Small changes

 Special toybox passed down to us by special friends.

 Perfect sign for us!

Lambey her "lovie" given to her by her Daddy

Excited daddy 

 Handmade bedding

Room is just missing Avery Grayce!

So today's doctor's appointment went well, and we are officially on track for this baby to be here!  We are 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced.  But as many of you already know, that could mean nothing!  We are really praying that Avery will show up even before we are induced, but we at least have an end date in sight.  So it's officially 2 weeks from today (14 days) that we will be on our way to bringing home Avery.  Can't believe it's almost here.  Her room is done and just waiting for her.  Below are a few pictures we took this weekend.  Keep praying.

Survey

So I have wanted to do this kind of post this whole time, but was too anxious to say anything because we were so unsure if everything would turn out okay.  I was put on bed rest this week because of some slight blood pressure issues.  So now Brent has to clean, cook, work and do everything for us.  He's amazing.  So as I am resting I thought I would be brave and post a survey.  So here goes!

1. How far along? 35 weeks 4 days


2. Total weight gain - 18 lbs (UGH!)
3. Maternity clothes - Oh you mean they still make non maternity clothes?  I feel like I have worn maternity forever!

4. Stretch marks - No major ones

5. Sleep - What is that? 

6. Best moment this week - getting my hair done.

7. Worst moment - Being put on bed rest.  It hurts to lay down as much as it hurts to stand up and walk around. 

8. Movement -  NON STOP!  I thought when I got to this point that she would slow down a little.  No way.  This week she has been crazy.  In fact, we watched her grab her legs and then let them go.  A fun game for her maybe, but for me, major uncomfortable and painful at times.

9. Food Cravings - I have not had anything really consistent in this area.  Depends on the day.  I can eat ice cream, which when I am not pregnant I can't eat it because of lactose issues.  So that could count right?

10. Gender -  Still a GIRL and a good thing since everything is PINK! Avery Grayce
11. Wedding rings on or off - On!  I may have blood pressure issues, but no swelling.

12. Weekly wisdom - I have tried to save all my wisdom for my last two weeks of clients, so the rest of my days are spent sounding less than wise (just ask my hubby!! LOL)

13. Milestones? - Everything is a milestone at this point!  We are three weeks away from really having a baby.  Can't believe it.

Getting close

The closer we get to Avery coming, the more anxious I become to find out what is going on with her. And begging God to have healed her 100%!   I know that no matter what this is a miracle baby.  But...the closer we get the more nervous I get that she will indeed have Turners Syndrome or something else.  I know I will love her and just be so excited to have this perfect beautiful baby, but my heart is torn and full of anxiety of what is to come.  I hate even admitting this, as if this is some kind of admission to a lack of faith.  In fact it brings me to tears to give into this fear or "disappointment."  You just pray and hope that you will have a healthy baby and never imagine that all the things we went through can happen.  Not only was all the trials we walked through to have children not been a dream of mine, but it took me by surprise that I would ever have to walk through anything like this!! I have always seen my life as simple.  I remember different people in my family giving me a hard time as we were growing up that I was the child that never had to struggle or suffer with anything.  Life had always appeared to be easy for me.  Of course we know that, that isn't true.  Because what may have looked easy to some, was a trial to me. But, I often bought into the lie and thought that nothing could ever happen bad to me.  In fact that if I prayed, or wished for it, in someway I would get it.  And normally would get it with ease.  I was reading a book the other while waiting for a client talking about how we all have a little bit of that feeling that we are untouchable.  We would never be affected by disease, death, pain, suffering, sorrow, or just hard times.  It makes you grateful for what we do have.

So forgive my rawness today.  The exhaustion and heat of pregnancy has gotten to me!  I have not been able to 100% find a perfect moment to stop working, mostly because I hate stopping a doing nothing right now.  I fear I may regret the time I should be resting when I have a little girl that doesn't want to sleep at night within a few weeks!  That sounds crazy to say.  Brent and I have continued to be hit with the reality that soon our lives will never be the same.  The idea that we will be parents to a little girl that comes to live with us in our home and that we are responsible for raising is mind blowing! We both feel like parents already since having Carter, but since we didn't get the honor of bringing him home, the idea of getting to have Avery in our house forever... still catches us off some days! 

