Not Again

I had just walked in the door from work and my husband had that look on his face. He looked sick to his stomach almost, as if something terrible had just happened. I was right. Something terrible had just happened. It had happened again. Very close friends of ours found out that their baby passed away in their mom's womb today. She is 25 weeks pregnant and without any warning, his little heart beat stopped and their son is now with the Lord. The father is like a younger brother to me. When I was in college, I lived with this family for a few years. Earlier this Spring when Brent and I had found out we were expecting our second baby, our friends found out they were expecting their first. And now they are left with questions, pain, fear, hurt, sadness, sorrow, anger, frustration, and a whole mess of confusion on what could have happened. She will go in early in the am to be induced and deliver their first child. I can hear the doctors telling me Carter was going to die all over again. It's as if I am back in that moment. Why does this keep happening? That was the first thing that popped into my head. Lord, I am sick of this sinful world. The pain is getting worse the older we get. I just spend an hour working with a client about the unfairness of life. He was struggling understanding why life is so unjust, and I came home to more injustice. Just last week, a 14 year old boy, who used to attend our church, accidentally hung himself in his own backyard! We have a plan for our kids lives and having a funeral for them is never part of that plan.

I have been struggling this past month with the frustration of not getting pregnant as fast as "I" had planned on. I had a grand, well thought out plan, that I would surprise my sweet husband on father's day with the big news that we were expecting again. Except that never happened. I became obsessed with test taking. I was determined that I must be pregnant because I was feeling pregnant. Just a reminder that I have to stop relying on my feelings and only stand on truth. It's not about my timing. It's not about my plans. It's not about my feelings. It's not about my wants. It's what the Lord has planned for me! He cares about my timing, plans, feelings, wants. He knows them too! (just in case I do remind him at least two or three times a day! He he. Of course, He reminds me right back that He's got it!!!)

I will never understand this world. I don't want to understand this world. I so desire to see what God wants me to do next! He has placed such a burden in my heart and the desire is growing stronger the more hurt, sadness and death I see. My blog friend Keri said in a recent blog that she struggles understanding loss of first children like Brent and I went through. I have that same struggle. Especially today and I talked to my sweet friend and tried to listen to her fears and pain of what tomorrow will hold. PLEASE join in prayer for my friends. (I am not sharing their names as I am not sure they have shared their tragedy with many people yet and I don't want to share something that they need to be able to tell people.)

WOW

I don't even know what to say in this blog because I am so excited. Brent and I have become very close to the Covell family, Lisa and Cody. Cody is 6 and going into the 2nd grade. Although most days he acts more like 12 (as he likes to tell us). Lisa is a very young widow who works very hard at raising a little boy to be like Christ. You can't help but fall in love with this little ball of energy. At the beginning of summer, I offered to watch Cody two days a week while Lisa works. Cody and I have had a good time going on little adventures so far. We tend to eat lunch with Brent a lot and go to movies, swimming and lots of shopping! (just what he loves... he he) This week of course was VBS. We offered to pick up Cody each day and take him, since he just lives down the road from us.

On Wednesday during VBS the gospel was presented to all of the children. Cody's next door neighbor picked him up and brought him on that day, so we didn't get to see him. But this morning when I brought him to his class, his teacher (Heather Harbin, for those who know how awesome she is) met me in the hall and said "Well?" I gave her a puzzled look and said "Well what." She said Cody had talked to her in the hallway on Wednesday and said he wanted to pray to receive Christ, but wanted to wait and pray with his mom. Well Cody went home and never mentioned it. So.. I dropped off Cody and called Brent (who was upstairs getting ready for his skit). Brent was so thrilled and was looking forward to seeing Cody. We decided that Bren and Cody needed a "man's lunch date." So after VBS, Brent took Cody to lunch (a favorite spot of theirs) for lunch. When they came home, they sat at our kitchen table where Brent presented the gospel to Cody. Cody can be a silly, high energy child. But, during those few minutes that Brent was talking to him, Cody was focused and interested hanging on the words that Brent was sharing. Of course I was in the other room on my computer weeping! It was awesome. As Brent prepared to go to work, Cody came into talk to me. I asked if about what he was talking to Brent about. After a brief talk, Cody said that when he is a Christian, he will get to go to heaven. He said that means that one day he will get to see my baby boy Carter and his daddy, who both live in heaven right now! I just swept him into my lap and kissed all over him! There was nothing else I could do! (when I told his mom, she just balled!)

