Valentine Day

My husband sent me this message today. It was taken from today's Our Daily Bread. I thought it was so appropriate! Happy Valentine Day!

Like many people, I enjoy the Google homepage artwork that appears on special days and holidays. Last Valentine’s Day, the artistic logo showed an older couple—a man with a cane and a white-haired woman—walking hand in hand as the woman held two heart-shaped balloons. It was a beautiful reminder that while our culture glorifies youthful romance, true love has many stages during our journey through life.

Paul’s great essay in 1 Corinthians 13 celebrates the depth and tenacity of the love that carries us beyond self-interest and mere affection. “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails” (vv.4-8).

Brian Wren has captured this reality in his moving hymn, “When Love Is Found”:

When love is tried as loved ones change,
Hold still to hope though all seems strange,
Till ease returns, and love grows wise
Through listening ears and opened eyes.
© Hope Publishing Co.

When our commitments are tested in the fires of life, no matter what difficulties we face, may God grant us a greater experience of His enduring love and the grace to demonstrate it each day. — David C. McCasland

God’s love is a fabric that never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the waters of adversity.

What would you do?

Brent and I had this "discussion" last night about a situation that happened to me yesterday. So, in order to help us out, we would like all of you (blog stalkers and blog followers alike) to give us a hand by responding to tell us what you would do!

I went to the Verizon Store to have a new phone activated. The nice lady (yet slightly intimidating) was helping me remove the back off of the phone. She had to go into the back room in order to get additional assistance. When she returned (15 minutes later...) she returned to her seat behind the counter. I couldn't help to notice the change that had occurred while she was gone. When she returned her black dress pants now had a very LARGE tear in the frontal area!!! I can share with you that she was wearing orange undergarments, if you get my drift! I didn't know what to do. I thought about the options: of writing her a note, telling her outright, praying that a co-worker would have more guts than I did or ignorning the situation. What made it more challenging, was there were several men standing behind her that appeared to be from "corporate" and watching her, etc. I said nothing to her.

Brent believes that it was my human duty to tell her about her dilemma!!Brent said that he was in that position while working at a bank during seminary. A customer had his "fly open" and Brent took the writing a note approach and received a very welcoming response from the gentleman...something about "man code".

For the record, this situation happened to me TWICE, where I was the victim. I had a skirt that torn down the back once in a resturant, where no one told me what happened. I returned the skirt, since it was brand new, and less than a year after the first event, it happened again after leaving Sunday School one Sunday. Again, no one shared with me what had happened. I would have liked to think that maybe no one noticed!!! (My husband did tell me both times once we got in the car to go home.)

SO, WHAT WOULD YOU DO??? Leave us your comments.

Dancing in the Rain

Really, am I still learning the same lessons again again and again?? I found myself this weekend full of anxiety and the struggle to breathe another breath again. I get so overwhelmed some days full of grief, worry, stress and hurts, that I can hardly breathe. (not great for a therapist to go through this is it?) So, Brent and I thought we would take the "day off." It was wonderful. We went on a LONG drive to North GA, we of course took Wrigs with us, and just spent time looking at the trees, feeling the cool air (it was in the 60's this weekend) and looking at the awesome mountain view. After such a relaxing day, I had big hopes of sleeping without any problems on Saturday night. But as I crawled into bed, the overwhelming stress feeling was coming back strong. So I did the only thing left (which should had been the first thing I tried) I wrote scripture after scripture in my journey about worry and anxiety. IT WORKED!! That is as long as I was asleep. When I woke up Sunday, the anxious nervous depression was back again. I went to church and as our pastor was preaching I was looking back in my journal (the one I keep of our sermons at church) to see what God has taught me this year. (not that his sermon wasn't awsome, but I knew that I needed to look back in order to move forward. There is was! The statement that helped me move forward just a few months ago. Dr. Cox had preached that Sunday about the storms of life (boy can we relate). He made this great quote saying, "When God allows Storms in our life, Ask him to teach you to dance in the rain." It's funny to me that the bible Study I am doing is all about dancing and now here the quote that helped me again was about dancing. I don't think that my anxiousness will just pass without me knowing it, but I think if I can change my focus, that will help me see the difference. In fact as life changes, when/if we have another baby, when have to move to a new house (one day we hope), or when we buy another car or just when life happens, the anxious spirit will return. But I feel like if I can get down these dancing steps, I will begin to really move towards that point of lessons learned from the Lord. That is my heart desire. I want to grow into a women of righteous confidence. I was to mature in the Lord and look like some of the ladies that I watch from a far that even when they go through the storms, I watch them dance in God's goodness through it all!! So friends... here I go off to my dancing lessons!!!

The Many Faces of A Football Fan

I love watching football with my husband. NOT because I love watching football, just laughing at my husband and all of his excitement. This was a crazy football watching year for him. He is a graduate of Texas Tech (GO RED RAIDERS). They went further this year than any year that I can remember, or at least since we have been married, (told you I didn't know football). There were many close games this year that caused my husband to yell at the TV, jump up and down yelling at the TV as if they could hear him, running up and down our stairs after a miraculous play or when Michael Crabtree caught the ball with 2 or 3 seconds left on the clock and made a touchdown to win the game against Texas! I was upstairs on our bed watching TV during that game, when I heard Brent scream and run as fast as he could up our stairs. He missed most of the stairs!!! It was so funny and almost gave me a heart attack. I wish I had the video camera out on that night. Brent has some favorite football teams that he is faithful to cheer for. He loves the Saints and of course Texas Tech. But normally, he is the guy that goes for the underdogs. So of course, last night he was a Cardinal fan. Which caused conflict for sure. My cousin Brian is a big Steelers fan! Last year, as you remeber, the Giants played the Patriots. Brent hates the Patriots. My yankee family are ALL very BIG Patriot fans. When the Giants won, Brent raced around our first floor running as fast as he could. He reminded me of Wrigley when she gets too much energy and races around and around in circles! It was so funny. He made me laugh during the whole game. I thought that I would share with you all what I get to see in my house each week during the fall and winter! Only 6 more months until it starts all over again!

Acting Calm during the Halftime

The Cards coming close to making a great play!

The Cards Tackle Ben Roethlisberger

Cards TOUCHDOWN!!! GO FITZGERALD (Brent has just run down the stairs here!)

Brent talking to his friend Dave trying to explain to each other what needs to happen for the Cards to win

Accepting Defeat!

Wrigley was very into the game!

