Southern Charm - Northern Style and GA Peaches

Avery 3 months old

2011-10-29T09:39:00.000-04:00

Avery has been doing so great. She is almost sleeping through the night all of the time (we are thankful for sure!) We have been seeing a lot of doctors lately trying to figure out how to get rid of the swelling in her feet. We meet with a physical therapy team this week. Last week we saw her cardiologist (which she got a 100%.) In December we will meet with a genetic doctor to see if there is anything that we have missed. Our doctor wants to be sure that nothing is wrong! I love her for that. I especially love that she continues to tell me that science and medicine has no answers for what happened to Avery. Although I am not sure if she is a believer, she continues to assure me that Avery's life is simply just a miracle that we will never be able to explain! I CAN EXPLAIN IT!!! JESUS!!!!!!! We still continue to tear up each time we share Avery's story. We are constantly asked about her each time we go to a new doctor. Or even just random people who inquire about her sweet swollen feet. So many are just in awe of her life already. It helps that she is so stinkin cute and happy all the time. I can't get enough of her. I would have to say, I would never want to go through all that we went through the past 3 years, but seeing Avery and seeing her smile, you can't help but marvel at the Love of Jesus! She makes each tear worth it! For sure...just as Dr. Cox preached at Carter's funeral...for every tear drop there will be joy. I can say for sure...I am almost caught up!

These pictures are from 3 months and from seeing Grandparents over her dedication weekend.

Can't help laughing at herself.

Daddy playing with me and my passy.

Couldn't resist her. TOO CUTE.

Dinner after baby dedication.

Daddy making us laugh

3 months old already

Baby dedication

Family photo (she is looking at a water fountain outside!)

Meeting her Granddaddy for the first time

3 months old

Growing too fast

2011-10-16T15:16:00.000-04:00

My sweet girl is growing to fast. Tonight she sat up for 2 seconds by herself on my bed. SHE IS ONLY 11 weeks old!! Crazy girl. She is so much fun to watch laugh and smile and grin. We continue to be amazed at all she is doing. This past week we were at the doctors several times trying to control her reflux. Her doctor said that because she is doing things that 6 month old babies due, her reflux will continue to be bad. Is this the same girl that wasn't supposed to be here and if she was, she wasn't supposed to be developing on target? Still amazing to me. We are headed to a few specialist to try and reduce the edema in her little feet. But besides that, she is a picture of health. This weekend she is being dedicated at church. We are so excited to have family her to celebrate with us. I will post pictures this week of her from Sunday. In the meantime...here are a few we have taken lately.

2 months old already

2011-09-25T23:49:00.000-04:00

It feels like the journey for us to have children took so long, almost forever! Pregnancy seemed to move at a turtles pace daily for me. Now that we have Avery here in our arms, I can't seem to keep up with the days. Everything is moving so quickly and some how I have blinked and she is already 2 months old. My heart is breaking at how fast she is growing up. She has already started to sleep for 8 - 9 hour stretches at night allowing me to get a little more sleep. She has already begun to coo and smiles at us all of the time. My heart is overflowing with love for this sweet girl. I just pray my mind is saving the sweet memories in my heart so I don't forget anything. I know I will forget some of the things that she will do, but I pray that my heart will never forget the feeling of what an incredible miracle and gift she is to Brent and I! I love so much and I especially love being her mommy!

Sweet moments

2011-09-21T09:38:00.000-04:00

They look just alike!

Loves her daddy

Standing on God's Word...literally.

Avery has started to smile a lot and is starting to recognize Brent and I. Here are a couple of other moments that we caught.

Special friends

2011-09-21T09:30:00.000-04:00

We had a lot of special friends that sent Avery some really cute stuffed animal gifts. Here are just a few of them. I personally love the Clifford dog because it came with a clifford book that we love reading!

Newborn

2011-09-19T23:07:00.000-04:00

So having a newborn doesn't allow much time for many others things, unless you do it while they sleep. But, while she sleeps, I am usually cooking, cleaning, working and then it's time for Avery to wake up again. So that is my lame excuse why it's taking so long for pictures. I have several more to download tomorrow (I hope. And will post them asap!)

Should be

2011-08-25T23:58:00.000-04:00

I should be asleep. I fact, I was in bed already and had some thoughts I needed to type on my computer. But now I find myself exhausted and yet excited to Avery to wake up so I can feed her! (it's been over 4 hours and she will wake up screaming soon and hungry!) But I don't mind. I miss her when I am in my room and she is in her room. I never imagined I would love someone as much as I love her!!

Here are a few more pictures from our recent photo shoot. She did a great job. (I will try to post them tomorrow. My computer isn't letter me do it tonight!)

Newborn pictures

2011-08-16T20:27:00.000-04:00

We went to have Avery's newborn pictures done the other day. Here is a quick preview! She is so amazing and adorable. (of course I am bias!)

Daddy's Reflection ...

2011-08-08T21:53:00.001-04:00

I have been overwhelmed by God’s goodness and grace this past 2 weeks. I have reflected upon her name Avery Grayce which means “counselor of grace”. The unique spelling of her middle name purposely to invoke (plus we thought it just looked cool) the question of why …why spelled that way. To share what grace means … “unmerited favor, a gift”, the unconditional love of God toward people.

My prayer is simple: as people hear her story … they understand His story. They catch a clearer glimpse of His Glory, not stopping short of just seeing the miracle and the end result … but seeing Him ultimately.

What I have come to understand more of …

• The reality that each of us desperately need Jesus and His grace.

• The reality that He is in control at ALL times.

• The reality that regardless of what challenges, difficulties, obstacles we face … He is trustworthy …regardless of the outcome as we would hope for, He is still good and can be trusted.

• The reality He answers prayers in His timing and in His perfect way.

• The reality that despite a circumstance looking impossible to man, He chooses to make happen, just because He can and all things are possible with Him.

No doubt, I have witnessed a miracle first hand and am captured by, but most importantly I have witnessed Him in a deeper sense.

Just taking it all in …

Pictures

2011-08-05T09:22:00.000-04:00

I thought I would do a quick post of just updated pictures! Avery is doing great. She is really an awesome baby. She sleeps and eats on a schedule. She wakes us up twice to eat during the night. So although we are without sleep, it's not as bad as we had expected. Her daddy is so in love with her! He fights me to do everything. I will MISS HIM SOOOO MUCH when he returns to work on Monday. That's when Mommyhood will really sink in for me.

This was my labor team. Sally, Brent and Julie! I won't have a baby without these two ladies ever! They are both mom's to 5 children and were such amazing coaches.

Leaving the NICU

Love Mrs. Cheryl

First time meeting nana and grandpa

AVERY GRAYCE SPEARS - 100% MIRACLE

2011-07-30T20:41:00.000-04:00

Avery Grayce is finally here. After 18 hours of labor, she arrived July 25, 2011 at 7:08 pm. She weighed 6lbs 14 oz and was 19 inches long. She was taken right away to the NICU because she has some extra skin on the back of her neck as well as fluid filled feet. Both of these indicated that the Turners Syndrome diagnosis was correct. She spent 4 nights in the NICU so that they could do genetic testing, heart testing, hearing testing, as well as observation. We were surprised that on Thursday night the preliminary results had already come back with the results of her genetic testing. The doctor took Brent and I into the "parent room" to discuss the results. He quickly said (in a South African accent that we just loved) "These test say that your baby is perfect!" NO TURNERS SYNDROME!!! That means that God 100% healed her. We didn't believe the doctor and he had to make a copy of the results for us to see and to keep for ourselves. He said that the extra skin on her neck and the fluid in her feet were just there because of her condition during pregnancy. She will grow into her skin and the fluid in her feet will go down. So funny that we ask and pray for God's healing and then when He does it...we doubt and are shocked by it! He is so good! Brent and I are so overwhelmed with love and joy and excited. We are so grateful for all of you who have joined us in prayer during these months and even during the past three years. We believe that God has such an incredible plan for Avery just as He did for Carter and just as He does for us. We still would never trade the past three years for anything. All we can say is...thank you Jesus! Thank you Jesus! We see your hand and will always trust your heart!

SO...we would like to introduce you to... MISS. AVERY GRAYCE SPEARS!!! OUR MIRACLE!!!!!

Small changes

2011-07-11T12:14:00.000-04:00

Special toybox passed down to us by special friends.

Perfect sign for us!

Lambey her "lovie" given to her by her Daddy

Excited daddy

Handmade bedding

Room is just missing Avery Grayce!

So today's doctor's appointment went well, and we are officially on track for this baby to be here! We are 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. But as many of you already know, that could mean nothing! We are really praying that Avery will show up even before we are induced, but we at least have an end date in sight. So it's officially 2 weeks from today (14 days) that we will be on our way to bringing home Avery. Can't believe it's almost here. Her room is done and just waiting for her. Below are a few pictures we took this weekend. Keep praying.

Survey

2011-07-01T18:41:00.000-04:00

So I have wanted to do this kind of post this whole time, but was too anxious to say anything because we were so unsure if everything would turn out okay. I was put on bed rest this week because of some slight blood pressure issues. So now Brent has to clean, cook, work and do everything for us. He's amazing. So as I am resting I thought I would be brave and post a survey. So here goes!

1. How far along? 35 weeks 4 days

2. Total weight gain - 18 lbs (UGH!)
3. Maternity clothes - Oh you mean they still make non maternity clothes? I feel like I have worn maternity forever!

4. Stretch marks - No major ones

5. Sleep - What is that?

6. Best moment this week - getting my hair done.

7. Worst moment - Being put on bed rest. It hurts to lay down as much as it hurts to stand up and walk around.

8. Movement - NON STOP! I thought when I got to this point that she would slow down a little. No way. This week she has been crazy. In fact, we watched her grab her legs and then let them go. A fun game for her maybe, but for me, major uncomfortable and painful at times.

9. Food Cravings - I have not had anything really consistent in this area. Depends on the day. I can eat ice cream, which when I am not pregnant I can't eat it because of lactose issues. So that could count right?

10. Gender - Still a GIRL and a good thing since everything is PINK! Avery Grayce
11. Wedding rings on or off - On! I may have blood pressure issues, but no swelling.

12. Weekly wisdom - I have tried to save all my wisdom for my last two weeks of clients, so the rest of my days are spent sounding less than wise (just ask my hubby!! LOL)

13. Milestones? - Everything is a milestone at this point! We are three weeks away from really having a baby. Can't believe it.

Getting close

2011-06-20T21:04:00.000-04:00

The closer we get to Avery coming, the more anxious I become to find out what is going on with her. And begging God to have healed her 100%! I know that no matter what this is a miracle baby. But...the closer we get the more nervous I get that she will indeed have Turners Syndrome or something else. I know I will love her and just be so excited to have this perfect beautiful baby, but my heart is torn and full of anxiety of what is to come. I hate even admitting this, as if this is some kind of admission to a lack of faith. In fact it brings me to tears to give into this fear or "disappointment." You just pray and hope that you will have a healthy baby and never imagine that all the things we went through can happen. Not only was all the trials we walked through to have children not been a dream of mine, but it took me by surprise that I would ever have to walk through anything like this!! I have always seen my life as simple. I remember different people in my family giving me a hard time as we were growing up that I was the child that never had to struggle or suffer with anything. Life had always appeared to be easy for me. Of course we know that, that isn't true. Because what may have looked easy to some, was a trial to me. But, I often bought into the lie and thought that nothing could ever happen bad to me. In fact that if I prayed, or wished for it, in someway I would get it. And normally would get it with ease. I was reading a book the other while waiting for a client talking about how we all have a little bit of that feeling that we are untouchable. We would never be affected by disease, death, pain, suffering, sorrow, or just hard times. It makes you grateful for what we do have.

So forgive my rawness today. The exhaustion and heat of pregnancy has gotten to me! I have not been able to 100% find a perfect moment to stop working, mostly because I hate stopping a doing nothing right now. I fear I may regret the time I should be resting when I have a little girl that doesn't want to sleep at night within a few weeks! That sounds crazy to say. Brent and I have continued to be hit with the reality that soon our lives will never be the same. The idea that we will be parents to a little girl that comes to live with us in our home and that we are responsible for raising is mind blowing! We both feel like parents already since having Carter, but since we didn't get the honor of bringing him home, the idea of getting to have Avery in our house forever... still catches us off some days!

Next month

2011-06-01T22:55:00.000-04:00

WE ARE HAVING A BABY NEXT MONTH!! I can hardly believe it. Avery's nursery is almost complete. We just need to wash her clothes and hang some paintings on the wall. We have to put the car seat in the car and put the bag that is packed in the back seat and we are ready. We were at a cookout this weekend and someone there was asking all about Avery. It was funny to me that I was telling her information as if the past few months had not even happened. I told Brent when I got home that I sometimes forget that Avery could still have challenges to overcome or even could be born with Turners Syndrome. I just feel like the worry of saving her life is in the past and we are waiting for the normal birth of a normal baby. Isn't cool how the Lord just makes your heart content and refreshes a newness in our spirits? I love it. Right now I don't care and don't even think about bad, I just know that I have this awesome gift that kicks me ALL DAY AND NIGHT LONG and is so ready to come and live with us. The coolest part... GOD PICKED BRENT AND I TO BE HER MOMMY AND DADDY!!!!! After 3 years of pregnancy (really) we are weeks and days away from the arrival of a perfect gift that we have been asked to mold into a Jesus loving, sweet women after God's own heart. Today there are no tears, just a smile I can't get off my face. I can't imagine smelling a baby and rocking a baby and holding and loving and watching a sweet baby. After we lost Carter, the idea of having a baby in our home seemed so untouchable. And even until a few weeks ago the idea of really being able to have her here, seemed foreign. But as each day passes by and we get closer to full term...this DREAM that we have been in is getting more real and exciting.

We had our baby shower (never imagined that we would get to that) and the amount of gifts and treasures that we have gotten has blown us away! The help friends and family have offered (especially with hand - me - downs.... LOVE IT) has been a treasure for sure. Even our doctors office is amazing and treats us like we are something special and having an extra special girl! To have a child that is special to mom and dad is one thing, but to have a baby that is Light to others....WOW!

So I look forward to days to come to share pictures and updates as the time gets closer and then when she finally arrives. Please pray that Avery WILL be born with no complications and will be free of any issues after birth. Pray for Brent and I as we make finally steps to prepare. Ultimately pray that as we have waited so long to be parents and that we will treasure each moment with Avery Grayce and WILL raise her in way that is pleasing to the Lord. As much as it is tempting to spoil her that we will choose instead to give her a life that allows her to be a servant and testimony to the goodness of God's grace and perfect will for her life. Pray that we don't get in the way of whatever God wants to do to allow us and Avery to minister to others.

To be continued..... CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

Nothing new yet

2011-05-09T20:12:00.000-04:00

It seems like forever since I have had a doctors appointment, but unlike in the past when I feared I had something to worry about, that is not the case now. Avery has been waking me up at night as she does her flips and kicks and hits. I love it, but at the same time...miss my sleep. My friends keep saying, welcome to my new life of being kept up late with a newborn. I just thought I wouldn't have to worry about that until she arrived. Nonetheless, it's amazing to feel her as much as I do. We go to the specialist this Friday followed by our regular OB apt. next week. I am in this place of totally excitement to finally get to meet her and the idea that she is REALLY COMING! At the same, I often fight the reminder that we are not out of the woods yet. We still have no idea what challenges we are going to be facing once she arrives. I continue to pray and ask that my faithful few blog friends continue to pray with me for TOTAL healing of this little girl. I am already amazed and overwhelmed at what He has done so far. I am so looking forward to holding her and having her in my arms this summer. I know it will be here faster than I can imagine. It's just after a 3 year wait filled with lots of loss, the waiting period is becoming harder and harder.

3D

2011-04-29T22:54:00.000-04:00

(This is her mouth open, tongue half way out and her little arms around her face)

This was a picture from our last specialist appointment. I kept saying this is my miracle girl and the Lord continues to bless with that each appointment. The specialist said we officially HYDROPS FREE!!!! Then the cardiologist said that the small hole in her heart that he saw, has closed up so we are now VSD FREE!!!!!! As far as we can tell she still has the hygroma on the back of her head, but because she is getting bigger, it is harder for us to see her neck. She is a mover and shaker for sure. Brent was able to feel her move for the first time last week (which he said "is cool and weird!) He has not been patient enough to feel her again, not that he its take much because she loves to kick as soon as I lay down as night! It's so sweet!

Thanks so very much for continued prayers for total healing! It's been hard for me to not let my heart just expect the total miracle. At the same time I am still guarded that she may have Turners or some other type of chromosome problem. No matter what happens, I know for sure how loved Avery Grayce is for sure! Not just by me, or by our families but by so many people. One of my favorite moments last week was when two sweet kids that I love climbed into my lap and asked to see Avery. I told them both (they are 2 and 3) that she is not here yet. They asked for me to open my mouth so they could see if they could find her! Wish it was that easy.

Finally an Update ( I know I know)

2011-04-06T17:28:00.001-04:00

Man I am not good at keeping up this blog lately. I am so crazy during the day and when I am not busy, I am trying to rest and stay off my feet! As always, I will try to get better.

So the latest with Avery is that she continues to constantly improve. Our last visit to the specialist, I anticipated being told that regardless of what the other doctors see, they some how always see the worst of the situation. Well this time we were excited to hear that the doctor didn't see any hydrops. He said he saw something on her belly, but if he hadn't seen our history, he would have looked over it. So, he told us not to be concerned at all! What an exciting day that was. We will be going to the specialist every other week at this point. Which is the same schedule that we are on with our OB.

I am finally getting excited about her coming. It is finally seeming real. But, there have been so many days that I am just exhausted from lack of sleep at night (because I am uncomfortable). It's those days that I am not rational. Today was one of those days. I woke up around 3 to run to the bathroom. As much as I hate to really wake up to go to the bathroom, but fears always take over and I have to turn the light on to make sure that everything is okay (no bleeding or anything strange). Last night I was shocked to find a huge spider in Brent's sink. I yelled for Brent and made him wake up to kill the spider! After that, sleep didn't come easy. Emotionally I broke down today and told Brent and I just didn't think I would be able to make it through this if something was to happen to Avery. I am sure it was the lack of sleep talking, but at the same time, that is the raw emotions of this journey. The fear each day of is she moving enough, is everything that I feel normal, will we really make it to at least 34 weeks or longer. Each time we are reassured that all is looking better, I just have a hard time trusting that anyone can really give that to me. That is when my faith meets my heart and I know that I have to trust the Lord's plan!

So for today, besides being super grumpy, tired and a little overwhelmed from the busy client schedule I have been keeping, I can say all is well with my soul!

