides for us. He knows what time of year it is. He knows that January comes after December when we have more to pay for and more expenses go out rather then cash coming in. I know He know that.
I also know that He knew what would happen to this baby. He knew that once again we would experience another loss. He knew that. I am not sure really this purpose of it all. In my weakest moments, I keep feeling like maybe there is something I am not getting. Maybe I am not learning some lesson that I need to learn. I think sometimes I am missing something and until I figure out that aspect of my life then and only then will the Lord bless me with the Desire of my heart.
When we lost Carter I bought all kinds of books in order to deal with the hurt in my heart and in my whole body. It wasn't until the week that I even really sat down and looked at the book. I picked up a devotional companion called "Grieving the Child I never knew." The first chapter - first day... had my name written on the top line. It is called "Hide - And - Seek" I like this game because for me... it helps. I have this idea right now that helping others will somehow make my pain go away. Or at least camouflage it. I feel like there are days that people get tired of all that we are going through. Almost as if to say... isn't two times enough for us to give you support and sympathy. Of course this again is the lie that I tell myself. And maybe there are those that feel that way. Not sure why I feel the need to feel guilty for there frustration!
I myself have learned so much about the process of grief. I learned (as I was reminded by my friend Sally the other day) not to ask people what they need but to make myself available to them.
1. Not to ask if they would like dinner, but to tell them I am bringing dinner over.
2. Not to take it personally if someone is not in the mood to talk or leave the house... to go at their pace.
3. Not to say let me know if there is anything I can do... but look for ways I can serve. Tell them I will be over to clean there house, or wash their clothes or watch their child while they are resting or going to a dr. appointment.
There are so many other lessons that I am learning this third time around. I believe the way I minister and counsel is changing too. I sometimes think I could have read this in a book or watched someone else go through this and still learned the same thing... but I guess that is me lying to myself.
I Peter 4:12 says "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as through something strange were happening to you." This just says to me... Jenna your not crazy and that trails and storms will come. How will I face them.
Each time we suffer a loss, Brent and I have noticed that there are themes. Carter the theme verse was "your grace is sufficient." And was it ever! The last time it seemed for me to be "Be still and know that I am God." This time it is one of my favorite verses that comes up again and again: Psalms 37:4: If you delight yourself in the Lord HE WILL give you the desires of your heart."
Lord my desire is to have my own children to raise to be children who are sold out for you! I desire to delight myself in you. I desire to make my desires your desires. Even in my hurt, sadness, anger and pain... I don't want to run away and hide... I want to grow and seek you!
I also know that He knew what would happen to this baby. He knew that once again we would experience another loss. He knew that. I am not sure really this purpose of it all. In my weakest moments, I keep feeling like maybe there is something I am not getting. Maybe I am not learning some lesson that I need to learn. I think sometimes I am missing something and until I figure out that aspect of my life then and only then will the Lord bless me with the Desire of my heart.
When we lost Carter I bought all kinds of books in order to deal with the hurt in my heart and in my whole body. It wasn't until the week that I even really sat down and looked at the book. I picked up a devotional companion called "Grieving the Child I never knew." The first chapter - first day... had my name written on the top line. It is called "Hide - And - Seek" I like this game because for me... it helps. I have this idea right now that helping others will somehow make my pain go away. Or at least camouflage it. I feel like there are days that people get tired of all that we are going through. Almost as if to say... isn't two times enough for us to give you support and sympathy. Of course this again is the lie that I tell myself. And maybe there are those that feel that way. Not sure why I feel the need to feel guilty for there frustration!
I myself have learned so much about the process of grief. I learned (as I was reminded by my friend Sally the other day) not to ask people what they need but to make myself available to them.
1. Not to ask if they would like dinner, but to tell them I am bringing dinner over.
2. Not to take it personally if someone is not in the mood to talk or leave the house... to go at their pace.
3. Not to say let me know if there is anything I can do... but look for ways I can serve. Tell them I will be over to clean there house, or wash their clothes or watch their child while they are resting or going to a dr. appointment.
