Special Gift

I wanted to include this in my last blog, but decided that it deserved a blog of it's own. My friend Jen had told me she was making me something special for my birthday. And she did as you can see from the picture. In her card she sent, she reminded us of the gift the Lord gave Brent and I the day we took it each other as man and wife. Although we no longer have our son Carter here on earth with us, what a gift it is to remember that we are a family, The Spears!! I pray daily the Lord will bless us again with more children. ( The funny thing about this gift is that Jen and I both have the same exact dishes, which are blue and I have a blue and white kitchen. So this gift was made especially for my kitchen.) Thanks Jen! I love you friend.

By the way... make sure to scroll down and check out my older post. I FINALLY posted pictures!!

Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving, a day when we should feel overwhelmed with a thankful heart, seemed somewhat harder this year. This Thanksgiving was so much fun and such a special day regardless of what life we have lived the last three months. Brent and I spent the day at our friends grandmothers house with all of their family. There are some families that you spend time with at holidays and you feel like a stranger. But that is not how we feel about this family. They made us feel like we were supposed to be there. Brent and I both walked away saying how we felt so welcomed, warm and loved! Thanks Bullard/Ford/Cook clan. We love you guys. But like I started, it took a little more for me to be thankful this year. It is so easy to be thankful when times are going well and life is easy. I realized how tough it was this year to be truly thankful when I feel so hurt, sad and angry still. I know how much I have to be thankful for and how God is daily working on my heart to conform me to be more like him. Brent and I talked about how many changes we feel like we have been making in the last few weeks. I got a new haircut (just a little shorter and darker color), we have spent every weekend trying to clean out a new room in our house and get rid of whatever things we have not used lately. Brent and I both have been trying to work out several times a week in order to feel healthier. We are doing whatever we can to prepare ourselves and our lives for another gift the Lord would allow to have in the future. No matter what the rest of this year brings, we are thankful for the fact that the Lord is not done with us yet!

Ask me, don't ask me...

This is my struggle. I can't tell you how many times in a single week the question, "Do you have any children?" comes up. I was reading another friends blog who lost her son as well, and the struggle she has with this same question. This past Thursday was a pretty tough day for me, and being asked this question hurts sometimes. Before we had Carter, this question was easy for us. No we don't have children, or while we were pregnant, I would just proudly say that we were expecting our first in December. Now... this question is so bittersweet. I love it when people ask me because I am able to talk about my Carter and share his and our testimony of what the Lord is doing in our life. At the same time, answering this questions makes people give me the look of pity or they get very uncomfortable and stop talking with me. I just hate that all of this is so awkward and hard to talk about. I did have one lady who confused me with another friend of mine and thought that I was pregnant again. It killed me to tell her that it wasn't me it was someone else. Of course people are just trying to be helpful, but several ladies will tell me that I need to just keep waiting and not get pregnant too soon. "Give your body time to heal." My body is healed and I can have another baby in Feb, unless the Lord allows us to get pregnant before then. But, I just don't need to be reminded of the fact that I am not pregnant today. Bittersweet.

So don't be afraid to ask me about my son, and don't be afraid if I cry. I will cry some days, but don't be afraid of my tears. Let me cry. This is how God is healing my heart! Thanks to all of you who go out of your way to love on me and to help me through this time. SO... ASK ME!!

Cardboard Testimony

Front Side of Cardboard

Backside of my cardboard

Thursday was our last Ladies Bible Study at our church, for this year. To celebrate our time together we had a brunch (we had great food), a speaker who shared her testimony of how the Lord loved her through a very difficult time in her life, and Cardboard Testimonies. I was asked to take part in this testimony time. I was doing great with it. I even was able to read what was on my card without any tears. Well, until I had to get in line and walk on the stage. Here I was again, some place I didn't want to be, sharing a story I didn't want to have as part of my testimony. Bittersweet.

For those of you who do not know what Cardboard Testimonies are, let me explain. (You can also find some examples on http://www.godtube.com/) Several people write on one side of a piece of cardboard an aspect of your testimony (ususally is some bad or a tough situation that the Lord brought you through). Then on the other side of the card, you write what the Lord has done in redeeming that situation. ) For example, one of my friends wrote that "She was a teen mom faced with a choice." She brought her daughter with her who held up the other side of the cardboard that read, "glad for the choice my mother made." Another friend wrote "Mischarriage July 2008", on the back it said something like "waited on the Lords timing and pregnant due April 2009". I took a picture of mine and posted it below. When I got on the stage, I wasn't able to look at a single lady because they were all crying by then. It was really a sweet time of sharing. Back on August 10th, the day after we lost Carter, Brent was supposed to share his cardboard testimony in Sunday School. Never did we imagine that we would get another chance to share and that this would be our story. But... we are on a journey and the Lord does have a plan and it is good.