Today's appointment

2011-03-17T23:58:00.000-04:00

Another day at the doctors with more good news. This is such an up and down process that we never know what to expect. The cardiologist said today that he was very impressed with Avery's heart and especially after reading our chart that he doesn't see the fluid around her heart (he assured us he was one of the best in the field and that he was sure of what he saw! He was the funniest man.) He also assured us that she has a very strong heart. His only concern was that she may have a small hole in between the chambers of the heart called VSD or Ventricular Septal Defect. Because Avery tends to move a ton during her sonograms he was only able to see the hole half of the time and didn't see it the other half. So he didn't feel confident that it was even a problem. He asked us to come back again in 4 weeks when she has less wiggle room! LOL. So besides being beat up with the ultrasound probe and that my husband and the nurse and doctor got to see the BEST pictures of Avery today and I didn't see anything (I had to lay on my left side away from the machine for the best view) they feel good about her heart and believe that she is in the clear. If by chance she does have VSD he said that she would have open heart surgery between 6 months and a year of age. He also assured us that the success rate with that surgery is 99%.

We just continued to be amazed at all that happens each week on this journey! I know for sure God is not done writing Avery's story. In fact He has just begun. And I am so proud to be her Mama! How can I help it. Both of my babies stories look like big storms and yet they are really just amazing testimonies for a great Savior!

I know that we are not out of the woods yet. In fact, we still have more hurdles to face. But... for one whole week, we don't have a single doctor's appointment. And for just one day, we have been given more hope for the future of our sweet girl. It's been such a time of trial and emotion for us. During the midst of this pregnancy, one of my sweetest friends here in GA who's children I am in LOVE with, because they wanted us to become pregnant as much as we did!! So to find out that a few weeks before Avery is due, our friends the Walkers are moving to TN has been a heart break, but again, the Lord's plan for their lives. I told my friend Julie tonight that I can't wait for Avery to be here already, but I know that means that she will have moved already!! I know that sounds silly, but again not the exact plan I had for how this would go. Glad to know 2 hrs is close enough for me to run up for a visit and that all 5 of her kids can't wait to have Avery visit "a lot!"

I have been doing a bible study on Jonah talking about "Divine Interruptions." I have to remind myself each week that it's not about me or my plans. I know for a fact that good news today doesn't mean a guarantee tomorrow. But then again no one has a planned tomorrow. So for today we celebrate and wait to see what comes tomorrow. We take the nice "week off from drs." Our next visit is to the OB for a regular visit (as if I ever have that! and to the specialist the 31st for another anatomy scan.)

Avery

2011-03-16T23:21:00.000-04:00

Since the last time I posted, we have been to the doctor weekly! Each week comes with nerves and a lot of anxiety because we never know what to expect. Just one week after our appointment when we were so excited to see the hydrops disappear, we found out that the hydrops are still there. In fact our specialist shared with us that hydrops means two or more areas on the body of the baby that has fluid. Just because one day there wasn't fluid evident in the heart doesn't mean it won't return the next day. So what we saw as a miracle isn't what we had expected. ALTHOUGH... we still have much hope for our sweet girl. We are going to a cardiologist tomorrow to see her heart. There is a concern with a cystic hydroma's that there can be a problem with the heart of the baby. We are hopeful that Avery's will be the exception.

Thanks for the continued prayers for us and Avery. We know that God continues to work in the life of our family. Of course this is never the path we would have chosen in order to have children, but we continued to be amazed at all the Lord is teaching us during this journey. The lessons and picture of His love and grace continues to overwhelm us. Each day is not easy and there have been plenty of moments when I especially am ready to throw in the towel. Not giving up, but just moments when I just want to hide and really am tempted to ask why. I think unless you walk through a journey like this, it's hard to understand the anxiousness that comes with it all. I laugh each week when my blood pressure is taken and each new nurse says "oh my your blood pressure is so high!" One week the doctor was ready to send me to the ER because she was sure I was ready to have a stroke. I ask them to wait until the end of the appointment and try it again. They are all so amazed at the BIG difference! But they always understand it's a lot to take in and how nerves and the "white coat" can get me each time!

I will update more after our appointment tomorrow.

Quick update on Avery

2011-02-28T11:13:00.000-05:00

Here is just a quick update on our most recent appointment. During our last dr. visit, we had our normal sonogram to make sure the baby still had a heart beat. The sonogram tech is so amazing. She wanted to confirm that she had given up a correct prediction of the sex of the baby during the last appointment. So she spent a little extra time looking around to see if she was correct. By the way she was: IT'S A GIRL!!!! During our last ultrasound, the same tech had told us the fetal hydrops and hydroma was measuring about 4 cm. To her and our surprise, during this scan, the fetal hydrops we all gone in the heart, lungs and the belly! All three of us were shocked. To asked the other tech to give us a second sonogram to make sure she was right about it being a girl, and to look at the hydrops again. The second tech actually worked with our specialist for many years and has a great idea at what she was seeing. She confirmed that their was no fluid in the heart, lungs and just a drop in the belly. She also said the hydroma on the head was only measuring about 1 cm to 1.5 cm. There are a few explanations for the smaller hydroma, but the hydrops were are a miracle. We go back to the specialist this week to find out more information. We are hopeful and know that the Lord is answering our prayers!

So here SHE is (sucking her thumb): Miss. Avery Grayce Spears.

Clinging to Grace and Hope

2011-02-10T21:49:00.000-05:00

I am sorry I have not been better at updating my blog. To be honest, I have been weary and still trying to get my mind around all of this going on! Each day sets in more frustration and hurtful and yet we are clinging to whatever Hope we can. It's amazing that we have so many praying for us when we can't pray for ourselves. We have so many with Hope when we feel like giving up.

We had to make a very hard decision this week to seek out a new OB. It was an awesome decision. We love our new doctor. She appears to be Godly women that told us she doesn't hope for a miracle but she expects a miracle! So do we. She gave us so much to hope for during our appointment. We both walked out with renewed strength. At the same time, when I take a second to process all that is going on, I still feel so overwhelmed and trying to hold on to the edge of the cliff before I fall into the sea.

If you look online the condition our little has, all the facts point to 99 to 100% fatal condition. The baby has two conditions. It's called Cystic Hydroma with fetal hydrops. Basically is it fluid on the back of the head and neck as well as surrounding the whole body. On top of that my placenta has attached very low which means no excessive movements, no working out or any other excessive moving around. Right now our first concern is the placenta then its the fluids. But really I am just nervous and overwhelmed by it all. It felt so great today to celebrate with friends to news of renewed hope. But in the quiet moments of life, I can't help but dwell on the possible reality of what the future may hold. Still trying to grasp all the God is trying to teach us since our journey began in 2008. One thing for sure He is showing me is what I read the other day in from devotion.

I am with you, and FOR YOU! You face NOTHING along - NOTHING!!!! When you feel anxious, know that your are focusing on the visible world and leaving Me out of the picture. The remedy is simple: Fix your eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. Verbalize your trust in me, Living One who sees you always. I will get you safely through this day and all your days. But you can find ME only in the present. Each day is a precious gift from My Father. How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today's is set before you! Receive today's gift gratefully unwrapping it tenderly and delving into its depths. As you savor this gift, you find Me. - Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

So what can you all do? Pray pray pray!

1. Pray for complete healing of the hydrops and hydroma
2. Pray for Hope for Brent and I
3. Pray for knowledge and protection for our dr.
4. Pray for us financially as we both have to work and that is become harder for me. Also we are finally coming out from under all we went through with Carter and finishing paying off all that cost and now we starting all over again.
5. Pray for us to be patient with each other as we process all that is going on.
6. Last pray for our little one's life and the testimony and purpose the Lord has on it's life.

Need a miracle

2011-01-21T11:43:00.001-05:00

So my great intentions of blogging more often have once again been disrupted. I had been so excited to finally share that we had FINALLY gotten pregnant again and FINALLY made it past the first trimester and THEN.....we arrive to today. I sent out this message to several friends on facebook today. This is our need of prayer and miracle from God.

"We found out yesterday that this baby has significant fluid around it's body and it's looking like we will lose the baby at some point (maybe soon but could be as late as full term). If the baby doesn't die in the womb then it will be born as a dwarf with either noonan or turner syndrome. Both of those syndrome carry some pretty big health issues such a heart issues and other issues we have not explored yet, because we just can't go there today. There are no other safe test that we can do at this moment so we have made the choice to wait it out and see what God does. We have heard of stories of complete healing and having perfectly normal babies. Even with the prognosis as bad as ours (fluid around the back of the neck means down syndrome. Normal downs kids have 2mm of fluid. This baby has 10 - 12 mm of fluid from the neck to the bottom of the spine and then on top of the belly). We just pray that God will either heal this baby, or take this baby fast or allow us to go full term and have the baby live after delivery and we will love it no matter the challenges. Just don't want to lose this little one later and have to go through all that we went through with Carter again. "

I told Brent last night that I know I can't demand anything from the Lord and that I don't deserve anything from Him either. But my struggle for today is trying not to have the mindset that He owes us this baby and He owes me this baby the way He provides babies all over the world as "perfect health." Our hearts are confused and hurt. But we are clinging to the fact that God has our best intentions for our lives and never promised us easy journeys. We will walk just a day at a time and pray and believe that He can and will heal this baby.

Thanks in advance for all encouragement and prayer. We are boldly asking everyone we know and don't know to intercede for us and pray for healing and a miracle. We are both in shock and overwhelmed right now but surrounded by amazing people who have wrapped us up already and loved us more than we deserve. Thanks for being willing to love us, pray for us and encourage us. We are so very blessed. We just trust the Lord's heart even when we can't trace His hand.

Brent, Jenna and Baby Spears

Looking for something new for 2011

2010-12-27T22:33:00.002-05:00

My plan is to update this blog and do a little redesign before 2011 gets started. Be looking for changes, updates on the Spears and all that we have been up to!

Perfect

2010-09-07T08:57:00.000-04:00

I have had so much on my plate in the last few weeks. But, I need more. We have been praying about ways to increase the amount of clients that I see each day, so that we can get even more serious about being debt free. We have also been talking a lot about just the frustration and pain each month that goes by that we are still not pregnant. But again, the cost of going to a specialist and starting that process is overwhelming. For me, it has been almost an obsession for me the last few days. Then last night, it was like the Lord just spoke out loud to me!! I couldn't help sobbing. As my husband lay in bed watching the football game on TV, I opened up my devotional book. I had to read it out loud because of how perfect it was for Brent and I. Of course, I couldn't even get half the words out through my tears, but the message penetrated my heart for sure. I have been reading a book by Sarah Young and Sept 6th says: (the Lord is talking)

DO EVERYTHING IN DEPENDENCE ON ME. The desire to act independently-apart from Me - springs from the root of pride. Self-sufficiency is subtle, insinuating its way into your thoughts and actions without your realizing it. But apart from ME YOU CAN DO Nothing that is, nothing of eternal value. My deepest desire for you is that you learn to depend on Me in EVERY SITUATION. I move heaven and earth to accomplish this purpose, but you must collaborate with Me in this training. Teaching you would be simple if I negated your free will or overwhelmed you with My power. However, I love you too much to withdraw the godlike privilege I bestowed on you as My image-bearer. Use your freedom wisely, by relying on ME CONSTANTLY. Thus you enjoy MY PRESENCE and MY PEACE.

What perfect timing that was for me. Isn't it funny, that nothing has changed. I am still not pregnant, we still need to increase our income, I still need a newer car that can get me from place to place, I still need to lose more weight...faster, I still need to make major decisions in our lives about a long list of things that need to be done now... BUT what has changed is that I need to remember to DO EVERYTHING DEPENDING ON HIM! Which free's me up from everything.

Taking today for what it is

2010-07-25T17:26:00.000-04:00

Friday night we had some of our favorite kids spend the night with us before our big tubing trip! As we were putting them all the bed we stopped to pray. I asked the girls if they had anything special to pray about. They both said that they would like to pray what they always pray for at night. So I encouraged them both to pray and that Brent and I would close in prayer. Both girls, as part of their routine, asked God to give "Brent and Jenna a baby!" God continues to teach me so much through children. Even though this waiting process continues to be so hard, I am glad that I am able to stop and learn little life lessons along the way.

I feel like sometimes my life appears to be consumed with the fact that we are having trouble having kids. It makes me feel shallow some times. I know that sounds crazy, but I often feel convicted on the fact that I am always seeking the future. I don't want to live for the future, but for the present. I want to treasure the moments that we have as we finish teaching our 2nd grade Sunday School class. I want to cherish the moments as I pray with a client who is struggling with their salvation or a heavy burden in their life. I want to cherish the moments that I am on the treadmill with special girlfriends just talking about the healthy dinner choice we made last night or the fun evening with our family we had. I want to cherish what God has given me to do today. I want to seek to learn more about the moment He has called me to in the right now. I have said this before, how I can often get ahead of myself and wish my day away. God continues to show me that His grace is enough, for today. So live in today and live it to the fullest!!

Summer

2010-06-30T22:44:00.002-04:00

Life is flying by us again. I some how end up thinking back to when... or what would life be like if... The trouble with those statements is that I always get into trouble when I play the what if game. I believe that "if" if was going to happen, then it would have happened. But because of the sovereignty of God, than what is happening in my life now, is part of God's plan and because of that... it is good. I can say that after a 1 year 11 months after losing Carter, or 1 year after losing baby number two, or 6 months after losing baby number three, the pain isn't as fresh each day. I can say that I have more good days than bad days. In fact, I notice the sun shinning more seek out ways to do things that I used to love to do. Before Carter, I LOVED to cook. It brought me joy to cook something new and fun. Since Carter, cooking was a little overwhelming. I could do it, but it didn't have the same excitement as before. THAT excitement is back again. I am finally feeling like me again. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Lord!

I have seeking ways to make better decisions for my life. Brent and I have been working out at the gym since last October. We love it. But, our gym is around the corner from the cemetery. The gym is towered over by the hospital Carter was born and died in. The gym is in an area of town that has a way of making me sad. So I switched locations. As it turned out, my trainer and my best girls friends all go to other location anyway, so it made more sense for us. The drive to the other gym is further from our house, but closer to Brent's work. I honestly don't care about the drive, because getting to sweat and chat with girlfriends is the highlight of my week. Not to mention my friends have the sweetest kids that can just say my name and I melt right into all of their little hands!!!

During a baby dedication at the church the other night, I began to in vision the day when we are able to have a baby and baby dedication service. I started to cry thinking about it. Not so much because I was sad, but more because I became so overwhelmed at how many people are praying for us. Not just saying they are praying, but praying weekly, daily, several times a day for us to have a baby! Not just adults praying, but sweet girls and boys at our church and in our life that are praying! I can't explain to you the feeling that comes from knowing that before your child has even been thought about, there are friends and family members that are begging the Lord on our behalf to bless us with children. That blows me away.

We are so very blessed. Blessed in more ways that I can list (mostly because I will cry before I type the first word!) I can't thank the Lord enough for all He has done in our lives these past three years! We have learned so much and we have grown so much.

The Lord is so so good. I just get excited to be able to share with others all that he has done in our lives, using a sweet little baby born, who weighed a little more than a pound named Carter. In fact I have clients that can't remember my name, but know the name of my son. That is compliment in my book for sure!

God uses it all

2010-06-04T23:39:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow we are going to attend the funeral of a 2 1/2 month old little baby boy from our church that fell asleep this week in his home, and woke up in the arms of the Lord. I can feel the pain of this family, as we sat in the same seat this family will sit in almost 2 years ago. It's so tough to imagine that any one else has to walk through the same experience that we walked and continue to walk. But, the incredible thing about the Lord is how he allows me - us- believers to use what may appear to be the terrible life events for His good. I am confident that tomorrow I will be able to pray for this family understanding the sick feeling in the pit of their stomachs knowing what that day means. I feel as if I will be able to look that mother in the eyes and let you know that through a different situation, I know what it's like to have your child live in the arms of Jesus instead of our own arms. I continue to pray that God will use Carter's life and what I have learned through these past two years to help others. I can see how once again, God is uses it all. The ugly head of death of a baby, the pain and sorrow of grief, and the torment of waiting for the day when healing will come of our hearts - ultimately the day when we see Jesus. And as parents of a child that is already with Jesus, we can understand that longing to see the face of Christ and our baby again. As you read this, please take a second to pray for this family and the journey they have ahead of them. Pray for them as God will change their lives and grow them as He has done in our lives these past two years.

Summer is almost here

2010-05-19T09:14:00.004-04:00

As soon as I think I am about to commit to blog on a more regular basis, life happens. I seem to be running in so many directions some days that the last thing on my mind (really) at night is, oh I forgot to blog about this day.

I guess nothing really over exciting has come up for us in the past few weeks since my last entry. But again, those are always the days that I seem to walk away with the most. A lot of what God has been teaching us through these days of waiting and waiting and waiting, is patience and meaning what we say. Praying for other friends who have loss babies like we have and yet getting the wonderful news that they are now expecting. Having the honor of praying for them and with them and for them helps us with our walk with the Lord and also is encouraging to us that God has a plan for us and we feel like it will include more children.

I proclaimed on this mother's day that this would be the LAST mothers day I would be spend wtihout a child. Isn't so silly how we can make such BIG statements telling God what He needs to do?

Once again, my sweet husband made sure the day was special for me and that I would be reminded that I am a mother. (sometimes you feel a little silly and discouraged on those days when there's nothing to hold on to). Brent always treats me like a princess, and this year was no different.

We both feel like the Lord is preparing us for something and something sooner than later. No idea what that is, but it's just what we keep sensing. As summer approaches, my work often decreases (not sure why summer means less counseling needs)? We hope that we are able to use these days to continue to minister, love on others, and continue the preparation for whatever He has planned. I can tell you this.... I know that part of this plan must have to do with working out at the gym! Or at least I hope so! Brent and I have been working out for months now, and although we both feel better and see changes, the process of getting healthy is tough somedays. Especially days when I tell Brent... nothing will solve this issues, except for a reese's peanut butter cup. So far he has never given in to that temptation.

Before the Morning

2010-04-30T12:39:00.003-04:00

I sometimes associate this blog with so much pain. I think that is why often I ignore it or even avoid writing how I feel. There is so much hurt, sorrow, pain, frustration we have daily. But then there is still that hope I deal with on a daily basis. I have a false sense that I need to be strong and just keep plugging away with life to be a witness for others. And there are days that I can do that. Then some days I can't go a few minutes without the tears coming so easy. I feel defeated. I feel hopeless. Not a hopeless as in the Lord has forgotten me and my desires and dreams, but a hopeless that maybe we are supposed to have chidren here on earth. THEN... the next minute I hold onto Psalms 37:4... knowing God will give us the desires of our hearts.

I started the above blog in Feb. and still haven't posted it. But then this week, God showed me something powerful. I seemed to have a running theme with my clients right now. I have seen a lot of hopeless families, couples that are defeated in their marriages, and a lot of people questioning why their life is so frustrating. I would be lying if I said I never had that thought. I started to ask the Lord to really give me a freshness from His Word and to show me His way of seeing life. And of course He did!

If your like me, I often try to do the same things again and again and just hope life turns out different. I began to realize Friday's were really rough days for me. I don't work on Fridays, I usually have very little interactions with friends, I am normally so tired I am just ready to throw in the towel for the week, and feel defeated. I often make things worse by heading to the cemetary which brings me down more. But this week, I made some changes. I worked out with friends today instead of on Monday. I have a list of things that need to be done before tomorrow. Already I feel strength.