Next month

WE ARE HAVING A BABY NEXT MONTH!!  I can hardly believe it.  Avery's nursery is almost complete. We just need to wash her clothes and hang some paintings on the wall.  We have to put the car seat in the car and put the bag that is packed in the back seat and we are ready.  We were at a cookout this weekend and someone there was asking all about Avery.  It was funny to me that I was telling her information as if the past few months had not even happened.  I told Brent when I got home that I sometimes forget that Avery could still have challenges to overcome or even could be born with Turners Syndrome.  I just feel like the worry of saving her life is in the past and we are waiting for the normal birth of a normal baby.  Isn't cool how the Lord just makes your heart content and refreshes a newness in our spirits?  I love it.  Right now I don't care and don't even think about bad, I just know that I have this awesome gift that kicks me ALL DAY AND NIGHT LONG and is so ready to come and live with us.  The coolest part... GOD PICKED BRENT AND I TO BE HER MOMMY AND DADDY!!!!! After 3 years of pregnancy (really) we are weeks and days away from the arrival of a perfect gift that we have been asked to mold into a Jesus loving, sweet women after God's own heart.  Today there are no tears, just a smile I can't get off my face.  I can't imagine smelling a baby and rocking a baby and holding and loving and watching a sweet baby.  After we lost Carter, the idea of having a baby in our home seemed so untouchable.  And even until a few weeks ago the idea of really being able to have her here, seemed foreign.  But as each day passes by and we get closer to full term...this DREAM that we have been in is getting more real and exciting. 

We had our baby shower (never imagined that we would get to that) and the amount of gifts and treasures that we have gotten has blown us away!  The help friends and family have offered (especially with hand - me - downs.... LOVE IT)  has been a treasure for sure.  Even our doctors office is amazing and treats us like we are something special and having an extra special girl! To have a child that is special to mom and dad is one thing, but to have a baby that is Light to others....WOW!

So I look forward to days to come to share pictures and updates as the time gets closer and then when she finally arrives.  Please pray that Avery WILL be born with no complications and will be free of any issues after birth.  Pray for Brent and I as we make finally steps to prepare.  Ultimately pray that as we have waited so long to be parents and that we will treasure each moment with Avery Grayce and WILL raise her in way that is pleasing to the Lord.  As much as it is tempting to spoil her that we will choose instead to give her a life that allows her to be a servant and testimony to the goodness of God's grace and perfect will for her life.  Pray that we don't get in the way of whatever God wants to do to allow us and Avery to minister to others. 

To be continued..... CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

Nothing new yet

It seems like forever since I have had a doctors appointment, but unlike in the past when I feared I had something to worry about, that is not the case now.  Avery has been waking me up at night as she does her flips and kicks and hits.  I love it, but at the same time...miss my sleep.  My friends keep saying, welcome to my new life of being kept up late with a newborn.  I just thought I wouldn't have to worry about that until she arrived.  Nonetheless, it's amazing to feel her as much as I do.  We go to the specialist this Friday followed by our regular OB apt. next week.  I am in this place of totally excitement to finally get to meet her and the idea that she is REALLY COMING!  At the same, I often fight the reminder that we are not out of the woods yet.  We still have no idea what challenges we are going to be facing once she arrives.  I continue to pray and ask that my faithful few blog friends continue to pray with me for TOTAL healing of this little girl. I am already amazed and overwhelmed at what He has done so far.  I am so looking forward to holding her and having her in my arms this summer.  I know it will be here faster than I can imagine.  It's just after a 3 year wait filled with lots of loss, the waiting period is becoming harder and harder. 