Sweet Boy

Brent and I had a Spears family day on Saturday. Since it was the first day of the month, we spent the day shopping, shopping and more shopping. Brent takes me to lunch and helps me do my big Costco run and Walmart shopping trip one Saturday each month! It's great. He brings in the food and I put it away. WIN - WIN!! We then ran over to Home Depot to make some exchanges and get the supplies to nail down, yet another project on our to do list!! YEAH US! We also ran over to see Carter. This was the first time Brent was able to see Carter's marker. We brought Wrigley with us and just enjoyed some special time as a family. The day wasn't sad. Our visit wasn't even sad. We are both still so grieved over Carter's death, but the placement of the marker was yet another reminder of God's great plan in our lives. We pray even through a simple marker, that God will our little sweet boy's life to minister to other families that visit their loved ones at the same cemetery Carter is buried. Brent and I spent a few minutes walking down to see the bench and grave site for a special friend of ours from the first church we attended when we first moved to GA. As we walked around, we were reminded of how many other people have buried their children, fathers, mothers, wives, husbands... in this same cemetery with no hope. I am always amazed at the little toys and special reminders that people leave on their loved ones earthly resting place that seemed important to them. Things like toy cars, pictures of accomplishments they completed while on earth, alcoholic drinks, packs of cigarettes. It blows me away and makes me so sad. It's that moment that makes me want to stop and bow before the Lord and just throw my hands up in praise. God thank you for hope. Thank you for the legacy of my baby that lived just an hour and 21 minutes, but yet changed my life in that time. He reminded me of your goodness, the importance of prayer, and makes me desire to be more like you each day. I look forward to the day I can be in glory and see my sweet boy again! I pray that even in the middle of a place of sadness like the cemetery, God will use us to share His love to others who need to hear hope!! Thank you Lord for yet another reason to Praise you in the Storms!

One Blue Flower for our Sweet Boy

Closure

I know this sounds strange, but I am so excited that we finally got our marker in and put into the ground. It has been so tough going to visit Carter only to see a patch of grass. I have already been by to see the marker and Brent and I plan to go tomorrow. I will take pictures post them. I feel like finally this nightmare is coming closer to an end. Although, we still have a TON of issues left with medical bills and hospital issues, it will be nice to feel like we have some peace and more to look forward too. We know that the Lord has big things in store for us again. I can finally say, that I do feel like "dancing again." Look the next couple of days for more pictures on Carter.

Post 101 - Bitterness Dancing

I can't believe I missed the fact that we have posted 100 posts! WOW! So here on post 101, I really don't have a ton to say right now. The last few weeks have been a little tough. Lot's going on. I have been taking this great bible study on Thursday's called "When Wallflower's Dance." It's great. It's all about learning how to "dance again". Learning how to be a women of confidence and all that God wants from me as a women. This week, my bible study has been talking about bitterness. I really didn't know how much bitterness I have held onto and deal with until I began to ask the Lord to reveal it to me. I had asked my girls ( through tears) to pray for my heart. I was getting so discouraged that I was letting jealousy fester in my heart each time I heard someone announce they were having a baby, or when friends would talk about what a great pregnancy they were having, or when sweet perfect babies were being born. Each time, I would desire to feel so good about it, but just wanted to scream and yell how unfair life was! After spending the last two nights really learning and studying about bitterness, I saw how I was killing my heart and dying inside over this. It became more clear to me why I was depressed, crying, sad and just not motivated to do all that I needed to do on a day to day basis. Isn't it so good when the Lord shows us what is eating our hearts. I know I mess up. I know that I don't always love the way I should. I want to grow and learn how to love the way Jesus loves. I tease Brent how he always finds the good in the worse of people. He will defend ANYONE no matter how hurt he feels by that person. He is always the one reminding me that when I feel someone is insensitive or being hurtful or selfish, to look from their point of view/shoes. Hurting-wounded people - hurt people, there is a reason to their behavior. I have to admit, that it has been freeing to be able to let go a lot of the bitterness I have stored up in my own heart. I was sure over the past few weeks that I would never be able to feel whole again. I was beginning to feel like I was back on the day Carter died. I was afraid I would forever have a hard time making rational choices. That was one of the hardest things for both of us after we lost Carter. There were days that we could not think rationally. We found ourselves repeating stories to people again and again. We found ourselves forgetting things that were normally second nature to us both. We soon learned, after attending a conference last fall, that we both were operating "In the Grip." It's that time in life when you are so stressed that you are not acting yourself. I feel like we both are getting back to being ourselves again. Finally, I am starting to DANCE!!!! I am ready to get my groove on. Come dance with me! God has good things in store for our lives.

Compliment (maybe)

Brent and I have been taking a deep water aerobic class at our local indoor pool. Don't be impressed, we just started last week and this is only our 4th class. In four classes we have had four instructors. Each lady teaches differently and you never do the same exercises twice it seems like. Tonight after class, the instructor asked Brent if he was taking the class because of any injury (what she was implying was that he must be a serious athlete and was taking this class since he was injured and can only do this!) I told him (being funny) she must have missed your little gut so she would have realized that you were doing this to get rid of that! I do have to admit that out of most the people in the class, especially of the men, Brent is one of the much smaller guys! I can see how he could be mistaken for a "serious athlete!" Right now, we both are praying that we just live to see tomorrow after these tough workouts!!!

Happy Happy Birthday!

Today was Brent's bday. It was a great day. Long day, but good. Both Brent and I have always had birthday traditions that we have created for ourselves on our special days. I always love to go out to eat and see a movie. Some times we don't actually get to have that happen on my actually day, but it is always close. This year Brent and I went to PF Changs for dinner and to a movie last week knowing we had church tonight and would not have the time to go out. So tonight, as traditional we do, I made Brent's favorite meal, Pepper Steak. Not just any pepper steak, his mom's pepper steak. This meal has taken me 7 years at least to work on. When we got married, I was pretty confident in my own cooking. I felt like I was pretty good. Brent felt that he was a pretty great cook too. Of course he was very proficient at making Hamburger Helper! YUCK. I was great at creating new fun meals, but being my northern self, I didn't have a clue about spices. Brent grew up with a mom and dad that were both fantastic cooks and understand the need to spice things up and how to add good flavor. So I had a ton to live up too! (I am still not sure that I even come close to them). When we were dating, I called Lynn, Brent's mom to ask for this pepper steak recipe. To be honest, I had never heard of pepper steak. We didn't have much chinese food growing up either. It is now his bday dinner of choice. I am sure I still have a long way to go on making this meal just like "mom." But, I am guessing, I will never get it as good as she does, and that is okay! There are some things that are just meant to be made perfect by a mom! Thanks Lynn for sharing this dish, and hopefully I did it some justice.

Happy 35th Birthday Brent! Glad it was a special day. I am looking forward to another wonderful year with you.

Inauguration 2009

I could not let this day go by without stopping and taking note of what occur ed today. Even though Brent and I did not vote for the current president, that does not mean that we will not support him for the role he has been appointed today as of today. Most of all, we will continue to lift him up in prayer. I pray that decisions will not be made for our country based on feelings, emotions, or political party choices, but instead on the moral convictions the Lord places in our lives and requires us to answer to one day when we face Him in eternity. I pray for the first family, those two special girls who will grow up in the spot light of America. I pray that the Lord will send to them special ladies who will take them under their wings and instill in those little girls the security and mentorship that they will need to grow up in the way the Lord has for their lives.

Today was for sure historic, as it is ever 4 years for sure. Now we begin to pray for yet another man who we pray will take on the such a big job with the integrity that is required! (more comments to come soon!)

