Sweet Boy

Brent and I had a Spears family day on Saturday. Since it was the first day of the month, we spent the day shopping, shopping and more shopping. Brent takes me to lunch and helps me do my big Costco run and Walmart shopping trip one Saturday each month! It's great. He brings in the food and I put it away. WIN - WIN!! We then ran over to Home Depot to make some exchanges and get the supplies to nail down, yet another project on our to do list!! YEAH US! We also ran over to see Carter. This was the first time Brent was able to see Carter's marker. We brought Wrigley with us and just enjoyed some special time as a family. The day wasn't sad. Our visit wasn't even sad. We are both still so grieved over Carter's death, but the placement of the marker was yet another reminder of God's great plan in our lives. We pray even through a simple marker, that God will our little sweet boy's life to minister to other families that visit their loved ones at the same cemetery Carter is buried. Brent and I spent a few minutes walking down to see the bench and grave site for a special friend of ours from the first church we attended when we first moved to GA. As we walked around, we were reminded of how many other people have buried their children, fathers, mothers, wives, husbands... in this same cemetery with no hope. I am always amazed at the little toys and special reminders that people leave on their loved ones earthly resting place that seemed important to them. Things like toy cars, pictures of accomplishments they completed while on earth, alcoholic drinks, packs of cigarettes. It blows me away and makes me so sad. It's that moment that makes me want to stop and bow before the Lord and just throw my hands up in praise. God thank you for hope. Thank you for the legacy of my baby that lived just an hour and 21 minutes, but yet changed my life in that time. He reminded me of your goodness, the importance of prayer, and makes me desire to be more like you each day. I look forward to the day I can be in glory and see my sweet boy again! I pray that even in the middle of a place of sadness like the cemetery, God will use us to share His love to others who need to hear hope!! Thank you Lord for yet another reason to Praise you in the Storms!

One Blue Flower for our Sweet Boy

Closure

I know this sounds strange, but I am so excited that we finally got our marker in and put into the ground. It has been so tough going to visit Carter only to see a patch of grass. I have already been by to see the marker and Brent and I plan to go tomorrow. I will take pictures post them. I feel like finally this nightmare is coming closer to an end. Although, we still have a TON of issues left with medical bills and hospital issues, it will be nice to feel like we have some peace and more to look forward too. We know that the Lord has big things in store for us again. I can finally say, that I do feel like "dancing again." Look the next couple of days for more pictures on Carter.

Post 101 - Bitterness Dancing

I can't believe I missed the fact that we have posted 100 posts! WOW! So here on post 101, I really don't have a ton to say right now. The last few weeks have been a little tough. Lot's going on. I have been taking this great bible study on Thursday's called "When Wallflower's Dance." It's great. It's all about learning how to "dance again". Learning how to be a women of confidence and all that God wants from me as a women. This week, my bible study has been talking about bitterness. I really didn't know how much bitterness I have held onto and deal with until I began to ask the Lord to reveal it to me. I had asked my girls ( through tears) to pray for my heart. I was getting so discouraged that I was letting jealousy fester in my heart each time I heard someone announce they were having a baby, or when friends would talk about what a great pregnancy they were having, or when sweet perfect babies were being born. Each time, I would desire to feel so good about it, but just wanted to scream and yell how unfair life was! After spending the last two nights really learning and studying about bitterness, I saw how I was killing my heart and dying inside over this. It became more clear to me why I was depressed, crying, sad and just not motivated to do all that I needed to do on a day to day basis. Isn't it so good when the Lord shows us what is eating our hearts. I know I mess up. I know that I don't always love the way I should. I want to grow and learn how to love the way Jesus loves. I tease Brent how he always finds the good in the worse of people. He will defend ANYONE no matter how hurt he feels by that person. He is always the one reminding me that when I feel someone is insensitive or being hurtful or selfish, to look from their point of view/shoes. Hurting-wounded people - hurt people, there is a reason to their behavior. I have to admit, that it has been freeing to be able to let go a lot of the bitterness I have stored up in my own heart. I was sure over the past few weeks that I would never be able to feel whole again. I was beginning to feel like I was back on the day Carter died. I was afraid I would forever have a hard time making rational choices. That was one of the hardest things for both of us after we lost Carter. There were days that we could not think rationally. We found ourselves repeating stories to people again and again. We found ourselves forgetting things that were normally second nature to us both. We soon learned, after attending a conference last fall, that we both were operating "In the Grip." It's that time in life when you are so stressed that you are not acting yourself. I feel like we both are getting back to being ourselves again. Finally, I am starting to DANCE!!!! I am ready to get my groove on. Come dance with me! God has good things in store for our lives.

