Getting close

The closer we get to Avery coming, the more anxious I become to find out what is going on with her. And begging God to have healed her 100%!   I know that no matter what this is a miracle baby.  But...the closer we get the more nervous I get that she will indeed have Turners Syndrome or something else.  I know I will love her and just be so excited to have this perfect beautiful baby, but my heart is torn and full of anxiety of what is to come.  I hate even admitting this, as if this is some kind of admission to a lack of faith.  In fact it brings me to tears to give into this fear or "disappointment."  You just pray and hope that you will have a healthy baby and never imagine that all the things we went through can happen.  Not only was all the trials we walked through to have children not been a dream of mine, but it took me by surprise that I would ever have to walk through anything like this!! I have always seen my life as simple.  I remember different people in my family giving me a hard time as we were growing up that I was the child that never had to struggle or suffer with anything.  Life had always appeared to be easy for me.  Of course we know that, that isn't true.  Because what may have looked easy to some, was a trial to me. But, I often bought into the lie and thought that nothing could ever happen bad to me.  In fact that if I prayed, or wished for it, in someway I would get it.  And normally would get it with ease.  I was reading a book the other while waiting for a client talking about how we all have a little bit of that feeling that we are untouchable.  We would never be affected by disease, death, pain, suffering, sorrow, or just hard times.  It makes you grateful for what we do have.

So forgive my rawness today.  The exhaustion and heat of pregnancy has gotten to me!  I have not been able to 100% find a perfect moment to stop working, mostly because I hate stopping a doing nothing right now.  I fear I may regret the time I should be resting when I have a little girl that doesn't want to sleep at night within a few weeks!  That sounds crazy to say.  Brent and I have continued to be hit with the reality that soon our lives will never be the same.  The idea that we will be parents to a little girl that comes to live with us in our home and that we are responsible for raising is mind blowing! We both feel like parents already since having Carter, but since we didn't get the honor of bringing him home, the idea of getting to have Avery in our house forever... still catches us off some days!