3D

(This is her mouth open, tongue half way out and her little arms around her face)

This was a picture from our last specialist appointment.  I kept saying this is my miracle girl and the Lord continues to bless with that each appointment.  The specialist said we officially HYDROPS FREE!!!!  Then the cardiologist said that the small hole in her heart that he saw, has closed up so we are now VSD FREE!!!!!!  As far as we can tell she still has the hygroma on the back of her head, but because she is getting bigger, it is harder for us to see her neck.  She is a mover and shaker for sure.  Brent was able to feel her move for the first time last week (which he said "is cool and weird!)  He has not been patient enough to feel her again, not that he its take much because she loves to kick as soon as I lay down as night!  It's so sweet!

Thanks so very much for continued prayers for total healing!  It's been hard for me to not let my heart just expect the total miracle.  At the same time I am still guarded that she may have Turners or some other type of chromosome problem.  No matter what happens, I know for sure how loved Avery Grayce is for sure!  Not just by me, or by our families but by so many people.  One of my favorite moments last week was when two sweet kids that I love climbed into my lap and asked to see Avery.  I told them both (they are 2 and 3) that she is not here yet.  They asked for me to open my mouth so they could see if they could find her!  Wish it was that easy.

Finally an Update ( I know I know)

Man I am not good at keeping up this blog lately.  I am so crazy during the day and when I am not busy, I am trying to rest and stay off my feet!  As always, I will try to get better.

So the latest with Avery is that she continues to constantly improve.  Our last visit to the specialist, I anticipated being told that regardless of what the other doctors see, they some how always see the worst of the situation.  Well this time we were excited to hear that the doctor didn't see any hydrops.  He said he saw something on her belly, but if he hadn't seen our history, he would have looked over it.  So, he told us not to be concerned at all!  What an exciting day that was.  We will be going to the specialist every other week at this point.  Which is the same schedule that we are on with our OB. 

I am finally getting excited about her coming.  It is finally seeming real.  But, there have been so many days that I am just exhausted from lack of sleep at night (because I am uncomfortable).  It's those days that I am not rational.  Today was one of those days.  I woke up around 3 to run to the bathroom. As much as I hate to really wake up to go to the bathroom, but fears always take over and I have to turn the light on to make sure that everything is okay (no bleeding or anything strange).  Last night I was shocked to find a huge spider in Brent's sink.  I yelled for Brent and made him wake up to kill the spider!  After that, sleep didn't come easy.  Emotionally I broke down today and told Brent and I just didn't think I would be able to make it through this if something was to happen to Avery.  I am sure it was the lack of sleep talking, but at the same time, that is the raw emotions of this journey. The fear each day of is she moving enough, is everything that I feel normal, will we really make it to at least 34 weeks or longer.  Each time we are reassured that all is looking better, I just have a hard time trusting that anyone can really give that to me.  That is when my faith meets my heart and I know that I have to trust the Lord's plan! 

So for today, besides being super grumpy, tired and a little overwhelmed from the busy client schedule I have been keeping, I can say all is well with my soul!

Today's appointment

Another day at the doctors with more good news.  This is such an up and down process that we never know what to expect.  The cardiologist said today that he was very impressed with Avery's heart and especially after reading our chart that he doesn't see the fluid around her heart (he assured us he was one of the best in the field and that he was sure of what he saw!  He was the funniest man.) He also assured us that she has a very strong heart.  His only concern was that she may have a small hole in between the chambers of the heart called VSD or Ventricular Septal Defect.  Because Avery tends to move a ton during her sonograms he was only able to see the hole half of the time and didn't see it the other half.  So he didn't feel confident that it was even a problem.  He asked us to come back again in 4 weeks when she has less wiggle room! LOL.  So besides being beat up with the ultrasound probe and that my husband and the nurse and doctor got to see the BEST pictures of Avery today and I didn't see anything (I had to lay on my left side away from the machine for the best view) they feel good about her heart and believe that she is in the clear.  If by chance she does have VSD he said that she would have open heart surgery between 6 months and a year of age.  He also assured us that the success rate with that surgery is 99%. 