There are so many other lessons that I am learning this third time around. I believe the way I minister and counsel is changing too. I sometimes think I could have read this in a book or watched someone else go through this and still learned the same thing... but I guess that is me lying to myself.
I Peter 4:12 says "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as through something strange were happening to you." This just says to me... Jenna your not crazy and that trails and storms will come. How will I face them.
Each time we suffer a loss, Brent and I have noticed that there are themes. Carter the theme verse was "your grace is sufficient." And was it ever! The last time it seemed for me to be "Be still and know that I am God." This time it is one of my favorite verses that comes up again and again: Psalms 37:4: If you delight yourself in the Lord HE WILL give you the desires of your heart."
Lord my desire is to have my own children to raise to be children who are sold out for you! I desire to delight myself in you. I desire to make my desires your desires. Even in my hurt, sadness, anger and pain... I don't want to run away and hide... I want to grow and seek you!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
And Again
I had just fussed at myself last week for not keeping up with this blog. But in a way I was scared to write. Today my fears were confirmed. At 6 weeks and 6 days we saw the beautiful beating heart of our sweet baby. Today at 9 weeks and 5 days, we were told that once again our baby fell asleep in my womb and woke in the arms of Jesus. We believe the baby passed on Sunday, as that is the first day I stopped having some of the intense pregnancy symptoms. We will never know. We were able to see that this baby had a genetic issue that caused the baby to stop growing. That in a strange way brings comfort to Brent and I as we worry that as we are getting older that there is something wrong with us causing us to not be able to carry a baby to full term. Our doctor confirmed today, as they did the last time, that this just happens. There is nothing that we did and nothing that we can do.
I really really want to be strong and quote some incredible words of scripture. But right now, I am so confused and just really really mad that I am taking comfort in the fact that the Lord loves us and on our behalf family and friends are praying. We have again chosen to wait at home until the baby miscarries. We will again wait until the Lord allows us to get pregnant again. We don't want to give up on our dream and desire to have children. Today.... this is harder than other days.
I looked forward to the day when true answers will come and I can understand more more about why suffering has to occur. I guess until that day comes.... I will just trust and wait.
I really really want to be strong and quote some incredible words of scripture. But right now, I am so confused and just really really mad that I am taking comfort in the fact that the Lord loves us and on our behalf family and friends are praying. We have again chosen to wait at home until the baby miscarries. We will again wait until the Lord allows us to get pregnant again. We don't want to give up on our dream and desire to have children. Today.... this is harder than other days.
I looked forward to the day when true answers will come and I can understand more more about why suffering has to occur. I guess until that day comes.... I will just trust and wait.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Joy Through Tears
How about this for Joy Through Tears! We are having a BABY.... and the baby is due August 12th!! Carter's birthday is August 9th.
We have been so excited to share our good news but wanted to wait until after Christmas day so we could surprise our families. Since we are sharing Christmas with my parents at my house, we went ahead and sent Brent's family special gifts that included cards and personalized messages announcing that they are going to be grandparents!!! We also sent Brent's sister a special gift with a card telling her about the baby and were surprised ourselves. When she called to tell us congratulations, she told us that she had just gotten ENGAGED!!! WHAT A CHRISTMAS FOR THE SPEARS FAMILY!!!
As far as my family, we had a few plans that we had talked about in order to share with my parents our news. We wrapped up three picture frames. One for my dad, one for my sister and one for my mom. We had my dad open his first. It was a professional picture of our dog, Wrigley from our trip to the beach in a sweet frame that says best buddies. Then my sister open the same gift. This is something that we do in our family all of the time... we give several family members the same exact gift and then laugh as they are opening it and say "I wonder what it could be?" SO as my mom was saying "Oh I wonder what this could be... I am excited to see my picture of Wrigley... " Instead she opened a frame that says "I (picture of a heart) Nana - with a sonogram picture of the new baby! It was quiet for a few seconds for sure, as she didn't quite grasp what it was. Then she started to cry and everyone got excited and started to cheer. It was a great surprise!!
