Rainbows

This was actually a double rainbow, but I could not seem to get a good picture of it! It's still awesome.

Leading up to Carter's birthday I had begged the Lord to give me peace. Of course, HE DID!! I began to feel a relief that the first major milestone was finally here and gone and I was able to stand strong during that time. Leading up to his birthday, I had prayed, prepared my heart and really focused on the Lord so that I would be able to celebrate all that God has done this year. Then, I began to forget. I began to allow myself to take control again and thought that since that one day was gone, I was cleared of any additional emotional breakdowns that might occur. Oh was I wrong. I had 7 meltdowns in 7 days. It was never about Carter, but it was about me letting my guard down and believing the lie that I was able to handle things alone! What a reminder that I need Christ more than ever to walk me through my day. Even if I had never gone through what we had this past year, the reality of needing a savior is so real in my life. I would say one thing the Lord has really shown me in my life, is just when I think I am in the clear of being able to handle "life" I am quickly reminded... I could never walk a single day without Jesus in my life.


The most wonderful reminder of the Lord showed in front of my house last week. We have had some afternoon/evening storms this past week. One night we were certain it was about to really storm. The sky was very black, the trees began to sway, and the wind was so strong... it was obvious it was going to rain. Instead, the most beautiful reminder of the Lord's promises and love shone bright in the sky!! The storm never happened. Instead TWO rainbows filled the sky. I tried to catch the beauty on my camera, although the camera could never do this sight justice. Thank you Lord for the rainbows in our days. It was a wonderful reminder to me, never think that I can face storms alone. I always need a savior to face each day, storm or no storm! The fact is I NEED JESUS!! What a blessing to know that He will NEVER leave me or forsake me!! God is good all the time, even when I am not.

What a week (and it's only Wednesday)

I can't believe Sunday came and went. Just like that, a year has past since Carter's birth and death. I have to say that I made it through Sunday without tears (I began to well up during a song at church, but didn't break down). Many reading this may feel like that is heartless and cold. You have to understand, I begged the Lord to give us peace. I begged the Lord to make Carter's first birthday a celebration of his life here on earth and even more importantly now in heaven. Of course GOD DID IT!!! The cemetery was hot, but so peaceful and beautiful. We had such a wonderful day on Sunday. It was a true blessing. Friday will be a year since I last saw my sweet boy face to face. It will be one year since I was able to hold him in my arms. It will be a year since I last touched his face and kissed his sweet fingers and toes. As I look back on the year, I came smile and say... thank you Lord. You are good. Although, during this week, it has been hard. I had a special friend of mine, miscarry a baby last night. She actually lost her son last summer as well, and now suffered a miscarriage. It was such a blessing to me to be able to minister to her last night and love her and her husband. It was a gift that God would allow me to be used to minister to other women who also are going through this struggle of loss.

God placed a message in my heart last night that I placed on my facebook page. As I went throughout my day today, counseling several families who are contemplating divorce, or have been through loss themselves, God kept bringing this message to my heart.

I am so glad I serve a God who is bigger than my biggest enemy... greater than my greatest trial... more mighty than my most painful loss...and more awesome than my finite mind could ever imagine!! Now that is what I call victory!!

Happy Birthday Carter

Happy 1st Birthday with Jesus Baby! Your mom and Dad praise the Lord for you!! (and so do all your grandparents and auntie/aunts!)