Vera Bradley

November 6th I turned 35. I knew it would be tough to be 35 but without Carter, it was terrible. I cried most of the day. I was depressed and frustrated and it didn't seem like my birthday. I was so looking forward to my bday this year knowing I was going to be pregnant and would be getting ready for his/her arrival at any time! I wanted to have children before I was 35, but I had at least had the plan that I would be 35 and having my first baby. Anything less than that, just wasn't make me feel fulfilled.

I am a gifts person. When I take Dr. Chapman's love language test, I test high on getting gifts as my love language. After the day I had, it was such a treat to receive the special gift I had specifically asked my husband for, for my bday! (I emailed him a picture of this purse and talked about it all of the time so he wouldn't forget!!) Brent not only gave me the purse, he even bought me a bday cake and wrapped it up. It was pretty funny. He took me to dinner the next night to a restaurant called California Dreaming. We had a special time. The big thing was that he tried so hard to give me such a special weekend regardless of how sad we both felt. It was so sweet. I love you honey.

On that Friday several of my special girlfriends from church took me and my friend Lisa to breakfast at our favorite breakfast place, Mimi's. (Lisa's bday is the day before mine. She is just a little bit older than I am, but to keep our friendship, I will not share her age!! She is a youngster though!! Love ya Lisa) One of my favorite gifts I got that day was from another friend Lisa. Lisa had helped me dry the flowers from Carter's funeral and has been helping me turn them into a wreath. We had so many flowers left over, Lisa took the roses and babies breathe and put them on a small wreath with a little mirror underneath the wreath and a candle resting on top of the mirror. (check out the photo below) On the candle, she engraved Carter's name and birthday. It was so thoughtful and special to me. So although that was not the bday I had wanted, I walked away feeling the Lord's love through my friends and family. I also felt that I will one day celebrate a birthday again with the joy and excitement I have felt so many other times.

Sonscape

Up close deer (we saw 100's of them)
Our group

This is where we ate our meals and fellowshipped

Brent feeding the ducks

Wow, I can't believe it has been so long since I have blogged. There has been so many times that I have thought that I needed to blog something we had been doing, and just didn't have it in me to actually write. Many of you read about our little vacation that Brent and I took for Labor Day weekend. It was such a treat to be offered the opportunity to go out of town, but the vacation itself was not what we needed. A few days after my last blog (middle of October) we received a phone call from some very very precious friends of ours who live in Texas. This couple will never know how much they minister to us in so many little ways even though we don't get to see them very often at all. (We love you guys!) Anyway, they called and told us about a special ministry to ministers that allow you to go and be loved on for a week in the mountains of GA or the mountains of Colorado. We quickly prayed about this opportunity and then began working out the details. The retreat is called Sonscape and is located on the campus of Berry College in Rome GA. They only have this retreat a few times a year in GA. The retreat is designed to give couples a week or lots of free time in order to reconnect with the Lord. There is a couple who works for Sonscape that leads the actually retreat and does 4 days of teaching and then about 6 hours of counseling with each couple. The retreat begins on a Friday and last until the following Friday. They didn't even have church for us to go to. (We both love church, but the time to just spend with the Lord and not be obligated to a church service was so sweet!) The couple that lead our retreat just so happened to be (stay with me here) my best friend Jen Jordans neighbor when she lived in Indiana. This just added to our excitement. We left our sweet Wrigley with a friend and off to Rome we went. Jeannie and Bob. Additionally their is a host family that cooks all of our meals and takes care of any other needs we may have had. Joe and Mickie were our sweet host! We will never forget them for sure.

