Looking for something new for 2011

My plan is to update this blog and do a little redesign before 2011 gets started.  Be looking for changes, updates on the Spears and all that we have been up to!

Perfect

I have had so much on my plate in the last few weeks.  But, I need more.  We have been praying about ways to increase the amount of clients that I see each day, so that we can get even more serious about being debt free.  We have also been talking a lot about just the frustration and pain each month that goes by that we are still not pregnant.  But again, the cost of going to a specialist and starting that process is overwhelming.  For me, it has been almost an obsession for me the last few days.  Then last night, it was like the Lord just spoke out loud to me!!  I couldn't help sobbing.  As my husband lay in bed watching the football game on TV, I opened up my devotional book.   I had to read it out loud because of how perfect it was for Brent and I.  Of course, I couldn't even get half the words out through my tears, but the message penetrated my heart for sure.  I have been reading a book by Sarah Young and Sept 6th says: (the Lord is talking)

DO EVERYTHING IN DEPENDENCE ON ME.  The desire to act independently-apart from Me - springs from the root of pride.  Self-sufficiency is subtle, insinuating its way into your thoughts and actions without your realizing it.  But apart from ME YOU CAN DO Nothing that is, nothing of eternal value.  My deepest desire for you is that you learn to depend on Me in EVERY SITUATION.  I move heaven and earth to accomplish this purpose, but you must collaborate with Me in this training.  Teaching you would be simple if I negated your free will or overwhelmed you with My power.  However, I love you too much to withdraw the godlike privilege I bestowed on you as My image-bearer.  Use your freedom wisely, by relying on ME CONSTANTLY.  Thus you enjoy MY PRESENCE and MY PEACE.

What perfect timing that was for me.  Isn't it funny, that nothing has changed.  I am still not pregnant, we still need to increase our income, I still need a newer car that can get me from place to place, I still need to lose more weight...faster, I still need to make major decisions in our lives about a long list of things that need to be done now... BUT what has changed is that I need to remember to DO EVERYTHING DEPENDING ON HIM!  Which free's me up from everything. 

Taking today for what it is

Friday night we had some of our favorite kids spend the night with us before our big tubing trip!  As we were putting them all the bed we stopped to pray.  I asked the girls if they had anything special to pray about.  They both said that they would like to pray what they always pray for at night.  So I encouraged them both to pray and that Brent and I would close in prayer.  Both girls, as part of their routine, asked God to give "Brent and Jenna a baby!"  God continues to teach me so much through children. Even though this waiting process continues to be so hard, I am glad that I am able to stop and learn little life lessons along the way.

I feel like sometimes my life appears to be consumed with the fact that we are having trouble having kids. It makes me feel shallow some times.  I know that sounds crazy, but I often feel convicted on the fact that I am always seeking the future.  I don't want to live for the future, but for the present.  I want to treasure the moments that we have as we finish teaching our 2nd grade Sunday School class. I want to cherish the moments as I pray with a client who is struggling with their salvation or a heavy burden in their life.  I want to cherish the moments that I am on the treadmill with special girlfriends just talking about the healthy dinner choice we made last night or the fun evening with our family we had. I want to cherish what God has given me to do today.  I want to seek to learn more about the moment He has called me to in the right now.  I have said this before, how I can often get ahead of myself and wish my day away. God continues to show me that His grace is enough, for today.  So live in today and live it to the fullest!! 

Summer

Life is flying by us again. I some how end up thinking back to when... or what would life be like if... The trouble with those statements is that I always get into trouble when I play the what if game. I believe that "if" if was going to happen, then it would have happened. But because of the sovereignty of God, than what is happening in my life now, is part of God's plan and because of that... it is good. I can say that after a 1 year 11 months after losing Carter, or 1 year after losing baby number two, or 6 months after losing baby number three, the pain isn't as fresh each day. I can say that I have more good days than bad days. In fact, I notice the sun shinning more seek out ways to do things that I used to love to do. Before Carter, I LOVED to cook. It brought me joy to cook something new and fun. Since Carter, cooking was a little overwhelming. I could do it, but it didn't have the same excitement as before. THAT excitement is back again. I am finally feeling like me again. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Lord!