On my way home from the gym I heard this song on radio and knew God was speaking to me. It also brought clients and friends to my mind to stop and pray for. It was exactly what I needed. The song is "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson. My favorite line in the whole song is: The Pain that your feeling, CAN'T compare to the joy that's coming!! Isn't that awesome. To think that the pain that God has allowed in my life, or your life if NOTHING compared to the joy we have coming. That gets me so excited. The pain that I am feeling is just the dark before the morning. With morning comes new mercies each day. So I just have to dare to believe. I don't just dare to believe.... I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE!!!! I know I serve a God who knows me, loves me and wants GOOD stuff for me. Thank you Jesus! Praise you Jesus. Thank you Jesus!!

Josh Wilson - Before The Morning

2010-04-30T12:33:00.001-04:00

History Made!

2010-02-08T00:01:00.003-05:00

New Orleans will always have a special place in our hearts! It is the birth place of my dad (Jenna's dad)...the city we met some of our best friends...the place I (Jenna) first laid eyes on my best friend and husband...the place I had my first official date...the city we got the best education from the best seminary in the US...the city where we met some of the most Godly men and women and mentors...the city that may have looked ugly and dirty on the outside, but is full of some of the neatest people with the neatest stories...a city that was destroyed by hurricane Katrina...and now the city that represents the winners of the Superbowl 2010!! We love our Saints.

Brent and I had such an awesome day celebrating just the fact that the Saints were in the Superbowl. We made and ate some of our favorite foods from a city that is so special in our hearts! We had shrimp po-boys for lunch. Then crawfish corn soup and beignets for dinner (with a little bit of nachos as well. We had to have a little bit of superbowl food in there.) The fact that the Saints won... Lagniappe!!! (it means a little something extra! Another fun Cajun word!)

WE LOVE YOU NEW ORLEANS AND WE LOVE THE SAINTS!!! WHO DAT BABY... WHO DAT!!!!!!! History was made tonight for sure!!!

Hide and Seek

2010-01-18T11:42:00.004-05:00

Not even sure what to say right now. I guess I always believe that my blog should be used when I have lots of good stuff happening in my life. But right now... life isn't so much fun. In fact the circumstances of my life really sort of stink. This is when having your own business makes you panic a little. I am blessed that I know the Lord always provides for us. He knows what time of year it is. He knows that January comes after December when we have more to pay for and more expenses go out rather then cash coming in. I know He know that.
I also know that He knew what would happen to this baby. He knew that once again we would experience another loss. He knew that. I am not sure really this purpose of it all. In my weakest moments, I keep feeling like maybe there is something I am not getting. Maybe I am not learning some lesson that I need to learn. I think sometimes I am missing something and until I figure out that aspect of my life then and only then will the Lord bless me with the Desire of my heart.

When we lost Carter I bought all kinds of books in order to deal with the hurt in my heart and in my whole body. It wasn't until the week that I even really sat down and looked at the book. I picked up a devotional companion called "Grieving the Child I never knew." The first chapter - first day... had my name written on the top line. It is called "Hide - And - Seek" I like this game because for me... it helps. I have this idea right now that helping others will somehow make my pain go away. Or at least camouflage it. I feel like there are days that people get tired of all that we are going through. Almost as if to say... isn't two times enough for us to give you support and sympathy. Of course this again is the lie that I tell myself. And maybe there are those that feel that way. Not sure why I feel the need to feel guilty for there frustration!

I myself have learned so much about the process of grief. I learned (as I was reminded by my friend Sally the other day) not to ask people what they need but to make myself available to them.
1. Not to ask if they would like dinner, but to tell them I am bringing dinner over.
2. Not to take it personally if someone is not in the mood to talk or leave the house... to go at their pace.
3. Not to say let me know if there is anything I can do... but look for ways I can serve. Tell them I will be over to clean there house, or wash their clothes or watch their child while they are resting or going to a dr. appointment.

There are so many other lessons that I am learning this third time around. I believe the way I minister and counsel is changing too. I sometimes think I could have read this in a book or watched someone else go through this and still learned the same thing... but I guess that is me lying to myself.

I Peter 4:12 says "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as through something strange were happening to you." This just says to me... Jenna your not crazy and that trails and storms will come. How will I face them.

Each time we suffer a loss, Brent and I have noticed that there are themes. Carter the theme verse was "your grace is sufficient." And was it ever! The last time it seemed for me to be "Be still and know that I am God." This time it is one of my favorite verses that comes up again and again: Psalms 37:4: If you delight yourself in the Lord HE WILL give you the desires of your heart."

Lord my desire is to have my own children to raise to be children who are sold out for you! I desire to delight myself in you. I desire to make my desires your desires. Even in my hurt, sadness, anger and pain... I don't want to run away and hide... I want to grow and seek you!

And Again

2010-01-12T13:12:00.003-05:00

I had just fussed at myself last week for not keeping up with this blog. But in a way I was scared to write. Today my fears were confirmed. At 6 weeks and 6 days we saw the beautiful beating heart of our sweet baby. Today at 9 weeks and 5 days, we were told that once again our baby fell asleep in my womb and woke in the arms of Jesus. We believe the baby passed on Sunday, as that is the first day I stopped having some of the intense pregnancy symptoms. We will never know. We were able to see that this baby had a genetic issue that caused the baby to stop growing. That in a strange way brings comfort to Brent and I as we worry that as we are getting older that there is something wrong with us causing us to not be able to carry a baby to full term. Our doctor confirmed today, as they did the last time, that this just happens. There is nothing that we did and nothing that we can do.

I really really want to be strong and quote some incredible words of scripture. But right now, I am so confused and just really really mad that I am taking comfort in the fact that the Lord loves us and on our behalf family and friends are praying. We have again chosen to wait at home until the baby miscarries. We will again wait until the Lord allows us to get pregnant again. We don't want to give up on our dream and desire to have children. Today.... this is harder than other days.

I looked forward to the day when true answers will come and I can understand more more about why suffering has to occur. I guess until that day comes.... I will just trust and wait.

Joy Through Tears

2009-12-26T08:36:00.004-05:00

How about this for Joy Through Tears! We are having a BABY.... and the baby is due August 12th!! Carter's birthday is August 9th.

We have been so excited to share our good news but wanted to wait until after Christmas day so we could surprise our families. Since we are sharing Christmas with my parents at my house, we went ahead and sent Brent's family special gifts that included cards and personalized messages announcing that they are going to be grandparents!!! We also sent Brent's sister a special gift with a card telling her about the baby and were surprised ourselves. When she called to tell us congratulations, she told us that she had just gotten ENGAGED!!! WHAT A CHRISTMAS FOR THE SPEARS FAMILY!!!

As far as my family, we had a few plans that we had talked about in order to share with my parents our news. We wrapped up three picture frames. One for my dad, one for my sister and one for my mom. We had my dad open his first. It was a professional picture of our dog, Wrigley from our trip to the beach in a sweet frame that says best buddies. Then my sister open the same gift. This is something that we do in our family all of the time... we give several family members the same exact gift and then laugh as they are opening it and say "I wonder what it could be?" SO as my mom was saying "Oh I wonder what this could be... I am excited to see my picture of Wrigley... " Instead she opened a frame that says "I (picture of a heart) Nana - with a sonogram picture of the new baby! It was quiet for a few seconds for sure, as she didn't quite grasp what it was. Then she started to cry and everyone got excited and started to cheer. It was a great surprise!!

As far as the baby is going... everything is great. We are a little on the high risk side because of the past two years, so we are being extra careful. I have been taking hormone pills at night as well as an antibiotic to keep the infection under control that is present when I get pregnant. I have been to the doctor 4 times in the first 7 weeks. We have had our first sonogram and will go for the next one on Jan 12 (unless I feel the need to go before that day. They have given me permission to go with my mother's intuition and if I feel like ANYTHING is wrong or just need reassurance, then I can go get another look at the baby! What a treat that is).

We are so thrilled about this baby. We appreciate all of your prayers during this next few months for sure. It has been a long road and Brent and I both feel a peace about this pregnancy, but ultimately don't feel like we can really breathe and relax until we are holding our precious child in our arms!

Merry Christmas blog friends. I promise to be better and keep all up to date on all baby news from here on out!! Thanks for praying for sure. Keep it up for sure!

Don't mess with a Momma's boy!!!

2009-11-12T15:26:00.004-05:00

Don't mess with a Momma's baby, or I will tell you what... I stopped by to see Carter on Monday (as I do many weeks on my way to work), only to discover the cross we had placed on the grave on his birthday was missing. But more than that... the vase and flowers were missing!! I was having a bad day already on Monday. My trainer at the gym had made major changes to my workout and I was in lots of pain. My head was hurting, I was hungry (always hungry) and tired and not wanting to talk to anyone else that day! I decided instead of saying something I would regret, I would call my hubby and tell him to call and take care of this issue. After calling he said that often there are vases stolen to use for the copper! That brought me no comfort, but more anger! So Wednesday I went over and kindly (I tried to be) asked them what happened and what they would be doing about it. We learned that there was an infant 6 months old that was buried next to Carter and to protect his vase, it was removed. They had just placed it on the wrong grave when they put everything back together. I was so frustrated that they could make such a mistake. I began to understand the idea of a mother protecting her child. I also had to learn more and more about God's grace. Yes the vase and flowers are important to me, but really people and relationship with people are even more important than that! Even the midst of a mother's wrath, God taught me about his gace!! Thank you Lord.

Back again!

2009-10-24T22:22:00.004-04:00

*Beware of lot's of grammer and spelling errors!! Will edit when I get a second!!!

What a day I had yesterday! In fact I was so excited about all that the day was going to hold! One of my precious friends was having a yard sale to benefit her brother. He is in his mid 30's and was given the devastating diagnosis this summer that he has ALS. He has already started to progress very quickly. We had come up with the idea to have a small sale, that turned into such a great blessing of how God's people come together to help serve friends who have never meet. It rained most of the day, and many of the items we had hoped would sell has not, but we are hoping to sell them on Craigslist and still get a little bit of money out of them. But... during the sale, I had to run home for a minute. When I returned, my friend was on the phone with another friend of ours. She had called to ask us to pray for her daughter who had had an accident at school and was knocked unconscious for a few minutes. I quickly took off to Gwinnett Medical ER. It was the same place I had been a year before when I found out I was loosing Carter. But, I knew that is what God had for me to on Friday. So I sat and waited with Lisa and her middle daughter. She was fine and in fact doing much better when we were finally able to leave several hours later. Although, there was another family that came in while we were there that didn't get the same good news we got Friday. A little child was rushed through the halls of the children's ER and put into a few rooms down from us. We could hear the commotion and feel the stress of the nurses and doctors as they all ran to help the child. Less than 10 minutes after the commotion began, everything stopped. It was obvious to me what had happened. I knew my friend and her daughter were already stressed enough with all of the craziness they had had during their day. I tried to help make as much noise as I could to entertain my friends, so that they would not be subjected to the noise that was happening in the hallway. I had to struggle to not allow myself to go back to that moment a year ago when I was told that my son was gone. Within a few seconds, the hospital chaplain and social worker and doctor took the sweet family into the room next door and told them the devastating news... there was nothing more they could do, and their precious child was gone. The sound of the mothers scream made my stomach hurt. Although we were able to somewhat distract my friends daughter, I knew my friend Lisa hurt the cry of that mother. She dropped her apple that she had been eating and gave me a looked of pain, fear and panic. It was a moment I had hopped I would never be a part of again. Even being a room away, didn't take away the sickness we felt in our stomachs. Earlier when we began to hear the commotion begin, sweet Emily had looked to us and asked if we could pray for the little child that was so sick. We tried to pretend that the sound we heard was nothing (as I was talking loud and clapping my hands in excitement over the Disney movie we were watching in the ER room). I had seen the people walk into the room and knew what was about to happen and just asked the Lord to help shield our sweet little girl in her bed from hearing the sounds all around her. I not sure she didn't hear the cries but she didn't react to them as if they were anything to be concerned about.

As I walked to pull up our cars when it was finally time to go home, I walked out with the couple who's whole lives had been changed in just a few seconds. A day that they would never forget, and day that will turn their worlds upside down. I walked into the parking lot with this family, so much wanting to hug them, or give them words of encouragement. Tell them I know a little how they feel. Tell them how I walked into the same doors last year with my own child safe in my womb and walked out with arms empty. Tell them that as terrible as it was, I am still able to stand today and walk through another day because of my savior Jesus Christ. I wanted to just touch them. I wanted to hug that mom and tell her that it will be okay one day! But I couldn't. Instead as much as I had tried to pretend, being there, in the same ER ,where I lost my own child was no big deal, it was killing me inside.

I left there (starving... as I have stared a new diet and working out with a personal trainer, and require a lot more food than I used too) to run and help clean up from the yard sale. I finally was able to get home, only to hurry and get ready for a friends bday party. I got in the shower to try and cool off and cleanse my heart a little. Instead, I broke down crying. I still can't get the sound of that mother's cries out of my mind. I don't 100% know what she is feeling, but can understand the pain of losing a child. I don't know what it is like to have had a special gift placed into my arms for a few years and then to be taken into the arms of Christ. But I do know what it is like to hold that child for a few hours and having to walk away and go home empty handed. I keep thinking that this feeling of defeat will pass. The feeling of disappointment month after month finding out we are still not pregnant, to just go away. The hope of having a child while we are still considered young parents, just disappear. I will be 36 in 13 days. It's hard to be excited about exciting events when in fact I really am so sad and just mad that I can't just blow out some candles on a cake and get the "little wish" that I really desire most.

I wish so much that I could say everything will be great and that God will take this away from me and I will be fine. I do know that God is doing great things and our story is helping other people. I know that because I hear that from others. I don't always believe it. In fact I often feel like a failure. I feel like I will never be okay again. I get tired some days of walking in these shoes of lose. I get tired of looking at an empty crib, but don't have the desire to take it down because that would be me admitting defeat. In fact there are days when I am ready to throw my hands up and save I give in! It's days when I am taken back to the place where my life changed that I want to scream Life really stinks!!! I know that truth and believe the truth. But for today, my heart and spirit is weak. I struggle to see the future and am so glad that the Lord knows my future and has a plan for me. UGH, what a day back again!!

Infant Loss

2009-10-15T23:49:00.003-04:00

It's been a year since I posted this same post. October 15 - National Infant, pregnancy loss day and the day my best friend Jen was born! What a day of crazy emotions. Today was not what I had expected at all. I didn't feel like I had a chance to sit and ponder on the life and death of Carter of the other sweet friends of mine who have also lost children. My life these days seems to be going 10000 miles per hour. I desire so much to be stopped in my tracks. I want the Lord to allow me to be pregnant and have to slow down. But... I know that is something I must do myself. I am taking a bible Study with friends on Thursday mornings. It is called "One in a Million" It is amazing (although really I have continued to daily say how much I hate it!) It's where I am... in the wilderness. I feel like I am wandering around trying to figure out where I need to be going, knowing that there is "water up ahead" I just can't seem to find it. Do you ever feel that way? You know God has given you direction and even a path (I think he mailed me a map the other day, I just can't seem to figure out how to read it. Just kidding) But I feel like just the Israel, He is taking me the wrong way in order to get to the promise land. Losing two children is not the way to build a family. No.. listen to me Lord, I have it all figured out. So lets just do it my way and things will turn out great!! And that's the line that keeps getting me into trouble.... day after day after day!!

So starting tomorrow, I will wake up again and begin the day serving the Lord and seeking His plan for just tomorrow and hope and pray that I don't mess up His plan and spend more time searching in the wilderness, when really all I need to do is pick up the map and go girl!!! Just go girl!!!!!!!!

Labor Day already?

2009-09-05T21:28:00.005-04:00

I can't believe it is Labor Day already. Last year Brent and I attempted a small vacation to AL. It was really a quick get away and actually we had to run away from a hurricane! This year, we spent time planning and are headed to a "real planned out" vacation to the beach! We can't wait. The car is packed already and we are trying to tie up last seconds duties so we can pull out as soon as church ends tomorrow. (We are studying the end times in church and it is so good, we really wanted to stick around. Also, Brent has pastoral prayer team tomorrow, and needs to stay to pray... especially since we are studying the end times!!)

In the last few weeks, the Lord has been showing Brent and I both so much in our lives. I have had a tough few weeks at work, that I know is spiritual warfare. I have had my armor, sword, guns, knives and any other weapon I can find on hand!! I realize that Satan is really trying to work on me and get me to feel defeated. But how can I when I serve such a BIG GOD??? Planning the vacation for a week at the beach has been tough. On top of that the idea that we should be bringing our sweet little boy with us to see the beach for the first time is painful. At the same time, God continues to give me a peace more than ever that in His timing, we will have more children. I can hardly wait to share with you all the amazing things He has been showing us and revealing to us in the last few weeks. We recently had a great sermon on Discouragement and how we all live with it from time to time. Discouragement can be a Joy killer!! It was out of Hebrews 12:1-3. Something Dr. Cox shared has stayed in my heart since then. He said that "God did not save us in order for us to lives in a state of discouragement." The more I think about that, the more it makes sense. If I truly believe Jer. 29:11, then how can I live a life of discouragement. I can't!!! He has a plan and it is good, so good!!

Off to the beach and I can't wait to share with you all our pictures. Pray for us as we enjoy our time as a family and our time with the Lord. I look forward to hearing from Him this week for sure!

Rainbows

2009-08-22T21:48:00.003-04:00

This was actually a double rainbow, but I could not seem to get a good picture of it! It's still awesome.

Leading up to Carter's birthday I had begged the Lord to give me peace. Of course, HE DID!! I began to feel a relief that the first major milestone was finally here and gone and I was able to stand strong during that time. Leading up to his birthday, I had prayed, prepared my heart and really focused on the Lord so that I would be able to celebrate all that God has done this year. Then, I began to forget. I began to allow myself to take control again and thought that since that one day was gone, I was cleared of any additional emotional breakdowns that might occur. Oh was I wrong. I had 7 meltdowns in 7 days. It was never about Carter, but it was about me letting my guard down and believing the lie that I was able to handle things alone! What a reminder that I need Christ more than ever to walk me through my day. Even if I had never gone through what we had this past year, the reality of needing a savior is so real in my life. I would say one thing the Lord has really shown me in my life, is just when I think I am in the clear of being able to handle "life" I am quickly reminded... I could never walk a single day without Jesus in my life.

The most wonderful reminder of the Lord showed in front of my house last week. We have had some afternoon/evening storms this past week. One night we were certain it was about to really storm. The sky was very black, the trees began to sway, and the wind was so strong... it was obvious it was going to rain. Instead, the most beautiful reminder of the Lord's promises and love shone bright in the sky!! The storm never happened. Instead TWO rainbows filled the sky. I tried to catch the beauty on my camera, although the camera could never do this sight justice. Thank you Lord for the rainbows in our days. It was a wonderful reminder to me, never think that I can face storms alone. I always need a savior to face each day, storm or no storm! The fact is I NEED JESUS!! What a blessing to know that He will NEVER leave me or forsake me!! God is good all the time, even when I am not.