The Most imporant Entry Ever

As a child, I loved playing piano. In fact, I was the kid that didn't have to be reminded to practice, I had to be asked to stop practicing. I loved it. Yesterday our pastor asked us to practice something more important than paino. He asked us to pratice our faith. The Lord immediatly brought to mind this blog. I know that many of you have read my blog faithfully and get the idea that Brent and I love the Lord with all of our hearts. Through the good days and bad days, I hope after each time you read the updates that we post, the message is always clear that our constant is our love for the Lord {more importantly really - His love for us and everyone}. The Bible tells us, that He is faithful, even when people are not. But, then I started to think, there maybe one person out there that reads this blog and has no idea what we are talking about or that they never have asked Jesus to be their Savior. So, before we go one more day, let me take a second of your time and ask you to keep reading the most important blog entry I have ever done and as I introduce to you our best friend and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Jesus isn't just a historical figure that came and changed history {though He did do that for sure}. He was fully a man/human being and fully God at the same time, that came to this earth in order for you and I to be able to have eternal life. You see, God is such a Holy and pure God that we as sinful {sinful: offending God, not living up to His perfect standards, turning our backs on His love and plan} humans are unable to come to Him because He is not able to be have anything unholy in his presence. We are all unholy. That causes us a problem. A really BIG - eternal problem when you stop and think about this.

Before Christ came and died, the Israelites would have to give (an animal) sacrifices and a variety of offerings to keep in right relationship with God and others. The sacrifices also preserved the the holiness of God's presence in their lives - a symbolic cleansing. There had to be shedding of blood {the lifeline for all living creatures ... including people} for sins to be covered. Can you imagine having to do that today? Each time we lie, or think a bad thought, are jealous, envious, yell at your kids or at your husband. We are so busy, I don't know when we would have time to sacrifice animals, too. The offerings/sacrifices of the Old Testament were not intended to remove or forgive sin, rather it was a preparation - pointing to the reality of the coming Messiah. The Old Testament and New Testament teach that animal sacrifices were not intended to save people from their sins or get them to heaven. Rather, salvation has always been a matter of faith ... faith in Jesus Christ - the Messiah, His sacrifice for all people. For God so loved the world, He sent His son Jesus as a baby. After 33 years, Christ died on a cross {though He was perfect in every way, never sinning} for your sins and mine. He came and lived a perfect life and died the death of a harden criminal for sins that he didn't commit. But that one act of sacrifice made it possible for us to live eternally in heaven with our God. That is really GOOD NEWS {that is what Gospel means} when you think about it, amist a lot of bad news we hear on the news day by day. The reality is, we live in that relationship today ... here on earth, not having to just wait for heaven.

So what do you need to do about this? The same thing Brent and I did years ago. We realized that we were sinners. We knew that we both were headed to hell because we were not perfect and fell short of God's glory. Only those who have no sin could enter heaven, unless you have asked Jesus to clean you of your sin. That was the best day in our both of our lives. Do we deserve this? No. In fact, it's funny when I hear people talk about life isn't fair. They are right, it isn't fair. It isn't fair that people spend eternity in hell. WRONG. The unfairness is that people spend life eternally in heaven. We all deserve hell because we are full of sin. The Bible {in Romans 3:23} says all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. The only way to resolve this sin problem is to ask Jesus to live in your heart. The Bible also shares that Jesus is the only way to God, the only one who can provide forgiveness, true peace, true purpose in life for here and now, the one who created us and loves us, and knows us the best. The one who wants to be in a personal - intitmate relationship with us all. You can begin this relationship right now by....

A - Admitting to God, you are a sinner and have sinned {it only takes 1 sin to be a sinner ... all of us have done this for sure} and need His forgiveness.

B - Believe God, that He sent His son, Jesus Christ to be the final sacrifice for all sins. That what Jesus did on that cross was for you personally. He died for your sins and God rose Him from the dead 3 days later. Ask Jesus to forgive you of your sins and ask Him to be your personal Lord and Savior.

C - Confess with your mouth, that Jesus is Lord and Savior what you believe in your heart and what He has done for you, personally. Tell somebody.

We love each of you and hope that you will take this step of faith today. If you have questions about this post, we would love to hear from you! Make 2009 the year that you secure your future in eternity!

Cute Toes

Do you ever feel like sometimes you just need a nice spa day in order to give yourself a little boost? Today is that day for me. Even if I am having to give the nice lady quarters to pay for a little spa action, I think that is one of the things that will give me that boost. I have tried not to get on here and be a downer, but to be honest, there are so many days that I feel down. Brent, being my voice of reason, tells me that it is natural for lots of people our age to start having babies and that I shouldn't be surprised with each announcement. He's right. (he did not say that to be insensitive, just wise!) It is less about being surprised, but more of a small sting to my heart when I hear that God has blessed someone else with a baby. Stupid I know. There are days that I can handle hearing the mundane tasks that my friends are doing with their own children, but there are still days that I want to scream and tell them to stop talking about their children and be more sensitive! I AM SO SO SO SELFISH. I know that. I know this sounds horrible too. Then I start to remember that it's not about me or how I feel, but more about what the Lord has planned in my life and in the lives of others. Isn't that what I tell people all of the time? When I tell others that same advice, I mean it!!!! In fact I shared this very week with a family that when we have these symptoms of depression and pain and we submit to that, we allow Satan to creep into our lives and we begin to doubt the Lord's plan for us. We begin to lose faith. I am not saying depression isn't real or that we should not be allowed to have depression. Depression is real (I am a therapist, I would go out of business if I didn't say that!) I know the right answers, but there are just days that I feel like a good quiet time sitting in a chair getting my toes done, begging the Lord to heal my heart and give me the strength to make it one more day would help a little bit! It may give me the strength to celebrate with others in the goodness of the blessings in their lives. Today, it seems like if someone was pampering me a little, maybe it would be a little easier! Ever feel that way? (If I hadn't worked out so hard all week long, I would add a little bite of chocolate with that too. But, I am NOT going to give into something that I will regret tomorrow!) We are celebrating Brent's bday tonight at his favorite resturant and watching a movie as well. His bday isn't until next week, so I am sure we will get to celebrate again, but I think I may need to do a little extra today to get into that celebration mood! I hate being so selfish! Lord create in me a clean heart!

NO ITCHING HERE

I can't believe it has been 7 years since Brent and I said "I do." I have considered us newly married for so long and now finally realize that we are not the newly married couple any more. They said that 7 years means the 7 year itch! I see no itching here for sure. I think if we can make it through all that we have been through in the 7 years and still love each other more than we did on our wedding day, we will stay scratch free! For the fun of it, I thought I would attach a copy of our story that Brent wrote in our program. I can say this for sure, if I had to marry you all over again baby, I would do it again and again and again! So glad I have you to "Do life with!"

Today is also my sister's birthday and our puppy Wrigley's 4th bday! Lot's to celebrate for sure.

Happy Anniversary Baby! I love you!

Our Story

Hollywood often depicts love stories as an easy formula in which people operate in unrealistic “love at first sight” problem free worlds. We know reality is different. Every real life love story is unique and special while being made up of several key components. The most important key in our relationship has been the love of God found only in Jesus Christ. This is our story………….