I really thought that I had been doing so well since Carter's death. I was back at work, I was able to tell his story many times without crying and was actually beginning to smile again. It was like the minute we stepped foot on the campus, the flood gates were open for me and I didn't stop crying the entire week. I had stuffed the pain and anger I was feeling away so that I was able to go on with life. Being out in the woods where you are alone with your thoughts and surrounded by the Lord's creation, true feelings begin to come out. My just kept coming and coming. I felt bad for the other couples who were with us. I am sure they think I never stop crying. I needed that though. I realized that I am so MAD and so ANGRY that I lost my little boy. I am still not at my due date yet, that makes me mad. I still have friends who are fearful of talking to me, that makes me mad. I have lots of people I know that are pregnant and have recently gotten pregnant and that makes me hurt. I am not mad or angry with the Lord just at how much this hurts. I hate feeling angry too. I had hoped to skip that emotion. I know I had fooled several friends who felt like I was doing well (because I told them that). But I wasn't and there are still a lot of days that I am not. I wish some days I could just stay in bed. I wish come days I didn't have to walk past an empty crib. I love holding friends babies, but hate that it isn't my baby. I hate the looks that I get from people afraid of what I may say or do, but hate that people don't ask me how I am. I am so glad we had the chance to go to this retreat so that I can begin to stop and figure out how to move forward.

I have so many other things to blog on, but to keep attention... I will break the blogs up into pieces. I will post pictures of SonScape later.

Light a Candle for Carter and others

Today is October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. At 7:00 pm everyone is asked to light a candle for all of the families that have lost a baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death. I know that there are an insane amount of families who have lost children this way. We will light a candle in their honor and as a way of remembering our son Carter.

Carter - your family misses you and does feel comfort that you are playing in heaven and being loved on by Jesus today. It's been a little over two months since you have been gone and it still feels like yesterday. Lord I want to thank you for each day we had Carter in our lives here on earth. Thank you for the joy I had as a mother to get to know him in such a special way. Lord you are good!! Thank you for the blessings you have given us so far. We are so thankful for all of our friends and family that continue to donate to Carter's memorial fund at North Metro FBC child development center. Carter will always be our "little missionary."

Moving Forward - October 15th, 2008

I had seen several people's websites talking about October 15th being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I have tried to ignore the idea of it because it sounds so terrible to me. Next week is my best friend Jen's birthday and her son's birthday. I really wanted to try and just focus on those joyous occasions, but it seems I can't get away from the reality of the events that have occurred in my life. I get so frustrated when I get taken over by these feelings of anger and hurt. I feel as if I will move several steps forward and then all of a sudden, something will hit me like a hammer and there I am back where I started, living the events of August 9th all over again. It is getting easier to talk about. In fact I can talk about Carter and like to talk about him. But on my terms! Isn't that sound so selfish. It is selfish, but I feel like I have earned that right to be a little selfish for a little time. I still have several friends who are going to be delivery within the next month. I even have a friend who will be having her daughter tomorrow. How bittersweet. I so badly wanted to tell friends how excited I am, but it's hard some days to go up to my pregnant friends knowing that should still be me. Each night when I go to bed, I think maybe tonight will be the night that I won't have a dream or nightmare about Carter. Maybe tonight will be the night that I will go to sleep and wake up and still be pregnant not knowing the sex of the baby that I am carrying. Then I wake, only to realize, the dream is really a reality.

I have laughed again. I have dreamed again. I am looking forward to the day that I can tell my husband we are having another baby. I feel ready to be pregnant again. Not to replace Carter, but to move forward. The Lord continues to fill my life with some many lessons of His goodness and His grace. I am trying to each day remember to trust Him. Each day I am trying to seek to grow closer to His heart and seek out His voice to hear what He desires for me.

Recently Brent and I started to attend a new Sunday School class at church. This was a tough decision, as we had been in our other class for the past year or so. The class had grown so much that they had "birthed" a new class and the time felt right for us to move "up." We are now trying out a class with couples closer to our age. The one thing that God has blown me away with is how in our last class, there were so many girls having their first babies, just like we were. It was perfect timing to be able to compare and talk to the girls about our experiences. After losing Carter, I struggled going back to the class because I did not want to have to face the reality of the fact that life changed so much for us. So after the second Sunday in our new class, we have already meet two families who also lost children in a similar way that we lost Carter! Isn't it just like the Lord to bring you the people you need when you need them!!! Others who have walked in our shoes. I found this poem on the website that tells more information about October 15th, 2008. This speaks to what I feel on so many days! Karen and Jen, maybe instead of lemons I need to go out and buy myself a really UGLY pair of shoes!!!