Brent had to go on to work and we decided that we would wait for Cody's mom before we actually prayed the prayer to receive Christ. Every parent deserves that chance to be with their children when they make the most important decision in their life. When Lisa came around 6 tonight, we all sat in our living room and Brent shared about all that had taken place today. Then Brent asked Cody some more questions and with confidence Cody said that he wants Jesus to live in his heart and that he wants to be forgiven of his sins and that he knows the only way to be forgiven is to believe in Jesus! So we all four held hands as Brent led us in a time of prayer. Lisa and I wept! Cody had so much energy and was non stop talking afterwards. It was different than we had seen before with him, like he felt his life was different today. He is becoming a different kid. He is a different kid, for now He is a Child of God!! WHEW!!! ISN'T GOD SOOOOOO GOOD!!! Pray for our little friend and his mom as they begin this journey. Pray for us as we continue to poor love and truth into his life, as well as the many other families that love on this family from our church!

Sweet Crocs

Special Needs kids (they are awesome) - Brent's class
5th grade B - Jenna's class

Our first garden

First green beans in our garden!! Check us out.

Can't believe it is day 3 already. What a day. Thank you to those who have been praying. We had one salvation in my group of 16 kids today. SWEET. I was in charge of sharing the gospel during out bible study time. I felt like I did not prepare as well as I could have because of some much going on, but God just started speaking for me. I felt so good after we were done. Not about me, but just the clear message God gave me. Then to see a salvation... now that is fruit from obedience. LOVE IT. I am posting the two videos of Brent today and a few pictures.

By the way.. I am putting in one little shot of our garden as well. We have beans now!!! We are so proud of ourselves.

ONYA

Each day at VBS gets better. Today the skit was so much fun. I put a small clip of the funniest part at the bottom. I would have to say my favorite part of the day was talking to my 5th graders about what it means to really worship. Some of them were getting it. It is so sweet to see some of the middle school kids grasp what it means to have a prayer life, time of devotion and study of God's Word. I really am looking forward to tomorrow, because Wednesday is when the gospel is presenting and time is allowed for kids to make a decision for Christ. If you think about it, pray for the kids at North Metro tomorrow between 9:30-10:30! (actually pray for our kids all week long!) The only reason we do this is for the kingdom!!

VBS Boomerang Express 2009 - day 1

Here is just a small clip of the worship introduction of VBS 2009! Although we are some weary people, the day was wonderful and we are looking forward to tomorrow. (by the way... this is Brent speaking Australian during the worship time. He is also helping in the special needs department. Jenna is helping to teach a 5th grade class). As part of a wonderful praise, I (Jenna) met a new friend at the library the other day and asked her to bring her girls to VBS. They showed up today and I was so thrilled that I had asked them to come. Doesn't it feel so good to be obedient? Why can't I do that all of the time?

Summer is here

I have been terrible about keeping up with the blog lately. I guess sometimes I still revert back to my old way of thinking that since we don't have kids there isn't a lot to talk about. BUT... then I realize that there is so much going on and God is doing so much in our lives that I really do have tons to share.


I had an incredible month of May. I spent a weekend with 12 friends in Charleston SC at a Women of Joy conference. The conference was awesome (although I did not make it through the Casting Crown concert without balling). I think my favorite part of the weekend was just hanging with friends and getting to know my sisters better. Isn't just good to hang with girls sometimes?? I love it. Over memorial day weekend Brent and I traveled to NC to a wedding and then on to Maryland to celebrate my dad's retirement. Although bittersweet (he was not ready to retire) the Lord knows best and has a plan for his life and this was the time for Dad to stop working for IBM. Not many people can say they work almost 40 years at a company these days! What a great accomplishment! GO DAD!!