We just continued to be amazed at all that happens each week on this journey! I know for sure God is not done writing Avery's story. In fact He has just begun.  And I am so proud to be her Mama!  How can I help it.  Both of my babies stories look like big storms and yet they are really just amazing testimonies for a great Savior! 

I know that we are not out of the woods yet.  In fact, we still have more hurdles to face.  But... for one whole week, we don't have a single doctor's appointment.  And for just one day, we have been given more hope for the future of our sweet girl.  It's been such a time of trial and emotion for us.  During the midst of this pregnancy, one of my sweetest friends here in GA who's children I am in LOVE with, because they wanted us to become pregnant as much as we did!!  So to find out that a few weeks before Avery is due, our friends the Walkers are moving to TN has been a heart break, but again, the Lord's plan for their lives.  I told my friend Julie tonight that I can't wait for Avery to be here already, but I know that means that she will have moved already!!  I know that sounds silly, but again not the exact plan I had for how this would go.  Glad to know 2 hrs is close enough for me to run up for a visit and that all 5 of her kids can't wait to have Avery visit "a lot!" 

I have been doing a bible study on Jonah talking about "Divine Interruptions."  I have to remind myself each week that it's not about me or my plans.  I know for a fact that good news today doesn't mean a guarantee tomorrow.  But then again no one has a planned tomorrow.  So for today we celebrate and wait to see what comes tomorrow.  We take the nice "week off from drs."  Our next visit is to the OB for a regular visit (as if I ever have that! and to the specialist the 31st for another anatomy scan.) 

Avery

Since the last time I posted, we have been to the doctor weekly!  Each week comes with nerves and a lot of anxiety because we never know what to expect.  Just one week after our appointment when we were so excited to see the hydrops disappear, we found out that the hydrops are still there. In fact our specialist shared with us that hydrops means two or more areas on the body of the baby that has fluid. Just because one day there wasn't fluid evident in the heart doesn't mean it won't return the next day.  So what we saw as a miracle isn't what we had expected.  ALTHOUGH... we still have much hope for our sweet girl.  We are going to a cardiologist tomorrow to see her heart.  There is a concern with a cystic hydroma's that there can be a problem with the heart of the baby.  We are hopeful that Avery's will be the exception. 

Thanks for the continued prayers for us and Avery.  We know that God continues to work in the life of our family.  Of course this is never the path we would have chosen in order to have children, but we continued to be amazed at all the Lord is teaching us during this journey.  The lessons and picture of His love and grace continues to overwhelm us.  Each day is not easy and there have been plenty of moments when I especially am ready to throw in the towel.  Not giving up, but just moments when I just want to hide and really am tempted to ask why.  I think unless you walk through a journey like this, it's hard to understand the anxiousness that comes with it all.  I laugh each week when my blood pressure is taken and each new nurse says "oh my your blood pressure is so high!"  One week the doctor was ready to send me to the ER because she was sure I was ready to have a stroke.  I ask them to wait until the end of the appointment and try it again.  They are all so amazed at the BIG difference!  But they always understand it's a lot to take in and how nerves and the "white coat" can get me each time!

I will update more after our appointment tomorrow.

Quick update on Avery

Here is just a quick update on our most recent appointment.  During our last dr. visit, we had our normal sonogram to make sure the baby still had a heart beat.  The sonogram tech is so amazing.  She wanted to confirm that she had given up a correct prediction of the sex of the baby during the last appointment.  So she spent a little extra time looking around to see if she was correct.  By the way she was:  IT'S A GIRL!!!!   During our last ultrasound, the same tech had told us the fetal hydrops and hydroma was measuring about 4 cm.  To her and our surprise, during this scan, the fetal hydrops we all gone in the heart, lungs and the belly!  All three of us were shocked.  To asked the other tech to give us a second sonogram to make sure she was right about it being a girl, and to look at the hydrops again.  The second tech actually worked with our specialist for many years and has a great idea at what she was seeing.  She confirmed that their was no fluid in the heart, lungs and just a drop in the belly.  She also said the hydroma on the head was only measuring about 1 cm to 1.5 cm.  There are a few explanations for the smaller hydroma, but the hydrops were are a miracle.  We go back to the specialist this week to find out more information.  We are hopeful and know that the Lord is answering our prayers!