"An Ugly Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable Shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the other one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in the world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have work the shoes so long that days will go bybefore they think of how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

My Famous Family

Okay so not quite famous! But, several months back my family (meaning my Mom, Dad and sister,had the chance to go to Poolesville MD to be a part of the TV show Extreme Home Makeover. My family lives just outside of Poolesville in Maryland. I wish I would have had an opportunity to post or send out an email to watch the show tonight, but my mom had just mentioned the show would be on to me last night, and to be honest, I had so much to do last night and today that I forgot until we were leaving church this evening that the show was even on. We came home from church in time to see the second half of the show. Brent and I don't have any of the high tech TIVO stuff, so we didn't get to tape the show. We did make it in time to see Kara on the show twice. She also shared with us tonight that she is on the website of the home builder. The website is http://www.classicextreme.net/photos_day6.htm Kara is in image 6 of 41 on day 6. For those of you who do not know her, in the photo you are getting a side view of Kara. She is on the far right side, right in front of the tall gentleman that has reddish hair. You really are seeing Kara's left ear and the fact that she is smiling. What neat once in a lifetime experience they got to have.

Mr Brent and Cody ... hit the circus tour

Well, not really - just went to the circus ... and HAD A BLAST, come on! I like that, "Mr. Brent" ... sounds like a Monk episode. My original intent was to share about the circus experience a lot earlier in the week, especailly after my lovely wife put the pressure on. However, I have been inspired by great bloggers such as Jen and Karen - legends in the blog world in their own right ... by their "Wordless Wednesday" entries with pictures. So, I thought I would try a "Wordless Week" entry with photos.

Ya, my wife is not buying it either. Truth is: it has just been a busy week.

The pictures are from the circus, Cody and I had the privelege to attend earlier this month. Wow, if Barnum and Bailey Circus comes to your town, GO. Jenna secured us tickets several months back and I have to tell you, the circus has come a long way - I am serious they do it right, it flowed. From the traveling Frenchman - who was hilarious, who not only emceed the event but could ride a bike about the size of my tennis shoe in circles and through a circle of fire to the dancing Dachshunds moving in sync {Wrigley - not so much cut out for the circus I'm afraid ... just not her lot} to the acrobatic stunts to the angled Archer who could not miss - are you kidding me - how did he do that ... to the elegant elephants {sitting on each other, mind you - ohhh looked painful - really did} to the makeupless clown performing a Matrix like stunt with a pole coming toward him. Yes, that is what I said too, "makeupless" clown. I know - the perfect circus, right?
It was sort of redemption for me. The first and only other time I have been to a circus, was when I was a child ... and the clowns came around before the show to gather any willing and excited children to go down on the floor and meet the crew/animals. Well, I was neither - willing or excited. In fact, I freaked out and stayed close to Mom. Over the years, I have regreted that decision and wondered what would have happened, what would have been, how would my life be different today. I mean, would I have taken more risks, ventured out more limbs - would I ever by able to trust people, people with makeup/wigs and large red noses? Questions never answered, but I really did regret - so, it was pretty cool to get to go onto the floor with Cody and see some of the crew before the show ... makeupless clowns, I love it!

Cody is probably one of the coolest kids, I have ever known, I mean he is really a 22 yr old trapped in a 6 yr old little body, he is funny - I tell you. Throughout the night, I was reminded that he was only 6, though. I guess it was when he saw the vendors walking madly around with several ... several ... several mulit-colored bright glow sticks and the children all wanting one {good ole' supply and demand at its best - tugging at the heart strings of every child in the stadium ... is there a law on this type of price gouging with these type of products ... I mean I can understand the gas price crisis we are facing here in Atlanta, may not like it - but at least understand the basics of it ... but swirling light toys {that they tell you will look so wonderful in the dark when the show is going on} that will in reality only be tossed in the air for a few hours in a dark stadium for a circus event ... only to be tossed into a closet among other well thought out marketing exploits to sit for years...unless of course, you do E-bay like my wife and so many others, than there is at least a positive return on investment}. Ok, ok - enough about economics - what do I know - it took me 3 times to pass Finance in college, I am serious. But, I did graduate with a Marketing degree - so it drives me crazy when I see these gimmicks, ok - enough. But Cody really wanted one - but once the traveling Frenchman came onto the stage he had moved on and was having more fun helping me take pictures with my cell phone so we could send over to Mrs. Jenna
... or when we went to get our snack during intermission, the Lion shaped - snow cone cup for $12 bucks - what! His little 6 yr old mind had to have it ... but, we agreed to share a pretzel and coke {had some great popcorn when we got home, too}.

My sweet - creative wife ... put a booklet together for Cody to gather autographs from the crew and for pictures of the evening to go into. Cody loved it. All in all - great night. Whew, no wonder I never blog, this is timely - but fun.

Best time

I have asked my husband to give a recap of his Friday night special date. He has said he would. Until he does (this is his incentive) I will post a little teaser!! Wish I was there.