We came back home and have been running since. Brent and I have dreamed of counseling together since we got married 7 years ago. We have finally gotten the chance to start doing couples counseling together this Spring. We love it!

Brent and I both continue to pray and look forward to each month to find out if God has blessed us with another pregnancy. We have tried to plan our summer and year around the hope that we will be pregnant and need to stay close to home. Only God knows that plan and we are enjoying taking life one day at a time. (some days that is easier than others.) It has been hard not to compare our life now and last year at this time. We are not looking forward to Aug. 9th coming, but I know the day will come and will go and God will walk us through it all. In the meantime, we both feel strongly that God has asked us both to do some "special projects" and we ask that as the details are shown to us that you our blog friends pray for us. As details of what is come unfold, we will be sure to share!

Never know

My day to go see Carter is usually Tuesday. I don't get there all of the time, but if I am going to go, that would be the day. I have to drive past that area on Tuesday's on my way to work, so if I have time, I stop. Yesterday, I almost didn't stop. I was so tired and had a long long day. I needed to cook dinner, finish a bunch of stuff for work and wanted to get to bed EARLY. But... I stopped anyway. When I got there, I noticed a gentleman sitting on the other side of the "bible statue" that is on Carter's left side. I thought about not stopping again. Just felt strange to run into someone out there. It has never happened to us before. After getting out of the car, I went and played with the flowers on Carter's grave. I felt stupid all of a sudden for being there. The gentleman came over and said to me, "Are you visiting?" I said I was. He said he was there to see and sing to his twins. I knew him right away. Brent and I had visited that grave many times wondering what it would be like to be that family. He began to share his story and I began to share ours. Turns out that he and his wife lost their twins around 5 months as well. Her cervix was not able to stay closed in order to keep the babies inside. They deposited a little boy and a little girl into heaven. Micheal, who is the dad, shared with me about how that is the best place for his children... living with Jesus. Can you imagine what their life must be like??, he asked me! I told him... Pure worship. Turns out he and his wife Angel go to the "other big baptist church" in our area. We actually play sports against their teams a lot. It was a special meeting for sure. Micheal said his wife is not able to come see the twins. (They died in June of 2007) because it was too hard. But, he was going to ask her to meet me sometime on a Tuesday so that we could talk! Never know who God will bring into your life on any certain day. We never know.

Mother's Day without Carter

So I almost felt like it wasn’t Mother’s day for me. Although, of course it was special to be able to honor both Brent’s mom and my mom. To be able to reflect on all they have done for us made it a special day. Lately I have been concerned that the tears don’t flow as often and as much for me anymore. But my concern was taken away this morning during the service. I cried from the beginning to the end. It was a lot harder than I expected. But… as always, my sweet husband made my day incredible. I had been in need of a new computer, so he took me to buy a new computer and printer yesterday. Then this morning, he had flowers and a card on the table waiting for me. The most special thing was a beautiful bracelet with Carter’s name and birthstone on it. It was all I could to not look at it during church this morning. Then he took me to lunch at my favorite lunch spot! It was an awesome, yet very emotional day. Praying that next year we will have more to celebrate. I trust that the Lord will bless us this year with that news!!!

Even after the flowers, computer, printer, dinner, and lunch... This is my favorite and most treasured gift I got for Mother's Day. I look forward to adding others names to this representing other babies.

Grow Grow Grow

I would not consider Brent or myself to have a green thumb. In fact most plants that we plant die or just don't do what the packet promises. But the Lord has had favor on us and given us a new hope! Here are the pictures from our garden just two weeks into our project. By the way.. we do have a seedling for all of our plants, but a few of them are harder to see on a camera so I just posted the largest ones.