As far as the baby is going... everything is great. We are a little on the high risk side because of the past two years, so we are being extra careful. I have been taking hormone pills at night as well as an antibiotic to keep the infection under control that is present when I get pregnant. I have been to the doctor 4 times in the first 7 weeks. We have had our first sonogram and will go for the next one on Jan 12 (unless I feel the need to go before that day. They have given me permission to go with my mother's intuition and if I feel like ANYTHING is wrong or just need reassurance, then I can go get another look at the baby! What a treat that is).
We are so thrilled about this baby. We appreciate all of your prayers during this next few months for sure. It has been a long road and Brent and I both feel a peace about this pregnancy, but ultimately don't feel like we can really breathe and relax until we are holding our precious child in our arms!
Merry Christmas blog friends. I promise to be better and keep all up to date on all baby news from here on out!! Thanks for praying for sure. Keep it up for sure!
We have been so excited to share our good news but wanted to wait until after Christmas day so we could surprise our families. Since we are sharing Christmas with my parents at my house, we went ahead and sent Brent's family special gifts that included cards and personalized messages announcing that they are going to be grandparents!!! We also sent Brent's sister a special gift with a card telling her about the baby and were surprised ourselves. When she called to tell us congratulations, she told us that she had just gotten ENGAGED!!! WHAT A CHRISTMAS FOR THE SPEARS FAMILY!!!
As far as my family, we had a few plans that we had talked about in order to share with my parents our news. We wrapped up three picture frames. One for my dad, one for my sister and one for my mom. We had my dad open his first. It was a professional picture of our dog, Wrigley from our trip to the beach in a sweet frame that says best buddies. Then my sister open the same gift. This is something that we do in our family all of the time... we give several family members the same exact gift and then laugh as they are opening it and say "I wonder what it could be?" SO as my mom was saying "Oh I wonder what this could be... I am excited to see my picture of Wrigley... " Instead she opened a frame that says "I (picture of a heart) Nana - with a sonogram picture of the new baby! It was quiet for a few seconds for sure, as she didn't quite grasp what it was. Then she started to cry and everyone got excited and started to cheer. It was a great surprise!!
As far as the baby is going... everything is great. We are a little on the high risk side because of the past two years, so we are being extra careful. I have been taking hormone pills at night as well as an antibiotic to keep the infection under control that is present when I get pregnant. I have been to the doctor 4 times in the first 7 weeks. We have had our first sonogram and will go for the next one on Jan 12 (unless I feel the need to go before that day. They have given me permission to go with my mother's intuition and if I feel like ANYTHING is wrong or just need reassurance, then I can go get another look at the baby! What a treat that is).
We are so thrilled about this baby. We appreciate all of your prayers during this next few months for sure. It has been a long road and Brent and I both feel a peace about this pregnancy, but ultimately don't feel like we can really breathe and relax until we are holding our precious child in our arms!
Merry Christmas blog friends. I promise to be better and keep all up to date on all baby news from here on out!! Thanks for praying for sure. Keep it up for sure!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Don't mess with a Momma's boy!!!
Don't mess with a Momma's baby, or I will tell you what... I stopped by to see Carter on Monday (as I do many weeks on my way to work), only to discover the cross we had placed on the grave on his birthday was missing. But more than that... the vase and flowers were missing!! I was having a bad day already on Monday. My trainer at the gym had made major changes to my workout and I was in lots of pain. My head was hurting, I was hungry (always hungry) and tired and not wanting to talk to anyone else that day! I decided instead of saying something I would regret, I would call my hubby and tell him to call and take care of this issue. After calling he said that often there are vases stolen to use for the copper! That brought me no comfort, but more anger! So Wednesday I went over and kindly (I tried to be) asked them what happened and what they would be doing about it. We learned that there was an infant 6 months old that was buried next to Carter and to protect his vase, it was removed. They had just placed it on the wrong grave when they put everything back together. I was so frustrated that they could make such a mistake. I began to understand the idea of a mother protecting her child. I also had to learn more and more about God's grace. Yes the vase and flowers are important to me, but really people and relationship with people are even more important than that! Even the midst of a mother's wrath, God taught me about his gace!! Thank you Lord.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Back again!