Compliment (maybe)

Brent and I have been taking a deep water aerobic class at our local indoor pool. Don't be impressed, we just started last week and this is only our 4th class. In four classes we have had four instructors. Each lady teaches differently and you never do the same exercises twice it seems like. Tonight after class, the instructor asked Brent if he was taking the class because of any injury (what she was implying was that he must be a serious athlete and was taking this class since he was injured and can only do this!) I told him (being funny) she must have missed your little gut so she would have realized that you were doing this to get rid of that! I do have to admit that out of most the people in the class, especially of the men, Brent is one of the much smaller guys! I can see how he could be mistaken for a "serious athlete!" Right now, we both are praying that we just live to see tomorrow after these tough workouts!!!

Happy Happy Birthday!

Today was Brent's bday. It was a great day. Long day, but good. Both Brent and I have always had birthday traditions that we have created for ourselves on our special days. I always love to go out to eat and see a movie. Some times we don't actually get to have that happen on my actually day, but it is always close. This year Brent and I went to PF Changs for dinner and to a movie last week knowing we had church tonight and would not have the time to go out. So tonight, as traditional we do, I made Brent's favorite meal, Pepper Steak. Not just any pepper steak, his mom's pepper steak. This meal has taken me 7 years at least to work on. When we got married, I was pretty confident in my own cooking. I felt like I was pretty good. Brent felt that he was a pretty great cook too. Of course he was very proficient at making Hamburger Helper! YUCK. I was great at creating new fun meals, but being my northern self, I didn't have a clue about spices. Brent grew up with a mom and dad that were both fantastic cooks and understand the need to spice things up and how to add good flavor. So I had a ton to live up too! (I am still not sure that I even come close to them). When we were dating, I called Lynn, Brent's mom to ask for this pepper steak recipe. To be honest, I had never heard of pepper steak. We didn't have much chinese food growing up either. It is now his bday dinner of choice. I am sure I still have a long way to go on making this meal just like "mom." But, I am guessing, I will never get it as good as she does, and that is okay! There are some things that are just meant to be made perfect by a mom! Thanks Lynn for sharing this dish, and hopefully I did it some justice.

Happy 35th Birthday Brent! Glad it was a special day. I am looking forward to another wonderful year with you.

Inauguration 2009

I could not let this day go by without stopping and taking note of what occur ed today. Even though Brent and I did not vote for the current president, that does not mean that we will not support him for the role he has been appointed today as of today. Most of all, we will continue to lift him up in prayer. I pray that decisions will not be made for our country based on feelings, emotions, or political party choices, but instead on the moral convictions the Lord places in our lives and requires us to answer to one day when we face Him in eternity. I pray for the first family, those two special girls who will grow up in the spot light of America. I pray that the Lord will send to them special ladies who will take them under their wings and instill in those little girls the security and mentorship that they will need to grow up in the way the Lord has for their lives.

Today was for sure historic, as it is ever 4 years for sure. Now we begin to pray for yet another man who we pray will take on the such a big job with the integrity that is required! (more comments to come soon!)

The Most imporant Entry Ever

As a child, I loved playing piano. In fact, I was the kid that didn't have to be reminded to practice, I had to be asked to stop practicing. I loved it. Yesterday our pastor asked us to practice something more important than paino. He asked us to pratice our faith. The Lord immediatly brought to mind this blog. I know that many of you have read my blog faithfully and get the idea that Brent and I love the Lord with all of our hearts. Through the good days and bad days, I hope after each time you read the updates that we post, the message is always clear that our constant is our love for the Lord {more importantly really - His love for us and everyone}. The Bible tells us, that He is faithful, even when people are not. But, then I started to think, there maybe one person out there that reads this blog and has no idea what we are talking about or that they never have asked Jesus to be their Savior. So, before we go one more day, let me take a second of your time and ask you to keep reading the most important blog entry I have ever done and as I introduce to you our best friend and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Jesus isn't just a historical figure that came and changed history {though He did do that for sure}. He was fully a man/human being and fully God at the same time, that came to this earth in order for you and I to be able to have eternal life. You see, God is such a Holy and pure God that we as sinful {sinful: offending God, not living up to His perfect standards, turning our backs on His love and plan} humans are unable to come to Him because He is not able to be have anything unholy in his presence. We are all unholy. That causes us a problem. A really BIG - eternal problem when you stop and think about this.