Showing off their tickets

Fist Pumping
The BIG TOP!!

Waiting for their ride home

Change

I hate change! So everything that has happened in the past month, has been that much tougher for me. I was just getting used to the changes in my body, our lives, the fact that I was pregnant, the idea of being a mom, taking on the roll of mom and wife, and the idea of all of the additional upcoming changes that would occur. I hate change so much some times, that even when our pastor at church has to go out of town and doesn't preach on Sunday, I do not like that change and look forward to having him back preaching again. I hate when Brent has to go out of town, or when my favorite TV show is supposed to be on and it isn't because of a "presidential debate..." you get the point. Typically the change ends up that it is a good thing or at least at some point something I am able to deal with and can learn from. But... I still just do not like it at all.


Then there are days that I welcome change. I changed the look of my blog today (and spent more time than necessary on doing the change and I took Jen down with me! Sorry Jen I was responsible for "wasting your afternoon, although I had a blast doing it.) I like to get up and just go and do something that is different from what we had planned for the day. I like to change my hair (color and cut some times). Some days I welcome change.


This week has been that for me. On Friday I had my hair cut and colored by my sweet friend from church Tina. I got so tired of the grey hair poking through and the frizz mess that kept happening. My friend Tina was so sweet to do me a favor and do my hair at the last second. On Saturday, which is usually the hardest day of the week for me, because that is the day Carter was born, we had planned on staying home all day long just doing nothing. We woke up to discover Wrigley's allergies were out of control and that we needed to make an emergency visit to the vet. She was fine, and needed some cortisone to get her over the hump of allergy season. Funny story: while we were in the vet's office, I had a crying breakdown. They had taken Wrigley back to be weighed and Brent and I started to just talk. I totally broke down crying. About the same time, one the vet techs, walks into the room and tells us Wrigley will be right back. It was funny because I had to try to convince her that I was not crying because of Wrigley. I didn't want to share with her what was wrong and how I was just sad. The sweet lady gave me a box of Kleenex and asked one more time if there was something she could do. I thanked her and said that it had been a tough time for us right now, and that I would be okay. There you have it, my first official, embarrassing public breakdown. There will be more of those I am sure! And that is okay. We are so afraid of people crying and often don't know what to do when they do cry. I have learned that it is okay for others to cry and that we don't have to feel uncomfortable when others cry. Just let them cry!


After coming home, and lots of crying and emotions running very high for me, we decided that we would head to the Gwinnett County Fair. Our plan was to go and get a funnel cake and just see all that they had. The fair is okay, nothing special, but was the distraction that we needed that day. Brent and I both struggle doing "fun things" that cost money because of how much it has cost us to have Carter and all of the other things that have come with that. At the same time, we have found that we have to get out of the house and do fun stuff or we will both be depressed. After the fair, we had dinner and walked around the mall to work off the funnel cake!!


As another week begins for me, as I take on a few more clients this week, I am trying to focus on myself and what it is that I need! I have been talking to a special friend of mine who is also in counseling for some additional advice on how to continue to seek the Lord in all things! What an encouraging word she gave me was to try and spend time doing for me and relaxing. Brent and I both are seeking that time for ourselves alone and with each other. Brent has a special date planned for Friday night with a special friend of his. His little friend Cody (who is 5) and Brent will be at the Circus on Friday. It's hard to imagine him doing that with another little boy and not with Carter, but it is a joy to see him be able to spend that time with Cody who he loves so much. (Cody is a big fan of Brent's as well. Cody lost his daddy in 2005. Since this past spring he and Brent have formed a special bond and love doing things together! I can't wait to hear all about their time at the circus! Sure wish I got an invitation to go, but it's a boy's night out! Maybe next time.

My heart

I have shared on this blog a few times already about a new friend I have made since we lost Carter. My new friend Casey Chappell, (I went to college with her husband), they lost their son Asher on August 9th as well at 9:08 pm. (I'd like to think Carter and Asher are friends in heaven. I love how they both have such cool names!!!) Casey and Dan also have a blog that they have been sharing what the Lord is doing in their lives right now. Casey has this poem on her site that describes in words, what is in my heart. I couldn't help but copy it and paste this poem here. Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since I last held my little boy (many don't know that Brent and I had the chance to go to the funeral home before Carter's funeral and see him in his little outfit given to us by the hospital as well as take pictures and hold him one more time. That was such a sweet sweet time for both Brent and I. It was hard to leave knowing that I would never see him on earth again, but such a blessing to see him dressed in a little outfit and to be able to talk to him by myself outside of the hospital). I miss him so much. Each day I look more forward to heaven. I have been taking a class on Thursday mornings at our Ladies Bible Study at church called Heaven. I learn more about Carter's new home each week. Each week I walk away and desire heaven more and more. Not only to see Carter, but to just live in a place where there is perfect peace and to have the chance to do nothing but worship. What a day that will be.