I have seeking ways to make better decisions for my life. Brent and I have been working out at the gym since last October. We love it. But, our gym is around the corner from the cemetery. The gym is towered over by the hospital Carter was born and died in. The gym is in an area of town that has a way of making me sad. So I switched locations. As it turned out, my trainer and my best girls friends all go to other location anyway, so it made more sense for us. The drive to the other gym is further from our house, but closer to Brent's work. I honestly don't care about the drive, because getting to sweat and chat with girlfriends is the highlight of my week. Not to mention my friends have the sweetest kids that can just say my name and I melt right into all of their little hands!!!

During a baby dedication at the church the other night, I began to in vision the day when we are able to have a baby and baby dedication service. I started to cry thinking about it. Not so much because I was sad, but more because I became so overwhelmed at how many people are praying for us. Not just saying they are praying, but praying weekly, daily, several times a day for us to have a baby! Not just adults praying, but sweet girls and boys at our church and in our life that are praying! I can't explain to you the feeling that comes from knowing that before your child has even been thought about, there are friends and family members that are begging the Lord on our behalf to bless us with children. That blows me away.

We are so very blessed. Blessed in more ways that I can list (mostly because I will cry before I type the first word!) I can't thank the Lord enough for all He has done in our lives these past three years! We have learned so much and we have grown so much.

The Lord is so so good. I just get excited to be able to share with others all that he has done in our lives, using a sweet little baby born, who weighed a little more than a pound named Carter. In fact I have clients that can't remember my name, but know the name of my son. That is compliment in my book for sure!

God uses it all

Tomorrow we are going to attend the funeral of a 2 1/2 month old little baby boy from our church that fell asleep this week in his home, and woke up in the arms of the Lord. I can feel the pain of this family, as we sat in the same seat this family will sit in almost 2 years ago. It's so tough to imagine that any one else has to walk through the same experience that we walked and continue to walk. But, the incredible thing about the Lord is how he allows me - us- believers to use what may appear to be the terrible life events for His good. I am confident that tomorrow I will be able to pray for this family understanding the sick feeling in the pit of their stomachs knowing what that day means. I feel as if I will be able to look that mother in the eyes and let you know that through a different situation, I know what it's like to have your child live in the arms of Jesus instead of our own arms. I continue to pray that God will use Carter's life and what I have learned through these past two years to help others. I can see how once again, God is uses it all. The ugly head of death of a baby, the pain and sorrow of grief, and the torment of waiting for the day when healing will come of our hearts - ultimately the day when we see Jesus. And as parents of a child that is already with Jesus, we can understand that longing to see the face of Christ and our baby again. As you read this, please take a second to pray for this family and the journey they have ahead of them. Pray for them as God will change their lives and grow them as He has done in our lives these past two years.

Summer is almost here

As soon as I think I am about to commit to blog on a more regular basis, life happens. I seem to be running in so many directions some days that the last thing on my mind (really) at night is, oh I forgot to blog about this day.

I guess nothing really over exciting has come up for us in the past few weeks since my last entry. But again, those are always the days that I seem to walk away with the most. A lot of what God has been teaching us through these days of waiting and waiting and waiting, is patience and meaning what we say. Praying for other friends who have loss babies like we have and yet getting the wonderful news that they are now expecting. Having the honor of praying for them and with them and for them helps us with our walk with the Lord and also is encouraging to us that God has a plan for us and we feel like it will include more children.

I proclaimed on this mother's day that this would be the LAST mothers day I would be spend wtihout a child. Isn't so silly how we can make such BIG statements telling God what He needs to do?

Once again, my sweet husband made sure the day was special for me and that I would be reminded that I am a mother. (sometimes you feel a little silly and discouraged on those days when there's nothing to hold on to). Brent always treats me like a princess, and this year was no different.