Before Christ came and died, the Israelites would have to give (an animal) sacrifices and a variety of offerings to keep in right relationship with God and others. The sacrifices also preserved the the holiness of God's presence in their lives - a symbolic cleansing. There had to be shedding of blood {the lifeline for all living creatures ... including people} for sins to be covered. Can you imagine having to do that today? Each time we lie, or think a bad thought, are jealous, envious, yell at your kids or at your husband. We are so busy, I don't know when we would have time to sacrifice animals, too. The offerings/sacrifices of the Old Testament were not intended to remove or forgive sin, rather it was a preparation - pointing to the reality of the coming Messiah. The Old Testament and New Testament teach that animal sacrifices were not intended to save people from their sins or get them to heaven. Rather, salvation has always been a matter of faith ... faith in Jesus Christ - the Messiah, His sacrifice for all people. For God so loved the world, He sent His son Jesus as a baby. After 33 years, Christ died on a cross {though He was perfect in every way, never sinning} for your sins and mine. He came and lived a perfect life and died the death of a harden criminal for sins that he didn't commit. But that one act of sacrifice made it possible for us to live eternally in heaven with our God. That is really GOOD NEWS {that is what Gospel means} when you think about it, amist a lot of bad news we hear on the news day by day. The reality is, we live in that relationship today ... here on earth, not having to just wait for heaven.

So what do you need to do about this? The same thing Brent and I did years ago. We realized that we were sinners. We knew that we both were headed to hell because we were not perfect and fell short of God's glory. Only those who have no sin could enter heaven, unless you have asked Jesus to clean you of your sin. That was the best day in our both of our lives. Do we deserve this? No. In fact, it's funny when I hear people talk about life isn't fair. They are right, it isn't fair. It isn't fair that people spend eternity in hell. WRONG. The unfairness is that people spend life eternally in heaven. We all deserve hell because we are full of sin. The Bible {in Romans 3:23} says all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. The only way to resolve this sin problem is to ask Jesus to live in your heart. The Bible also shares that Jesus is the only way to God, the only one who can provide forgiveness, true peace, true purpose in life for here and now, the one who created us and loves us, and knows us the best. The one who wants to be in a personal - intitmate relationship with us all. You can begin this relationship right now by....

A - Admitting to God, you are a sinner and have sinned {it only takes 1 sin to be a sinner ... all of us have done this for sure} and need His forgiveness.

B - Believe God, that He sent His son, Jesus Christ to be the final sacrifice for all sins. That what Jesus did on that cross was for you personally. He died for your sins and God rose Him from the dead 3 days later. Ask Jesus to forgive you of your sins and ask Him to be your personal Lord and Savior.

C - Confess with your mouth, that Jesus is Lord and Savior what you believe in your heart and what He has done for you, personally. Tell somebody.

We love each of you and hope that you will take this step of faith today. If you have questions about this post, we would love to hear from you! Make 2009 the year that you secure your future in eternity!

Cute Toes

Do you ever feel like sometimes you just need a nice spa day in order to give yourself a little boost? Today is that day for me. Even if I am having to give the nice lady quarters to pay for a little spa action, I think that is one of the things that will give me that boost. I have tried not to get on here and be a downer, but to be honest, there are so many days that I feel down. Brent, being my voice of reason, tells me that it is natural for lots of people our age to start having babies and that I shouldn't be surprised with each announcement. He's right. (he did not say that to be insensitive, just wise!) It is less about being surprised, but more of a small sting to my heart when I hear that God has blessed someone else with a baby. Stupid I know. There are days that I can handle hearing the mundane tasks that my friends are doing with their own children, but there are still days that I want to scream and tell them to stop talking about their children and be more sensitive! I AM SO SO SO SELFISH. I know that. I know this sounds horrible too. Then I start to remember that it's not about me or how I feel, but more about what the Lord has planned in my life and in the lives of others. Isn't that what I tell people all of the time? When I tell others that same advice, I mean it!!!! In fact I shared this very week with a family that when we have these symptoms of depression and pain and we submit to that, we allow Satan to creep into our lives and we begin to doubt the Lord's plan for us. We begin to lose faith. I am not saying depression isn't real or that we should not be allowed to have depression. Depression is real (I am a therapist, I would go out of business if I didn't say that!) I know the right answers, but there are just days that I feel like a good quiet time sitting in a chair getting my toes done, begging the Lord to heal my heart and give me the strength to make it one more day would help a little bit! It may give me the strength to celebrate with others in the goodness of the blessings in their lives. Today, it seems like if someone was pampering me a little, maybe it would be a little easier! Ever feel that way? (If I hadn't worked out so hard all week long, I would add a little bite of chocolate with that too. But, I am NOT going to give into something that I will regret tomorrow!) We are celebrating Brent's bday tonight at his favorite resturant and watching a movie as well. His bday isn't until next week, so I am sure we will get to celebrate again, but I think I may need to do a little extra today to get into that celebration mood! I hate being so selfish! Lord create in me a clean heart!