Cucumbers

Lettuce

Carrots

Green Beans

More Please

If you have followed our blog at all you would have realized by now that we LOVE our dog! Wrigley does so many funny things that keep up in stitches. She gets her own ice from our ice maker. She sits by our crib and will cry because she wants to "sniff and nose" the bear that is in the crib. She loves to sit on Brent's lap no matter where he is. She loves to come and give you a big hug (paws around your neck or waist and will just squeeze!) Just to name a few. One of the things she started about a year ago was letting us know when she would like some more food. No matter where we are in the house (upstairs, downstairs, kitchen...) she will bring us her bowl and just stare at us and the bowl. She never barks just brings us her bowl. I saw her finishing her food today and ran upstairs to get the camera hoping she would bring me her bowl and I could get it on camera. I did! She is such a joy in our lives and we are so blessed (even she is a monster) that we have our little puppy (well maybe the little part isn't so true anymore!!)

As an update.... the garden is going awesome. I will post some pictures. We already have lots of seedlings that have grown in one week!!! So far so good.

Garden 2009 (The year we hope to harvest lots of New Life!!!)

Our Garden!

Brent and I have wanted to plant a garden since we got married 7 years ago. Each year we get a little closer to planting this garden (two years ago we planted a little lettuce on the side of our yard and last year we did a container garden. The trouble has always been that we never do it right). This year we did it up big and did it right.


We decided that we would involve our very favorite GA 6 year old, (I say GA because our favorite TX 6 year old is Elias Jordan!!!) in the process. Oh what fun he had. In fact, he is spending the night (with Wrigley according to him) and snoring right now because he played so hard tonight! We prayed over the garden before we went out to dinner. Cody was so sweet asking God to bless our garden! He is such a blessing to us. God has really given us a gift by bringing this sweet boy into our life. More garden 2009 to come. Of course as you see in the title, our hope is that this year we will harvest (or at least by the beginning of next year) lots of new life! Nothing yet, but we are looking forward and hoping for what is to come!


Cody and Wrigley sleeping together.


Cody and Brent reading how to plant the seeds

Thanks to Jen Jordan, Brent just followed exactly what she did for her garden! It turned out awesome.

Our Spring Break

Spring Break to those of us who do not have kids school aged does not mean a whole lot at all. But this week, it has felt a lot like "spring break." Brent has this Friday off for Good Friday and we are looking forward to doing something as a "family" that is fun. This past week has been crazy. Last Saturday, we had a baseball game at church. It was so hot that I fried!! It was our big shopping day for the month (which I must bag on myself... I saved a total of 150.00 this month so far on food. We shop for the month and normally I have almost spent my budget at the beginning of the month. Thank you Lord for coupons. I bought frozen steamfresh veggies for $.19, buy on get one free dressings, Buy one get one free Ragu sauce for $.50 a piece and so on!) All that to say, I wasn't thinking about how long I would be sitting in the sun. Now I have the "mother/wife" sunburn "V" on my neck. There were several other "mom's/wives" on Sunday with the same thing.

The highlight of our weekend was Saturday night for sure. Brent and I had invited our little friend Cody to come stay the night with us. He normally gets homesick after a little while staying with us, so we didn't know what to expect. It was a blast. We watched Brent's baseball game, which Cody's friends were on the team, we went shopping, grilled hamburgers and saw the movie at the theatre "Bolt." We had so much fun. I took a picture of Cody, Brent and Wrigley at bedtime reading a bedtime story. There is also a picture of Wrigley sleeping with Cody. I worried that Cody would get up in the middle of the night and want to come in with us, but he didn't! It was so sweet and we all had a great time.