While stepping out in faith and attempting to follow the Lord’s leading in their lives, two people left almost opposite ends of the country to arrive in New Orleans. The young man came from west Texas while the lovely young lady traveled down from Maryland. The two bright-eyed, optimistic, eager students entered orientation at New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary full of questions and hope. Each were consumed in individual thoughts and concerns, wondering what this new chapter life would entail. While sitting in an orientation session, the two met. Appearing to be an ordinary introduction – all of Heaven applauded. You see God has a plan for their lives and knew exactly when the two would meet.

Shortly after the orientation, the new school semester began. The two found themselves in all of the same classes together. Through mutual friends and ordained circumstances, the two began interacting outside of the classroom as well. Instantly, the two hit it off and the connection was made! Well, not exactly. However, after a misunderstanding that led to a deep all night conversation – the relationship took on a new level of respect.

After weeks and months of spending time together in and out of class, the friendship grew stronger in mutual love and respect. Through a variety of trials and tribulations as well as joys and triumphs, they found their friendship to truly be a gift from God. In the early spring of the next semester, each began to analyze their friendship at a close look. Both agreed to remain friends only in order to preserve the uniqueness of the relationship. However, as the summer rolled in things began to change.

While in Brazil, she began to realize her love for and desire to commit to him. She also began to pray and ask God to give her confirmation and peace in this direction. He remained in New Orleans eagerly awaiting her arrival back to the States. Upon her arrival, he began to realize how much he missed her and wanted to be with her all of the time.

In the beginning of the fall semester, they could no longer deny their desire to pursue their relationship on a deeper level. As he began to tell her how he felt, he decided to wait. He feared the exploration might jeopardize the friendship. So they waited, sometimes patiently, sometimes not so patiently. Finally, as the semester drew to an end, after prayers and much confirmation, he initiated the conversation. The couple shared their love for one another.

The relationship continued to blossom over the next year and on a horse drawn carriage, the couple got engaged. Now we have arrived at this moment. This is the day where we make our love and commitment to each other public and permanent. We thank God for how He has loved us and allowed us to meet, become best friends, and marry as life partners. Our prayer for you, our treasured friends and family, is that you would personally and truly know how wide and deep and high is the love of Christ Jesus for you. That you would follow in the footsteps of the One who loved you enough to die for you.

And so, today, with thankfulness too great for words, we stand before Him and promise ourselves to Him and to each other… for life. We praise Him for the simple joys of life and complex sufferings as well that draws us to Himself and a future spent together.


Brent and Jenna

Welcome 2009

Wow, I can't believe it is already 2009. What a year it has been. Looking back at all 2008 held for us is sort of overwhelming. One year ago, Brent and I were up to our elbows painting our little house (that is an understatement) and coaching basketball. This year New Years was a little more low key than that. Today we spent the day resting and relaxing instead of working on house projects. It's nice sometimes to just stop and be. Of course there are the obvious reasons that we are glad to be saying goodbye to 2008. But at the same time so much happened in 2008 that has changed our lives forever. I had big hopes that our grave marker would have already arrived and been placed in Carter's grave so that we could start 2009 as a fresh new start. But again, that was a Jenna plan. I could begin to list tons of goals that I have for myself and our family for this year and hope that many of those appropriate goals will come true. But, once again those goals belong to us. If I have learned anything in 2008, it is that my trust belongs in the Lord alone. I have no control over life or the events that occur in this world. Each day brings new choices, challenges, sorrows, joys and tests. Instead of focusing on what it is that I desire, I hope to make 2009 a year of counting the blessings we have and with each new day seeking the Lord's best for us in all that we say and do. It's one thing to say that we truly trust the Lord at all times. It is another challenge to live it. We choose to make 2009 the year that focus on living out our faith and seeking God's best. We will fail some days, and we will be a success some days. I pray that all that we do in 2009 will bring the Lord glory. WELCOME 2009!! We can't wait to see what it brings!

He did it again

The memorial Christmas tree. Each person who died this year had an ornament on the tree


The sweet lady that was the speaker.

The end of a good week, that without the the saving power of Jesus Christ, would have been terrible. But several times this week, the Lord showed up, went before us and laid out the red carpet for us to walk on. We of course had our service on Tuesday at the funeral home, and ran into some friends from church who were there celebrating the life of their mom. Then of course Wednesday was such a great day for both Brent and I. I was able to eat lunch with very special friends and then I went shopping for the rest of the afternoon! I had a blast. While I was finishing my relaxing evening by taking a bath... (doesn't that just sound relaxing) Brent went to church in order to practice being a shepherd for the Cantata on Sunday. He is going to be the Shepherd that takes baby Jesus (played by our pastors granddaughter) out of the manager and off the stage. He was so overjoyed that he was able to hug and love all over that sweet 8 month old baby! (a little history with Brent and small children. He loves kids as long as they talk and are able to potty on their own!) This was such a blessing. Then he and I went on a Krispy Kreme run like we were back in college. It was such a blast.

To wrap up the week, we went to TWO Christmas parties on Friday (one for lunch and one for dinner). Both were special times with special friends and just a neat way to celebrate this season. Saturday night ended out week of remembrance. We had a candlelight service at the cemetery. Again, both of us were a little nervous about the night. WHY? I don't know, because the Lord provided again. A sweet family who were loved at our last church, lost their dad and husband this summer. As we were standing out in large crowd of people in the cold, I saw a lady out of the corner of my eye and realized it was my friend Ms. Peggy and her family. We didn't even know her husband was in the same cemetery. The place was so pretty with the full moon and all of the luminaries that surrounded the entire place. It really was beautiful. Brent and I both agreed unlike some cemeteries, this one is not spooky in any way. It is just peaceful! Each time we go, there is such a feeling of peace that overcomes you. There's the red carpet coming out again! Thank you Jesus for coming and taking care of every detail in our lives.

This is the entrance of the cemetery

Carter is buried in the section of the cemetery called "Devotion". This is the statue that is in the middle of that garden. (Each garden has a different monument.) This happens to be a bible with opened to the Lord's prayer

Carter's marker is still not in yet, but we still placed the candle on his grave.

All in one week

The anticipation of this week has been much worse than the actually week itself. Of course we still have two more days before the week is officially over, but so far, so good. The week began with a special service we were invited to attend on Tuesday evening at the funeral home we used for Carter. It is a special Christmas service designed for anyone who has lost a loved on during the past year. We were so blessed how the Lord took care of so many intimate details down to the Christian run funeral home we used. During the service there was a wonderful women who shared about her journey since loosing her husband 6 years ago. She still got chocked up talking about her loss. She had been married for 51 years when her husband died. They also had a tree decorated with red ball ornaments that had the name of each person that died this year who the funeral home helped. It was precious. It wasn't so much sad for us, as it was just a sweet time of reflection.