*Beware of lot's of grammer and spelling errors!! Will edit when I get a second!!!
What a day I had yesterday! In fact I was so excited about all that the day was going to hold! One of my precious friends was having a yard sale to benefit her brother. He is in his mid 30's and was given the devastating diagnosis this summer that he has ALS. He has already started to progress very quickly. We had come up with the idea to have a small sale, that turned into such a great blessing of how God's people come together to help serve friends who have never meet. It rained most of the day, and many of the items we had hoped would sell has not, but we are hoping to sell them on Craigslist and still get a little bit of money out of them. But... during the sale, I had to run home for a minute. When I returned, my friend was on the phone with another friend of ours. She had called to ask us to pray for her daughter who had had an accident at school and was knocked unconscious for a few minutes. I quickly took off to Gwinnett Medical ER. It was the same place I had been a year before when I found out I was loosing Carter. But, I knew that is what God had for me to on Friday. So I sat and waited with Lisa and her middle daughter. She was fine and in fact doing much better when we were finally able to leave several hours later. Although, there was another family that came in while we were there that didn't get the same good news we got Friday. A little child was rushed through the halls of the children's ER and put into a few rooms down from us. We could hear the commotion and feel the stress of the nurses and doctors as they all ran to help the child. Less than 10 minutes after the commotion began, everything stopped. It was obvious to me what had happened. I knew my friend and her daughter were already stressed enough with all of the craziness they had had during their day. I tried to help make as much noise as I could to entertain my friends, so that they would not be subjected to the noise that was happening in the hallway. I had to struggle to not allow myself to go back to that moment a year ago when I was told that my son was gone. Within a few seconds, the hospital chaplain and social worker and doctor took the sweet family into the room next door and told them the devastating news... there was nothing more they could do, and their precious child was gone. The sound of the mothers scream made my stomach hurt. Although we were able to somewhat distract my friends daughter, I knew my friend Lisa hurt the cry of that mother. She dropped her apple that she had been eating and gave me a looked of pain, fear and panic. It was a moment I had hopped I would never be a part of again. Even being a room away, didn't take away the sickness we felt in our stomachs. Earlier when we began to hear the commotion begin, sweet Emily had looked to us and asked if we could pray for the little child that was so sick. We tried to pretend that the sound we heard was nothing (as I was talking loud and clapping my hands in excitement over the Disney movie we were watching in the ER room). I had seen the people walk into the room and knew what was about to happen and just asked the Lord to help shield our sweet little girl in her bed from hearing the sounds all around her. I not sure she didn't hear the cries but she didn't react to them as if they were anything to be concerned about.
As I walked to pull up our cars when it was finally time to go home, I walked out with the couple who's whole lives had been changed in just a few seconds. A day that they would never forget, and day that will turn their worlds upside down. I walked into the parking lot with this family, so much wanting to hug them, or give them words of encouragement. Tell them I know a little how they feel. Tell them how I walked into the same doors last year with my own child safe in my womb and walked out with arms empty. Tell them that as terrible as it was, I am still able to stand today and walk through another day because of my savior Jesus Christ. I wanted to just touch them. I wanted to hug that mom and tell her that it will be okay one day! But I couldn't. Instead as much as I had tried to pretend, being there, in the same ER ,where I lost my own child was no big deal, it was killing me inside.