NO ITCHING HERE

I can't believe it has been 7 years since Brent and I said "I do." I have considered us newly married for so long and now finally realize that we are not the newly married couple any more. They said that 7 years means the 7 year itch! I see no itching here for sure. I think if we can make it through all that we have been through in the 7 years and still love each other more than we did on our wedding day, we will stay scratch free! For the fun of it, I thought I would attach a copy of our story that Brent wrote in our program. I can say this for sure, if I had to marry you all over again baby, I would do it again and again and again! So glad I have you to "Do life with!"

Today is also my sister's birthday and our puppy Wrigley's 4th bday! Lot's to celebrate for sure.

Happy Anniversary Baby! I love you!

Our Story

Hollywood often depicts love stories as an easy formula in which people operate in unrealistic “love at first sight” problem free worlds. We know reality is different. Every real life love story is unique and special while being made up of several key components. The most important key in our relationship has been the love of God found only in Jesus Christ. This is our story………….

While stepping out in faith and attempting to follow the Lord’s leading in their lives, two people left almost opposite ends of the country to arrive in New Orleans. The young man came from west Texas while the lovely young lady traveled down from Maryland. The two bright-eyed, optimistic, eager students entered orientation at New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary full of questions and hope. Each were consumed in individual thoughts and concerns, wondering what this new chapter life would entail. While sitting in an orientation session, the two met. Appearing to be an ordinary introduction – all of Heaven applauded. You see God has a plan for their lives and knew exactly when the two would meet.

Shortly after the orientation, the new school semester began. The two found themselves in all of the same classes together. Through mutual friends and ordained circumstances, the two began interacting outside of the classroom as well. Instantly, the two hit it off and the connection was made! Well, not exactly. However, after a misunderstanding that led to a deep all night conversation – the relationship took on a new level of respect.

After weeks and months of spending time together in and out of class, the friendship grew stronger in mutual love and respect. Through a variety of trials and tribulations as well as joys and triumphs, they found their friendship to truly be a gift from God. In the early spring of the next semester, each began to analyze their friendship at a close look. Both agreed to remain friends only in order to preserve the uniqueness of the relationship. However, as the summer rolled in things began to change.

While in Brazil, she began to realize her love for and desire to commit to him. She also began to pray and ask God to give her confirmation and peace in this direction. He remained in New Orleans eagerly awaiting her arrival back to the States. Upon her arrival, he began to realize how much he missed her and wanted to be with her all of the time.

In the beginning of the fall semester, they could no longer deny their desire to pursue their relationship on a deeper level. As he began to tell her how he felt, he decided to wait. He feared the exploration might jeopardize the friendship. So they waited, sometimes patiently, sometimes not so patiently. Finally, as the semester drew to an end, after prayers and much confirmation, he initiated the conversation. The couple shared their love for one another.

The relationship continued to blossom over the next year and on a horse drawn carriage, the couple got engaged. Now we have arrived at this moment. This is the day where we make our love and commitment to each other public and permanent. We thank God for how He has loved us and allowed us to meet, become best friends, and marry as life partners. Our prayer for you, our treasured friends and family, is that you would personally and truly know how wide and deep and high is the love of Christ Jesus for you. That you would follow in the footsteps of the One who loved you enough to die for you.

And so, today, with thankfulness too great for words, we stand before Him and promise ourselves to Him and to each other… for life. We praise Him for the simple joys of life and complex sufferings as well that draws us to Himself and a future spent together.