What a week (and it's only Wednesday)

2009-08-12T22:53:00.003-04:00

I can't believe Sunday came and went. Just like that, a year has past since Carter's birth and death. I have to say that I made it through Sunday without tears (I began to well up during a song at church, but didn't break down). Many reading this may feel like that is heartless and cold. You have to understand, I begged the Lord to give us peace. I begged the Lord to make Carter's first birthday a celebration of his life here on earth and even more importantly now in heaven. Of course GOD DID IT!!! The cemetery was hot, but so peaceful and beautiful. We had such a wonderful day on Sunday. It was a true blessing. Friday will be a year since I last saw my sweet boy face to face. It will be one year since I was able to hold him in my arms. It will be a year since I last touched his face and kissed his sweet fingers and toes. As I look back on the year, I came smile and say... thank you Lord. You are good. Although, during this week, it has been hard. I had a special friend of mine, miscarry a baby last night. She actually lost her son last summer as well, and now suffered a miscarriage. It was such a blessing to me to be able to minister to her last night and love her and her husband. It was a gift that God would allow me to be used to minister to other women who also are going through this struggle of loss.

God placed a message in my heart last night that I placed on my facebook page. As I went throughout my day today, counseling several families who are contemplating divorce, or have been through loss themselves, God kept bringing this message to my heart.

I am so glad I serve a God who is bigger than my biggest enemy... greater than my greatest trial... more mighty than my most painful loss...and more awesome than my finite mind could ever imagine!! Now that is what I call victory!!

Happy Birthday Carter

2009-08-09T22:24:00.004-04:00

Happy 1st Birthday with Jesus Baby! Your mom and Dad praise the Lord for you!! (and so do all your grandparents and auntie/aunts!)

Opening Ceremony

2009-08-07T23:03:00.004-04:00

As Brent was out watering the garden tonight , I couldn't help but think back to one year ago, what I was doing. (not so much about the date, but the day) I had spent the day with my friend Lisa and her son Seth at the movies. Brent had made dinner for us, and we both had been so excited about the opening ceremony of the 2008 Olympics. I laid down on the sofa telling Brent I was not feeling well. I finally decided that I would go upstairs and try to lay down in bed and relax and even fall asleep early, if possible. It had been a tough few days, full of stress and worry at how my pregnant body was not doing what it was supposed to be doing. After I had gotten in my own bed, the pain I was having got worse. Brent was exhausted and I told him to go to sleep and I would sleep in the other bed so that I would not wake him. I watch the Opening Ceremony for a second time before I was unable to stand the pain I had in my lower back much longer. I went in our room to wake up Brent and tell him I needed his help. I thought if he could rub my back or just put Bengay on my legs and back, I would feel better. I took two baths before the night was over. Sleep didn't come for most of the night. I may have slept for about 30 minutes here and there, but the pain kept coming and going. Of course now looking back, I can see that I was in the beginning stages of labor. If I had only known, maybe I would have made a different choice to go to the hospital sooner. If I had only known what I know now, maybe I would have called the doctor in the middle of the night and been more persistent and what I was feeling. If I had only known, maybe I would have chosen a different path to follow that night. BUT I didn't know. Sometimes I feel like that on this journey. Maybe if I had only known what I was about to endure this past year, I would have prepared better. I would have spent more time with the Lord, preparing my heart to be ready for what was to come. If I had only known I would have tried to create a different outcome. But I didn't know. Just another lesson that the Lord has taught me this year. I don't know what tomorrow holds. I don't know the future. I don't know His plans for my life. But I do know what it takes to be obedient. I do know what he has called me to do today. I strive more now to know Him more. I realize it doesn't change life; it won't change my circumstances; it won't make me less sad, or even make me less likely to head into the middle of a storm. But what it does do, is allows me to have a more intimate relationship with my Father. It brings me closer to the creator of my life and my story. It gives me peace during the biggest of storms, the toughest of days, as well as the greatest of moments that I experience. This night one year ago, was not only the Opening Ceremony to the Olympics the world would watch, but it became the opening ceremony for the journey we would walk for the rest of our lives. The lesson is, that I know who wins. I look forward to the day when we are able to stand on the podium before our judge and know that the award of eternal life and a life of obedience was worth the journey! Until that day, we will keep running this race, with our eye on the prize. For that makes this journey worth it!!

I Will Rise

2009-08-06T23:19:00.004-04:00

This past Sunday our pastor invited "The Three Guys" to come worship with us during the service. These guys are not famous, and I don't even think they have anything recorded, but are just guys that were obedient to come worship and sing for us. They sang Chris Tomlin's song I Will Rise! It was awesome and just what we needed this very week. Dr. Cox talked about the appointment moment we all will face when the Lord calls us home. The Sunday before we had one of our Sunday School teachers pass away from a heart aneurysm. Dr. Cox asked us what if this was the last Sunday we were at church. Last year on that very Sunday was Carter's "last Sunday" at church. Little did we know that this would be our final week with our precious son.

During the same sermon, our pastor made another statement that reminded me of a simple truth that helped me see this past year in a different light. He said that when someone we love pass away, we don't need to say we lost them. To say that we lost someone means that we don't know where they are. I am confident where Carter is today. He is dancing in the precious of Jesus. He also reminded us that death is not the worse thing that can happen to us, if we know the Lord and have a relationship with Him. I think that has been so much of the comfort that I have felt this week. I have prayed for weeks for the Lord to give me peace this week. And HE HAS!! Like I said so many things are reminding me of last year. Even today, which was the day that I was calling my doctor so overwhelmed with anxiety. One of the doctors told me to go about my day and forget about what was happening. (as if you can do that!) So I went to have lunch with Brent at Subway. Today... one year later, I babysat Cody. For the first time all summer long, we decided TODAY, to bring Brent subs for lunch. Although the restaurant wasn't the same, sitting, and eating subs with Brent brought me back to that day again. Isn't that awesome how the Lord doesn't allow us to forget the precious moments in our lives, even the ones that can be seen as "scary." It was a reminder to me that I won't forget my first born son. God will always give me little snippets to remind me of the events during that week. Not to allow me to be depressed, or discouraged, but to remind me of the gift that I had been given on August 9, 2008. I KNOW, let me say it again, I KNOW, God has, is and will use the life of my son for His glory!

A verse that meant so much to us during our pregnancy with Carter and even after Carter's homecoming, was: "We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all surpassing power if from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed, perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned, struck down, but not destroyed... Therefore we do not lose heart..." "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 4:7-9, 16; 12:9

No matter what we were going through (the shock of being pregnant, or the fear of how we would support another life. The overwhelming grief of seeing your child pass from this life into the arms of Jesus.) No matter what, we know that God's grace is sufficient. I posted the lyrics to Chris Tomlin's song. I will try to figure out how to post the video soon (for some reason I can't figure it out today.) The words really ministered to me. It reminded me that one day, all will be made right in this world. When Jesus comes again, we will be whole. We will celebrate and worship. We will spend eternity without death or suffering. For now, we must realize that this is not our world. The suffering we have is not because of God, but because of the sin of this world. Why does the Lord allow the death of my baby and yet allow the birth of a child addicted to cocaine? Why does the Lord allow the death of my baby and yet allow the birth of a child to a 14 year old teenager? Why does the Lord allow the death of my baby and yet allow the birth of a child to a family who shakes their child or abuses them? Why? Because of sin! The Lord allows yes, but does not make it happen. I truly believe if God could teach me all that I need to learn this year any other way than allowing Carter to die, he would. But this is the journey he has for us. This is our story. God's not done writing our story. Until I take my final breathe on this side of eternity, my story will still be written. I just pray that God uses me and my story for his glory. The Lord is allowing me to share my story with more women who have walked this journey or are just entering into this journey. I pray that I will never pass up a time to share all that the Lord has done in my life, using the life of a son, a baby. My baby.... Carter!

"I Will Rise"

There's a peace I've come to know

Though my heart and flesh may fail

There's an anchor for my soul

I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome

And the grave is overwhelmed

The victory is won

He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:] And I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God fall on my knees

And rise I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near

When this darkness breaks to light

And the shadows disappear

And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome

And the grave is overwhelmed

The victory is won

He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:] And I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God fall on my knees

And rise I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,

"Worthy is the Lamb"

And I hear the cry of every longing heart,

"Worthy is the Lamb" [x2]

[Chorus:] And I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God fall on my knees

And rise I will rise

The Beginning...

2009-08-05T23:36:00.007-04:00

I was in a leadership meeting at church tonight, standing in line to get dinner, when it hit me... I have been here before. I had been in that line before, around the same people, standing in the same line. I realized that it was exactly a year ago tonight, that we began the "storm" that we have been in during this past year. One year ago tonight, we had the exact same leadership meeting, with the same exact food (catered by Outback Steakhouse) and I had stood in the same line, headed out the same door, and was surrounded by some of the same people. The difference... last year I was pregnant with my first child Carter and tonight I don't have Carter. Last year I was talking to girls all around me about the different test that we had been through all ready as pregnant first time moms. (there were several other girls at that same time who were having first babies.) Tonight, I was surrounded by people sharing how we had been on their heart this week and knew Sunday will be Carter's first birthday in heaven. It is hard to believe that it has been a year already.

One year ago I went to bed feeling fine (except feeling pregnant and lots of kicking from my unborn son.) I was woken at 4:30 in the morning by the beginning of my water breaking. Except that was not possible, because water can't break during your 22nd week of pregnancy. (at least that is what I told myself). It was the beginning of many phone calls to friends, family and doctors offices trying to figure out what I needed to do next. There seemed to be so many questions and only a lot of guesses at what the problem could have been. As the day progressed the pain that had suddenly began started to get worse and then would go away. I was in a stage of confusion and more panic that I had been up until that day. I felt that something was wrong but wanted so desperately for things to be fine, that I had a hard time believing something was not right. I didn't know what the future held that day or night. How quickly things changed from me having a great time talking to new friends about this most wonderful experience that we were about to have.

Tonight the friends I have are different. They are friends not afraid to talk to me, they are friends that are not afraid of what I may say or do during a sad moment. They are just Jesus to me! My church family and many friends I see daily have become family to me. Not because my own family isn't my family, but because my church family and other Christian brothers and sisters have really radiated Jesus to me.

I have so much that I can look back on a see the Lord's blessings and His hand in our journey. Just tonight was one of the many many things that have occurred. The friendships I have developed over the past year have been life saving, and so precious to me. It's hard for me to think about this terrible day without also thinking about all the good that began that day. God was just on the verge of doing something wonderful and great in over lives. I wouldn't have understood what that was on that day. But soon I would find out. Not even that I understand that completely today, one year later, but one day I will be able to see the ALL of the gifts and blessings the Lord had in store for our lives.

Sunday will be Carter's first heavenly birthday. I have to say I am excited about it. I am of course sad and so wish that we could have him be a part of this party. But... I am excited to have a little celebration. (I realize that I may feel different as the week progress's, but I have asked the Lord to give me a peace that can only be of Him this week, so that I can walk through this week as a reflection of His goodness, grace and mercy! He does provide!) I am excited to celebrate Carter's little life and the difference it made in me. That makes it worth it. Holding Carter for 1 hr 21 min alive and then 24 hours after he had passed... made it worth it. Thank you Jesus for the storms of our lives and the treasures that you teach us through each storm.

It's come to this??

2009-07-14T09:28:00.004-04:00

There is a little morning show I like to watch sometimes during the week while I get ready for my day. I am usually a Today show girl, but on occasion can be known to watch another little show. Apparently today someone won a big trip on this show and got to come on stage and celebrate with the host. But what BLEW me away, was the question the host asked about this winner. She asked if she had children. The lady said she had one daughter, by the Grace of the Lord. (good answer). THEN the host said... "Are you still married?" REALLY????? Has it come to this? The question we ask people is no longer, are you married, but are you STILL married?? It gave me a sick feeling in my stomach. We just talked about this subject in my ladies bible study group last night. When I was a child, divorce was just getting more "normal." But it wasn't uncommon to have more friends with married friends, than divorced friends. Now, it has come to us asking this question, are you STILL married. The idea that marriages are so disposable these days makes me so sad. As a therapist, of course it is my heart's cry to be a part of the restoration of marriages and not sit back and watch the destruction of such a beautiful picture of Christ loving us. I know divorce happens. I am not saying that I agree with it for any reason, but acknowledge that it occurs. There is ALWAYS restoration for relationships. God is the God of second chances (and even more than that... thank you Lord!) There are so many celebrities that go through marriages like I go through shoes. If you don't like this one, go back and get another one. Why do we not consider getting the help we need? Of course I know the answer to that. Our pastor challenged us to be bolder in our "testimonies" and our faith this Sunday. Lord please please use OUR MARRIAGE to your glory. Protect Brent and myself, as well as the marriages of each person that reads this message today. If there is someone that just is ready to throw it in... find the best Christian therapist you can find in your area and get help. If your in my area, email me and I, we will help you! jenna.spears@northmetro.net

11 months

2009-07-09T10:00:00.008-04:00

I can hardly believe it has been 11 months since we welcomed Carter into this world and then quickly watched him leave to go home to the Lord. What a quick year it has been. Tough -absolutely the toughest of my life. My best friend Jen asked me the other day, would I do it all over again. Without even thinking about it, I said OH YEAH!! Would I give birth to the most perfect looking baby I have ever seen. Oh course!! Would I take 22 1/2 weeks of life over none!! ABSOLUTELY!! Would I spend that 1 hour and 21 minutes with my child all over again. YUP!! And and hard as it is to admit, I would never give up everything the Lord has shown me over this past year. I am a different person. Brent and I are different people. We see the world different. We feel different. We talk different. We act different. We love different. We still have not overcome it all. We still don't have a day go by that we feel the loss of our son, our first born child. We still have days that we wish we could start all over again. But, at the end of the day, we can sit back and say.... God you are good, and you are enough!!!

Brent and I were talking last night how to celebrate Carter's first birthday. Those are some of the moments that I want to scream out loud... WITH CARTER OF COURSE!!! We talked about some special ways for us to spend together and celebrate his birth. As time goes on, I will post pictures and events of that day of course.

I have to honest and say this past year has not gone as I would have planned it out. Of course I wanted to have Carter first and foremost. But after we lost him, I was sure I would be celebrating his birthday holding another child. Or at least carrying another child. The loss of one child is tough, but to lose a second soon after the first, is so frustrating. But I am seeing more and more that no matter what I do, or how I plan, or how I manipulate (that is big for me to admit)... the Lord is in control and I can do nothing to take over control. I continue to pray for my desires and seek Him more and more each day. (Psalms 37:4). I feel so strongly that one day we will have more children. Until that day... and on that day... and after that day.... I must trust the Lord for He is good!!

Not Again

2009-06-23T22:32:00.003-04:00

I had just walked in the door from work and my husband had that look on his face. He looked sick to his stomach almost, as if something terrible had just happened. I was right. Something terrible had just happened. It had happened again. Very close friends of ours found out that their baby passed away in their mom's womb today. She is 25 weeks pregnant and without any warning, his little heart beat stopped and their son is now with the Lord. The father is like a younger brother to me. When I was in college, I lived with this family for a few years. Earlier this Spring when Brent and I had found out we were expecting our second baby, our friends found out they were expecting their first. And now they are left with questions, pain, fear, hurt, sadness, sorrow, anger, frustration, and a whole mess of confusion on what could have happened. She will go in early in the am to be induced and deliver their first child. I can hear the doctors telling me Carter was going to die all over again. It's as if I am back in that moment. Why does this keep happening? That was the first thing that popped into my head. Lord, I am sick of this sinful world. The pain is getting worse the older we get. I just spend an hour working with a client about the unfairness of life. He was struggling understanding why life is so unjust, and I came home to more injustice. Just last week, a 14 year old boy, who used to attend our church, accidentally hung himself in his own backyard! We have a plan for our kids lives and having a funeral for them is never part of that plan.

I have been struggling this past month with the frustration of not getting pregnant as fast as "I" had planned on. I had a grand, well thought out plan, that I would surprise my sweet husband on father's day with the big news that we were expecting again. Except that never happened. I became obsessed with test taking. I was determined that I must be pregnant because I was feeling pregnant. Just a reminder that I have to stop relying on my feelings and only stand on truth. It's not about my timing. It's not about my plans. It's not about my feelings. It's not about my wants. It's what the Lord has planned for me! He cares about my timing, plans, feelings, wants. He knows them too! (just in case I do remind him at least two or three times a day! He he. Of course, He reminds me right back that He's got it!!!)

I will never understand this world. I don't want to understand this world. I so desire to see what God wants me to do next! He has placed such a burden in my heart and the desire is growing stronger the more hurt, sadness and death I see. My blog friend Keri said in a recent blog that she struggles understanding loss of first children like Brent and I went through. I have that same struggle. Especially today and I talked to my sweet friend and tried to listen to her fears and pain of what tomorrow will hold. PLEASE join in prayer for my friends. (I am not sharing their names as I am not sure they have shared their tragedy with many people yet and I don't want to share something that they need to be able to tell people.)

WOW

2009-06-11T21:52:00.002-04:00

I don't even know what to say in this blog because I am so excited. Brent and I have become very close to the Covell family, Lisa and Cody. Cody is 6 and going into the 2nd grade. Although most days he acts more like 12 (as he likes to tell us). Lisa is a very young widow who works very hard at raising a little boy to be like Christ. You can't help but fall in love with this little ball of energy. At the beginning of summer, I offered to watch Cody two days a week while Lisa works. Cody and I have had a good time going on little adventures so far. We tend to eat lunch with Brent a lot and go to movies, swimming and lots of shopping! (just what he loves... he he) This week of course was VBS. We offered to pick up Cody each day and take him, since he just lives down the road from us.

On Wednesday during VBS the gospel was presented to all of the children. Cody's next door neighbor picked him up and brought him on that day, so we didn't get to see him. But this morning when I brought him to his class, his teacher (Heather Harbin, for those who know how awesome she is) met me in the hall and said "Well?" I gave her a puzzled look and said "Well what." She said Cody had talked to her in the hallway on Wednesday and said he wanted to pray to receive Christ, but wanted to wait and pray with his mom. Well Cody went home and never mentioned it. So.. I dropped off Cody and called Brent (who was upstairs getting ready for his skit). Brent was so thrilled and was looking forward to seeing Cody. We decided that Bren and Cody needed a "man's lunch date." So after VBS, Brent took Cody to lunch (a favorite spot of theirs) for lunch. When they came home, they sat at our kitchen table where Brent presented the gospel to Cody. Cody can be a silly, high energy child. But, during those few minutes that Brent was talking to him, Cody was focused and interested hanging on the words that Brent was sharing. Of course I was in the other room on my computer weeping! It was awesome. As Brent prepared to go to work, Cody came into talk to me. I asked if about what he was talking to Brent about. After a brief talk, Cody said that when he is a Christian, he will get to go to heaven. He said that means that one day he will get to see my baby boy Carter and his daddy, who both live in heaven right now! I just swept him into my lap and kissed all over him! There was nothing else I could do! (when I told his mom, she just balled!)