I left there (starving... as I have stared a new diet and working out with a personal trainer, and require a lot more food than I used too) to run and help clean up from the yard sale. I finally was able to get home, only to hurry and get ready for a friends bday party. I got in the shower to try and cool off and cleanse my heart a little. Instead, I broke down crying. I still can't get the sound of that mother's cries out of my mind. I don't 100% know what she is feeling, but can understand the pain of losing a child. I don't know what it is like to have had a special gift placed into my arms for a few years and then to be taken into the arms of Christ. But I do know what it is like to hold that child for a few hours and having to walk away and go home empty handed. I keep thinking that this feeling of defeat will pass. The feeling of disappointment month after month finding out we are still not pregnant, to just go away. The hope of having a child while we are still considered young parents, just disappear. I will be 36 in 13 days. It's hard to be excited about exciting events when in fact I really am so sad and just mad that I can't just blow out some candles on a cake and get the "little wish" that I really desire most.
I wish so much that I could say everything will be great and that God will take this away from me and I will be fine. I do know that God is doing great things and our story is helping other people. I know that because I hear that from others. I don't always believe it. In fact I often feel like a failure. I feel like I will never be okay again. I get tired some days of walking in these shoes of lose. I get tired of looking at an empty crib, but don't have the desire to take it down because that would be me admitting defeat. In fact there are days when I am ready to throw my hands up and save I give in! It's days when I am taken back to the place where my life changed that I want to scream Life really stinks!!! I know that truth and believe the truth. But for today, my heart and spirit is weak. I struggle to see the future and am so glad that the Lord knows my future and has a plan for me. UGH, what a day back again!!
What a day I had yesterday! In fact I was so excited about all that the day was going to hold! One of my precious friends was having a yard sale to benefit her brother. He is in his mid 30's and was given the devastating diagnosis this summer that he has ALS. He has already started to progress very quickly. We had come up with the idea to have a small sale, that turned into such a great blessing of how God's people come together to help serve friends who have never meet. It rained most of the day, and many of the items we had hoped would sell has not, but we are hoping to sell them on Craigslist and still get a little bit of money out of them. But... during the sale, I had to run home for a minute. When I returned, my friend was on the phone with another friend of ours. She had called to ask us to pray for her daughter who had had an accident at school and was knocked unconscious for a few minutes. I quickly took off to Gwinnett Medical ER. It was the same place I had been a year before when I found out I was loosing Carter. But, I knew that is what God had for me to on Friday. So I sat and waited with Lisa and her middle daughter. She was fine and in fact doing much better when we were finally able to leave several hours later. Although, there was another family that came in while we were there that didn't get the same good news we got Friday. A little child was rushed through the halls of the children's ER and put into a few rooms down from us. We could hear the commotion and feel the stress of the nurses and doctors as they all ran to help the child. Less than 10 minutes after the commotion began, everything stopped. It was obvious to me what had happened. I knew my friend and her daughter were already stressed enough with all of the craziness they had had during their day. I tried to help make as much noise as I could to entertain my friends, so that they would not be subjected to the noise that was happening in the hallway. I had to struggle to not allow myself to go back to that moment a year ago when I was told that my son was gone. Within a few seconds, the hospital chaplain and social worker and doctor took the sweet family into the room next door and told them the devastating news... there was nothing more they could do, and their precious child was gone. The sound of the mothers scream made my stomach hurt. Although we were able to somewhat distract my friends daughter, I knew my friend Lisa hurt the cry of that mother. She dropped her apple that she had been eating and gave me a looked of pain, fear and panic. It was a moment I had hopped I would never be a part of again. Even being a room away, didn't take away the sickness we felt in our stomachs. Earlier when we began to hear the commotion begin, sweet Emily had looked to us and asked if we could pray for the little child that was so sick. We tried to pretend that the sound we heard was nothing (as I was talking loud and clapping my hands in excitement over the Disney movie we were watching in the ER room). I had seen the people walk into the room and knew what was about to happen and just asked the Lord to help shield our sweet little girl in her bed from hearing the sounds all around her. I not sure she didn't hear the cries but she didn't react to them as if they were anything to be concerned about.