Here is the cry of my heart right now. Thanks for continued prayer and for continuing to read my ramblings.

Missing you....

Dear Lord, one precious baby there with You belongs to me- A perfect, tiny wonder whom I long so much to see. So recently within my life my baby took a part; And yet, my baby holds so large a place within my heart. Today that place is empty- just a memory there Of sweet anticipation of a life I'd hoped to share. 'Twas You Who took my baby home to be with You above; Please may my empty, broken heart find comfort in Your love. Remind me, in my loss, the child I love feels only gain- For You saw fit to spare my child from sorrow, fear, and pain. No tragedy will ever fall upon this little life, No lonely moments, no distress from unkind words or strife. Nor shall my baby ever feel the struggle from within, For in my baby's heart today there's not a trace of sin. Oh, loving Lord, Who chose to spare my child from all of this, When heavy is my heart, just let me glimpse my baby's bliss. And may I joy in knowing that my baby is with You-- For living in your presence is what I, too, long to do! So from this day, may this my new anticipation be: One day I'll see my baby who went home ahead of me! -author unknown

Your mommy misses you Christopher Carter Spears and I look forward to a day when I will be able to be in the same place as you again. I hope to hold you again one day (if the Lord allows) but am comforted to know, if I can't have you in my arms, your safe in stronger, safer arms than mine! Thank you Jesus for holding my baby boy.

Time flying by

It was four weeks on Saturday since we lost Carter. Tomorrow is actually September 9th, one official month already. Time is flying by. That first week it felt like time was standing still. I keep wondering in my mind how will I feel a month from now? Would I make it to a month? Would this pain in my heart force me to stop breathing? I feel like for that to have happened, I would have given Satan glory. I refuse to allow Satan anything!! I want the Lord to be given all of the glory for anything that we feel and any special day we make it through. This weekend, our good friends the Bullards, had us over for pizza and a little "Wii" action on Saturday night. I am so glad that we got to do that, so I didn't focus on the day. Although, the funny thing is that, Lisa, Steve, Brent and I were all together four weeks earlier in the hospital together. I yelled for Lisa to and asked (well maybe screamed) for her to come hold my hand while I was in labor. Some how it brought comfort to be with the same family, in a different setting, a few weeks later.

I am excited that tomorrow I will be going to north GA to be with some other ministers and their wives for a "wellness retreat." Again, it will be good to have the focus on other people besides myself. I have found that some days giving to others or just being around other people is helpful. Of course, I still have several days that I just want to be alone at home. That is okay too.

I shared with Brent how much I enjoy going to church each Sunday and look forward to it and even find corporate worship very comforting. At the same time, it is privately so hard to be there. Carter used to kick me like crazy all during the worship service. Not just during the music, but during Dr. Cox's sermons too. Sitting in the service, just being still, is hard for me. This again is another way that Brent and I experience things differently. I would mention to him that I was being kicked, but he never felt it or experienced that feeling like I did. As time passes, I feel like I am going to forget what it feels like to carry Carter inside of me. Right now, it is still fresh in my mind. I still find myself touching my empty stomach, wishing I could feel one more kick. I am so thankful to the Lord that I was able to carry Carter for as long as I did, and was able to experience that feeling of him moving, turning and dancing inside of me. What a joy I will be able to cherish for a lifetime!

I went back to work today for the first time. The Lord has brought me several new clients that are experiencing situations of grief as well. It's neat to be able to really know what they are going through. Of course at the same time, I would give anything to remain ignorant on the "true feeling" of the subject. I continue to pray that the Lord uses me in whatever way He desires, so that I may see a glimpse of His plan. "Lord continue to draw me to yourself and show me more and more of your plan. Help us to be a light in this dark world. Help us to take every opportunity to share you to this lost world."

We had two incredible messages on salvation in church yesterday. It's so important in this time of "hardship" in the world today that we share a message of hope... the message of Christ. This is my prayer. I pray that the Lord will use Carter's life, and our lives, to minister to others and to take ALL opportunities to share HIS name.

How Did I miss that?