Brent had to go on to work and we decided that we would wait for Cody's mom before we actually prayed the prayer to receive Christ. Every parent deserves that chance to be with their children when they make the most important decision in their life. When Lisa came around 6 tonight, we all sat in our living room and Brent shared about all that had taken place today. Then Brent asked Cody some more questions and with confidence Cody said that he wants Jesus to live in his heart and that he wants to be forgiven of his sins and that he knows the only way to be forgiven is to believe in Jesus! So we all four held hands as Brent led us in a time of prayer. Lisa and I wept! Cody had so much energy and was non stop talking afterwards. It was different than we had seen before with him, like he felt his life was different today. He is becoming a different kid. He is a different kid, for now He is a Child of God!! WHEW!!! ISN'T GOD SOOOOOO GOOD!!! Pray for our little friend and his mom as they begin this journey. Pray for us as we continue to poor love and truth into his life, as well as the many other families that love on this family from our church!

Sweet Crocs

2009-06-10T21:44:00.006-04:00

Special Needs kids (they are awesome) - Brent's class
5th grade B - Jenna's class

Our first garden

First green beans in our garden!! Check us out.

Can't believe it is day 3 already. What a day. Thank you to those who have been praying. We had one salvation in my group of 16 kids today. SWEET. I was in charge of sharing the gospel during out bible study time. I felt like I did not prepare as well as I could have because of some much going on, but God just started speaking for me. I felt so good after we were done. Not about me, but just the clear message God gave me. Then to see a salvation... now that is fruit from obedience. LOVE IT. I am posting the two videos of Brent today and a few pictures.

By the way.. I am putting in one little shot of our garden as well. We have beans now!!! We are so proud of ourselves.

ONYA

2009-06-09T20:02:00.004-04:00

Each day at VBS gets better. Today the skit was so much fun. I put a small clip of the funniest part at the bottom. I would have to say my favorite part of the day was talking to my 5th graders about what it means to really worship. Some of them were getting it. It is so sweet to see some of the middle school kids grasp what it means to have a prayer life, time of devotion and study of God's Word. I really am looking forward to tomorrow, because Wednesday is when the gospel is presenting and time is allowed for kids to make a decision for Christ. If you think about it, pray for the kids at North Metro tomorrow between 9:30-10:30! (actually pray for our kids all week long!) The only reason we do this is for the kingdom!!

VBS Boomerang Express 2009 - day 1

2009-06-08T23:23:00.010-04:00

Here is just a small clip of the worship introduction of VBS 2009! Although we are some weary people, the day was wonderful and we are looking forward to tomorrow. (by the way... this is Brent speaking Australian during the worship time. He is also helping in the special needs department. Jenna is helping to teach a 5th grade class). As part of a wonderful praise, I (Jenna) met a new friend at the library the other day and asked her to bring her girls to VBS. They showed up today and I was so thrilled that I had asked them to come. Doesn't it feel so good to be obedient? Why can't I do that all of the time?

Summer is here

2009-06-04T12:26:00.007-04:00

I have been terrible about keeping up with the blog lately. I guess sometimes I still revert back to my old way of thinking that since we don't have kids there isn't a lot to talk about. BUT... then I realize that there is so much going on and God is doing so much in our lives that I really do have tons to share.

I had an incredible month of May. I spent a weekend with 12 friends in Charleston SC at a Women of Joy conference. The conference was awesome (although I did not make it through the Casting Crown concert without balling). I think my favorite part of the weekend was just hanging with friends and getting to know my sisters better. Isn't just good to hang with girls sometimes?? I love it. Over memorial day weekend Brent and I traveled to NC to a wedding and then on to Maryland to celebrate my dad's retirement. Although bittersweet (he was not ready to retire) the Lord knows best and has a plan for his life and this was the time for Dad to stop working for IBM. Not many people can say they work almost 40 years at a company these days! What a great accomplishment! GO DAD!!

We came back home and have been running since. Brent and I have dreamed of counseling together since we got married 7 years ago. We have finally gotten the chance to start doing couples counseling together this Spring. We love it!

Brent and I both continue to pray and look forward to each month to find out if God has blessed us with another pregnancy. We have tried to plan our summer and year around the hope that we will be pregnant and need to stay close to home. Only God knows that plan and we are enjoying taking life one day at a time. (some days that is easier than others.) It has been hard not to compare our life now and last year at this time. We are not looking forward to Aug. 9th coming, but I know the day will come and will go and God will walk us through it all. In the meantime, we both feel strongly that God has asked us both to do some "special projects" and we ask that as the details are shown to us that you our blog friends pray for us. As details of what is come unfold, we will be sure to share!

Never know

2009-05-13T11:34:00.004-04:00

My day to go see Carter is usually Tuesday. I don't get there all of the time, but if I am going to go, that would be the day. I have to drive past that area on Tuesday's on my way to work, so if I have time, I stop. Yesterday, I almost didn't stop. I was so tired and had a long long day. I needed to cook dinner, finish a bunch of stuff for work and wanted to get to bed EARLY. But... I stopped anyway. When I got there, I noticed a gentleman sitting on the other side of the "bible statue" that is on Carter's left side. I thought about not stopping again. Just felt strange to run into someone out there. It has never happened to us before. After getting out of the car, I went and played with the flowers on Carter's grave. I felt stupid all of a sudden for being there. The gentleman came over and said to me, "Are you visiting?" I said I was. He said he was there to see and sing to his twins. I knew him right away. Brent and I had visited that grave many times wondering what it would be like to be that family. He began to share his story and I began to share ours. Turns out that he and his wife lost their twins around 5 months as well. Her cervix was not able to stay closed in order to keep the babies inside. They deposited a little boy and a little girl into heaven. Micheal, who is the dad, shared with me about how that is the best place for his children... living with Jesus. Can you imagine what their life must be like??, he asked me! I told him... Pure worship. Turns out he and his wife Angel go to the "other big baptist church" in our area. We actually play sports against their teams a lot. It was a special meeting for sure. Micheal said his wife is not able to come see the twins. (They died in June of 2007) because it was too hard. But, he was going to ask her to meet me sometime on a Tuesday so that we could talk! Never know who God will bring into your life on any certain day. We never know.

Mother's Day without Carter

2009-05-12T13:11:00.002-04:00

So I almost felt like it wasn’t Mother’s day for me. Although, of course it was special to be able to honor both Brent’s mom and my mom. To be able to reflect on all they have done for us made it a special day. Lately I have been concerned that the tears don’t flow as often and as much for me anymore. But my concern was taken away this morning during the service. I cried from the beginning to the end. It was a lot harder than I expected. But… as always, my sweet husband made my day incredible. I had been in need of a new computer, so he took me to buy a new computer and printer yesterday. Then this morning, he had flowers and a card on the table waiting for me. The most special thing was a beautiful bracelet with Carter’s name and birthstone on it. It was all I could to not look at it during church this morning. Then he took me to lunch at my favorite lunch spot! It was an awesome, yet very emotional day. Praying that next year we will have more to celebrate. I trust that the Lord will bless us this year with that news!!!

Even after the flowers, computer, printer, dinner, and lunch... This is my favorite and most treasured gift I got for Mother's Day. I look forward to adding others names to this representing other babies.

Grow Grow Grow

2009-05-09T09:46:00.003-04:00

I would not consider Brent or myself to have a green thumb. In fact most plants that we plant die or just don't do what the packet promises. But the Lord has had favor on us and given us a new hope! Here are the pictures from our garden just two weeks into our project. By the way.. we do have a seedling for all of our plants, but a few of them are harder to see on a camera so I just posted the largest ones.

Cucumbers

Lettuce

Carrots

Green Beans

More Please

2009-05-05T21:51:00.003-04:00

If you have followed our blog at all you would have realized by now that we LOVE our dog! Wrigley does so many funny things that keep up in stitches. She gets her own ice from our ice maker. She sits by our crib and will cry because she wants to "sniff and nose" the bear that is in the crib. She loves to sit on Brent's lap no matter where he is. She loves to come and give you a big hug (paws around your neck or waist and will just squeeze!) Just to name a few. One of the things she started about a year ago was letting us know when she would like some more food. No matter where we are in the house (upstairs, downstairs, kitchen...) she will bring us her bowl and just stare at us and the bowl. She never barks just brings us her bowl. I saw her finishing her food today and ran upstairs to get the camera hoping she would bring me her bowl and I could get it on camera. I did! She is such a joy in our lives and we are so blessed (even she is a monster) that we have our little puppy (well maybe the little part isn't so true anymore!!)

As an update.... the garden is going awesome. I will post some pictures. We already have lots of seedlings that have grown in one week!!! So far so good.

Garden 2009 (The year we hope to harvest lots of New Life!!!)

2009-04-25T22:09:00.005-04:00

Our Garden!

Brent and I have wanted to plant a garden since we got married 7 years ago. Each year we get a little closer to planting this garden (two years ago we planted a little lettuce on the side of our yard and last year we did a container garden. The trouble has always been that we never do it right). This year we did it up big and did it right.

We decided that we would involve our very favorite GA 6 year old, (I say GA because our favorite TX 6 year old is Elias Jordan!!!) in the process. Oh what fun he had. In fact, he is spending the night (with Wrigley according to him) and snoring right now because he played so hard tonight! We prayed over the garden before we went out to dinner. Cody was so sweet asking God to bless our garden! He is such a blessing to us. God has really given us a gift by bringing this sweet boy into our life. More garden 2009 to come. Of course as you see in the title, our hope is that this year we will harvest (or at least by the beginning of next year) lots of new life! Nothing yet, but we are looking forward and hoping for what is to come!

Cody and Wrigley sleeping together.

Cody and Brent reading how to plant the seeds

Thanks to Jen Jordan, Brent just followed exactly what she did for her garden! It turned out awesome.

Our Spring Break

2009-04-07T13:51:00.005-04:00

Spring Break to those of us who do not have kids school aged does not mean a whole lot at all. But this week, it has felt a lot like "spring break." Brent has this Friday off for Good Friday and we are looking forward to doing something as a "family" that is fun. This past week has been crazy. Last Saturday, we had a baseball game at church. It was so hot that I fried!! It was our big shopping day for the month (which I must bag on myself... I saved a total of 150.00 this month so far on food. We shop for the month and normally I have almost spent my budget at the beginning of the month. Thank you Lord for coupons. I bought frozen steamfresh veggies for $.19, buy on get one free dressings, Buy one get one free Ragu sauce for $.50 a piece and so on!) All that to say, I wasn't thinking about how long I would be sitting in the sun. Now I have the "mother/wife" sunburn "V" on my neck. There were several other "mom's/wives" on Sunday with the same thing.

The highlight of our weekend was Saturday night for sure. Brent and I had invited our little friend Cody to come stay the night with us. He normally gets homesick after a little while staying with us, so we didn't know what to expect. It was a blast. We watched Brent's baseball game, which Cody's friends were on the team, we went shopping, grilled hamburgers and saw the movie at the theatre "Bolt." We had so much fun. I took a picture of Cody, Brent and Wrigley at bedtime reading a bedtime story. There is also a picture of Wrigley sleeping with Cody. I worried that Cody would get up in the middle of the night and want to come in with us, but he didn't! It was so sweet and we all had a great time.

When I saw the picture of the three of them, I couldn't help but be a little teary and feel such a peace at the same time. It was almost a picture of grace and hope for the future. Almost like the Lord was showing me a glimpse of our future! I am not saying that this is certain, although I do believe in my heart that WE WILL have children one day. It just brought me hope and joy to see them. Brent was reading a book and Cody was asking him all kinds of question about Jesus. It was so touching to hear my husband sharing the gospel with this sweet little boy. It was nice that his mom had an evening alone as well. I know she enjoyed the break and time to have alone time that mom's need when they are parenting alone.

Thank you Lord for pictures of your grace and your love in the little things in life.

By the way, as I sit here looking out my window in Atlanta, GA... looking at my very sunburned arms... it is SNOWING!!! We are supposed to be getting back in the 70's on Thursday, but for today, SNOW!!! God and His sense of humor!

Lots of Baggage

2009-04-01T21:11:00.002-04:00

Don't we all walk around with our "stuff." In counseling I call it baggage. I watch and listen as clients come into my office daily/weekly bringing the same suitcase with them week after week. I say I don't get it, but as I leave my office, I walk out with my own suitcase. I get tired of dealing with all of that. I see the world around me and what is happening and feel the anxiety of it all. I mean our little lives this year have been rocked. It was one year ago this week that we found out we were pregnant with precious Carter. Even that day that we found out, I felt fearful, excited, nervous, anxious and completely out of control! Then I see myself in the mirror today. I hear myself talk and notice that I have changed a lot. I went from carrying around a "suitcase" of fear of anything wrong happening in my little world, to being a mother who has lost two children. I never imagined that God would allow this to occur in my life, but it has happened, and I am able to not only stand, but share a testimony of what God has done in my life since then. I would have loved for Him to have taught me these lessons some other way, but I am believing that there was no other way in this fallen world. My dad lost his job last Thursday after being with his company for 39 years and 10 months! Another event in our lives that is a disappointment and "life rocking!" But more and more I am seeing and believing and knowing with God confidence, that God is in control. He is not surprised by our stuff! He desires for us to live life in victory.

We had Ergun Caner come speak to our church this weekend. He is an ex-Muslim, now the Liberty Seminary President. He made a quote this week that was so profound to hear again (of course something I know, but don't live by often). He said "Men of God (God's children who have given their lives to Christ) are lives are untouchable, until the will of God is complete." Meaning we will not be killed (we may be taken through trials, but not lose our lives) until God's will for our lives is complete. What a comfort that is to remember that.

No matter what is happening, God is still on His throne. Brent and I have been praying and asking the Lord to open doors for us to minister using our testimony of losing Carter as well as this baby. We both feel strongly that God wants us to to help others go through times of loss. Not just loss of children like we have gone through, but job loss, divorce, changes in life and any other situation that may be occurring.

"Consider it pure joy my brother whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2-3 and then vs 12 says "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who live them." Isn't that good! My trials are not in vain! I don't want to miss out on this crown of life! So as we run this race, asking questions on the way, trying to figure out these lessons we are learning, we will persevere. Isn't He GOOD!! I know my Redeemer lives and that it is He in me that allows me to face my tomorrows!

While I am waiting...

2009-03-25T15:32:00.006-04:00

I HATE WAITING!!! But, that is one of the new lessons that God is teaching me in my life. Actually, it's not a new lesson, it's just one of the things that I just can't seem to get a hold of in my life. I want things like yesterday. I have always been like this. But I know God has so much more for me. So much comes when we wait for things in life. I learn so much during that waiting time. We of course are in a waiting period again now as we wait to be able to try to have another baby. It's during this time that I become restless. God what should I do now? Some days I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I don't fit in with the younger friends without kids, because we are almost 10 years younger than they are and in a different place in life. Since we do not have kids (here on earth) it's hard to fit in with those our age who are doing things with their kids. Let me make this clear, this has nothing to do with others, it has to do with my own perception of life. I have some awseome friends who are with kids and without! I love spending time with them all. This is more about me and where I am some days. There are days I love spending time hearing others kids laugh and play. There are some days when I will be talking to a friend and the sound of their children's voices hurt my heart so much I want to snap. So what do I do as I wait??

I remember back last fall for my birthday, Brent took me to see the movie Fireproof. What an amazing movie that was. I loved it. There was this song about waiting that I loved. After I left the movie, the song was out of mind out of sight. But today, the Lord brought it back to me. I was getting my hair done and I heard the song at the hair salon (it is owned by a christian couple.. cool huh!) Anyway, it's by John Waller called "I am Waiting." I posted the song and the lyrics. Isn't it so neat how our God speaks to us at the perfect moment. During my waiting... I will serve!! I will still Love you Lord, Serve you Lord out of obedience!! Just to speak the name Jesus is so sweet and helps calm my nerves and makes the all that I am waiting for worth it!

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting

I will serve You

While I'm waiting

I will worship

While I'm waiting

I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am peaceful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it's not easy

But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve you while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Another Part of God's plan

2009-03-20T10:03:00.002-04:00

I never imagined this would take place when I first began this blog!! I began my blog at the "suggestion" of my friend Jen. I thought it would be fun to keep up with friends and share some pictures and other fun stuff happening in our little world. Of course I didn't except the Lord would take us on such a journey this past year and that our blog would become a life line for us some days. In the middle of this journey I have been amazed at the outpouring of support and love that we have gotten from so many people. I don't know why I have been amazed because isn't that what God's children do... love on each other with the Love of Jesus? What has blown me away is all of my new precious Blog friends who I have come to adore and love very much!! Isn't that just like the Lord to bring new friends together walking through a similar journey at the same time and living all over the country and yet our lives are woven together the common thread of our love for our Savior. The encouragement of these ladies to me has been amazing. The out pouring of their hearts have been an encouragement to me and many days has been the calming assurance that I need to know I am not alone in this journey and that there are others that "get me."

I believe God has a plan for all of our lives for sure. This is just part of His plan for us today. I don't' want to take granted the special new friends God has given me. Please join me in praying for my friends Kerry, Casey, Nancy, Jody, and Hilary. I know there are many other names of new friends as well, but here are just a few to add as you continue to pray for our family, pray for them too! I get excited to watch and see how small pieces of God's plan unfold before our eyes and bring ladies from different walks of life, different areas of the country and yet we can be so connected because of our relationship with the Lord what He is doing in our life today!

Jesus we are so thankful for friends to dance with

For your continuing guidance and special

Touches in our lives that make

It easier to walk through today!

You are so good - Even in the Storms

We Praise you, and dance to the music

You give us in our daily lives!!

Good, Just Good

2009-03-06T23:09:00.003-05:00

I have been meaning to update this since last week, but just couldn't find the right words to share. First, God really blessed us so much by allowing me on Tuesday evening to have a miscarriage at home. Although... I must confess that, giving birth to Carter and miscarrying this baby both HURT about the same amount!! (maybe a small exaggeration but not to far off). I never thought about getting an epidural before, but Tuesday night I was looking for the epidural man to come and give me some help!! (I was not able to find such a person in my house, so motrin, heat and lot's of prayer had to do!!) Although it was a great relief and Brent and I are both glad to be done with that part of this journey, I find myself nervous about getting pregnant again. There is nothing I want more than to be pregnant and have a sweet baby that looks just like my sweet husband and a little like me! But, this emotional pain that we are having to go through as well as just the fear of this happening again and again and again.... makes me question this whole process. Then I am reminded of how Good the Lord really is and that if we are supposed to have a sweet baby God will provide that. I have been reading and memorizing the verse from Psalms 37:4. If we delight in the Lord, He WILL give us the desires of our heart. This is our hearts desire and we feel called to have children. We are not ready to give up yet (although I am feeling like an elephant. Did you know they are pregnant for 23 months before they have their babies!!!) Although total I have only been pregnant for 8 months (almost 6 months the first time and 10 weeks this time) it still sort of feels like a year. In 2008 we found out that we were pregnant the first week of April. As we end this pregnancy in the first week of March our doctor says that we could be pregnant as soon as 4 to 6 weeks from now!! So we will be right back to the same dates that we were pregnant last year.