Brent and Jenna

Welcome 2009

Wow, I can't believe it is already 2009. What a year it has been. Looking back at all 2008 held for us is sort of overwhelming. One year ago, Brent and I were up to our elbows painting our little house (that is an understatement) and coaching basketball. This year New Years was a little more low key than that. Today we spent the day resting and relaxing instead of working on house projects. It's nice sometimes to just stop and be. Of course there are the obvious reasons that we are glad to be saying goodbye to 2008. But at the same time so much happened in 2008 that has changed our lives forever. I had big hopes that our grave marker would have already arrived and been placed in Carter's grave so that we could start 2009 as a fresh new start. But again, that was a Jenna plan. I could begin to list tons of goals that I have for myself and our family for this year and hope that many of those appropriate goals will come true. But, once again those goals belong to us. If I have learned anything in 2008, it is that my trust belongs in the Lord alone. I have no control over life or the events that occur in this world. Each day brings new choices, challenges, sorrows, joys and tests. Instead of focusing on what it is that I desire, I hope to make 2009 a year of counting the blessings we have and with each new day seeking the Lord's best for us in all that we say and do. It's one thing to say that we truly trust the Lord at all times. It is another challenge to live it. We choose to make 2009 the year that focus on living out our faith and seeking God's best. We will fail some days, and we will be a success some days. I pray that all that we do in 2009 will bring the Lord glory. WELCOME 2009!! We can't wait to see what it brings!

He did it again

The memorial Christmas tree. Each person who died this year had an ornament on the tree


The sweet lady that was the speaker.

The end of a good week, that without the the saving power of Jesus Christ, would have been terrible. But several times this week, the Lord showed up, went before us and laid out the red carpet for us to walk on. We of course had our service on Tuesday at the funeral home, and ran into some friends from church who were there celebrating the life of their mom. Then of course Wednesday was such a great day for both Brent and I. I was able to eat lunch with very special friends and then I went shopping for the rest of the afternoon! I had a blast. While I was finishing my relaxing evening by taking a bath... (doesn't that just sound relaxing) Brent went to church in order to practice being a shepherd for the Cantata on Sunday. He is going to be the Shepherd that takes baby Jesus (played by our pastors granddaughter) out of the manager and off the stage. He was so overjoyed that he was able to hug and love all over that sweet 8 month old baby! (a little history with Brent and small children. He loves kids as long as they talk and are able to potty on their own!) This was such a blessing. Then he and I went on a Krispy Kreme run like we were back in college. It was such a blast.

To wrap up the week, we went to TWO Christmas parties on Friday (one for lunch and one for dinner). Both were special times with special friends and just a neat way to celebrate this season. Saturday night ended out week of remembrance. We had a candlelight service at the cemetery. Again, both of us were a little nervous about the night. WHY? I don't know, because the Lord provided again. A sweet family who were loved at our last church, lost their dad and husband this summer. As we were standing out in large crowd of people in the cold, I saw a lady out of the corner of my eye and realized it was my friend Ms. Peggy and her family. We didn't even know her husband was in the same cemetery. The place was so pretty with the full moon and all of the luminaries that surrounded the entire place. It really was beautiful. Brent and I both agreed unlike some cemeteries, this one is not spooky in any way. It is just peaceful! Each time we go, there is such a feeling of peace that overcomes you. There's the red carpet coming out again! Thank you Jesus for coming and taking care of every detail in our lives.

This is the entrance of the cemetery

Carter is buried in the section of the cemetery called "Devotion". This is the statue that is in the middle of that garden. (Each garden has a different monument.) This happens to be a bible with opened to the Lord's prayer

Carter's marker is still not in yet, but we still placed the candle on his grave.

All in one week

The anticipation of this week has been much worse than the actually week itself. Of course we still have two more days before the week is officially over, but so far, so good. The week began with a special service we were invited to attend on Tuesday evening at the funeral home we used for Carter. It is a special Christmas service designed for anyone who has lost a loved on during the past year. We were so blessed how the Lord took care of so many intimate details down to the Christian run funeral home we used. During the service there was a wonderful women who shared about her journey since loosing her husband 6 years ago. She still got chocked up talking about her loss. She had been married for 51 years when her husband died. They also had a tree decorated with red ball ornaments that had the name of each person that died this year who the funeral home helped. It was precious. It wasn't so much sad for us, as it was just a sweet time of reflection.

Wednesday was the official date we were given that Carter was due. As my friend and I had talked about, it wasn't so much a day to remember or make a big deal out of, because the chances that Carter would had been born on that day, was slim. Although, now it is nice that my mind doesn't think I should be 7 months, 8 months of 9 months pregnant, but instead now I can personalize the fact that my little boy would had been 4 months old right now. At the same time, so far this week has helped me to focus on the moving forward process. We still have one more service to attend this week (I can't believe it was all in one week) at the cemetery. There is another candle light service at the cemetery this weekend. I do feel like Brent and I both in a much better place emotionally and looking forward to seeing what 2009 brings for us. We of course still have Christmas day, but I believe even that day will be okay. (I may be wrong). The hard thing is that I don't want others to forget, because we will never forget, but at the same time I like going at our pace.
I can not deny that Lord continues to show us His faithfulness in all areas of our life. For me, I feel such a freedom to do what is needed for me according to what I feel the Lord has for me right now. No regrets and no guilt involved. We have had so many things change in our lives this year. So many things that I look back and think why Lord did you do it that way. Then I look in the now and even look forward and see... that's why. There are still the days of jealousy, depression, hurt, pain, and even days when I feel forgotten. But.. those days getting less and less and I am seeing the Lords face more and more. The journey continues, just as He planned!!