I had the best day yesterday with friends at the Yellow Daisy Festival. It's the gigantic arts and craft show (this women's dream!) at Stone Mountain park. My friends Lisa, Lisa, Cheryl, Cindy and Karen all went and spent 6 hours walking up and down the booths looking, buying, and laughing. I had no idea why I had not gone before now. It was so good to get out of the house and have some fun. I do have to admit, that I saw some incredible cute baby items that I was so tempted to buy because I kept forgetting that I was not pregnant and would not be needing some of those items. BUT, I do believe that God will give Brent and I another baby and sooner than we think. We are praying believing that God will continue to work another miracle in our life.

Labor Day part 2

Wrigley trying to get her ball. She hates the water so much, she is leaning in to get her ball, trying to stay as dry as possible.

On the bay at the Marriott Grand Hotel and Resort (they let you come use their beach access even if you are not a guest!)

If you look close, you will see the watch says 9:30 am and we are eating lunch at Whataburger. We were not going to let this hurricane ruin our lunch plans on Sunday at Whataburger.

Brent has been really excited about getting Wrigley in the ocean and having her chase her ball and just swim around with him. This was his attempt at getting her to play. (As you can tell, she is not a water dog at all!)

Labor Day Weekend

Here are a few pictures from our weekend in Silverhill, AL. (try finding it on a map. Population is only 790. Well there were 793 with Brent, Wrigley and I this weekend)

Brent's first time in 4 1/2 years in Whataburger. This is a happy boy. Jenna got to go in February when she went to visit her friend Jen in Austin.

More Whataburger

The Lord provided for us this special treat of a massage. It was much needed.

Felix Fish Camp on the Pier outside of Mobile. Brent always compares every seafood resturant to the restuarant he worked at in New Orleans. He rates Felix, as the best seafood ever!!! This is big for him.

Notice the small print at the bottom of the screen telling us to get out of town! Gustav is coming.

Vacation Cut Short

After a nice drive down to Silverhill, Al (just a little north of Gulf Shores, AL) we spent all day Saturday at the beach, getting pampered and eating at the best seafood restaurant we have ever been too. It was a full day, but fun for sure. I wouldn't say that it took our minds off of life, but it was a wonderful distraction. Brent and I were both so excited about our plans for Sunday and Monday morning. This trip, was bittersweet, yet a MUCH needed time away. Gustav did ruin our plans. After dinner on Saturday night and seeing the worse case scenario (bumper to bumper traffic) we got up around a little before 5 am and was out of the house by 6 headed home. Both of us were very disappointed after we had the whole weekend planned out and was beginning to look forward to spending the time together and being distracted.

Our trip home was uneventful. We hit a little traffic, but nothing what we had expected. We did stop and eat lunch at Brent's favorite restaurant, Whataburger. The funny thing was, we ate lunch 9:15 am! We felt so confused all day long regarding what time each meal should be. (We kept feeling like we shouldn't be hungry at 3 in the afternoon for dinner!!) We both were exhausted and felt stressed out and on edge after the "drama" of having to leave so quickly. OF course the long drive home did not help our stress level. It is always great to be back at our home in our own bed. The only problem we have now of course is that when we come home, reality hits us again. It was three weeks ago on Saturday that Carter died. Time is slipping away so fast. I still feel like it was yesterday.

I got a phone call over the weekend from a dear friend of ours. It was incredible to be able to talk to her. She shared how she too had lost her first born son (35 years ago today!) It was so neat to speak to someone who really understands how I feel. It was like she was in my head and anything I was thinking or struggling with, the Lord was using her to remind me of His word and the message He has for me.

We have to take life one day at a time. In fact, we have to take life one minute at a time these days. God continues to teach us so much. We keep praying that we are learning all that He has for us to learn.

Praise and Prayer:

Praise:
Three times we have received a bill in the mail and the next day we have received the money to pay for the bill

Our short weekend away to the beach

Jenna's body continuing to heal

Family and Friends who have been so kind and loving on us

Prayer:

Continue to pray for us to trust the Lord as bills beyond our means continue to come in

Brent and I continue to draw closer to each other and seek heed help from others when needed

Continue to pray for God's timing and healing for us to seek out the time to have future children

God continues to use Carter's life to draw us and others closer to Him

Carter's memorial fund will continue to minister to other families in our community

Prayer for Jenna who will HAVE to go back to work next week. Pray that as I minister to others, I will allow the Lord to minister to me and do my job that will honor Christ.