I say all of this to say: When I look and think about this situation with my human ears and my fleshly understanding of life, I think... This isn't fair. There are so many teenage girls who get pregnant that are not married, do drugs and could care less about having a child. Or how many times have I had to counsel a women who have had an abortion (I meet a lady once who had 5 abortions by the time she was a freshman in college!! Can you imagine.) BUT... I am reminded again about what fairness is in the eyes of the Lord. It isn't fair that God allows me to serve Him. It isn't fair that God would allow me to enter into His holy presence and live with Him for eternity! That is not fair. All of the challenges in life that we are experiencing, really are just more chance for us to praise the Lord in all times!

It brings me back to the blog that I talked about last month. When we enter into the storms in our lives, that is when we need to ask the Lord to teach us how to Dance in the Rain. I thought I knew how to dance. In fact I felt sure that I was dancing! But here I am, grabbing my dancing shoes again and getting my groove on ... again as I wait my turn. I am waiting for God to call me my name when it is SHOW TIME. It is amazing that God is always on time. Even when we don't realize what a bible study is all about, or a quote that someone shares with us or even a sermon that we may walk away from thinking how does that apply to me? It is usually a few days later that we look back and say, I got it! This is what that was for. The Angela Thomas Bible Study I took was just that for me. I thought my time of waiting was over (since I knew I was pregnant during that study), but here I am waiting again. I am determined this time to dance during this storm instead of jumping into the hole of darkness that seemed to surround me last fall. My turn WILL COME!! I AM SURE OF THAT!!! So I say it again.... LET'S DANCE!!

Our joy through Tears - Brought more tears

2009-02-23T21:38:00.001-05:00

I was so excited to tell my blog friends that WE ARE PREGNANT!!! (I have been wanting to blog this for 5 weeks now!)

BUT... we found out today at our first dr appointment that our baby stopped growing at 6 weeks (we are 8 weeks now). At our ultrasound today, our doctor shared that there was no longer a heart beat and our baby had passed. I had never gotten a real peace about this baby. I begged the Lord to allow everything to be okay. I really wanted to believe that it would be okay, but as soon as the Ultrasound begun today, I knew something was wrong. They believe Baby Spears passed last week. As of right now, I still have no signs of miscarrying. With the help of our doctor, we have chosen to allow a natural miscarriage to occur. Although, if we do not miscarry in 2 1/2 weeks, I will have a D&C. (I really don't want that) I wanted to show you the message that I had prepared and the story behind this sweet baby, even though this is not what we expected to be sharing today.

On August 17, 2008 I posted a blog called Joy through Tears. Our pastor told us at Carter's funeral to look for a joy for the tears we have shed since we lost our little boy Carter. Brent and I thought it was such a sweet gift that Carter lived for 1 hr and 21 minutes because Brent was born on 1-21! Well, again that day has become significant in our family again. On Brent's bday (1-21) this year... we found out that we are PREGNANT!!!! We are due October 3rd.

Now we need you to keep praying for us!

* Pray first and foremost for a quick and safe miscarriage.

* Pray for our anxiety (especially Jenna) I am having to battle fear of so much right now as well as a lot of hurt.

* Our doctor has said that we have a lot to be thankful for. There is nothing indicating that I can not have another baby and we can try again as soon as 6 weeks from now.

* Pray for us as we continue to grieve the loss of Carter and now the loss of our second baby

* Pray as we continue to seek out peace. Once again, we cannot trace God's hand, but we trust His heart.

* Pray that this is the last deposit that we make in heaven as far as the Spears children.

Brent and I both so desperately desire to be Godly parents. We want so much to have children of our own. In fact we both feel called to be parents. Right now, we are hurt, confused, mad and sad that we are having to walk this journey again. This is so different than the loss we experienced with Carter. But at the same time the pain is so similar and disappointment is so familiar to us. Some times it is so hard to really walk out the faith we have in Lord. At the same time, I know that He loves us so much and wants to bless us. We will, no matter what trust Him, even when it hurts!!

Stinkin Computer

2009-02-20T08:55:00.002-05:00

I have held out long enough, but my stinkin computer could not keep up!! A little computer history for me is that I got my first laptop while I was in seminary. I was great at the time. I was blessed enough to get the extra warranty in case anything happened. Well it happened three times. Best Buy says after three visits to the service department, you got yourself a lemon. When you get a lemon, Best Buy makes a little lemonade and will give you a new computer. So I walked out with a new computer three years ago. Since then, my new computer drinks its own battery, it often shuts itself off, (when i am in the middle of something important) and finally the latest the powercord finally quit. My good friends husband fixed the cord for me once, but the stinkin computer won again. So, now I am stuck using my hubbies computer until the cord comes in. My new battery has already arrived (half charged), but of course the computer cord will not be here until Monday!! Goodness! So maybe by Monday I will be online with my own stuff again!

We are about to embark on once again a busy time in our lives. Baseball is starting tomorrow. Basketball is not finished yet (of course these are the two teams that Brent is coaching). This weekend we are so excited to have two different families to join us for dinner on Saturday and lunch on Sunday. It's just neat to be able to get together with good friends. Then we will begin another BIG week with lots and lots going on! I look forward to sharing more with my blog friends on our events of next week! God is doing so much with Brent and I both in so many areas of our lives! (if I only had my own stinkin computer working right!)

Valentine Day

2009-02-13T11:00:00.002-05:00

My husband sent me this message today. It was taken from today's Our Daily Bread. I thought it was so appropriate! Happy Valentine Day!

Like many people, I enjoy the Google homepage artwork that appears on special days and holidays. Last Valentine’s Day, the artistic logo showed an older couple—a man with a cane and a white-haired woman—walking hand in hand as the woman held two heart-shaped balloons. It was a beautiful reminder that while our culture glorifies youthful romance, true love has many stages during our journey through life.

Paul’s great essay in 1 Corinthians 13 celebrates the depth and tenacity of the love that carries us beyond self-interest and mere affection. “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails” (vv.4-8).

Brian Wren has captured this reality in his moving hymn, “When Love Is Found”:

When love is tried as loved ones change,
Hold still to hope though all seems strange,
Till ease returns, and love grows wise
Through listening ears and opened eyes.
© Hope Publishing Co.

When our commitments are tested in the fires of life, no matter what difficulties we face, may God grant us a greater experience of His enduring love and the grace to demonstrate it each day. — David C. McCasland

God’s love is a fabric that never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the waters of adversity.

What would you do?

2009-02-10T11:08:00.010-05:00

Brent and I had this "discussion" last night about a situation that happened to me yesterday. So, in order to help us out, we would like all of you (blog stalkers and blog followers alike) to give us a hand by responding to tell us what you would do!

I went to the Verizon Store to have a new phone activated. The nice lady (yet slightly intimidating) was helping me remove the back off of the phone. She had to go into the back room in order to get additional assistance. When she returned (15 minutes later...) she returned to her seat behind the counter. I couldn't help to notice the change that had occurred while she was gone. When she returned her black dress pants now had a very LARGE tear in the frontal area!!! I can share with you that she was wearing orange undergarments, if you get my drift! I didn't know what to do. I thought about the options: of writing her a note, telling her outright, praying that a co-worker would have more guts than I did or ignorning the situation. What made it more challenging, was there were several men standing behind her that appeared to be from "corporate" and watching her, etc. I said nothing to her.

Brent believes that it was my human duty to tell her about her dilemma!!Brent said that he was in that position while working at a bank during seminary. A customer had his "fly open" and Brent took the writing a note approach and received a very welcoming response from the gentleman...something about "man code".

For the record, this situation happened to me TWICE, where I was the victim. I had a skirt that torn down the back once in a resturant, where no one told me what happened. I returned the skirt, since it was brand new, and less than a year after the first event, it happened again after leaving Sunday School one Sunday. Again, no one shared with me what had happened. I would have liked to think that maybe no one noticed!!! (My husband did tell me both times once we got in the car to go home.)

SO, WHAT WOULD YOU DO??? Leave us your comments.

Dancing in the Rain

2009-02-09T10:52:00.004-05:00

Really, am I still learning the same lessons again again and again?? I found myself this weekend full of anxiety and the struggle to breathe another breath again. I get so overwhelmed some days full of grief, worry, stress and hurts, that I can hardly breathe. (not great for a therapist to go through this is it?) So, Brent and I thought we would take the "day off." It was wonderful. We went on a LONG drive to North GA, we of course took Wrigs with us, and just spent time looking at the trees, feeling the cool air (it was in the 60's this weekend) and looking at the awesome mountain view. After such a relaxing day, I had big hopes of sleeping without any problems on Saturday night. But as I crawled into bed, the overwhelming stress feeling was coming back strong. So I did the only thing left (which should had been the first thing I tried) I wrote scripture after scripture in my journey about worry and anxiety. IT WORKED!! That is as long as I was asleep. When I woke up Sunday, the anxious nervous depression was back again. I went to church and as our pastor was preaching I was looking back in my journal (the one I keep of our sermons at church) to see what God has taught me this year. (not that his sermon wasn't awsome, but I knew that I needed to look back in order to move forward. There is was! The statement that helped me move forward just a few months ago. Dr. Cox had preached that Sunday about the storms of life (boy can we relate). He made this great quote saying, "When God allows Storms in our life, Ask him to teach you to dance in the rain." It's funny to me that the bible Study I am doing is all about dancing and now here the quote that helped me again was about dancing. I don't think that my anxiousness will just pass without me knowing it, but I think if I can change my focus, that will help me see the difference. In fact as life changes, when/if we have another baby, when have to move to a new house (one day we hope), or when we buy another car or just when life happens, the anxious spirit will return. But I feel like if I can get down these dancing steps, I will begin to really move towards that point of lessons learned from the Lord. That is my heart desire. I want to grow into a women of righteous confidence. I was to mature in the Lord and look like some of the ladies that I watch from a far that even when they go through the storms, I watch them dance in God's goodness through it all!! So friends... here I go off to my dancing lessons!!!

The Many Faces of A Football Fan

2009-02-02T10:02:00.005-05:00

I love watching football with my husband. NOT because I love watching football, just laughing at my husband and all of his excitement. This was a crazy football watching year for him. He is a graduate of Texas Tech (GO RED RAIDERS). They went further this year than any year that I can remember, or at least since we have been married, (told you I didn't know football). There were many close games this year that caused my husband to yell at the TV, jump up and down yelling at the TV as if they could hear him, running up and down our stairs after a miraculous play or when Michael Crabtree caught the ball with 2 or 3 seconds left on the clock and made a touchdown to win the game against Texas! I was upstairs on our bed watching TV during that game, when I heard Brent scream and run as fast as he could up our stairs. He missed most of the stairs!!! It was so funny and almost gave me a heart attack. I wish I had the video camera out on that night. Brent has some favorite football teams that he is faithful to cheer for. He loves the Saints and of course Texas Tech. But normally, he is the guy that goes for the underdogs. So of course, last night he was a Cardinal fan. Which caused conflict for sure. My cousin Brian is a big Steelers fan! Last year, as you remeber, the Giants played the Patriots. Brent hates the Patriots. My yankee family are ALL very BIG Patriot fans. When the Giants won, Brent raced around our first floor running as fast as he could. He reminded me of Wrigley when she gets too much energy and races around and around in circles! It was so funny. He made me laugh during the whole game. I thought that I would share with you all what I get to see in my house each week during the fall and winter! Only 6 more months until it starts all over again!

Acting Calm during the Halftime

The Cards coming close to making a great play!

The Cards Tackle Ben Roethlisberger

Cards TOUCHDOWN!!! GO FITZGERALD (Brent has just run down the stairs here!)

Brent talking to his friend Dave trying to explain to each other what needs to happen for the Cards to win

Accepting Defeat!

Wrigley was very into the game!

Sweet Boy

2009-02-01T15:58:00.004-05:00

Brent and I had a Spears family day on Saturday. Since it was the first day of the month, we spent the day shopping, shopping and more shopping. Brent takes me to lunch and helps me do my big Costco run and Walmart shopping trip one Saturday each month! It's great. He brings in the food and I put it away. WIN - WIN!! We then ran over to Home Depot to make some exchanges and get the supplies to nail down, yet another project on our to do list!! YEAH US! We also ran over to see Carter. This was the first time Brent was able to see Carter's marker. We brought Wrigley with us and just enjoyed some special time as a family. The day wasn't sad. Our visit wasn't even sad. We are both still so grieved over Carter's death, but the placement of the marker was yet another reminder of God's great plan in our lives. We pray even through a simple marker, that God will our little sweet boy's life to minister to other families that visit their loved ones at the same cemetery Carter is buried. Brent and I spent a few minutes walking down to see the bench and grave site for a special friend of ours from the first church we attended when we first moved to GA. As we walked around, we were reminded of how many other people have buried their children, fathers, mothers, wives, husbands... in this same cemetery with no hope. I am always amazed at the little toys and special reminders that people leave on their loved ones earthly resting place that seemed important to them. Things like toy cars, pictures of accomplishments they completed while on earth, alcoholic drinks, packs of cigarettes. It blows me away and makes me so sad. It's that moment that makes me want to stop and bow before the Lord and just throw my hands up in praise. God thank you for hope. Thank you for the legacy of my baby that lived just an hour and 21 minutes, but yet changed my life in that time. He reminded me of your goodness, the importance of prayer, and makes me desire to be more like you each day. I look forward to the day I can be in glory and see my sweet boy again! I pray that even in the middle of a place of sadness like the cemetery, God will use us to share His love to others who need to hear hope!! Thank you Lord for yet another reason to Praise you in the Storms!

One Blue Flower for our Sweet Boy

Closure

2009-01-30T11:48:00.003-05:00

I know this sounds strange, but I am so excited that we finally got our marker in and put into the ground. It has been so tough going to visit Carter only to see a patch of grass. I have already been by to see the marker and Brent and I plan to go tomorrow. I will take pictures post them. I feel like finally this nightmare is coming closer to an end. Although, we still have a TON of issues left with medical bills and hospital issues, it will be nice to feel like we have some peace and more to look forward too. We know that the Lord has big things in store for us again. I can finally say, that I do feel like "dancing again." Look the next couple of days for more pictures on Carter.

Post 101 - Bitterness Dancing

2009-01-26T19:12:00.010-05:00

I can't believe I missed the fact that we have posted 100 posts! WOW! So here on post 101, I really don't have a ton to say right now. The last few weeks have been a little tough. Lot's going on. I have been taking this great bible study on Thursday's called "When Wallflower's Dance." It's great. It's all about learning how to "dance again". Learning how to be a women of confidence and all that God wants from me as a women. This week, my bible study has been talking about bitterness. I really didn't know how much bitterness I have held onto and deal with until I began to ask the Lord to reveal it to me. I had asked my girls ( through tears) to pray for my heart. I was getting so discouraged that I was letting jealousy fester in my heart each time I heard someone announce they were having a baby, or when friends would talk about what a great pregnancy they were having, or when sweet perfect babies were being born. Each time, I would desire to feel so good about it, but just wanted to scream and yell how unfair life was! After spending the last two nights really learning and studying about bitterness, I saw how I was killing my heart and dying inside over this. It became more clear to me why I was depressed, crying, sad and just not motivated to do all that I needed to do on a day to day basis. Isn't it so good when the Lord shows us what is eating our hearts. I know I mess up. I know that I don't always love the way I should. I want to grow and learn how to love the way Jesus loves. I tease Brent how he always finds the good in the worse of people. He will defend ANYONE no matter how hurt he feels by that person. He is always the one reminding me that when I feel someone is insensitive or being hurtful or selfish, to look from their point of view/shoes. Hurting-wounded people - hurt people, there is a reason to their behavior. I have to admit, that it has been freeing to be able to let go a lot of the bitterness I have stored up in my own heart. I was sure over the past few weeks that I would never be able to feel whole again. I was beginning to feel like I was back on the day Carter died. I was afraid I would forever have a hard time making rational choices. That was one of the hardest things for both of us after we lost Carter. There were days that we could not think rationally. We found ourselves repeating stories to people again and again. We found ourselves forgetting things that were normally second nature to us both. We soon learned, after attending a conference last fall, that we both were operating "In the Grip." It's that time in life when you are so stressed that you are not acting yourself. I feel like we both are getting back to being ourselves again. Finally, I am starting to DANCE!!!! I am ready to get my groove on. Come dance with me! God has good things in store for our lives.

Compliment (maybe)

2009-01-22T21:26:00.003-05:00

Brent and I have been taking a deep water aerobic class at our local indoor pool. Don't be impressed, we just started last week and this is only our 4th class. In four classes we have had four instructors. Each lady teaches differently and you never do the same exercises twice it seems like. Tonight after class, the instructor asked Brent if he was taking the class because of any injury (what she was implying was that he must be a serious athlete and was taking this class since he was injured and can only do this!) I told him (being funny) she must have missed your little gut so she would have realized that you were doing this to get rid of that! I do have to admit that out of most the people in the class, especially of the men, Brent is one of the much smaller guys! I can see how he could be mistaken for a "serious athlete!" Right now, we both are praying that we just live to see tomorrow after these tough workouts!!!

Happy Happy Birthday!

2009-01-21T23:13:00.004-05:00

Today was Brent's bday. It was a great day. Long day, but good. Both Brent and I have always had birthday traditions that we have created for ourselves on our special days. I always love to go out to eat and see a movie. Some times we don't actually get to have that happen on my actually day, but it is always close. This year Brent and I went to PF Changs for dinner and to a movie last week knowing we had church tonight and would not have the time to go out. So tonight, as traditional we do, I made Brent's favorite meal, Pepper Steak. Not just any pepper steak, his mom's pepper steak. This meal has taken me 7 years at least to work on. When we got married, I was pretty confident in my own cooking. I felt like I was pretty good. Brent felt that he was a pretty great cook too. Of course he was very proficient at making Hamburger Helper! YUCK. I was great at creating new fun meals, but being my northern self, I didn't have a clue about spices. Brent grew up with a mom and dad that were both fantastic cooks and understand the need to spice things up and how to add good flavor. So I had a ton to live up too! (I am still not sure that I even come close to them). When we were dating, I called Lynn, Brent's mom to ask for this pepper steak recipe. To be honest, I had never heard of pepper steak. We didn't have much chinese food growing up either. It is now his bday dinner of choice. I am sure I still have a long way to go on making this meal just like "mom." But, I am guessing, I will never get it as good as she does, and that is okay! There are some things that are just meant to be made perfect by a mom! Thanks Lynn for sharing this dish, and hopefully I did it some justice.

Happy 35th Birthday Brent! Glad it was a special day. I am looking forward to another wonderful year with you.

Inauguration 2009

2009-01-20T23:12:00.002-05:00

I could not let this day go by without stopping and taking note of what occur ed today. Even though Brent and I did not vote for the current president, that does not mean that we will not support him for the role he has been appointed today as of today. Most of all, we will continue to lift him up in prayer. I pray that decisions will not be made for our country based on feelings, emotions, or political party choices, but instead on the moral convictions the Lord places in our lives and requires us to answer to one day when we face Him in eternity. I pray for the first family, those two special girls who will grow up in the spot light of America. I pray that the Lord will send to them special ladies who will take them under their wings and instill in those little girls the security and mentorship that they will need to grow up in the way the Lord has for their lives.

Today was for sure historic, as it is ever 4 years for sure. Now we begin to pray for yet another man who we pray will take on the such a big job with the integrity that is required! (more comments to come soon!)