When I saw the picture of the three of them, I couldn't help but be a little teary and feel such a peace at the same time. It was almost a picture of grace and hope for the future. Almost like the Lord was showing me a glimpse of our future! I am not saying that this is certain, although I do believe in my heart that WE WILL have children one day. It just brought me hope and joy to see them. Brent was reading a book and Cody was asking him all kinds of question about Jesus. It was so touching to hear my husband sharing the gospel with this sweet little boy. It was nice that his mom had an evening alone as well. I know she enjoyed the break and time to have alone time that mom's need when they are parenting alone.

Thank you Lord for pictures of your grace and your love in the little things in life.

By the way, as I sit here looking out my window in Atlanta, GA... looking at my very sunburned arms... it is SNOWING!!! We are supposed to be getting back in the 70's on Thursday, but for today, SNOW!!! God and His sense of humor!

Lots of Baggage

Don't we all walk around with our "stuff." In counseling I call it baggage. I watch and listen as clients come into my office daily/weekly bringing the same suitcase with them week after week. I say I don't get it, but as I leave my office, I walk out with my own suitcase. I get tired of dealing with all of that. I see the world around me and what is happening and feel the anxiety of it all. I mean our little lives this year have been rocked. It was one year ago this week that we found out we were pregnant with precious Carter. Even that day that we found out, I felt fearful, excited, nervous, anxious and completely out of control! Then I see myself in the mirror today. I hear myself talk and notice that I have changed a lot. I went from carrying around a "suitcase" of fear of anything wrong happening in my little world, to being a mother who has lost two children. I never imagined that God would allow this to occur in my life, but it has happened, and I am able to not only stand, but share a testimony of what God has done in my life since then. I would have loved for Him to have taught me these lessons some other way, but I am believing that there was no other way in this fallen world. My dad lost his job last Thursday after being with his company for 39 years and 10 months! Another event in our lives that is a disappointment and "life rocking!" But more and more I am seeing and believing and knowing with God confidence, that God is in control. He is not surprised by our stuff! He desires for us to live life in victory.

We had Ergun Caner come speak to our church this weekend. He is an ex-Muslim, now the Liberty Seminary President. He made a quote this week that was so profound to hear again (of course something I know, but don't live by often). He said "Men of God (God's children who have given their lives to Christ) are lives are untouchable, until the will of God is complete." Meaning we will not be killed (we may be taken through trials, but not lose our lives) until God's will for our lives is complete. What a comfort that is to remember that.

No matter what is happening, God is still on His throne. Brent and I have been praying and asking the Lord to open doors for us to minister using our testimony of losing Carter as well as this baby. We both feel strongly that God wants us to to help others go through times of loss. Not just loss of children like we have gone through, but job loss, divorce, changes in life and any other situation that may be occurring.

"Consider it pure joy my brother whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2-3 and then vs 12 says "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who live them." Isn't that good! My trials are not in vain! I don't want to miss out on this crown of life! So as we run this race, asking questions on the way, trying to figure out these lessons we are learning, we will persevere. Isn't He GOOD!! I know my Redeemer lives and that it is He in me that allows me to face my tomorrows!

While I am waiting...

I HATE WAITING!!! But, that is one of the new lessons that God is teaching me in my life. Actually, it's not a new lesson, it's just one of the things that I just can't seem to get a hold of in my life. I want things like yesterday. I have always been like this. But I know God has so much more for me. So much comes when we wait for things in life. I learn so much during that waiting time. We of course are in a waiting period again now as we wait to be able to try to have another baby. It's during this time that I become restless. God what should I do now? Some days I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I don't fit in with the younger friends without kids, because we are almost 10 years younger than they are and in a different place in life. Since we do not have kids (here on earth) it's hard to fit in with those our age who are doing things with their kids. Let me make this clear, this has nothing to do with others, it has to do with my own perception of life. I have some awseome friends who are with kids and without! I love spending time with them all. This is more about me and where I am some days. There are days I love spending time hearing others kids laugh and play. There are some days when I will be talking to a friend and the sound of their children's voices hurt my heart so much I want to snap. So what do I do as I wait??