In the Middle of a Storm - Literally

We were given the opportunity to go to AL. near Gulf Shores for a brief get away from life as we know it in Lawrenceville. It is funny that I kept feeling like life was very much a hurricane the past few weeks. Everything has been moving so fast and has been overwhelming and feels like a dream. One minute I feel peace (the eye of a storm) the next minute the flood gates are open and nothing makes sense to us. Our hope was to take a retreat from "life" and all of the normal activities that we take part in. But being here is so peaceful (the little town we are in is so quiet. There are only 790 people that live here, and my mind begins to replay the events of the last few weeks, it hard to just be still and not continue to "do." It doesn't appear that we will be affected by the actually hurricane where we are staying, but of course that could change tomorrow. I keep trying to seek the Lord and all that He is doing. At the same time, there are moments still that I just want to ask the question why. Not that I shouldn't ask why, but I don't want to go down that road and drive myself crazy. In my mind I know God is good and this isn't punishment or that there is a totally logically answer this side of heaven. At the same time, I try to avoid touching my stomach and feeling so empty, but how can you avoid doing that? For the first few week after Carter's death, I had been looking forward to other babies and saying, how quickly can we have another child. I still feel that way, but I also get so mad that I just can't have Carter. That I just can't hold Carter one more time. That I can't have a new picture of Carter to put up on my wall.



On the other hand, I am doing a bible study at church on Heaven by Randy Alcorn. (I had not planned on taking this study, but it seemed appropriate and what the Lord wanted me to do this semester). I am seeing heaven in a whole new way. The idea of heaven and the concept of heaven is still overwhelming to me, but it is more clear to me now. The more I am understanding God's Word the more comfort I feel. (isn't it amazing that even after studying the Bible for almost 5 years in seminary, there is always so much more to understand and learn! Thank you Jesus for that! This is why God and His Word is grander than our finite imagination)


Today Wrigley, Brent and I had a wonderful drive to Silverhill, AL. We stopped and ate at Brent's favorite fast food restaurant, Whataburger. They are mostly located in Texas (of course) but there are a few here in AL. It was a treat for sure. Carla, was the lady that took our order and was a sweet Christian women. She is from the same city Brent graduated high school from. There was another lady in the restaurant that was from near by that same city. It turned out, Carla's husband owned the Whataburger and was going to have to sell the restaurant soon. He was looking for what the Lord wants him to do next. He is an ordained SBC minister. It was so neat to hear this families story and take my mind off myself for just a minute. Especially since there have been days when I am in a store or just driving down the road and want to tell people who are rushing around, laughing having a great time... What are you doing? Don't you have a clue what we have just been through? This is why it really was uplifting to talk with our new friend in the Lord! Thank you Lord for these reminders of your goodness.



I have some great pictures of Brent eating his lunch. I will post them when I can get to my own computer.



I know we will have good and bad days. Anytime I experience additional change, I have a bad day. (regardless of what is going on in my life, I am not a person who loves change!) My weepyness sometimes takes over and I will cry over everything and anything. I pray that tomorrow will be more relaxing and that God will continue to provide comfort for my soul.

Normal life?

I have struggled since losing Carter on how I will ever go back to my normal life. How do I go back to what life was like before this happened. I read something recently that time for Brent and I will always be before Carter and after Carter. I think about how do I go back to doing things I loved before? Will life ever be the same? Will the pain of seeing new first time moms ever change for me? Then I am reminded that the Lord is in control even down to these details. I worry that no one will want to come to see me as a therapist again, because they will fear that I am no longer able to do counseling. I wasn't able to do counseling on my own before Carter. It was only through the grace and the use of God's Word that I was able to minister before this. This week I have had a few families call me already asking for appointments. Even some of the calls and the "issues" people are calling about makes me see God's hand. I don't feel like I will have the same drive to take on as many families as I did before (at least for awhile), but I know and am seeing God's hand again! I stayed concerned how we will make it financially Lord. Medical records cost money, the birth certificate they suggested we get cost money, the death certificate cost money. Lord I need to work to be responsible, but I don't want to do anything out of God's will either! Just another mater of trust. I have always trusted the Lord, but since Carter, I understand what a total dependence on God is. It is more than just a trust in the Lord, but a dependence on breathing, eating, sleeping, talking, walking, driving my car without worrying, watching my husband leave the house concerned if he will come home again, and so much more. A TOTAL dependence that God is God and I am not! HE is in charge and knows what the future holds. No matter how much I worry, or how concerned I am over EVERYTHING, God is in charge and there is nothing I can do to change that! Thank you Lord for your faithfulness.