Opening Ceremony

As Brent was out watering the garden tonight , I couldn't help but think back to one year ago, what I was doing. (not so much about the date, but the day) I had spent the day with my friend Lisa and her son Seth at the movies. Brent had made dinner for us, and we both had been so excited about the opening ceremony of the 2008 Olympics. I laid down on the sofa telling Brent I was not feeling well. I finally decided that I would go upstairs and try to lay down in bed and relax and even fall asleep early, if possible. It had been a tough few days, full of stress and worry at how my pregnant body was not doing what it was supposed to be doing. After I had gotten in my own bed, the pain I was having got worse. Brent was exhausted and I told him to go to sleep and I would sleep in the other bed so that I would not wake him. I watch the Opening Ceremony for a second time before I was unable to stand the pain I had in my lower back much longer. I went in our room to wake up Brent and tell him I needed his help. I thought if he could rub my back or just put Bengay on my legs and back, I would feel better. I took two baths before the night was over. Sleep didn't come for most of the night. I may have slept for about 30 minutes here and there, but the pain kept coming and going. Of course now looking back, I can see that I was in the beginning stages of labor. If I had only known, maybe I would have made a different choice to go to the hospital sooner. If I had only known what I know now, maybe I would have called the doctor in the middle of the night and been more persistent and what I was feeling. If I had only known, maybe I would have chosen a different path to follow that night. BUT I didn't know. Sometimes I feel like that on this journey. Maybe if I had only known what I was about to endure this past year, I would have prepared better. I would have spent more time with the Lord, preparing my heart to be ready for what was to come. If I had only known I would have tried to create a different outcome. But I didn't know. Just another lesson that the Lord has taught me this year. I don't know what tomorrow holds. I don't know the future. I don't know His plans for my life. But I do know what it takes to be obedient. I do know what he has called me to do today. I strive more now to know Him more. I realize it doesn't change life; it won't change my circumstances; it won't make me less sad, or even make me less likely to head into the middle of a storm. But what it does do, is allows me to have a more intimate relationship with my Father. It brings me closer to the creator of my life and my story. It gives me peace during the biggest of storms, the toughest of days, as well as the greatest of moments that I experience. This night one year ago, was not only the Opening Ceremony to the Olympics the world would watch, but it became the opening ceremony for the journey we would walk for the rest of our lives. The lesson is, that I know who wins. I look forward to the day when we are able to stand on the podium before our judge and know that the award of eternal life and a life of obedience was worth the journey! Until that day, we will keep running this race, with our eye on the prize. For that makes this journey worth it!!

I Will Rise

This past Sunday our pastor invited "The Three Guys" to come worship with us during the service. These guys are not famous, and I don't even think they have anything recorded, but are just guys that were obedient to come worship and sing for us. They sang Chris Tomlin's song I Will Rise! It was awesome and just what we needed this very week. Dr. Cox talked about the appointment moment we all will face when the Lord calls us home. The Sunday before we had one of our Sunday School teachers pass away from a heart aneurysm. Dr. Cox asked us what if this was the last Sunday we were at church. Last year on that very Sunday was Carter's "last Sunday" at church. Little did we know that this would be our final week with our precious son.

During the same sermon, our pastor made another statement that reminded me of a simple truth that helped me see this past year in a different light. He said that when someone we love pass away, we don't need to say we lost them. To say that we lost someone means that we don't know where they are. I am confident where Carter is today. He is dancing in the precious of Jesus. He also reminded us that death is not the worse thing that can happen to us, if we know the Lord and have a relationship with Him. I think that has been so much of the comfort that I have felt this week. I have prayed for weeks for the Lord to give me peace this week. And HE HAS!! Like I said so many things are reminding me of last year. Even today, which was the day that I was calling my doctor so overwhelmed with anxiety. One of the doctors told me to go about my day and forget about what was happening. (as if you can do that!) So I went to have lunch with Brent at Subway. Today... one year later, I babysat Cody. For the first time all summer long, we decided TODAY, to bring Brent subs for lunch. Although the restaurant wasn't the same, sitting, and eating subs with Brent brought me back to that day again. Isn't that awesome how the Lord doesn't allow us to forget the precious moments in our lives, even the ones that can be seen as "scary." It was a reminder to me that I won't forget my first born son. God will always give me little snippets to remind me of the events during that week. Not to allow me to be depressed, or discouraged, but to remind me of the gift that I had been given on August 9, 2008. I KNOW, let me say it again, I KNOW, God has, is and will use the life of my son for His glory!

A verse that meant so much to us during our pregnancy with Carter and even after Carter's homecoming, was: "We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all surpassing power if from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed, perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned, struck down, but not destroyed... Therefore we do not lose heart..." "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 4:7-9, 16; 12:9

