I was so excited to tell my blog friends that WE ARE PREGNANT!!! (I have been wanting to blog this for 5 weeks now!)
BUT... we found out today at our first dr appointment that our baby stopped growing at 6 weeks (we are 8 weeks now). At our ultrasound today, our doctor shared that there was no longer a heart beat and our baby had passed. I had never gotten a real peace about this baby. I begged the Lord to allow everything to be okay. I really wanted to believe that it would be okay, but as soon as the Ultrasound begun today, I knew something was wrong. They believe Baby Spears passed last week. As of right now, I still have no signs of miscarrying. With the help of our doctor, we have chosen to allow a natural miscarriage to occur. Although, if we do not miscarry in 2 1/2 weeks, I will have a D&C. (I really don't want that) I wanted to show you the message that I had prepared and the story behind this sweet baby, even though this is not what we expected to be sharing today.
On August 17, 2008 I posted a blog called Joy through Tears. Our pastor told us at Carter's funeral to look for a joy for the tears we have shed since we lost our little boy Carter. Brent and I thought it was such a sweet gift that Carter lived for 1 hr and 21 minutes because Brent was born on 1-21! Well, again that day has become significant in our family again. On Brent's bday (1-21) this year... we found out that we are PREGNANT!!!! We are due October 3rd.
Now we need you to keep praying for us!
* Pray first and foremost for a quick and safe miscarriage.
* Pray for our anxiety (especially Jenna) I am having to battle fear of so much right now as well as a lot of hurt.
* Our doctor has said that we have a lot to be thankful for. There is nothing indicating that I can not have another baby and we can try again as soon as 6 weeks from now.
* Pray for us as we continue to grieve the loss of Carter and now the loss of our second baby
* Pray as we continue to seek out peace. Once again, we cannot trace God's hand, but we trust His heart.
* Pray that this is the last deposit that we make in heaven as far as the Spears children.
Brent and I both so desperately desire to be Godly parents. We want so much to have children of our own. In fact we both feel called to be parents. Right now, we are hurt, confused, mad and sad that we are having to walk this journey again. This is so different than the loss we experienced with Carter. But at the same time the pain is so similar and disappointment is so familiar to us. Some times it is so hard to really walk out the faith we have in Lord. At the same time, I know that He loves us so much and wants to bless us. We will, no matter what trust Him, even when it hurts!!
5 comments:
Oh girl. I am so so sorry. I know it's so hard to deal with such an intense roller coaster of emotions - from sheer joy to deep sadness. It almost leaves you in a confused fog, wondering what just happened. Hang in there. I am praying for you guys. And please know that, although I am a friend from blog-world, you are more than welcome to call or email me anytime. Email me for my number if you need me. In the meantime, it's ok to be sad. Just keep focused on Him. Remember that He is holding you right here right now, leading you through what He knows (and we will know eventually) is a beautifully-orchestrated life. Sending big hugs your way!
This is casey. I'm so sorry. I'm aching and my heart is breaking and my soul is sighing for you. ~ Jesus, come and make our world new, abolish the already defeated death, banish tears for all eternity. Because we don't know how long we can hang on and suffer through this... we hate death! But even if you wait, sustain us to trust and cling to You. amen.
For now, just breathe, and cry often and give YOURSELF grace and mercy. that's hardest.
I had a panic attack the other day and I told Dan "this doesn't happen to me... I don't "believe" in this". But he reminded me that I'm fighting at base levels of sorrow and grief and that it's physical as well as spiritual.
Keep fighting but don't have expectations of what that looks like.
This is a different loss and a different experience. This is new, you don't have a category for what this is suppossed to be like. Understand that. understand that you won't understand even yourself much less everything else around you. It's okay.
Just breathe. Just be. He won't leave you and He is fully capeable of handling your every confused thought or terrible day or muddled mind and "stalled" spiritual life. (it's far from stalled... it's thriving even in the raw ugliness of it all)
I love you and am praying for you and brent.
Casey
Dear Spears family,
I am so terribly sorry for your heartache! I know that words are so inadequate, but I suppose I just wanted to share that God brought me to your site tonight and to the reading of this post. And I see it as a chance for me to join in prayer for you! May the Lord's empower and comforting grace surround you both! Kerry Hasenbalg
"We will, no matter what, trust Him even when it hurts!" are words which can come only from the life of one who is righteous and wise in Christ Jesus! And I am confident He will see you through and bring beauty from these ashes which He has entrusted to you, His faithful ones. But again, I am so terribly sorry and I am constantly thinking of you and praying for you even though I have never met you. Lord, carry my sister through with your powerful grace and strong and loving heavenly arms! Thank you that this little one's heart and soul are being safely protected by You! Kerry Hasenbalg
Words fail me right now to express how much my heart aches for you and Brent. Justin and I were just talking yesterday after the boys' last b'ball game how much we hope for you both to be able to experience parenthood and all the joys (sometimes heartache!) it brings. You and Brent have our utmost admiration and respect for the Godly examples you set and they way you glorify God even through the dark times. I had NO idea this was going on in your lives. I KNOW you will one day hold another sweet baby in your arms.....know you are much prayed for as you find your way through your heartache.
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