As I walked to pull up our cars when it was finally time to go home, I walked out with the couple who's whole lives had been changed in just a few seconds. A day that they would never forget, and day that will turn their worlds upside down. I walked into the parking lot with this family, so much wanting to hug them, or give them words of encouragement. Tell them I know a little how they feel. Tell them how I walked into the same doors last year with my own child safe in my womb and walked out with arms empty. Tell them that as terrible as it was, I am still able to stand today and walk through another day because of my savior Jesus Christ. I wanted to just touch them. I wanted to hug that mom and tell her that it will be okay one day! But I couldn't. Instead as much as I had tried to pretend, being there, in the same ER ,where I lost my own child was no big deal, it was killing me inside.
I left there (starving... as I have stared a new diet and working out with a personal trainer, and require a lot more food than I used too) to run and help clean up from the yard sale. I finally was able to get home, only to hurry and get ready for a friends bday party. I got in the shower to try and cool off and cleanse my heart a little. Instead, I broke down crying. I still can't get the sound of that mother's cries out of my mind. I don't 100% know what she is feeling, but can understand the pain of losing a child. I don't know what it is like to have had a special gift placed into my arms for a few years and then to be taken into the arms of Christ. But I do know what it is like to hold that child for a few hours and having to walk away and go home empty handed. I keep thinking that this feeling of defeat will pass. The feeling of disappointment month after month finding out we are still not pregnant, to just go away. The hope of having a child while we are still considered young parents, just disappear. I will be 36 in 13 days. It's hard to be excited about exciting events when in fact I really am so sad and just mad that I can't just blow out some candles on a cake and get the "little wish" that I really desire most.
I wish so much that I could say everything will be great and that God will take this away from me and I will be fine. I do know that God is doing great things and our story is helping other people. I know that because I hear that from others. I don't always believe it. In fact I often feel like a failure. I feel like I will never be okay again. I get tired some days of walking in these shoes of lose. I get tired of looking at an empty crib, but don't have the desire to take it down because that would be me admitting defeat. In fact there are days when I am ready to throw my hands up and save I give in! It's days when I am taken back to the place where my life changed that I want to scream Life really stinks!!! I know that truth and believe the truth. But for today, my heart and spirit is weak. I struggle to see the future and am so glad that the Lord knows my future and has a plan for me. UGH, what a day back again!!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Infant Loss
It's been a year since I posted this same post. October 15 - National Infant, pregnancy loss day and the day my best friend Jen was born! What a day of crazy emotions. Today was not what I had expected at all. I didn't feel like I had a chance to sit and ponder on the life and death of Carter of the other sweet friends of mine who have also lost children. My life these days seems to be going 10000 miles per hour. I desire so much to be stopped in my tracks. I want the Lord to allow me to be pregnant and have to slow down. But... I know that is something I must do myself. I am taking a bible Study with friends on Thursday mornings. It is called "One in a Million" It is amazing (although really I have continued to daily say how much I hate it!) It's where I am... in the wilderness. I feel like I am wandering around trying to figure out where I need to be going, knowing that there is "water up ahead" I just can't seem to find it. Do you ever feel that way? You know God has given you direction and even a path (I think he mailed me a map the other day, I just can't seem to figure out how to read it. Just kidding) But I feel like just the Israel, He is taking me the wrong way in order to get to the promise land. Losing two children is not the way to build a family. No.. listen to me Lord, I have it all figured out. So lets just do it my way and things will turn out great!! And that's the line that keeps getting me into trouble.... day after day after day!!
So starting tomorrow, I will wake up again and begin the day serving the Lord and seeking His plan for just tomorrow and hope and pray that I don't mess up His plan and spend more time searching in the wilderness, when really all I need to do is pick up the map and go girl!!! Just go girl!!!!!!!!
So starting tomorrow, I will wake up again and begin the day serving the Lord and seeking His plan for just tomorrow and hope and pray that I don't mess up His plan and spend more time searching in the wilderness, when really all I need to do is pick up the map and go girl!!! Just go girl!!!!!!!!
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