So here SHE is (sucking her thumb):  Miss. Avery Grayce Spears. 

Clinging to Grace and Hope

I am sorry I have not been better at updating my blog.  To be honest, I have been weary and still trying to get my mind around all of this going on! Each day sets in more frustration and hurtful and yet we are clinging to whatever Hope we can. It's amazing that we have so many praying for us when we can't pray for ourselves.  We have so many with Hope when we feel like giving up.

We had to make a very hard decision this week to seek out a new OB.  It was an awesome decision.  We love our new doctor.  She appears to be  Godly women that told us she doesn't hope for a miracle but she expects a miracle!  So do we.  She gave us so much to hope for during our appointment.  We both walked out with renewed strength.  At the same time, when I take a second to process all that is going on, I still feel so overwhelmed and trying to hold on to the edge of the cliff before I fall into the sea. 

If you look online the condition our little has, all the facts point to 99 to 100% fatal condition.  The baby has two conditions.  It's called Cystic Hydroma with fetal hydrops.  Basically is it fluid on the back of the head and neck as well as surrounding the whole body.  On top of that my placenta has attached very low which means no excessive movements, no working out or any other excessive moving around.  Right now our first concern is the placenta then its the fluids. But really I am just nervous and overwhelmed by it all.  It felt so great today to celebrate with friends to news of renewed hope.  But in the quiet moments of life, I can't help but dwell on the possible reality of what the future may hold.  Still trying to grasp all the God is trying to teach us since our journey began in 2008.  One thing for sure He is showing me is what I read the other day in from devotion.

I am with you, and FOR YOU! You face NOTHING along - NOTHING!!!!  When you feel anxious, know that your are focusing on the visible world and leaving Me out of the picture. The remedy is simple: Fix your eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. Verbalize your trust in me, Living One who sees you always. I will get you safely through this day and all your days.  But you can find ME only in the present.  Each day is a precious gift from My Father.  How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today's is set before you! Receive today's gift gratefully unwrapping it tenderly and delving into its depths. As you savor this gift, you find Me.  - Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

So what can you all do?  Pray pray pray!

1. Pray for complete healing of the hydrops and hydroma
2. Pray for Hope for Brent and I
3. Pray for knowledge and protection for our dr.
4. Pray for us financially as we both have to work and that is become harder for me. Also we are finally coming out from under all we went through with Carter and finishing paying off all that cost and now we starting all over again.
5.  Pray for us to be patient with each other as we process all that is going on.
6.  Last pray for our little one's life and the testimony and purpose the Lord has on it's life.

Need a miracle

So my great intentions of blogging more often have once again been disrupted. I had been so excited to finally share that we had FINALLY gotten pregnant again and FINALLY made it past the first trimester and THEN.....we arrive to today.  I sent out this message to several friends on facebook today.  This is our need of prayer and miracle from God.

"We found out yesterday that this baby has significant fluid around it's body and it's looking like we will lose the baby at some point (maybe soon but could be as late as full term). If the baby doesn't die in the womb then it will be born as a dwarf with either noonan or turner syndrome. Both of those syndrome carry some pretty big health issues such a heart issues and other issues we have not explored yet, because we just can't go there today. There are no other safe test that we can do at this moment so we have made the choice to wait it out and see what God does. We have heard of stories of complete healing and having perfectly normal babies. Even with the prognosis as bad as ours (fluid around the back of the neck means down syndrome. Normal downs kids have 2mm of fluid. This baby has 10 - 12 mm of fluid from the neck to the bottom of the spine and then on top of the belly). We just pray that God will either heal this baby, or take this baby fast or allow us to go full term and have the baby live after delivery and we will love it no matter the challenges. Just don't want to lose this little one later and have to go through all that we went through with Carter again. "