Special Gift

I wanted to include this in my last blog, but decided that it deserved a blog of it's own. My friend Jen had told me she was making me something special for my birthday. And she did as you can see from the picture. In her card she sent, she reminded us of the gift the Lord gave Brent and I the day we took it each other as man and wife. Although we no longer have our son Carter here on earth with us, what a gift it is to remember that we are a family, The Spears!! I pray daily the Lord will bless us again with more children. ( The funny thing about this gift is that Jen and I both have the same exact dishes, which are blue and I have a blue and white kitchen. So this gift was made especially for my kitchen.) Thanks Jen! I love you friend.

By the way... make sure to scroll down and check out my older post. I FINALLY posted pictures!!

Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving, a day when we should feel overwhelmed with a thankful heart, seemed somewhat harder this year. This Thanksgiving was so much fun and such a special day regardless of what life we have lived the last three months. Brent and I spent the day at our friends grandmothers house with all of their family. There are some families that you spend time with at holidays and you feel like a stranger. But that is not how we feel about this family. They made us feel like we were supposed to be there. Brent and I both walked away saying how we felt so welcomed, warm and loved! Thanks Bullard/Ford/Cook clan. We love you guys. But like I started, it took a little more for me to be thankful this year. It is so easy to be thankful when times are going well and life is easy. I realized how tough it was this year to be truly thankful when I feel so hurt, sad and angry still. I know how much I have to be thankful for and how God is daily working on my heart to conform me to be more like him. Brent and I talked about how many changes we feel like we have been making in the last few weeks. I got a new haircut (just a little shorter and darker color), we have spent every weekend trying to clean out a new room in our house and get rid of whatever things we have not used lately. Brent and I both have been trying to work out several times a week in order to feel healthier. We are doing whatever we can to prepare ourselves and our lives for another gift the Lord would allow to have in the future. No matter what the rest of this year brings, we are thankful for the fact that the Lord is not done with us yet!

Ask me, don't ask me...

This is my struggle. I can't tell you how many times in a single week the question, "Do you have any children?" comes up. I was reading another friends blog who lost her son as well, and the struggle she has with this same question. This past Thursday was a pretty tough day for me, and being asked this question hurts sometimes. Before we had Carter, this question was easy for us. No we don't have children, or while we were pregnant, I would just proudly say that we were expecting our first in December. Now... this question is so bittersweet. I love it when people ask me because I am able to talk about my Carter and share his and our testimony of what the Lord is doing in our life. At the same time, answering this questions makes people give me the look of pity or they get very uncomfortable and stop talking with me. I just hate that all of this is so awkward and hard to talk about. I did have one lady who confused me with another friend of mine and thought that I was pregnant again. It killed me to tell her that it wasn't me it was someone else. Of course people are just trying to be helpful, but several ladies will tell me that I need to just keep waiting and not get pregnant too soon. "Give your body time to heal." My body is healed and I can have another baby in Feb, unless the Lord allows us to get pregnant before then. But, I just don't need to be reminded of the fact that I am not pregnant today. Bittersweet.

So don't be afraid to ask me about my son, and don't be afraid if I cry. I will cry some days, but don't be afraid of my tears. Let me cry. This is how God is healing my heart! Thanks to all of you who go out of your way to love on me and to help me through this time. SO... ASK ME!!

Cardboard Testimony

Front Side of Cardboard

Backside of my cardboard

Thursday was our last Ladies Bible Study at our church, for this year. To celebrate our time together we had a brunch (we had great food), a speaker who shared her testimony of how the Lord loved her through a very difficult time in her life, and Cardboard Testimonies. I was asked to take part in this testimony time. I was doing great with it. I even was able to read what was on my card without any tears. Well, until I had to get in line and walk on the stage. Here I was again, some place I didn't want to be, sharing a story I didn't want to have as part of my testimony. Bittersweet.