The Most imporant Entry Ever

2009-01-19T11:21:00.006-05:00

As a child, I loved playing piano. In fact, I was the kid that didn't have to be reminded to practice, I had to be asked to stop practicing. I loved it. Yesterday our pastor asked us to practice something more important than paino. He asked us to pratice our faith. The Lord immediatly brought to mind this blog. I know that many of you have read my blog faithfully and get the idea that Brent and I love the Lord with all of our hearts. Through the good days and bad days, I hope after each time you read the updates that we post, the message is always clear that our constant is our love for the Lord {more importantly really - His love for us and everyone}. The Bible tells us, that He is faithful, even when people are not. But, then I started to think, there maybe one person out there that reads this blog and has no idea what we are talking about or that they never have asked Jesus to be their Savior. So, before we go one more day, let me take a second of your time and ask you to keep reading the most important blog entry I have ever done and as I introduce to you our best friend and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Jesus isn't just a historical figure that came and changed history {though He did do that for sure}. He was fully a man/human being and fully God at the same time, that came to this earth in order for you and I to be able to have eternal life. You see, God is such a Holy and pure God that we as sinful {sinful: offending God, not living up to His perfect standards, turning our backs on His love and plan} humans are unable to come to Him because He is not able to be have anything unholy in his presence. We are all unholy. That causes us a problem. A really BIG - eternal problem when you stop and think about this.

Before Christ came and died, the Israelites would have to give (an animal) sacrifices and a variety of offerings to keep in right relationship with God and others. The sacrifices also preserved the the holiness of God's presence in their lives - a symbolic cleansing. There had to be shedding of blood {the lifeline for all living creatures ... including people} for sins to be covered. Can you imagine having to do that today? Each time we lie, or think a bad thought, are jealous, envious, yell at your kids or at your husband. We are so busy, I don't know when we would have time to sacrifice animals, too. The offerings/sacrifices of the Old Testament were not intended to remove or forgive sin, rather it was a preparation - pointing to the reality of the coming Messiah. The Old Testament and New Testament teach that animal sacrifices were not intended to save people from their sins or get them to heaven. Rather, salvation has always been a matter of faith ... faith in Jesus Christ - the Messiah, His sacrifice for all people. For God so loved the world, He sent His son Jesus as a baby. After 33 years, Christ died on a cross {though He was perfect in every way, never sinning} for your sins and mine. He came and lived a perfect life and died the death of a harden criminal for sins that he didn't commit. But that one act of sacrifice made it possible for us to live eternally in heaven with our God. That is really GOOD NEWS {that is what Gospel means} when you think about it, amist a lot of bad news we hear on the news day by day. The reality is, we live in that relationship today ... here on earth, not having to just wait for heaven.

So what do you need to do about this? The same thing Brent and I did years ago. We realized that we were sinners. We knew that we both were headed to hell because we were not perfect and fell short of God's glory. Only those who have no sin could enter heaven, unless you have asked Jesus to clean you of your sin. That was the best day in our both of our lives. Do we deserve this? No. In fact, it's funny when I hear people talk about life isn't fair. They are right, it isn't fair. It isn't fair that people spend eternity in hell. WRONG. The unfairness is that people spend life eternally in heaven. We all deserve hell because we are full of sin. The Bible {in Romans 3:23} says all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. The only way to resolve this sin problem is to ask Jesus to live in your heart. The Bible also shares that Jesus is the only way to God, the only one who can provide forgiveness, true peace, true purpose in life for here and now, the one who created us and loves us, and knows us the best. The one who wants to be in a personal - intitmate relationship with us all. You can begin this relationship right now by....

A - Admitting to God, you are a sinner and have sinned {it only takes 1 sin to be a sinner ... all of us have done this for sure} and need His forgiveness.

B - Believe God, that He sent His son, Jesus Christ to be the final sacrifice for all sins. That what Jesus did on that cross was for you personally. He died for your sins and God rose Him from the dead 3 days later. Ask Jesus to forgive you of your sins and ask Him to be your personal Lord and Savior.

C - Confess with your mouth, that Jesus is Lord and Savior what you believe in your heart and what He has done for you, personally. Tell somebody.

We love each of you and hope that you will take this step of faith today. If you have questions about this post, we would love to hear from you! Make 2009 the year that you secure your future in eternity!

Cute Toes

2009-01-16T12:03:00.003-05:00

Do you ever feel like sometimes you just need a nice spa day in order to give yourself a little boost? Today is that day for me. Even if I am having to give the nice lady quarters to pay for a little spa action, I think that is one of the things that will give me that boost. I have tried not to get on here and be a downer, but to be honest, there are so many days that I feel down. Brent, being my voice of reason, tells me that it is natural for lots of people our age to start having babies and that I shouldn't be surprised with each announcement. He's right. (he did not say that to be insensitive, just wise!) It is less about being surprised, but more of a small sting to my heart when I hear that God has blessed someone else with a baby. Stupid I know. There are days that I can handle hearing the mundane tasks that my friends are doing with their own children, but there are still days that I want to scream and tell them to stop talking about their children and be more sensitive! I AM SO SO SO SELFISH. I know that. I know this sounds horrible too. Then I start to remember that it's not about me or how I feel, but more about what the Lord has planned in my life and in the lives of others. Isn't that what I tell people all of the time? When I tell others that same advice, I mean it!!!! In fact I shared this very week with a family that when we have these symptoms of depression and pain and we submit to that, we allow Satan to creep into our lives and we begin to doubt the Lord's plan for us. We begin to lose faith. I am not saying depression isn't real or that we should not be allowed to have depression. Depression is real (I am a therapist, I would go out of business if I didn't say that!) I know the right answers, but there are just days that I feel like a good quiet time sitting in a chair getting my toes done, begging the Lord to heal my heart and give me the strength to make it one more day would help a little bit! It may give me the strength to celebrate with others in the goodness of the blessings in their lives. Today, it seems like if someone was pampering me a little, maybe it would be a little easier! Ever feel that way? (If I hadn't worked out so hard all week long, I would add a little bite of chocolate with that too. But, I am NOT going to give into something that I will regret tomorrow!) We are celebrating Brent's bday tonight at his favorite resturant and watching a movie as well. His bday isn't until next week, so I am sure we will get to celebrate again, but I think I may need to do a little extra today to get into that celebration mood! I hate being so selfish! Lord create in me a clean heart!

NO ITCHING HERE

2009-01-05T14:20:00.005-05:00

I can't believe it has been 7 years since Brent and I said "I do." I have considered us newly married for so long and now finally realize that we are not the newly married couple any more. They said that 7 years means the 7 year itch! I see no itching here for sure. I think if we can make it through all that we have been through in the 7 years and still love each other more than we did on our wedding day, we will stay scratch free! For the fun of it, I thought I would attach a copy of our story that Brent wrote in our program. I can say this for sure, if I had to marry you all over again baby, I would do it again and again and again! So glad I have you to "Do life with!"

Today is also my sister's birthday and our puppy Wrigley's 4th bday! Lot's to celebrate for sure.

Happy Anniversary Baby! I love you!

Our Story

Hollywood often depicts love stories as an easy formula in which people operate in unrealistic “love at first sight” problem free worlds. We know reality is different. Every real life love story is unique and special while being made up of several key components. The most important key in our relationship has been the love of God found only in Jesus Christ. This is our story………….

While stepping out in faith and attempting to follow the Lord’s leading in their lives, two people left almost opposite ends of the country to arrive in New Orleans. The young man came from west Texas while the lovely young lady traveled down from Maryland. The two bright-eyed, optimistic, eager students entered orientation at New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary full of questions and hope. Each were consumed in individual thoughts and concerns, wondering what this new chapter life would entail. While sitting in an orientation session, the two met. Appearing to be an ordinary introduction – all of Heaven applauded. You see God has a plan for their lives and knew exactly when the two would meet.

Shortly after the orientation, the new school semester began. The two found themselves in all of the same classes together. Through mutual friends and ordained circumstances, the two began interacting outside of the classroom as well. Instantly, the two hit it off and the connection was made! Well, not exactly. However, after a misunderstanding that led to a deep all night conversation – the relationship took on a new level of respect.

After weeks and months of spending time together in and out of class, the friendship grew stronger in mutual love and respect. Through a variety of trials and tribulations as well as joys and triumphs, they found their friendship to truly be a gift from God. In the early spring of the next semester, each began to analyze their friendship at a close look. Both agreed to remain friends only in order to preserve the uniqueness of the relationship. However, as the summer rolled in things began to change.

While in Brazil, she began to realize her love for and desire to commit to him. She also began to pray and ask God to give her confirmation and peace in this direction. He remained in New Orleans eagerly awaiting her arrival back to the States. Upon her arrival, he began to realize how much he missed her and wanted to be with her all of the time.

In the beginning of the fall semester, they could no longer deny their desire to pursue their relationship on a deeper level. As he began to tell her how he felt, he decided to wait. He feared the exploration might jeopardize the friendship. So they waited, sometimes patiently, sometimes not so patiently. Finally, as the semester drew to an end, after prayers and much confirmation, he initiated the conversation. The couple shared their love for one another.

The relationship continued to blossom over the next year and on a horse drawn carriage, the couple got engaged. Now we have arrived at this moment. This is the day where we make our love and commitment to each other public and permanent. We thank God for how He has loved us and allowed us to meet, become best friends, and marry as life partners. Our prayer for you, our treasured friends and family, is that you would personally and truly know how wide and deep and high is the love of Christ Jesus for you. That you would follow in the footsteps of the One who loved you enough to die for you.

And so, today, with thankfulness too great for words, we stand before Him and promise ourselves to Him and to each other… for life. We praise Him for the simple joys of life and complex sufferings as well that draws us to Himself and a future spent together.

Brent and Jenna

Welcome 2009

2009-01-01T16:51:00.002-05:00

Wow, I can't believe it is already 2009. What a year it has been. Looking back at all 2008 held for us is sort of overwhelming. One year ago, Brent and I were up to our elbows painting our little house (that is an understatement) and coaching basketball. This year New Years was a little more low key than that. Today we spent the day resting and relaxing instead of working on house projects. It's nice sometimes to just stop and be. Of course there are the obvious reasons that we are glad to be saying goodbye to 2008. But at the same time so much happened in 2008 that has changed our lives forever. I had big hopes that our grave marker would have already arrived and been placed in Carter's grave so that we could start 2009 as a fresh new start. But again, that was a Jenna plan. I could begin to list tons of goals that I have for myself and our family for this year and hope that many of those appropriate goals will come true. But, once again those goals belong to us. If I have learned anything in 2008, it is that my trust belongs in the Lord alone. I have no control over life or the events that occur in this world. Each day brings new choices, challenges, sorrows, joys and tests. Instead of focusing on what it is that I desire, I hope to make 2009 a year of counting the blessings we have and with each new day seeking the Lord's best for us in all that we say and do. It's one thing to say that we truly trust the Lord at all times. It is another challenge to live it. We choose to make 2009 the year that focus on living out our faith and seeking God's best. We will fail some days, and we will be a success some days. I pray that all that we do in 2009 will bring the Lord glory. WELCOME 2009!! We can't wait to see what it brings!

He did it again

2008-12-14T14:41:00.006-05:00

The memorial Christmas tree. Each person who died this year had an ornament on the tree

The sweet lady that was the speaker.

The end of a good week, that without the the saving power of Jesus Christ, would have been terrible. But several times this week, the Lord showed up, went before us and laid out the red carpet for us to walk on. We of course had our service on Tuesday at the funeral home, and ran into some friends from church who were there celebrating the life of their mom. Then of course Wednesday was such a great day for both Brent and I. I was able to eat lunch with very special friends and then I went shopping for the rest of the afternoon! I had a blast. While I was finishing my relaxing evening by taking a bath... (doesn't that just sound relaxing) Brent went to church in order to practice being a shepherd for the Cantata on Sunday. He is going to be the Shepherd that takes baby Jesus (played by our pastors granddaughter) out of the manager and off the stage. He was so overjoyed that he was able to hug and love all over that sweet 8 month old baby! (a little history with Brent and small children. He loves kids as long as they talk and are able to potty on their own!) This was such a blessing. Then he and I went on a Krispy Kreme run like we were back in college. It was such a blast.

To wrap up the week, we went to TWO Christmas parties on Friday (one for lunch and one for dinner). Both were special times with special friends and just a neat way to celebrate this season. Saturday night ended out week of remembrance. We had a candlelight service at the cemetery. Again, both of us were a little nervous about the night. WHY? I don't know, because the Lord provided again. A sweet family who were loved at our last church, lost their dad and husband this summer. As we were standing out in large crowd of people in the cold, I saw a lady out of the corner of my eye and realized it was my friend Ms. Peggy and her family. We didn't even know her husband was in the same cemetery. The place was so pretty with the full moon and all of the luminaries that surrounded the entire place. It really was beautiful. Brent and I both agreed unlike some cemeteries, this one is not spooky in any way. It is just peaceful! Each time we go, there is such a feeling of peace that overcomes you. There's the red carpet coming out again! Thank you Jesus for coming and taking care of every detail in our lives.

This is the entrance of the cemetery

Carter is buried in the section of the cemetery called "Devotion". This is the statue that is in the middle of that garden. (Each garden has a different monument.) This happens to be a bible with opened to the Lord's prayer

Carter's marker is still not in yet, but we still placed the candle on his grave.

All in one week

2008-12-11T20:33:00.002-05:00

The anticipation of this week has been much worse than the actually week itself. Of course we still have two more days before the week is officially over, but so far, so good. The week began with a special service we were invited to attend on Tuesday evening at the funeral home we used for Carter. It is a special Christmas service designed for anyone who has lost a loved on during the past year. We were so blessed how the Lord took care of so many intimate details down to the Christian run funeral home we used. During the service there was a wonderful women who shared about her journey since loosing her husband 6 years ago. She still got chocked up talking about her loss. She had been married for 51 years when her husband died. They also had a tree decorated with red ball ornaments that had the name of each person that died this year who the funeral home helped. It was precious. It wasn't so much sad for us, as it was just a sweet time of reflection.

Wednesday was the official date we were given that Carter was due. As my friend and I had talked about, it wasn't so much a day to remember or make a big deal out of, because the chances that Carter would had been born on that day, was slim. Although, now it is nice that my mind doesn't think I should be 7 months, 8 months of 9 months pregnant, but instead now I can personalize the fact that my little boy would had been 4 months old right now. At the same time, so far this week has helped me to focus on the moving forward process. We still have one more service to attend this week (I can't believe it was all in one week) at the cemetery. There is another candle light service at the cemetery this weekend. I do feel like Brent and I both in a much better place emotionally and looking forward to seeing what 2009 brings for us. We of course still have Christmas day, but I believe even that day will be okay. (I may be wrong). The hard thing is that I don't want others to forget, because we will never forget, but at the same time I like going at our pace.
I can not deny that Lord continues to show us His faithfulness in all areas of our life. For me, I feel such a freedom to do what is needed for me according to what I feel the Lord has for me right now. No regrets and no guilt involved. We have had so many things change in our lives this year. So many things that I look back and think why Lord did you do it that way. Then I look in the now and even look forward and see... that's why. There are still the days of jealousy, depression, hurt, pain, and even days when I feel forgotten. But.. those days getting less and less and I am seeing the Lords face more and more. The journey continues, just as He planned!!

Special Gift

2008-11-30T21:26:00.004-05:00

I wanted to include this in my last blog, but decided that it deserved a blog of it's own. My friend Jen had told me she was making me something special for my birthday. And she did as you can see from the picture. In her card she sent, she reminded us of the gift the Lord gave Brent and I the day we took it each other as man and wife. Although we no longer have our son Carter here on earth with us, what a gift it is to remember that we are a family, The Spears!! I pray daily the Lord will bless us again with more children. ( The funny thing about this gift is that Jen and I both have the same exact dishes, which are blue and I have a blue and white kitchen. So this gift was made especially for my kitchen.) Thanks Jen! I love you friend.

By the way... make sure to scroll down and check out my older post. I FINALLY posted pictures!!

Giving Thanks

2008-11-30T21:13:00.002-05:00

Thanksgiving, a day when we should feel overwhelmed with a thankful heart, seemed somewhat harder this year. This Thanksgiving was so much fun and such a special day regardless of what life we have lived the last three months. Brent and I spent the day at our friends grandmothers house with all of their family. There are some families that you spend time with at holidays and you feel like a stranger. But that is not how we feel about this family. They made us feel like we were supposed to be there. Brent and I both walked away saying how we felt so welcomed, warm and loved! Thanks Bullard/Ford/Cook clan. We love you guys. But like I started, it took a little more for me to be thankful this year. It is so easy to be thankful when times are going well and life is easy. I realized how tough it was this year to be truly thankful when I feel so hurt, sad and angry still. I know how much I have to be thankful for and how God is daily working on my heart to conform me to be more like him. Brent and I talked about how many changes we feel like we have been making in the last few weeks. I got a new haircut (just a little shorter and darker color), we have spent every weekend trying to clean out a new room in our house and get rid of whatever things we have not used lately. Brent and I both have been trying to work out several times a week in order to feel healthier. We are doing whatever we can to prepare ourselves and our lives for another gift the Lord would allow to have in the future. No matter what the rest of this year brings, we are thankful for the fact that the Lord is not done with us yet!

Ask me, don't ask me...

2008-11-15T21:53:00.003-05:00

This is my struggle. I can't tell you how many times in a single week the question, "Do you have any children?" comes up. I was reading another friends blog who lost her son as well, and the struggle she has with this same question. This past Thursday was a pretty tough day for me, and being asked this question hurts sometimes. Before we had Carter, this question was easy for us. No we don't have children, or while we were pregnant, I would just proudly say that we were expecting our first in December. Now... this question is so bittersweet. I love it when people ask me because I am able to talk about my Carter and share his and our testimony of what the Lord is doing in our life. At the same time, answering this questions makes people give me the look of pity or they get very uncomfortable and stop talking with me. I just hate that all of this is so awkward and hard to talk about. I did have one lady who confused me with another friend of mine and thought that I was pregnant again. It killed me to tell her that it wasn't me it was someone else. Of course people are just trying to be helpful, but several ladies will tell me that I need to just keep waiting and not get pregnant too soon. "Give your body time to heal." My body is healed and I can have another baby in Feb, unless the Lord allows us to get pregnant before then. But, I just don't need to be reminded of the fact that I am not pregnant today. Bittersweet.

So don't be afraid to ask me about my son, and don't be afraid if I cry. I will cry some days, but don't be afraid of my tears. Let me cry. This is how God is healing my heart! Thanks to all of you who go out of your way to love on me and to help me through this time. SO... ASK ME!!

Cardboard Testimony

2008-11-15T21:44:00.004-05:00

Front Side of Cardboard

Backside of my cardboard

Thursday was our last Ladies Bible Study at our church, for this year. To celebrate our time together we had a brunch (we had great food), a speaker who shared her testimony of how the Lord loved her through a very difficult time in her life, and Cardboard Testimonies. I was asked to take part in this testimony time. I was doing great with it. I even was able to read what was on my card without any tears. Well, until I had to get in line and walk on the stage. Here I was again, some place I didn't want to be, sharing a story I didn't want to have as part of my testimony. Bittersweet.