I remember back last fall for my birthday, Brent took me to see the movie Fireproof. What an amazing movie that was. I loved it. There was this song about waiting that I loved. After I left the movie, the song was out of mind out of sight. But today, the Lord brought it back to me. I was getting my hair done and I heard the song at the hair salon (it is owned by a christian couple.. cool huh!) Anyway, it's by John Waller called "I am Waiting." I posted the song and the lyrics. Isn't it so neat how our God speaks to us at the perfect moment. During my waiting... I will serve!! I will still Love you Lord, Serve you Lord out of obedience!! Just to speak the name Jesus is so sweet and helps calm my nerves and makes the all that I am waiting for worth it!

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting

I will serve You

While I'm waiting

I will worship

While I'm waiting

I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am peaceful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it's not easy

But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve you while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Another Part of God's plan

I never imagined this would take place when I first began this blog!! I began my blog at the "suggestion" of my friend Jen. I thought it would be fun to keep up with friends and share some pictures and other fun stuff happening in our little world. Of course I didn't except the Lord would take us on such a journey this past year and that our blog would become a life line for us some days. In the middle of this journey I have been amazed at the outpouring of support and love that we have gotten from so many people. I don't know why I have been amazed because isn't that what God's children do... love on each other with the Love of Jesus? What has blown me away is all of my new precious Blog friends who I have come to adore and love very much!! Isn't that just like the Lord to bring new friends together walking through a similar journey at the same time and living all over the country and yet our lives are woven together the common thread of our love for our Savior. The encouragement of these ladies to me has been amazing. The out pouring of their hearts have been an encouragement to me and many days has been the calming assurance that I need to know I am not alone in this journey and that there are others that "get me."

I believe God has a plan for all of our lives for sure. This is just part of His plan for us today. I don't' want to take granted the special new friends God has given me. Please join me in praying for my friends Kerry, Casey, Nancy, Jody, and Hilary. I know there are many other names of new friends as well, but here are just a few to add as you continue to pray for our family, pray for them too! I get excited to watch and see how small pieces of God's plan unfold before our eyes and bring ladies from different walks of life, different areas of the country and yet we can be so connected because of our relationship with the Lord what He is doing in our life today!

Jesus we are so thankful for friends to dance with

For your continuing guidance and special

Touches in our lives that make

It easier to walk through today!

You are so good - Even in the Storms

We Praise you, and dance to the music

You give us in our daily lives!!

Good, Just Good

I have been meaning to update this since last week, but just couldn't find the right words to share. First, God really blessed us so much by allowing me on Tuesday evening to have a miscarriage at home. Although... I must confess that, giving birth to Carter and miscarrying this baby both HURT about the same amount!! (maybe a small exaggeration but not to far off). I never thought about getting an epidural before, but Tuesday night I was looking for the epidural man to come and give me some help!! (I was not able to find such a person in my house, so motrin, heat and lot's of prayer had to do!!) Although it was a great relief and Brent and I are both glad to be done with that part of this journey, I find myself nervous about getting pregnant again. There is nothing I want more than to be pregnant and have a sweet baby that looks just like my sweet husband and a little like me! But, this emotional pain that we are having to go through as well as just the fear of this happening again and again and again.... makes me question this whole process. Then I am reminded of how Good the Lord really is and that if we are supposed to have a sweet baby God will provide that. I have been reading and memorizing the verse from Psalms 37:4. If we delight in the Lord, He WILL give us the desires of our heart. This is our hearts desire and we feel called to have children. We are not ready to give up yet (although I am feeling like an elephant. Did you know they are pregnant for 23 months before they have their babies!!!) Although total I have only been pregnant for 8 months (almost 6 months the first time and 10 weeks this time) it still sort of feels like a year. In 2008 we found out that we were pregnant the first week of April. As we end this pregnancy in the first week of March our doctor says that we could be pregnant as soon as 4 to 6 weeks from now!! So we will be right back to the same dates that we were pregnant last year.