Wednesday was the official date we were given that Carter was due. As my friend and I had talked about, it wasn't so much a day to remember or make a big deal out of, because the chances that Carter would had been born on that day, was slim. Although, now it is nice that my mind doesn't think I should be 7 months, 8 months of 9 months pregnant, but instead now I can personalize the fact that my little boy would had been 4 months old right now. At the same time, so far this week has helped me to focus on the moving forward process. We still have one more service to attend this week (I can't believe it was all in one week) at the cemetery. There is another candle light service at the cemetery this weekend. I do feel like Brent and I both in a much better place emotionally and looking forward to seeing what 2009 brings for us. We of course still have Christmas day, but I believe even that day will be okay. (I may be wrong). The hard thing is that I don't want others to forget, because we will never forget, but at the same time I like going at our pace.
I can not deny that Lord continues to show us His faithfulness in all areas of our life. For me, I feel such a freedom to do what is needed for me according to what I feel the Lord has for me right now. No regrets and no guilt involved. We have had so many things change in our lives this year. So many things that I look back and think why Lord did you do it that way. Then I look in the now and even look forward and see... that's why. There are still the days of jealousy, depression, hurt, pain, and even days when I feel forgotten. But.. those days getting less and less and I am seeing the Lords face more and more. The journey continues, just as He planned!!

Special Gift

I wanted to include this in my last blog, but decided that it deserved a blog of it's own. My friend Jen had told me she was making me something special for my birthday. And she did as you can see from the picture. In her card she sent, she reminded us of the gift the Lord gave Brent and I the day we took it each other as man and wife. Although we no longer have our son Carter here on earth with us, what a gift it is to remember that we are a family, The Spears!! I pray daily the Lord will bless us again with more children. ( The funny thing about this gift is that Jen and I both have the same exact dishes, which are blue and I have a blue and white kitchen. So this gift was made especially for my kitchen.) Thanks Jen! I love you friend.

By the way... make sure to scroll down and check out my older post. I FINALLY posted pictures!!

Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving, a day when we should feel overwhelmed with a thankful heart, seemed somewhat harder this year. This Thanksgiving was so much fun and such a special day regardless of what life we have lived the last three months. Brent and I spent the day at our friends grandmothers house with all of their family. There are some families that you spend time with at holidays and you feel like a stranger. But that is not how we feel about this family. They made us feel like we were supposed to be there. Brent and I both walked away saying how we felt so welcomed, warm and loved! Thanks Bullard/Ford/Cook clan. We love you guys. But like I started, it took a little more for me to be thankful this year. It is so easy to be thankful when times are going well and life is easy. I realized how tough it was this year to be truly thankful when I feel so hurt, sad and angry still. I know how much I have to be thankful for and how God is daily working on my heart to conform me to be more like him. Brent and I talked about how many changes we feel like we have been making in the last few weeks. I got a new haircut (just a little shorter and darker color), we have spent every weekend trying to clean out a new room in our house and get rid of whatever things we have not used lately. Brent and I both have been trying to work out several times a week in order to feel healthier. We are doing whatever we can to prepare ourselves and our lives for another gift the Lord would allow to have in the future. No matter what the rest of this year brings, we are thankful for the fact that the Lord is not done with us yet!

Ask me, don't ask me...

This is my struggle. I can't tell you how many times in a single week the question, "Do you have any children?" comes up. I was reading another friends blog who lost her son as well, and the struggle she has with this same question. This past Thursday was a pretty tough day for me, and being asked this question hurts sometimes. Before we had Carter, this question was easy for us. No we don't have children, or while we were pregnant, I would just proudly say that we were expecting our first in December. Now... this question is so bittersweet. I love it when people ask me because I am able to talk about my Carter and share his and our testimony of what the Lord is doing in our life. At the same time, answering this questions makes people give me the look of pity or they get very uncomfortable and stop talking with me. I just hate that all of this is so awkward and hard to talk about. I did have one lady who confused me with another friend of mine and thought that I was pregnant again. It killed me to tell her that it wasn't me it was someone else. Of course people are just trying to be helpful, but several ladies will tell me that I need to just keep waiting and not get pregnant too soon. "Give your body time to heal." My body is healed and I can have another baby in Feb, unless the Lord allows us to get pregnant before then. But, I just don't need to be reminded of the fact that I am not pregnant today. Bittersweet.

So don't be afraid to ask me about my son, and don't be afraid if I cry. I will cry some days, but don't be afraid of my tears. Let me cry. This is how God is healing my heart! Thanks to all of you who go out of your way to love on me and to help me through this time. SO... ASK ME!!

Cardboard Testimony

Front Side of Cardboard

Backside of my cardboard

Thursday was our last Ladies Bible Study at our church, for this year. To celebrate our time together we had a brunch (we had great food), a speaker who shared her testimony of how the Lord loved her through a very difficult time in her life, and Cardboard Testimonies. I was asked to take part in this testimony time. I was doing great with it. I even was able to read what was on my card without any tears. Well, until I had to get in line and walk on the stage. Here I was again, some place I didn't want to be, sharing a story I didn't want to have as part of my testimony. Bittersweet.

For those of you who do not know what Cardboard Testimonies are, let me explain. (You can also find some examples on http://www.godtube.com/) Several people write on one side of a piece of cardboard an aspect of your testimony (ususally is some bad or a tough situation that the Lord brought you through). Then on the other side of the card, you write what the Lord has done in redeeming that situation. ) For example, one of my friends wrote that "She was a teen mom faced with a choice." She brought her daughter with her who held up the other side of the cardboard that read, "glad for the choice my mother made." Another friend wrote "Mischarriage July 2008", on the back it said something like "waited on the Lords timing and pregnant due April 2009". I took a picture of mine and posted it below. When I got on the stage, I wasn't able to look at a single lady because they were all crying by then. It was really a sweet time of sharing. Back on August 10th, the day after we lost Carter, Brent was supposed to share his cardboard testimony in Sunday School. Never did we imagine that we would get another chance to share and that this would be our story. But... we are on a journey and the Lord does have a plan and it is good.

Vera Bradley

November 6th I turned 35. I knew it would be tough to be 35 but without Carter, it was terrible. I cried most of the day. I was depressed and frustrated and it didn't seem like my birthday. I was so looking forward to my bday this year knowing I was going to be pregnant and would be getting ready for his/her arrival at any time! I wanted to have children before I was 35, but I had at least had the plan that I would be 35 and having my first baby. Anything less than that, just wasn't make me feel fulfilled.

I am a gifts person. When I take Dr. Chapman's love language test, I test high on getting gifts as my love language. After the day I had, it was such a treat to receive the special gift I had specifically asked my husband for, for my bday! (I emailed him a picture of this purse and talked about it all of the time so he wouldn't forget!!) Brent not only gave me the purse, he even bought me a bday cake and wrapped it up. It was pretty funny. He took me to dinner the next night to a restaurant called California Dreaming. We had a special time. The big thing was that he tried so hard to give me such a special weekend regardless of how sad we both felt. It was so sweet. I love you honey.