We both feel like the Lord is preparing us for something and something sooner than later. No idea what that is, but it's just what we keep sensing. As summer approaches, my work often decreases (not sure why summer means less counseling needs)? We hope that we are able to use these days to continue to minister, love on others, and continue the preparation for whatever He has planned. I can tell you this.... I know that part of this plan must have to do with working out at the gym! Or at least I hope so! Brent and I have been working out for months now, and although we both feel better and see changes, the process of getting healthy is tough somedays. Especially days when I tell Brent... nothing will solve this issues, except for a reese's peanut butter cup. So far he has never given in to that temptation.

Before the Morning

I sometimes associate this blog with so much pain. I think that is why often I ignore it or even avoid writing how I feel. There is so much hurt, sorrow, pain, frustration we have daily. But then there is still that hope I deal with on a daily basis. I have a false sense that I need to be strong and just keep plugging away with life to be a witness for others. And there are days that I can do that. Then some days I can't go a few minutes without the tears coming so easy. I feel defeated. I feel hopeless. Not a hopeless as in the Lord has forgotten me and my desires and dreams, but a hopeless that maybe we are supposed to have chidren here on earth. THEN... the next minute I hold onto Psalms 37:4... knowing God will give us the desires of our hearts.


I started the above blog in Feb. and still haven't posted it. But then this week, God showed me something powerful. I seemed to have a running theme with my clients right now. I have seen a lot of hopeless families, couples that are defeated in their marriages, and a lot of people questioning why their life is so frustrating. I would be lying if I said I never had that thought. I started to ask the Lord to really give me a freshness from His Word and to show me His way of seeing life. And of course He did!

If your like me, I often try to do the same things again and again and just hope life turns out different. I began to realize Friday's were really rough days for me. I don't work on Fridays, I usually have very little interactions with friends, I am normally so tired I am just ready to throw in the towel for the week, and feel defeated. I often make things worse by heading to the cemetary which brings me down more. But this week, I made some changes. I worked out with friends today instead of on Monday. I have a list of things that need to be done before tomorrow. Already I feel strength.

On my way home from the gym I heard this song on radio and knew God was speaking to me. It also brought clients and friends to my mind to stop and pray for. It was exactly what I needed. The song is "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson. My favorite line in the whole song is: The Pain that your feeling, CAN'T compare to the joy that's coming!! Isn't that awesome. To think that the pain that God has allowed in my life, or your life if NOTHING compared to the joy we have coming. That gets me so excited. The pain that I am feeling is just the dark before the morning. With morning comes new mercies each day. So I just have to dare to believe. I don't just dare to believe.... I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE!!!! I know I serve a God who knows me, loves me and wants GOOD stuff for me. Thank you Jesus! Praise you Jesus. Thank you Jesus!!

Josh Wilson - Before The Morning

History Made!

New Orleans will always have a special place in our hearts! It is the birth place of my dad (Jenna's dad)...the city we met some of our best friends...the place I (Jenna) first laid eyes on my best friend and husband...the place I had my first official date...the city we got the best education from the best seminary in the US...the city where we met some of the most Godly men and women and mentors...the city that may have looked ugly and dirty on the outside, but is full of some of the neatest people with the neatest stories...a city that was destroyed by hurricane Katrina...and now the city that represents the winners of the Superbowl 2010!! We love our Saints.

Brent and I had such an awesome day celebrating just the fact that the Saints were in the Superbowl. We made and ate some of our favorite foods from a city that is so special in our hearts! We had shrimp po-boys for lunch. Then crawfish corn soup and beignets for dinner (with a little bit of nachos as well. We had to have a little bit of superbowl food in there.) The fact that the Saints won... Lagniappe!!! (it means a little something extra! Another fun Cajun word!)

WE LOVE YOU NEW ORLEANS AND WE LOVE THE SAINTS!!! WHO DAT BABY... WHO DAT!!!!!!! History was made tonight for sure!!!