I say all of this to say: When I look and think about this situation with my human ears and my fleshly understanding of life, I think... This isn't fair. There are so many teenage girls who get pregnant that are not married, do drugs and could care less about having a child. Or how many times have I had to counsel a women who have had an abortion (I meet a lady once who had 5 abortions by the time she was a freshman in college!! Can you imagine.) BUT... I am reminded again about what fairness is in the eyes of the Lord. It isn't fair that God allows me to serve Him. It isn't fair that God would allow me to enter into His holy presence and live with Him for eternity! That is not fair. All of the challenges in life that we are experiencing, really are just more chance for us to praise the Lord in all times!

It brings me back to the blog that I talked about last month. When we enter into the storms in our lives, that is when we need to ask the Lord to teach us how to Dance in the Rain. I thought I knew how to dance. In fact I felt sure that I was dancing! But here I am, grabbing my dancing shoes again and getting my groove on ... again as I wait my turn. I am waiting for God to call me my name when it is SHOW TIME. It is amazing that God is always on time. Even when we don't realize what a bible study is all about, or a quote that someone shares with us or even a sermon that we may walk away from thinking how does that apply to me? It is usually a few days later that we look back and say, I got it! This is what that was for. The Angela Thomas Bible Study I took was just that for me. I thought my time of waiting was over (since I knew I was pregnant during that study), but here I am waiting again. I am determined this time to dance during this storm instead of jumping into the hole of darkness that seemed to surround me last fall. My turn WILL COME!! I AM SURE OF THAT!!! So I say it again.... LET'S DANCE!!

Our joy through Tears - Brought more tears

I was so excited to tell my blog friends that WE ARE PREGNANT!!! (I have been wanting to blog this for 5 weeks now!)

BUT... we found out today at our first dr appointment that our baby stopped growing at 6 weeks (we are 8 weeks now). At our ultrasound today, our doctor shared that there was no longer a heart beat and our baby had passed. I had never gotten a real peace about this baby. I begged the Lord to allow everything to be okay. I really wanted to believe that it would be okay, but as soon as the Ultrasound begun today, I knew something was wrong. They believe Baby Spears passed last week. As of right now, I still have no signs of miscarrying. With the help of our doctor, we have chosen to allow a natural miscarriage to occur. Although, if we do not miscarry in 2 1/2 weeks, I will have a D&C. (I really don't want that) I wanted to show you the message that I had prepared and the story behind this sweet baby, even though this is not what we expected to be sharing today.

On August 17, 2008 I posted a blog called Joy through Tears. Our pastor told us at Carter's funeral to look for a joy for the tears we have shed since we lost our little boy Carter. Brent and I thought it was such a sweet gift that Carter lived for 1 hr and 21 minutes because Brent was born on 1-21! Well, again that day has become significant in our family again. On Brent's bday (1-21) this year... we found out that we are PREGNANT!!!! We are due October 3rd.


Now we need you to keep praying for us!

* Pray first and foremost for a quick and safe miscarriage.

* Pray for our anxiety (especially Jenna) I am having to battle fear of so much right now as well as a lot of hurt.

* Our doctor has said that we have a lot to be thankful for. There is nothing indicating that I can not have another baby and we can try again as soon as 6 weeks from now.

* Pray for us as we continue to grieve the loss of Carter and now the loss of our second baby

* Pray as we continue to seek out peace. Once again, we cannot trace God's hand, but we trust His heart.

* Pray that this is the last deposit that we make in heaven as far as the Spears children.

Brent and I both so desperately desire to be Godly parents. We want so much to have children of our own. In fact we both feel called to be parents. Right now, we are hurt, confused, mad and sad that we are having to walk this journey again. This is so different than the loss we experienced with Carter. But at the same time the pain is so similar and disappointment is so familiar to us. Some times it is so hard to really walk out the faith we have in Lord. At the same time, I know that He loves us so much and wants to bless us. We will, no matter what trust Him, even when it hurts!!