On that Friday several of my special girlfriends from church took me and my friend Lisa to breakfast at our favorite breakfast place, Mimi's. (Lisa's bday is the day before mine. She is just a little bit older than I am, but to keep our friendship, I will not share her age!! She is a youngster though!! Love ya Lisa) One of my favorite gifts I got that day was from another friend Lisa. Lisa had helped me dry the flowers from Carter's funeral and has been helping me turn them into a wreath. We had so many flowers left over, Lisa took the roses and babies breathe and put them on a small wreath with a little mirror underneath the wreath and a candle resting on top of the mirror. (check out the photo below) On the candle, she engraved Carter's name and birthday. It was so thoughtful and special to me. So although that was not the bday I had wanted, I walked away feeling the Lord's love through my friends and family. I also felt that I will one day celebrate a birthday again with the joy and excitement I have felt so many other times.

Sonscape

Up close deer (we saw 100's of them)
Our group

This is where we ate our meals and fellowshipped

Brent feeding the ducks

Wow, I can't believe it has been so long since I have blogged. There has been so many times that I have thought that I needed to blog something we had been doing, and just didn't have it in me to actually write. Many of you read about our little vacation that Brent and I took for Labor Day weekend. It was such a treat to be offered the opportunity to go out of town, but the vacation itself was not what we needed. A few days after my last blog (middle of October) we received a phone call from some very very precious friends of ours who live in Texas. This couple will never know how much they minister to us in so many little ways even though we don't get to see them very often at all. (We love you guys!) Anyway, they called and told us about a special ministry to ministers that allow you to go and be loved on for a week in the mountains of GA or the mountains of Colorado. We quickly prayed about this opportunity and then began working out the details. The retreat is called Sonscape and is located on the campus of Berry College in Rome GA. They only have this retreat a few times a year in GA. The retreat is designed to give couples a week or lots of free time in order to reconnect with the Lord. There is a couple who works for Sonscape that leads the actually retreat and does 4 days of teaching and then about 6 hours of counseling with each couple. The retreat begins on a Friday and last until the following Friday. They didn't even have church for us to go to. (We both love church, but the time to just spend with the Lord and not be obligated to a church service was so sweet!) The couple that lead our retreat just so happened to be (stay with me here) my best friend Jen Jordans neighbor when she lived in Indiana. This just added to our excitement. We left our sweet Wrigley with a friend and off to Rome we went. Jeannie and Bob. Additionally their is a host family that cooks all of our meals and takes care of any other needs we may have had. Joe and Mickie were our sweet host! We will never forget them for sure.

I really thought that I had been doing so well since Carter's death. I was back at work, I was able to tell his story many times without crying and was actually beginning to smile again. It was like the minute we stepped foot on the campus, the flood gates were open for me and I didn't stop crying the entire week. I had stuffed the pain and anger I was feeling away so that I was able to go on with life. Being out in the woods where you are alone with your thoughts and surrounded by the Lord's creation, true feelings begin to come out. My just kept coming and coming. I felt bad for the other couples who were with us. I am sure they think I never stop crying. I needed that though. I realized that I am so MAD and so ANGRY that I lost my little boy. I am still not at my due date yet, that makes me mad. I still have friends who are fearful of talking to me, that makes me mad. I have lots of people I know that are pregnant and have recently gotten pregnant and that makes me hurt. I am not mad or angry with the Lord just at how much this hurts. I hate feeling angry too. I had hoped to skip that emotion. I know I had fooled several friends who felt like I was doing well (because I told them that). But I wasn't and there are still a lot of days that I am not. I wish some days I could just stay in bed. I wish come days I didn't have to walk past an empty crib. I love holding friends babies, but hate that it isn't my baby. I hate the looks that I get from people afraid of what I may say or do, but hate that people don't ask me how I am. I am so glad we had the chance to go to this retreat so that I can begin to stop and figure out how to move forward.

I have so many other things to blog on, but to keep attention... I will break the blogs up into pieces. I will post pictures of SonScape later.

Light a Candle for Carter and others

Today is October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. At 7:00 pm everyone is asked to light a candle for all of the families that have lost a baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death. I know that there are an insane amount of families who have lost children this way. We will light a candle in their honor and as a way of remembering our son Carter.

Carter - your family misses you and does feel comfort that you are playing in heaven and being loved on by Jesus today. It's been a little over two months since you have been gone and it still feels like yesterday. Lord I want to thank you for each day we had Carter in our lives here on earth. Thank you for the joy I had as a mother to get to know him in such a special way. Lord you are good!! Thank you for the blessings you have given us so far. We are so thankful for all of our friends and family that continue to donate to Carter's memorial fund at North Metro FBC child development center. Carter will always be our "little missionary."

Moving Forward - October 15th, 2008

I had seen several people's websites talking about October 15th being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I have tried to ignore the idea of it because it sounds so terrible to me. Next week is my best friend Jen's birthday and her son's birthday. I really wanted to try and just focus on those joyous occasions, but it seems I can't get away from the reality of the events that have occurred in my life. I get so frustrated when I get taken over by these feelings of anger and hurt. I feel as if I will move several steps forward and then all of a sudden, something will hit me like a hammer and there I am back where I started, living the events of August 9th all over again. It is getting easier to talk about. In fact I can talk about Carter and like to talk about him. But on my terms! Isn't that sound so selfish. It is selfish, but I feel like I have earned that right to be a little selfish for a little time. I still have several friends who are going to be delivery within the next month. I even have a friend who will be having her daughter tomorrow. How bittersweet. I so badly wanted to tell friends how excited I am, but it's hard some days to go up to my pregnant friends knowing that should still be me. Each night when I go to bed, I think maybe tonight will be the night that I won't have a dream or nightmare about Carter. Maybe tonight will be the night that I will go to sleep and wake up and still be pregnant not knowing the sex of the baby that I am carrying. Then I wake, only to realize, the dream is really a reality.

I have laughed again. I have dreamed again. I am looking forward to the day that I can tell my husband we are having another baby. I feel ready to be pregnant again. Not to replace Carter, but to move forward. The Lord continues to fill my life with some many lessons of His goodness and His grace. I am trying to each day remember to trust Him. Each day I am trying to seek to grow closer to His heart and seek out His voice to hear what He desires for me.

Recently Brent and I started to attend a new Sunday School class at church. This was a tough decision, as we had been in our other class for the past year or so. The class had grown so much that they had "birthed" a new class and the time felt right for us to move "up." We are now trying out a class with couples closer to our age. The one thing that God has blown me away with is how in our last class, there were so many girls having their first babies, just like we were. It was perfect timing to be able to compare and talk to the girls about our experiences. After losing Carter, I struggled going back to the class because I did not want to have to face the reality of the fact that life changed so much for us. So after the second Sunday in our new class, we have already meet two families who also lost children in a similar way that we lost Carter! Isn't it just like the Lord to bring you the people you need when you need them!!! Others who have walked in our shoes. I found this poem on the website that tells more information about October 15th, 2008. This speaks to what I feel on so many days! Karen and Jen, maybe instead of lemons I need to go out and buy myself a really UGLY pair of shoes!!!