I told Brent last night that I know I can't demand anything from the Lord and that I don't deserve anything from Him either.  But my struggle for today is trying not to have the mindset that He owes us this baby and He owes me this baby the way He provides babies all over the world as "perfect health."  Our hearts are confused and hurt.  But we are clinging to the fact that God has our best intentions for our lives and never promised us easy journeys.  We will walk just a day at a time and pray and believe that He can and will heal this baby. 

Thanks in advance for all encouragement and prayer. We are boldly asking everyone we know and don't know to intercede for us and pray for healing and a miracle. We are both in shock and overwhelmed right now but surrounded by amazing people who have wrapped us up already and loved us more than we deserve. Thanks for being willing to love us, pray for us and encourage us. We are so very blessed. We just trust the Lord's heart even when we can't trace His hand.

Brent, Jenna and Baby Spears

Looking for something new for 2011

My plan is to update this blog and do a little redesign before 2011 gets started.  Be looking for changes, updates on the Spears and all that we have been up to!

Perfect

I have had so much on my plate in the last few weeks.  But, I need more.  We have been praying about ways to increase the amount of clients that I see each day, so that we can get even more serious about being debt free.  We have also been talking a lot about just the frustration and pain each month that goes by that we are still not pregnant.  But again, the cost of going to a specialist and starting that process is overwhelming.  For me, it has been almost an obsession for me the last few days.  Then last night, it was like the Lord just spoke out loud to me!!  I couldn't help sobbing.  As my husband lay in bed watching the football game on TV, I opened up my devotional book.   I had to read it out loud because of how perfect it was for Brent and I.  Of course, I couldn't even get half the words out through my tears, but the message penetrated my heart for sure.  I have been reading a book by Sarah Young and Sept 6th says: (the Lord is talking)

DO EVERYTHING IN DEPENDENCE ON ME.  The desire to act independently-apart from Me - springs from the root of pride.  Self-sufficiency is subtle, insinuating its way into your thoughts and actions without your realizing it.  But apart from ME YOU CAN DO Nothing that is, nothing of eternal value.  My deepest desire for you is that you learn to depend on Me in EVERY SITUATION.  I move heaven and earth to accomplish this purpose, but you must collaborate with Me in this training.  Teaching you would be simple if I negated your free will or overwhelmed you with My power.  However, I love you too much to withdraw the godlike privilege I bestowed on you as My image-bearer.  Use your freedom wisely, by relying on ME CONSTANTLY.  Thus you enjoy MY PRESENCE and MY PEACE.

What perfect timing that was for me.  Isn't it funny, that nothing has changed.  I am still not pregnant, we still need to increase our income, I still need a newer car that can get me from place to place, I still need to lose more weight...faster, I still need to make major decisions in our lives about a long list of things that need to be done now... BUT what has changed is that I need to remember to DO EVERYTHING DEPENDING ON HIM!  Which free's me up from everything. 

Taking today for what it is

Friday night we had some of our favorite kids spend the night with us before our big tubing trip!  As we were putting them all the bed we stopped to pray.  I asked the girls if they had anything special to pray about.  They both said that they would like to pray what they always pray for at night.  So I encouraged them both to pray and that Brent and I would close in prayer.  Both girls, as part of their routine, asked God to give "Brent and Jenna a baby!"  God continues to teach me so much through children. Even though this waiting process continues to be so hard, I am glad that I am able to stop and learn little life lessons along the way.