For those of you who do not know what Cardboard Testimonies are, let me explain. (You can also find some examples on http://www.godtube.com/) Several people write on one side of a piece of cardboard an aspect of your testimony (ususally is some bad or a tough situation that the Lord brought you through). Then on the other side of the card, you write what the Lord has done in redeeming that situation. ) For example, one of my friends wrote that "She was a teen mom faced with a choice." She brought her daughter with her who held up the other side of the cardboard that read, "glad for the choice my mother made." Another friend wrote "Mischarriage July 2008", on the back it said something like "waited on the Lords timing and pregnant due April 2009". I took a picture of mine and posted it below. When I got on the stage, I wasn't able to look at a single lady because they were all crying by then. It was really a sweet time of sharing. Back on August 10th, the day after we lost Carter, Brent was supposed to share his cardboard testimony in Sunday School. Never did we imagine that we would get another chance to share and that this would be our story. But... we are on a journey and the Lord does have a plan and it is good.

Vera Bradley

November 6th I turned 35. I knew it would be tough to be 35 but without Carter, it was terrible. I cried most of the day. I was depressed and frustrated and it didn't seem like my birthday. I was so looking forward to my bday this year knowing I was going to be pregnant and would be getting ready for his/her arrival at any time! I wanted to have children before I was 35, but I had at least had the plan that I would be 35 and having my first baby. Anything less than that, just wasn't make me feel fulfilled.

I am a gifts person. When I take Dr. Chapman's love language test, I test high on getting gifts as my love language. After the day I had, it was such a treat to receive the special gift I had specifically asked my husband for, for my bday! (I emailed him a picture of this purse and talked about it all of the time so he wouldn't forget!!) Brent not only gave me the purse, he even bought me a bday cake and wrapped it up. It was pretty funny. He took me to dinner the next night to a restaurant called California Dreaming. We had a special time. The big thing was that he tried so hard to give me such a special weekend regardless of how sad we both felt. It was so sweet. I love you honey.

On that Friday several of my special girlfriends from church took me and my friend Lisa to breakfast at our favorite breakfast place, Mimi's. (Lisa's bday is the day before mine. She is just a little bit older than I am, but to keep our friendship, I will not share her age!! She is a youngster though!! Love ya Lisa) One of my favorite gifts I got that day was from another friend Lisa. Lisa had helped me dry the flowers from Carter's funeral and has been helping me turn them into a wreath. We had so many flowers left over, Lisa took the roses and babies breathe and put them on a small wreath with a little mirror underneath the wreath and a candle resting on top of the mirror. (check out the photo below) On the candle, she engraved Carter's name and birthday. It was so thoughtful and special to me. So although that was not the bday I had wanted, I walked away feeling the Lord's love through my friends and family. I also felt that I will one day celebrate a birthday again with the joy and excitement I have felt so many other times.

Sonscape

Up close deer (we saw 100's of them)
Our group

This is where we ate our meals and fellowshipped

Brent feeding the ducks

Wow, I can't believe it has been so long since I have blogged. There has been so many times that I have thought that I needed to blog something we had been doing, and just didn't have it in me to actually write. Many of you read about our little vacation that Brent and I took for Labor Day weekend. It was such a treat to be offered the opportunity to go out of town, but the vacation itself was not what we needed. A few days after my last blog (middle of October) we received a phone call from some very very precious friends of ours who live in Texas. This couple will never know how much they minister to us in so many little ways even though we don't get to see them very often at all. (We love you guys!) Anyway, they called and told us about a special ministry to ministers that allow you to go and be loved on for a week in the mountains of GA or the mountains of Colorado. We quickly prayed about this opportunity and then began working out the details. The retreat is called Sonscape and is located on the campus of Berry College in Rome GA. They only have this retreat a few times a year in GA. The retreat is designed to give couples a week or lots of free time in order to reconnect with the Lord. There is a couple who works for Sonscape that leads the actually retreat and does 4 days of teaching and then about 6 hours of counseling with each couple. The retreat begins on a Friday and last until the following Friday. They didn't even have church for us to go to. (We both love church, but the time to just spend with the Lord and not be obligated to a church service was so sweet!) The couple that lead our retreat just so happened to be (stay with me here) my best friend Jen Jordans neighbor when she lived in Indiana. This just added to our excitement. We left our sweet Wrigley with a friend and off to Rome we went. Jeannie and Bob. Additionally their is a host family that cooks all of our meals and takes care of any other needs we may have had. Joe and Mickie were our sweet host! We will never forget them for sure.