"An Ugly Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable Shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the other one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in the world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have work the shoes so long that days will go bybefore they think of how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

My Famous Family

Okay so not quite famous! But, several months back my family (meaning my Mom, Dad and sister,had the chance to go to Poolesville MD to be a part of the TV show Extreme Home Makeover. My family lives just outside of Poolesville in Maryland. I wish I would have had an opportunity to post or send out an email to watch the show tonight, but my mom had just mentioned the show would be on to me last night, and to be honest, I had so much to do last night and today that I forgot until we were leaving church this evening that the show was even on. We came home from church in time to see the second half of the show. Brent and I don't have any of the high tech TIVO stuff, so we didn't get to tape the show. We did make it in time to see Kara on the show twice. She also shared with us tonight that she is on the website of the home builder. The website is http://www.classicextreme.net/photos_day6.htm Kara is in image 6 of 41 on day 6. For those of you who do not know her, in the photo you are getting a side view of Kara. She is on the far right side, right in front of the tall gentleman that has reddish hair. You really are seeing Kara's left ear and the fact that she is smiling. What neat once in a lifetime experience they got to have.

Mr Brent and Cody ... hit the circus tour

Well, not really - just went to the circus ... and HAD A BLAST, come on! I like that, "Mr. Brent" ... sounds like a Monk episode. My original intent was to share about the circus experience a lot earlier in the week, especailly after my lovely wife put the pressure on. However, I have been inspired by great bloggers such as Jen and Karen - legends in the blog world in their own right ... by their "Wordless Wednesday" entries with pictures. So, I thought I would try a "Wordless Week" entry with photos.

Ya, my wife is not buying it either. Truth is: it has just been a busy week.

The pictures are from the circus, Cody and I had the privelege to attend earlier this month. Wow, if Barnum and Bailey Circus comes to your town, GO. Jenna secured us tickets several months back and I have to tell you, the circus has come a long way - I am serious they do it right, it flowed. From the traveling Frenchman - who was hilarious, who not only emceed the event but could ride a bike about the size of my tennis shoe in circles and through a circle of fire to the dancing Dachshunds moving in sync {Wrigley - not so much cut out for the circus I'm afraid ... just not her lot} to the acrobatic stunts to the angled Archer who could not miss - are you kidding me - how did he do that ... to the elegant elephants {sitting on each other, mind you - ohhh looked painful - really did} to the makeupless clown performing a Matrix like stunt with a pole coming toward him. Yes, that is what I said too, "makeupless" clown. I know - the perfect circus, right?
It was sort of redemption for me. The first and only other time I have been to a circus, was when I was a child ... and the clowns came around before the show to gather any willing and excited children to go down on the floor and meet the crew/animals. Well, I was neither - willing or excited. In fact, I freaked out and stayed close to Mom. Over the years, I have regreted that decision and wondered what would have happened, what would have been, how would my life be different today. I mean, would I have taken more risks, ventured out more limbs - would I ever by able to trust people, people with makeup/wigs and large red noses? Questions never answered, but I really did regret - so, it was pretty cool to get to go onto the floor with Cody and see some of the crew before the show ... makeupless clowns, I love it!

Cody is probably one of the coolest kids, I have ever known, I mean he is really a 22 yr old trapped in a 6 yr old little body, he is funny - I tell you. Throughout the night, I was reminded that he was only 6, though. I guess it was when he saw the vendors walking madly around with several ... several ... several mulit-colored bright glow sticks and the children all wanting one {good ole' supply and demand at its best - tugging at the heart strings of every child in the stadium ... is there a law on this type of price gouging with these type of products ... I mean I can understand the gas price crisis we are facing here in Atlanta, may not like it - but at least understand the basics of it ... but swirling light toys {that they tell you will look so wonderful in the dark when the show is going on} that will in reality only be tossed in the air for a few hours in a dark stadium for a circus event ... only to be tossed into a closet among other well thought out marketing exploits to sit for years...unless of course, you do E-bay like my wife and so many others, than there is at least a positive return on investment}. Ok, ok - enough about economics - what do I know - it took me 3 times to pass Finance in college, I am serious. But, I did graduate with a Marketing degree - so it drives me crazy when I see these gimmicks, ok - enough. But Cody really wanted one - but once the traveling Frenchman came onto the stage he had moved on and was having more fun helping me take pictures with my cell phone so we could send over to Mrs. Jenna
... or when we went to get our snack during intermission, the Lion shaped - snow cone cup for $12 bucks - what! His little 6 yr old mind had to have it ... but, we agreed to share a pretzel and coke {had some great popcorn when we got home, too}.

My sweet - creative wife ... put a booklet together for Cody to gather autographs from the crew and for pictures of the evening to go into. Cody loved it. All in all - great night. Whew, no wonder I never blog, this is timely - but fun.

Best time

I have asked my husband to give a recap of his Friday night special date. He has said he would. Until he does (this is his incentive) I will post a little teaser!! Wish I was there.

Showing off their tickets

Fist Pumping
The BIG TOP!!

Waiting for their ride home

Change

I hate change! So everything that has happened in the past month, has been that much tougher for me. I was just getting used to the changes in my body, our lives, the fact that I was pregnant, the idea of being a mom, taking on the roll of mom and wife, and the idea of all of the additional upcoming changes that would occur. I hate change so much some times, that even when our pastor at church has to go out of town and doesn't preach on Sunday, I do not like that change and look forward to having him back preaching again. I hate when Brent has to go out of town, or when my favorite TV show is supposed to be on and it isn't because of a "presidential debate..." you get the point. Typically the change ends up that it is a good thing or at least at some point something I am able to deal with and can learn from. But... I still just do not like it at all.


Then there are days that I welcome change. I changed the look of my blog today (and spent more time than necessary on doing the change and I took Jen down with me! Sorry Jen I was responsible for "wasting your afternoon, although I had a blast doing it.) I like to get up and just go and do something that is different from what we had planned for the day. I like to change my hair (color and cut some times). Some days I welcome change.


This week has been that for me. On Friday I had my hair cut and colored by my sweet friend from church Tina. I got so tired of the grey hair poking through and the frizz mess that kept happening. My friend Tina was so sweet to do me a favor and do my hair at the last second. On Saturday, which is usually the hardest day of the week for me, because that is the day Carter was born, we had planned on staying home all day long just doing nothing. We woke up to discover Wrigley's allergies were out of control and that we needed to make an emergency visit to the vet. She was fine, and needed some cortisone to get her over the hump of allergy season. Funny story: while we were in the vet's office, I had a crying breakdown. They had taken Wrigley back to be weighed and Brent and I started to just talk. I totally broke down crying. About the same time, one the vet techs, walks into the room and tells us Wrigley will be right back. It was funny because I had to try to convince her that I was not crying because of Wrigley. I didn't want to share with her what was wrong and how I was just sad. The sweet lady gave me a box of Kleenex and asked one more time if there was something she could do. I thanked her and said that it had been a tough time for us right now, and that I would be okay. There you have it, my first official, embarrassing public breakdown. There will be more of those I am sure! And that is okay. We are so afraid of people crying and often don't know what to do when they do cry. I have learned that it is okay for others to cry and that we don't have to feel uncomfortable when others cry. Just let them cry!