No matter what we were going through (the shock of being pregnant, or the fear of how we would support another life. The overwhelming grief of seeing your child pass from this life into the arms of Jesus.) No matter what, we know that God's grace is sufficient. I posted the lyrics to Chris Tomlin's song. I will try to figure out how to post the video soon (for some reason I can't figure it out today.) The words really ministered to me. It reminded me that one day, all will be made right in this world. When Jesus comes again, we will be whole. We will celebrate and worship. We will spend eternity without death or suffering. For now, we must realize that this is not our world. The suffering we have is not because of God, but because of the sin of this world. Why does the Lord allow the death of my baby and yet allow the birth of a child addicted to cocaine? Why does the Lord allow the death of my baby and yet allow the birth of a child to a 14 year old teenager? Why does the Lord allow the death of my baby and yet allow the birth of a child to a family who shakes their child or abuses them? Why? Because of sin! The Lord allows yes, but does not make it happen. I truly believe if God could teach me all that I need to learn this year any other way than allowing Carter to die, he would. But this is the journey he has for us. This is our story. God's not done writing our story. Until I take my final breathe on this side of eternity, my story will still be written. I just pray that God uses me and my story for his glory. The Lord is allowing me to share my story with more women who have walked this journey or are just entering into this journey. I pray that I will never pass up a time to share all that the Lord has done in my life, using the life of a son, a baby. My baby.... Carter!

"I Will Rise"

There's a peace I've come to know

Though my heart and flesh may fail

There's an anchor for my soul

I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome

And the grave is overwhelmed

The victory is won

He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:] And I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God fall on my knees

And rise I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near

When this darkness breaks to light

And the shadows disappear

And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome

And the grave is overwhelmed

The victory is won

He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:] And I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God fall on my knees

And rise I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,

"Worthy is the Lamb"

And I hear the cry of every longing heart,

"Worthy is the Lamb" [x2]

[Chorus:] And I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God fall on my knees

And rise I will rise

The Beginning...

I was in a leadership meeting at church tonight, standing in line to get dinner, when it hit me... I have been here before. I had been in that line before, around the same people, standing in the same line. I realized that it was exactly a year ago tonight, that we began the "storm" that we have been in during this past year. One year ago tonight, we had the exact same leadership meeting, with the same exact food (catered by Outback Steakhouse) and I had stood in the same line, headed out the same door, and was surrounded by some of the same people. The difference... last year I was pregnant with my first child Carter and tonight I don't have Carter. Last year I was talking to girls all around me about the different test that we had been through all ready as pregnant first time moms. (there were several other girls at that same time who were having first babies.) Tonight, I was surrounded by people sharing how we had been on their heart this week and knew Sunday will be Carter's first birthday in heaven. It is hard to believe that it has been a year already.

One year ago I went to bed feeling fine (except feeling pregnant and lots of kicking from my unborn son.) I was woken at 4:30 in the morning by the beginning of my water breaking. Except that was not possible, because water can't break during your 22nd week of pregnancy. (at least that is what I told myself). It was the beginning of many phone calls to friends, family and doctors offices trying to figure out what I needed to do next. There seemed to be so many questions and only a lot of guesses at what the problem could have been. As the day progressed the pain that had suddenly began started to get worse and then would go away. I was in a stage of confusion and more panic that I had been up until that day. I felt that something was wrong but wanted so desperately for things to be fine, that I had a hard time believing something was not right. I didn't know what the future held that day or night. How quickly things changed from me having a great time talking to new friends about this most wonderful experience that we were about to have.

Tonight the friends I have are different. They are friends not afraid to talk to me, they are friends that are not afraid of what I may say or do during a sad moment. They are just Jesus to me! My church family and many friends I see daily have become family to me. Not because my own family isn't my family, but because my church family and other Christian brothers and sisters have really radiated Jesus to me.

I have so much that I can look back on a see the Lord's blessings and His hand in our journey. Just tonight was one of the many many things that have occurred. The friendships I have developed over the past year have been life saving, and so precious to me. It's hard for me to think about this terrible day without also thinking about all the good that began that day. God was just on the verge of doing something wonderful and great in over lives. I wouldn't have understood what that was on that day. But soon I would find out. Not even that I understand that completely today, one year later, but one day I will be able to see the ALL of the gifts and blessings the Lord had in store for our lives.

Sunday will be Carter's first heavenly birthday. I have to say I am excited about it. I am of course sad and so wish that we could have him be a part of this party. But... I am excited to have a little celebration. (I realize that I may feel different as the week progress's, but I have asked the Lord to give me a peace that can only be of Him this week, so that I can walk through this week as a reflection of His goodness, grace and mercy! He does provide!) I am excited to celebrate Carter's little life and the difference it made in me. That makes it worth it. Holding Carter for 1 hr 21 min alive and then 24 hours after he had passed... made it worth it. Thank you Jesus for the storms of our lives and the treasures that you teach us through each storm.