I feel like sometimes my life appears to be consumed with the fact that we are having trouble having kids. It makes me feel shallow some times.  I know that sounds crazy, but I often feel convicted on the fact that I am always seeking the future.  I don't want to live for the future, but for the present.  I want to treasure the moments that we have as we finish teaching our 2nd grade Sunday School class. I want to cherish the moments as I pray with a client who is struggling with their salvation or a heavy burden in their life.  I want to cherish the moments that I am on the treadmill with special girlfriends just talking about the healthy dinner choice we made last night or the fun evening with our family we had. I want to cherish what God has given me to do today.  I want to seek to learn more about the moment He has called me to in the right now.  I have said this before, how I can often get ahead of myself and wish my day away. God continues to show me that His grace is enough, for today.  So live in today and live it to the fullest!! 

Summer

Life is flying by us again. I some how end up thinking back to when... or what would life be like if... The trouble with those statements is that I always get into trouble when I play the what if game. I believe that "if" if was going to happen, then it would have happened. But because of the sovereignty of God, than what is happening in my life now, is part of God's plan and because of that... it is good. I can say that after a 1 year 11 months after losing Carter, or 1 year after losing baby number two, or 6 months after losing baby number three, the pain isn't as fresh each day. I can say that I have more good days than bad days. In fact, I notice the sun shinning more seek out ways to do things that I used to love to do. Before Carter, I LOVED to cook. It brought me joy to cook something new and fun. Since Carter, cooking was a little overwhelming. I could do it, but it didn't have the same excitement as before. THAT excitement is back again. I am finally feeling like me again. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Lord!

I have seeking ways to make better decisions for my life. Brent and I have been working out at the gym since last October. We love it. But, our gym is around the corner from the cemetery. The gym is towered over by the hospital Carter was born and died in. The gym is in an area of town that has a way of making me sad. So I switched locations. As it turned out, my trainer and my best girls friends all go to other location anyway, so it made more sense for us. The drive to the other gym is further from our house, but closer to Brent's work. I honestly don't care about the drive, because getting to sweat and chat with girlfriends is the highlight of my week. Not to mention my friends have the sweetest kids that can just say my name and I melt right into all of their little hands!!!

During a baby dedication at the church the other night, I began to in vision the day when we are able to have a baby and baby dedication service. I started to cry thinking about it. Not so much because I was sad, but more because I became so overwhelmed at how many people are praying for us. Not just saying they are praying, but praying weekly, daily, several times a day for us to have a baby! Not just adults praying, but sweet girls and boys at our church and in our life that are praying! I can't explain to you the feeling that comes from knowing that before your child has even been thought about, there are friends and family members that are begging the Lord on our behalf to bless us with children. That blows me away.

We are so very blessed. Blessed in more ways that I can list (mostly because I will cry before I type the first word!) I can't thank the Lord enough for all He has done in our lives these past three years! We have learned so much and we have grown so much.

The Lord is so so good. I just get excited to be able to share with others all that he has done in our lives, using a sweet little baby born, who weighed a little more than a pound named Carter. In fact I have clients that can't remember my name, but know the name of my son. That is compliment in my book for sure!

God uses it all

Tomorrow we are going to attend the funeral of a 2 1/2 month old little baby boy from our church that fell asleep this week in his home, and woke up in the arms of the Lord. I can feel the pain of this family, as we sat in the same seat this family will sit in almost 2 years ago. It's so tough to imagine that any one else has to walk through the same experience that we walked and continue to walk. But, the incredible thing about the Lord is how he allows me - us- believers to use what may appear to be the terrible life events for His good. I am confident that tomorrow I will be able to pray for this family understanding the sick feeling in the pit of their stomachs knowing what that day means. I feel as if I will be able to look that mother in the eyes and let you know that through a different situation, I know what it's like to have your child live in the arms of Jesus instead of our own arms. I continue to pray that God will use Carter's life and what I have learned through these past two years to help others. I can see how once again, God is uses it all. The ugly head of death of a baby, the pain and sorrow of grief, and the torment of waiting for the day when healing will come of our hearts - ultimately the day when we see Jesus. And as parents of a child that is already with Jesus, we can understand that longing to see the face of Christ and our baby again. As you read this, please take a second to pray for this family and the journey they have ahead of them. Pray for them as God will change their lives and grow them as He has done in our lives these past two years.