Hide and Seek

Not even sure what to say right now. I guess I always believe that my blog should be used when I have lots of good stuff happening in my life. But right now... life isn't so much fun. In fact the circumstances of my life really sort of stink. This is when having your own business makes you panic a little. I am blessed that I know the Lord always provides for us. He knows what time of year it is. He knows that January comes after December when we have more to pay for and more expenses go out rather then cash coming in. I know He know that.
I also know that He knew what would happen to this baby. He knew that once again we would experience another loss. He knew that. I am not sure really this purpose of it all. In my weakest moments, I keep feeling like maybe there is something I am not getting. Maybe I am not learning some lesson that I need to learn. I think sometimes I am missing something and until I figure out that aspect of my life then and only then will the Lord bless me with the Desire of my heart.

When we lost Carter I bought all kinds of books in order to deal with the hurt in my heart and in my whole body. It wasn't until the week that I even really sat down and looked at the book. I picked up a devotional companion called "Grieving the Child I never knew." The first chapter - first day... had my name written on the top line. It is called "Hide - And - Seek" I like this game because for me... it helps. I have this idea right now that helping others will somehow make my pain go away. Or at least camouflage it. I feel like there are days that people get tired of all that we are going through. Almost as if to say... isn't two times enough for us to give you support and sympathy. Of course this again is the lie that I tell myself. And maybe there are those that feel that way. Not sure why I feel the need to feel guilty for there frustration!

I myself have learned so much about the process of grief. I learned (as I was reminded by my friend Sally the other day) not to ask people what they need but to make myself available to them.
1. Not to ask if they would like dinner, but to tell them I am bringing dinner over.
2. Not to take it personally if someone is not in the mood to talk or leave the house... to go at their pace.
3. Not to say let me know if there is anything I can do... but look for ways I can serve. Tell them I will be over to clean there house, or wash their clothes or watch their child while they are resting or going to a dr. appointment.

There are so many other lessons that I am learning this third time around. I believe the way I minister and counsel is changing too. I sometimes think I could have read this in a book or watched someone else go through this and still learned the same thing... but I guess that is me lying to myself.

I Peter 4:12 says "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as through something strange were happening to you." This just says to me... Jenna your not crazy and that trails and storms will come. How will I face them.

Each time we suffer a loss, Brent and I have noticed that there are themes. Carter the theme verse was "your grace is sufficient." And was it ever! The last time it seemed for me to be "Be still and know that I am God." This time it is one of my favorite verses that comes up again and again: Psalms 37:4: If you delight yourself in the Lord HE WILL give you the desires of your heart."

Lord my desire is to have my own children to raise to be children who are sold out for you! I desire to delight myself in you. I desire to make my desires your desires. Even in my hurt, sadness, anger and pain... I don't want to run away and hide... I want to grow and seek you!

And Again

I had just fussed at myself last week for not keeping up with this blog. But in a way I was scared to write. Today my fears were confirmed. At 6 weeks and 6 days we saw the beautiful beating heart of our sweet baby. Today at 9 weeks and 5 days, we were told that once again our baby fell asleep in my womb and woke in the arms of Jesus. We believe the baby passed on Sunday, as that is the first day I stopped having some of the intense pregnancy symptoms. We will never know. We were able to see that this baby had a genetic issue that caused the baby to stop growing. That in a strange way brings comfort to Brent and I as we worry that as we are getting older that there is something wrong with us causing us to not be able to carry a baby to full term. Our doctor confirmed today, as they did the last time, that this just happens. There is nothing that we did and nothing that we can do.

I really really want to be strong and quote some incredible words of scripture. But right now, I am so confused and just really really mad that I am taking comfort in the fact that the Lord loves us and on our behalf family and friends are praying. We have again chosen to wait at home until the baby miscarries. We will again wait until the Lord allows us to get pregnant again. We don't want to give up on our dream and desire to have children. Today.... this is harder than other days.

I looked forward to the day when true answers will come and I can understand more more about why suffering has to occur. I guess until that day comes.... I will just trust and wait.