After coming home, and lots of crying and emotions running very high for me, we decided that we would head to the Gwinnett County Fair. Our plan was to go and get a funnel cake and just see all that they had. The fair is okay, nothing special, but was the distraction that we needed that day. Brent and I both struggle doing "fun things" that cost money because of how much it has cost us to have Carter and all of the other things that have come with that. At the same time, we have found that we have to get out of the house and do fun stuff or we will both be depressed. After the fair, we had dinner and walked around the mall to work off the funnel cake!!


As another week begins for me, as I take on a few more clients this week, I am trying to focus on myself and what it is that I need! I have been talking to a special friend of mine who is also in counseling for some additional advice on how to continue to seek the Lord in all things! What an encouraging word she gave me was to try and spend time doing for me and relaxing. Brent and I both are seeking that time for ourselves alone and with each other. Brent has a special date planned for Friday night with a special friend of his. His little friend Cody (who is 5) and Brent will be at the Circus on Friday. It's hard to imagine him doing that with another little boy and not with Carter, but it is a joy to see him be able to spend that time with Cody who he loves so much. (Cody is a big fan of Brent's as well. Cody lost his daddy in 2005. Since this past spring he and Brent have formed a special bond and love doing things together! I can't wait to hear all about their time at the circus! Sure wish I got an invitation to go, but it's a boy's night out! Maybe next time.

My heart

I have shared on this blog a few times already about a new friend I have made since we lost Carter. My new friend Casey Chappell, (I went to college with her husband), they lost their son Asher on August 9th as well at 9:08 pm. (I'd like to think Carter and Asher are friends in heaven. I love how they both have such cool names!!!) Casey and Dan also have a blog that they have been sharing what the Lord is doing in their lives right now. Casey has this poem on her site that describes in words, what is in my heart. I couldn't help but copy it and paste this poem here. Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since I last held my little boy (many don't know that Brent and I had the chance to go to the funeral home before Carter's funeral and see him in his little outfit given to us by the hospital as well as take pictures and hold him one more time. That was such a sweet sweet time for both Brent and I. It was hard to leave knowing that I would never see him on earth again, but such a blessing to see him dressed in a little outfit and to be able to talk to him by myself outside of the hospital). I miss him so much. Each day I look more forward to heaven. I have been taking a class on Thursday mornings at our Ladies Bible Study at church called Heaven. I learn more about Carter's new home each week. Each week I walk away and desire heaven more and more. Not only to see Carter, but to just live in a place where there is perfect peace and to have the chance to do nothing but worship. What a day that will be.

Here is the cry of my heart right now. Thanks for continued prayer and for continuing to read my ramblings.

Missing you....

Dear Lord, one precious baby there with You belongs to me- A perfect, tiny wonder whom I long so much to see. So recently within my life my baby took a part; And yet, my baby holds so large a place within my heart. Today that place is empty- just a memory there Of sweet anticipation of a life I'd hoped to share. 'Twas You Who took my baby home to be with You above; Please may my empty, broken heart find comfort in Your love. Remind me, in my loss, the child I love feels only gain- For You saw fit to spare my child from sorrow, fear, and pain. No tragedy will ever fall upon this little life, No lonely moments, no distress from unkind words or strife. Nor shall my baby ever feel the struggle from within, For in my baby's heart today there's not a trace of sin. Oh, loving Lord, Who chose to spare my child from all of this, When heavy is my heart, just let me glimpse my baby's bliss. And may I joy in knowing that my baby is with You-- For living in your presence is what I, too, long to do! So from this day, may this my new anticipation be: One day I'll see my baby who went home ahead of me! -author unknown

Your mommy misses you Christopher Carter Spears and I look forward to a day when I will be able to be in the same place as you again. I hope to hold you again one day (if the Lord allows) but am comforted to know, if I can't have you in my arms, your safe in stronger, safer arms than mine! Thank you Jesus for holding my baby boy.

Time flying by

It was four weeks on Saturday since we lost Carter. Tomorrow is actually September 9th, one official month already. Time is flying by. That first week it felt like time was standing still. I keep wondering in my mind how will I feel a month from now? Would I make it to a month? Would this pain in my heart force me to stop breathing? I feel like for that to have happened, I would have given Satan glory. I refuse to allow Satan anything!! I want the Lord to be given all of the glory for anything that we feel and any special day we make it through. This weekend, our good friends the Bullards, had us over for pizza and a little "Wii" action on Saturday night. I am so glad that we got to do that, so I didn't focus on the day. Although, the funny thing is that, Lisa, Steve, Brent and I were all together four weeks earlier in the hospital together. I yelled for Lisa to and asked (well maybe screamed) for her to come hold my hand while I was in labor. Some how it brought comfort to be with the same family, in a different setting, a few weeks later.

I am excited that tomorrow I will be going to north GA to be with some other ministers and their wives for a "wellness retreat." Again, it will be good to have the focus on other people besides myself. I have found that some days giving to others or just being around other people is helpful. Of course, I still have several days that I just want to be alone at home. That is okay too.

I shared with Brent how much I enjoy going to church each Sunday and look forward to it and even find corporate worship very comforting. At the same time, it is privately so hard to be there. Carter used to kick me like crazy all during the worship service. Not just during the music, but during Dr. Cox's sermons too. Sitting in the service, just being still, is hard for me. This again is another way that Brent and I experience things differently. I would mention to him that I was being kicked, but he never felt it or experienced that feeling like I did. As time passes, I feel like I am going to forget what it feels like to carry Carter inside of me. Right now, it is still fresh in my mind. I still find myself touching my empty stomach, wishing I could feel one more kick. I am so thankful to the Lord that I was able to carry Carter for as long as I did, and was able to experience that feeling of him moving, turning and dancing inside of me. What a joy I will be able to cherish for a lifetime!

I went back to work today for the first time. The Lord has brought me several new clients that are experiencing situations of grief as well. It's neat to be able to really know what they are going through. Of course at the same time, I would give anything to remain ignorant on the "true feeling" of the subject. I continue to pray that the Lord uses me in whatever way He desires, so that I may see a glimpse of His plan. "Lord continue to draw me to yourself and show me more and more of your plan. Help us to be a light in this dark world. Help us to take every opportunity to share you to this lost world."

We had two incredible messages on salvation in church yesterday. It's so important in this time of "hardship" in the world today that we share a message of hope... the message of Christ. This is my prayer. I pray that the Lord will use Carter's life, and our lives, to minister to others and to take ALL opportunities to share HIS name.

How Did I miss that?

I had the best day yesterday with friends at the Yellow Daisy Festival. It's the gigantic arts and craft show (this women's dream!) at Stone Mountain park. My friends Lisa, Lisa, Cheryl, Cindy and Karen all went and spent 6 hours walking up and down the booths looking, buying, and laughing. I had no idea why I had not gone before now. It was so good to get out of the house and have some fun. I do have to admit, that I saw some incredible cute baby items that I was so tempted to buy because I kept forgetting that I was not pregnant and would not be needing some of those items. BUT, I do believe that God will give Brent and I another baby and sooner than we think. We are praying believing that God will continue to work another miracle in our life.