I really thought that I had been doing so well since Carter's death. I was back at work, I was able to tell his story many times without crying and was actually beginning to smile again. It was like the minute we stepped foot on the campus, the flood gates were open for me and I didn't stop crying the entire week. I had stuffed the pain and anger I was feeling away so that I was able to go on with life. Being out in the woods where you are alone with your thoughts and surrounded by the Lord's creation, true feelings begin to come out. My just kept coming and coming. I felt bad for the other couples who were with us. I am sure they think I never stop crying. I needed that though. I realized that I am so MAD and so ANGRY that I lost my little boy. I am still not at my due date yet, that makes me mad. I still have friends who are fearful of talking to me, that makes me mad. I have lots of people I know that are pregnant and have recently gotten pregnant and that makes me hurt. I am not mad or angry with the Lord just at how much this hurts. I hate feeling angry too. I had hoped to skip that emotion. I know I had fooled several friends who felt like I was doing well (because I told them that). But I wasn't and there are still a lot of days that I am not. I wish some days I could just stay in bed. I wish come days I didn't have to walk past an empty crib. I love holding friends babies, but hate that it isn't my baby. I hate the looks that I get from people afraid of what I may say or do, but hate that people don't ask me how I am. I am so glad we had the chance to go to this retreat so that I can begin to stop and figure out how to move forward.

I have so many other things to blog on, but to keep attention... I will break the blogs up into pieces. I will post pictures of SonScape later.

Light a Candle for Carter and others

Today is October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. At 7:00 pm everyone is asked to light a candle for all of the families that have lost a baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death. I know that there are an insane amount of families who have lost children this way. We will light a candle in their honor and as a way of remembering our son Carter.

Carter - your family misses you and does feel comfort that you are playing in heaven and being loved on by Jesus today. It's been a little over two months since you have been gone and it still feels like yesterday. Lord I want to thank you for each day we had Carter in our lives here on earth. Thank you for the joy I had as a mother to get to know him in such a special way. Lord you are good!! Thank you for the blessings you have given us so far. We are so thankful for all of our friends and family that continue to donate to Carter's memorial fund at North Metro FBC child development center. Carter will always be our "little missionary."

Moving Forward - October 15th, 2008

I had seen several people's websites talking about October 15th being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I have tried to ignore the idea of it because it sounds so terrible to me. Next week is my best friend Jen's birthday and her son's birthday. I really wanted to try and just focus on those joyous occasions, but it seems I can't get away from the reality of the events that have occurred in my life. I get so frustrated when I get taken over by these feelings of anger and hurt. I feel as if I will move several steps forward and then all of a sudden, something will hit me like a hammer and there I am back where I started, living the events of August 9th all over again. It is getting easier to talk about. In fact I can talk about Carter and like to talk about him. But on my terms! Isn't that sound so selfish. It is selfish, but I feel like I have earned that right to be a little selfish for a little time. I still have several friends who are going to be delivery within the next month. I even have a friend who will be having her daughter tomorrow. How bittersweet. I so badly wanted to tell friends how excited I am, but it's hard some days to go up to my pregnant friends knowing that should still be me. Each night when I go to bed, I think maybe tonight will be the night that I won't have a dream or nightmare about Carter. Maybe tonight will be the night that I will go to sleep and wake up and still be pregnant not knowing the sex of the baby that I am carrying. Then I wake, only to realize, the dream is really a reality.

I have laughed again. I have dreamed again. I am looking forward to the day that I can tell my husband we are having another baby. I feel ready to be pregnant again. Not to replace Carter, but to move forward. The Lord continues to fill my life with some many lessons of His goodness and His grace. I am trying to each day remember to trust Him. Each day I am trying to seek to grow closer to His heart and seek out His voice to hear what He desires for me.

Recently Brent and I started to attend a new Sunday School class at church. This was a tough decision, as we had been in our other class for the past year or so. The class had grown so much that they had "birthed" a new class and the time felt right for us to move "up." We are now trying out a class with couples closer to our age. The one thing that God has blown me away with is how in our last class, there were so many girls having their first babies, just like we were. It was perfect timing to be able to compare and talk to the girls about our experiences. After losing Carter, I struggled going back to the class because I did not want to have to face the reality of the fact that life changed so much for us. So after the second Sunday in our new class, we have already meet two families who also lost children in a similar way that we lost Carter! Isn't it just like the Lord to bring you the people you need when you need them!!! Others who have walked in our shoes. I found this poem on the website that tells more information about October 15th, 2008. This speaks to what I feel on so many days! Karen and Jen, maybe instead of lemons I need to go out and buy myself a really UGLY pair of shoes!!!

"An Ugly Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable Shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the other one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in the world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have work the shoes so long that days will go bybefore they think of how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.