Stinkin Computer

I have held out long enough, but my stinkin computer could not keep up!! A little computer history for me is that I got my first laptop while I was in seminary. I was great at the time. I was blessed enough to get the extra warranty in case anything happened. Well it happened three times. Best Buy says after three visits to the service department, you got yourself a lemon. When you get a lemon, Best Buy makes a little lemonade and will give you a new computer. So I walked out with a new computer three years ago. Since then, my new computer drinks its own battery, it often shuts itself off, (when i am in the middle of something important) and finally the latest the powercord finally quit. My good friends husband fixed the cord for me once, but the stinkin computer won again. So, now I am stuck using my hubbies computer until the cord comes in. My new battery has already arrived (half charged), but of course the computer cord will not be here until Monday!! Goodness! So maybe by Monday I will be online with my own stuff again!

We are about to embark on once again a busy time in our lives. Baseball is starting tomorrow. Basketball is not finished yet (of course these are the two teams that Brent is coaching). This weekend we are so excited to have two different families to join us for dinner on Saturday and lunch on Sunday. It's just neat to be able to get together with good friends. Then we will begin another BIG week with lots and lots going on! I look forward to sharing more with my blog friends on our events of next week! God is doing so much with Brent and I both in so many areas of our lives! (if I only had my own stinkin computer working right!)

Valentine Day

My husband sent me this message today. It was taken from today's Our Daily Bread. I thought it was so appropriate! Happy Valentine Day!

Like many people, I enjoy the Google homepage artwork that appears on special days and holidays. Last Valentine’s Day, the artistic logo showed an older couple—a man with a cane and a white-haired woman—walking hand in hand as the woman held two heart-shaped balloons. It was a beautiful reminder that while our culture glorifies youthful romance, true love has many stages during our journey through life.

Paul’s great essay in 1 Corinthians 13 celebrates the depth and tenacity of the love that carries us beyond self-interest and mere affection. “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails” (vv.4-8).

Brian Wren has captured this reality in his moving hymn, “When Love Is Found”:

When love is tried as loved ones change,
Hold still to hope though all seems strange,
Till ease returns, and love grows wise
Through listening ears and opened eyes.
© Hope Publishing Co.

When our commitments are tested in the fires of life, no matter what difficulties we face, may God grant us a greater experience of His enduring love and the grace to demonstrate it each day. — David C. McCasland

God’s love is a fabric that never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the waters of adversity.

What would you do?

Brent and I had this "discussion" last night about a situation that happened to me yesterday. So, in order to help us out, we would like all of you (blog stalkers and blog followers alike) to give us a hand by responding to tell us what you would do!

I went to the Verizon Store to have a new phone activated. The nice lady (yet slightly intimidating) was helping me remove the back off of the phone. She had to go into the back room in order to get additional assistance. When she returned (15 minutes later...) she returned to her seat behind the counter. I couldn't help to notice the change that had occurred while she was gone. When she returned her black dress pants now had a very LARGE tear in the frontal area!!! I can share with you that she was wearing orange undergarments, if you get my drift! I didn't know what to do. I thought about the options: of writing her a note, telling her outright, praying that a co-worker would have more guts than I did or ignorning the situation. What made it more challenging, was there were several men standing behind her that appeared to be from "corporate" and watching her, etc. I said nothing to her.

Brent believes that it was my human duty to tell her about her dilemma!!Brent said that he was in that position while working at a bank during seminary. A customer had his "fly open" and Brent took the writing a note approach and received a very welcoming response from the gentleman...something about "man code".

For the record, this situation happened to me TWICE, where I was the victim. I had a skirt that torn down the back once in a resturant, where no one told me what happened. I returned the skirt, since it was brand new, and less than a year after the first event, it happened again after leaving Sunday School one Sunday. Again, no one shared with me what had happened. I would have liked to think that maybe no one noticed!!! (My husband did tell me both times once we got in the car to go home.)

SO, WHAT WOULD YOU DO??? Leave us your comments.