Up close deer (we saw 100's of them)
Our group
This is where we ate our meals and fellowshipped
Brent feeding the ducksWow, I can't believe it has been so long since I have blogged. There has been so many times that I have thought that I needed to blog something we had been doing, and just didn't have it in me to actually write. Many of you read about our little vacation that Brent and I took for Labor Day weekend. It was such a treat to be offered the opportunity to go out of town, but the vacation itself was not what we needed. A few days after my last blog (middle of October) we received a phone call from some very very precious friends of ours who live in Texas. This couple will never know how much they minister to us in so many little ways even though we don't get to see them very often at all. (We love you guys!) Anyway, they called and told us about a special ministry to ministers that allow you to go and be loved on for a week in the mountains of GA or the mountains of Colorado. We quickly prayed about this opportunity and then began working out the details. The retreat is called Sonscape and is located on the campus of Berry College in Rome GA. They only have this retreat a few times a year in GA. The retreat is designed to give couples a week or lots of free time in order to reconnect with the Lord. There is a couple who works for Sonscape that leads the actually retreat and does 4 days of teaching and then about 6 hours of counseling with each couple. The retreat begins on a Friday and last until the following Friday. They didn't even have church for us to go to. (We both love church, but the time to just spend with the Lord and not be obligated to a church service was so sweet!) The couple that lead our retreat just so happened to be (stay with me here) my best friend Jen Jordans neighbor when she lived in Indiana. This just added to our excitement. We left our sweet Wrigley with a friend and off to Rome we went. Jeannie and Bob. Additionally their is a host family that cooks all of our meals and takes care of any other needs we may have had. Joe and Mickie were our sweet host! We will never forget them for sure.
I really thought that I had been doing so well since Carter's death. I was back at work, I was able to tell his story many times without crying and was actually beginning to smile again. It was like the minute we stepped foot on the campus, the flood gates were open for me and I didn't stop crying the entire week. I had stuffed the pain and anger I was feeling away so that I was able to go on with life. Being out in the woods where you are alone with your thoughts and surrounded by the Lord's creation, true feelings begin to come out. My just kept coming and coming. I felt bad for the other couples who were with us. I am sure they think I never stop crying. I needed that though. I realized that I am so MAD and so ANGRY that I lost my little boy. I am still not at my due date yet, that makes me mad. I still have friends who are fearful of talking to me, that makes me mad. I have lots of people I know that are pregnant and have recently gotten pregnant and that makes me hurt. I am not mad or angry with the Lord just at how much this hurts. I hate feeling angry too. I had hoped to skip that emotion. I know I had fooled several friends who felt like I was doing well (because I told them that). But I wasn't and there are still a lot of days that I am not. I wish some days I could just stay in bed. I wish come days I didn't have to walk past an empty crib. I love holding friends babies, but hate that it isn't my baby. I hate the looks that I get from people afraid of what I may say or do, but hate that people don't ask me how I am. I am so glad we had the chance to go to this retreat so that I can begin to stop and figure out how to move forward.
I have so many other things to blog on, but to keep attention... I will break the blogs up into pieces. I will post pictures of SonScape later.
I really thought that I had been doing so well since Carter's death. I was back at work, I was able to tell his story many times without crying and was actually beginning to smile again. It was like the minute we stepped foot on the campus, the flood gates were open for me and I didn't stop crying the entire week. I had stuffed the pain and anger I was feeling away so that I was able to go on with life. Being out in the woods where you are alone with your thoughts and surrounded by the Lord's creation, true feelings begin to come out. My just kept coming and coming. I felt bad for the other couples who were with us. I am sure they think I never stop crying. I needed that though. I realized that I am so MAD and so ANGRY that I lost my little boy. I am still not at my due date yet, that makes me mad. I still have friends who are fearful of talking to me, that makes me mad. I have lots of people I know that are pregnant and have recently gotten pregnant and that makes me hurt. I am not mad or angry with the Lord just at how much this hurts. I hate feeling angry too. I had hoped to skip that emotion. I know I had fooled several friends who felt like I was doing well (because I told them that). But I wasn't and there are still a lot of days that I am not. I wish some days I could just stay in bed. I wish come days I didn't have to walk past an empty crib. I love holding friends babies, but hate that it isn't my baby. I hate the looks that I get from people afraid of what I may say or do, but hate that people don't ask me how I am. I am so glad we had the chance to go to this retreat so that I can begin to stop and figure out how to move forward.
I have so many other things to blog on, but to keep attention... I will break the blogs up into pieces. I will post pictures of SonScape later.
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