Summer is almost here

As soon as I think I am about to commit to blog on a more regular basis, life happens. I seem to be running in so many directions some days that the last thing on my mind (really) at night is, oh I forgot to blog about this day.

I guess nothing really over exciting has come up for us in the past few weeks since my last entry. But again, those are always the days that I seem to walk away with the most. A lot of what God has been teaching us through these days of waiting and waiting and waiting, is patience and meaning what we say. Praying for other friends who have loss babies like we have and yet getting the wonderful news that they are now expecting. Having the honor of praying for them and with them and for them helps us with our walk with the Lord and also is encouraging to us that God has a plan for us and we feel like it will include more children.

I proclaimed on this mother's day that this would be the LAST mothers day I would be spend wtihout a child. Isn't so silly how we can make such BIG statements telling God what He needs to do?

Once again, my sweet husband made sure the day was special for me and that I would be reminded that I am a mother. (sometimes you feel a little silly and discouraged on those days when there's nothing to hold on to). Brent always treats me like a princess, and this year was no different.

We both feel like the Lord is preparing us for something and something sooner than later. No idea what that is, but it's just what we keep sensing. As summer approaches, my work often decreases (not sure why summer means less counseling needs)? We hope that we are able to use these days to continue to minister, love on others, and continue the preparation for whatever He has planned. I can tell you this.... I know that part of this plan must have to do with working out at the gym! Or at least I hope so! Brent and I have been working out for months now, and although we both feel better and see changes, the process of getting healthy is tough somedays. Especially days when I tell Brent... nothing will solve this issues, except for a reese's peanut butter cup. So far he has never given in to that temptation.

Before the Morning

I sometimes associate this blog with so much pain. I think that is why often I ignore it or even avoid writing how I feel. There is so much hurt, sorrow, pain, frustration we have daily. But then there is still that hope I deal with on a daily basis. I have a false sense that I need to be strong and just keep plugging away with life to be a witness for others. And there are days that I can do that. Then some days I can't go a few minutes without the tears coming so easy. I feel defeated. I feel hopeless. Not a hopeless as in the Lord has forgotten me and my desires and dreams, but a hopeless that maybe we are supposed to have chidren here on earth. THEN... the next minute I hold onto Psalms 37:4... knowing God will give us the desires of our hearts.


I started the above blog in Feb. and still haven't posted it. But then this week, God showed me something powerful. I seemed to have a running theme with my clients right now. I have seen a lot of hopeless families, couples that are defeated in their marriages, and a lot of people questioning why their life is so frustrating. I would be lying if I said I never had that thought. I started to ask the Lord to really give me a freshness from His Word and to show me His way of seeing life. And of course He did!

If your like me, I often try to do the same things again and again and just hope life turns out different. I began to realize Friday's were really rough days for me. I don't work on Fridays, I usually have very little interactions with friends, I am normally so tired I am just ready to throw in the towel for the week, and feel defeated. I often make things worse by heading to the cemetary which brings me down more. But this week, I made some changes. I worked out with friends today instead of on Monday. I have a list of things that need to be done before tomorrow. Already I feel strength.

On my way home from the gym I heard this song on radio and knew God was speaking to me. It also brought clients and friends to my mind to stop and pray for. It was exactly what I needed. The song is "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson. My favorite line in the whole song is: The Pain that your feeling, CAN'T compare to the joy that's coming!! Isn't that awesome. To think that the pain that God has allowed in my life, or your life if NOTHING compared to the joy we have coming. That gets me so excited. The pain that I am feeling is just the dark before the morning. With morning comes new mercies each day. So I just have to dare to believe. I don't just dare to believe.... I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE!!!! I know I serve a God who knows me, loves me and wants GOOD stuff for me. Thank you Jesus! Praise you Jesus. Thank you Jesus!!

Josh Wilson - Before The Morning