For those of you who do not know what Cardboard Testimonies are, let me explain. (You can also find some examples on http://www.godtube.com/) Several people write on one side of a piece of cardboard an aspect of your testimony (ususally is some bad or a tough situation that the Lord brought you through). Then on the other side of the card, you write what the Lord has done in redeeming that situation. ) For example, one of my friends wrote that "She was a teen mom faced with a choice." She brought her daughter with her who held up the other side of the cardboard that read, "glad for the choice my mother made." Another friend wrote "Mischarriage July 2008", on the back it said something like "waited on the Lords timing and pregnant due April 2009". I took a picture of mine and posted it below. When I got on the stage, I wasn't able to look at a single lady because they were all crying by then. It was really a sweet time of sharing. Back on August 10th, the day after we lost Carter, Brent was supposed to share his cardboard testimony in Sunday School. Never did we imagine that we would get another chance to share and that this would be our story. But... we are on a journey and the Lord does have a plan and it is good.

Vera Bradley

2008-11-15T21:27:00.003-05:00

November 6th I turned 35. I knew it would be tough to be 35 but without Carter, it was terrible. I cried most of the day. I was depressed and frustrated and it didn't seem like my birthday. I was so looking forward to my bday this year knowing I was going to be pregnant and would be getting ready for his/her arrival at any time! I wanted to have children before I was 35, but I had at least had the plan that I would be 35 and having my first baby. Anything less than that, just wasn't make me feel fulfilled.

I am a gifts person. When I take Dr. Chapman's love language test, I test high on getting gifts as my love language. After the day I had, it was such a treat to receive the special gift I had specifically asked my husband for, for my bday! (I emailed him a picture of this purse and talked about it all of the time so he wouldn't forget!!) Brent not only gave me the purse, he even bought me a bday cake and wrapped it up. It was pretty funny. He took me to dinner the next night to a restaurant called California Dreaming. We had a special time. The big thing was that he tried so hard to give me such a special weekend regardless of how sad we both felt. It was so sweet. I love you honey.

On that Friday several of my special girlfriends from church took me and my friend Lisa to breakfast at our favorite breakfast place, Mimi's. (Lisa's bday is the day before mine. She is just a little bit older than I am, but to keep our friendship, I will not share her age!! She is a youngster though!! Love ya Lisa) One of my favorite gifts I got that day was from another friend Lisa. Lisa had helped me dry the flowers from Carter's funeral and has been helping me turn them into a wreath. We had so many flowers left over, Lisa took the roses and babies breathe and put them on a small wreath with a little mirror underneath the wreath and a candle resting on top of the mirror. (check out the photo below) On the candle, she engraved Carter's name and birthday. It was so thoughtful and special to me. So although that was not the bday I had wanted, I walked away feeling the Lord's love through my friends and family. I also felt that I will one day celebrate a birthday again with the joy and excitement I have felt so many other times.

Sonscape

2008-11-15T20:45:00.004-05:00

Up close deer (we saw 100's of them)
Our group

This is where we ate our meals and fellowshipped

Brent feeding the ducks

Wow, I can't believe it has been so long since I have blogged. There has been so many times that I have thought that I needed to blog something we had been doing, and just didn't have it in me to actually write. Many of you read about our little vacation that Brent and I took for Labor Day weekend. It was such a treat to be offered the opportunity to go out of town, but the vacation itself was not what we needed. A few days after my last blog (middle of October) we received a phone call from some very very precious friends of ours who live in Texas. This couple will never know how much they minister to us in so many little ways even though we don't get to see them very often at all. (We love you guys!) Anyway, they called and told us about a special ministry to ministers that allow you to go and be loved on for a week in the mountains of GA or the mountains of Colorado. We quickly prayed about this opportunity and then began working out the details. The retreat is called Sonscape and is located on the campus of Berry College in Rome GA. They only have this retreat a few times a year in GA. The retreat is designed to give couples a week or lots of free time in order to reconnect with the Lord. There is a couple who works for Sonscape that leads the actually retreat and does 4 days of teaching and then about 6 hours of counseling with each couple. The retreat begins on a Friday and last until the following Friday. They didn't even have church for us to go to. (We both love church, but the time to just spend with the Lord and not be obligated to a church service was so sweet!) The couple that lead our retreat just so happened to be (stay with me here) my best friend Jen Jordans neighbor when she lived in Indiana. This just added to our excitement. We left our sweet Wrigley with a friend and off to Rome we went. Jeannie and Bob. Additionally their is a host family that cooks all of our meals and takes care of any other needs we may have had. Joe and Mickie were our sweet host! We will never forget them for sure.

I really thought that I had been doing so well since Carter's death. I was back at work, I was able to tell his story many times without crying and was actually beginning to smile again. It was like the minute we stepped foot on the campus, the flood gates were open for me and I didn't stop crying the entire week. I had stuffed the pain and anger I was feeling away so that I was able to go on with life. Being out in the woods where you are alone with your thoughts and surrounded by the Lord's creation, true feelings begin to come out. My just kept coming and coming. I felt bad for the other couples who were with us. I am sure they think I never stop crying. I needed that though. I realized that I am so MAD and so ANGRY that I lost my little boy. I am still not at my due date yet, that makes me mad. I still have friends who are fearful of talking to me, that makes me mad. I have lots of people I know that are pregnant and have recently gotten pregnant and that makes me hurt. I am not mad or angry with the Lord just at how much this hurts. I hate feeling angry too. I had hoped to skip that emotion. I know I had fooled several friends who felt like I was doing well (because I told them that). But I wasn't and there are still a lot of days that I am not. I wish some days I could just stay in bed. I wish come days I didn't have to walk past an empty crib. I love holding friends babies, but hate that it isn't my baby. I hate the looks that I get from people afraid of what I may say or do, but hate that people don't ask me how I am. I am so glad we had the chance to go to this retreat so that I can begin to stop and figure out how to move forward.

I have so many other things to blog on, but to keep attention... I will break the blogs up into pieces. I will post pictures of SonScape later.

Light a Candle for Carter and others

2008-10-15T11:40:00.004-04:00

Today is October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. At 7:00 pm everyone is asked to light a candle for all of the families that have lost a baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death. I know that there are an insane amount of families who have lost children this way. We will light a candle in their honor and as a way of remembering our son Carter.

Carter - your family misses you and does feel comfort that you are playing in heaven and being loved on by Jesus today. It's been a little over two months since you have been gone and it still feels like yesterday. Lord I want to thank you for each day we had Carter in our lives here on earth. Thank you for the joy I had as a mother to get to know him in such a special way. Lord you are good!! Thank you for the blessings you have given us so far. We are so thankful for all of our friends and family that continue to donate to Carter's memorial fund at North Metro FBC child development center. Carter will always be our "little missionary."

Moving Forward - October 15th, 2008

2008-10-07T23:28:00.004-04:00

I had seen several people's websites talking about October 15th being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I have tried to ignore the idea of it because it sounds so terrible to me. Next week is my best friend Jen's birthday and her son's birthday. I really wanted to try and just focus on those joyous occasions, but it seems I can't get away from the reality of the events that have occurred in my life. I get so frustrated when I get taken over by these feelings of anger and hurt. I feel as if I will move several steps forward and then all of a sudden, something will hit me like a hammer and there I am back where I started, living the events of August 9th all over again. It is getting easier to talk about. In fact I can talk about Carter and like to talk about him. But on my terms! Isn't that sound so selfish. It is selfish, but I feel like I have earned that right to be a little selfish for a little time. I still have several friends who are going to be delivery within the next month. I even have a friend who will be having her daughter tomorrow. How bittersweet. I so badly wanted to tell friends how excited I am, but it's hard some days to go up to my pregnant friends knowing that should still be me. Each night when I go to bed, I think maybe tonight will be the night that I won't have a dream or nightmare about Carter. Maybe tonight will be the night that I will go to sleep and wake up and still be pregnant not knowing the sex of the baby that I am carrying. Then I wake, only to realize, the dream is really a reality.

I have laughed again. I have dreamed again. I am looking forward to the day that I can tell my husband we are having another baby. I feel ready to be pregnant again. Not to replace Carter, but to move forward. The Lord continues to fill my life with some many lessons of His goodness and His grace. I am trying to each day remember to trust Him. Each day I am trying to seek to grow closer to His heart and seek out His voice to hear what He desires for me.

Recently Brent and I started to attend a new Sunday School class at church. This was a tough decision, as we had been in our other class for the past year or so. The class had grown so much that they had "birthed" a new class and the time felt right for us to move "up." We are now trying out a class with couples closer to our age. The one thing that God has blown me away with is how in our last class, there were so many girls having their first babies, just like we were. It was perfect timing to be able to compare and talk to the girls about our experiences. After losing Carter, I struggled going back to the class because I did not want to have to face the reality of the fact that life changed so much for us. So after the second Sunday in our new class, we have already meet two families who also lost children in a similar way that we lost Carter! Isn't it just like the Lord to bring you the people you need when you need them!!! Others who have walked in our shoes. I found this poem on the website that tells more information about October 15th, 2008. This speaks to what I feel on so many days! Karen and Jen, maybe instead of lemons I need to go out and buy myself a really UGLY pair of shoes!!!

"An Ugly Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable Shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the other one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in the world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have work the shoes so long that days will go bybefore they think of how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

My Famous Family

2008-09-28T22:58:00.003-04:00

Okay so not quite famous! But, several months back my family (meaning my Mom, Dad and sister,had the chance to go to Poolesville MD to be a part of the TV show Extreme Home Makeover. My family lives just outside of Poolesville in Maryland. I wish I would have had an opportunity to post or send out an email to watch the show tonight, but my mom had just mentioned the show would be on to me last night, and to be honest, I had so much to do last night and today that I forgot until we were leaving church this evening that the show was even on. We came home from church in time to see the second half of the show. Brent and I don't have any of the high tech TIVO stuff, so we didn't get to tape the show. We did make it in time to see Kara on the show twice. She also shared with us tonight that she is on the website of the home builder. The website is http://www.classicextreme.net/photos_day6.htm Kara is in image 6 of 41 on day 6. For those of you who do not know her, in the photo you are getting a side view of Kara. She is on the far right side, right in front of the tall gentleman that has reddish hair. You really are seeing Kara's left ear and the fact that she is smiling. What neat once in a lifetime experience they got to have.

Mr Brent and Cody ... hit the circus tour

2008-09-27T22:49:00.005-04:00

Well, not really - just went to the circus ... and HAD A BLAST, come on! I like that, "Mr. Brent" ... sounds like a Monk episode. My original intent was to share about the circus experience a lot earlier in the week, especailly after my lovely wife put the pressure on. However, I have been inspired by great bloggers such as Jen and Karen - legends in the blog world in their own right ... by their "Wordless Wednesday" entries with pictures. So, I thought I would try a "Wordless Week" entry with photos.

Ya, my wife is not buying it either. Truth is: it has just been a busy week.

The pictures are from the circus, Cody and I had the privelege to attend earlier this month. Wow, if Barnum and Bailey Circus comes to your town, GO. Jenna secured us tickets several months back and I have to tell you, the circus has come a long way - I am serious they do it right, it flowed. From the traveling Frenchman - who was hilarious, who not only emceed the event but could ride a bike about the size of my tennis shoe in circles and through a circle of fire to the dancing Dachshunds moving in sync {Wrigley - not so much cut out for the circus I'm afraid ... just not her lot} to the acrobatic stunts to the angled Archer who could not miss - are you kidding me - how did he do that ... to the elegant elephants {sitting on each other, mind you - ohhh looked painful - really did} to the makeupless clown performing a Matrix like stunt with a pole coming toward him. Yes, that is what I said too, "makeupless" clown. I know - the perfect circus, right?
It was sort of redemption for me. The first and only other time I have been to a circus, was when I was a child ... and the clowns came around before the show to gather any willing and excited children to go down on the floor and meet the crew/animals. Well, I was neither - willing or excited. In fact, I freaked out and stayed close to Mom. Over the years, I have regreted that decision and wondered what would have happened, what would have been, how would my life be different today. I mean, would I have taken more risks, ventured out more limbs - would I ever by able to trust people, people with makeup/wigs and large red noses? Questions never answered, but I really did regret - so, it was pretty cool to get to go onto the floor with Cody and see some of the crew before the show ... makeupless clowns, I love it!

Cody is probably one of the coolest kids, I have ever known, I mean he is really a 22 yr old trapped in a 6 yr old little body, he is funny - I tell you. Throughout the night, I was reminded that he was only 6, though. I guess it was when he saw the vendors walking madly around with several ... several ... several mulit-colored bright glow sticks and the children all wanting one {good ole' supply and demand at its best - tugging at the heart strings of every child in the stadium ... is there a law on this type of price gouging with these type of products ... I mean I can understand the gas price crisis we are facing here in Atlanta, may not like it - but at least understand the basics of it ... but swirling light toys {that they tell you will look so wonderful in the dark when the show is going on} that will in reality only be tossed in the air for a few hours in a dark stadium for a circus event ... only to be tossed into a closet among other well thought out marketing exploits to sit for years...unless of course, you do E-bay like my wife and so many others, than there is at least a positive return on investment}. Ok, ok - enough about economics - what do I know - it took me 3 times to pass Finance in college, I am serious. But, I did graduate with a Marketing degree - so it drives me crazy when I see these gimmicks, ok - enough. But Cody really wanted one - but once the traveling Frenchman came onto the stage he had moved on and was having more fun helping me take pictures with my cell phone so we could send over to Mrs. Jenna
... or when we went to get our snack during intermission, the Lion shaped - snow cone cup for $12 bucks - what! His little 6 yr old mind had to have it ... but, we agreed to share a pretzel and coke {had some great popcorn when we got home, too}.

My sweet - creative wife ... put a booklet together for Cody to gather autographs from the crew and for pictures of the evening to go into. Cody loved it. All in all - great night. Whew, no wonder I never blog, this is timely - but fun.

Best time

2008-09-24T10:41:00.003-04:00

I have asked my husband to give a recap of his Friday night special date. He has said he would. Until he does (this is his incentive) I will post a little teaser!! Wish I was there.

Showing off their tickets

Fist Pumping
The BIG TOP!!

Waiting for their ride home

Change

2008-09-15T20:57:00.004-04:00

I hate change! So everything that has happened in the past month, has been that much tougher for me. I was just getting used to the changes in my body, our lives, the fact that I was pregnant, the idea of being a mom, taking on the roll of mom and wife, and the idea of all of the additional upcoming changes that would occur. I hate change so much some times, that even when our pastor at church has to go out of town and doesn't preach on Sunday, I do not like that change and look forward to having him back preaching again. I hate when Brent has to go out of town, or when my favorite TV show is supposed to be on and it isn't because of a "presidential debate..." you get the point. Typically the change ends up that it is a good thing or at least at some point something I am able to deal with and can learn from. But... I still just do not like it at all.

Then there are days that I welcome change. I changed the look of my blog today (and spent more time than necessary on doing the change and I took Jen down with me! Sorry Jen I was responsible for "wasting your afternoon, although I had a blast doing it.) I like to get up and just go and do something that is different from what we had planned for the day. I like to change my hair (color and cut some times). Some days I welcome change.

This week has been that for me. On Friday I had my hair cut and colored by my sweet friend from church Tina. I got so tired of the grey hair poking through and the frizz mess that kept happening. My friend Tina was so sweet to do me a favor and do my hair at the last second. On Saturday, which is usually the hardest day of the week for me, because that is the day Carter was born, we had planned on staying home all day long just doing nothing. We woke up to discover Wrigley's allergies were out of control and that we needed to make an emergency visit to the vet. She was fine, and needed some cortisone to get her over the hump of allergy season. Funny story: while we were in the vet's office, I had a crying breakdown. They had taken Wrigley back to be weighed and Brent and I started to just talk. I totally broke down crying. About the same time, one the vet techs, walks into the room and tells us Wrigley will be right back. It was funny because I had to try to convince her that I was not crying because of Wrigley. I didn't want to share with her what was wrong and how I was just sad. The sweet lady gave me a box of Kleenex and asked one more time if there was something she could do. I thanked her and said that it had been a tough time for us right now, and that I would be okay. There you have it, my first official, embarrassing public breakdown. There will be more of those I am sure! And that is okay. We are so afraid of people crying and often don't know what to do when they do cry. I have learned that it is okay for others to cry and that we don't have to feel uncomfortable when others cry. Just let them cry!

After coming home, and lots of crying and emotions running very high for me, we decided that we would head to the Gwinnett County Fair. Our plan was to go and get a funnel cake and just see all that they had. The fair is okay, nothing special, but was the distraction that we needed that day. Brent and I both struggle doing "fun things" that cost money because of how much it has cost us to have Carter and all of the other things that have come with that. At the same time, we have found that we have to get out of the house and do fun stuff or we will both be depressed. After the fair, we had dinner and walked around the mall to work off the funnel cake!!

As another week begins for me, as I take on a few more clients this week, I am trying to focus on myself and what it is that I need! I have been talking to a special friend of mine who is also in counseling for some additional advice on how to continue to seek the Lord in all things! What an encouraging word she gave me was to try and spend time doing for me and relaxing. Brent and I both are seeking that time for ourselves alone and with each other. Brent has a special date planned for Friday night with a special friend of his. His little friend Cody (who is 5) and Brent will be at the Circus on Friday. It's hard to imagine him doing that with another little boy and not with Carter, but it is a joy to see him be able to spend that time with Cody who he loves so much. (Cody is a big fan of Brent's as well. Cody lost his daddy in 2005. Since this past spring he and Brent have formed a special bond and love doing things together! I can't wait to hear all about their time at the circus! Sure wish I got an invitation to go, but it's a boy's night out! Maybe next time.

My heart

2008-09-10T21:56:00.005-04:00

I have shared on this blog a few times already about a new friend I have made since we lost Carter. My new friend Casey Chappell, (I went to college with her husband), they lost their son Asher on August 9th as well at 9:08 pm. (I'd like to think Carter and Asher are friends in heaven. I love how they both have such cool names!!!) Casey and Dan also have a blog that they have been sharing what the Lord is doing in their lives right now. Casey has this poem on her site that describes in words, what is in my heart. I couldn't help but copy it and paste this poem here. Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since I last held my little boy (many don't know that Brent and I had the chance to go to the funeral home before Carter's funeral and see him in his little outfit given to us by the hospital as well as take pictures and hold him one more time. That was such a sweet sweet time for both Brent and I. It was hard to leave knowing that I would never see him on earth again, but such a blessing to see him dressed in a little outfit and to be able to talk to him by myself outside of the hospital). I miss him so much. Each day I look more forward to heaven. I have been taking a class on Thursday mornings at our Ladies Bible Study at church called Heaven. I learn more about Carter's new home each week. Each week I walk away and desire heaven more and more. Not only to see Carter, but to just live in a place where there is perfect peace and to have the chance to do nothing but worship. What a day that will be.

Here is the cry of my heart right now. Thanks for continued prayer and for continuing to read my ramblings.

Missing you....

Dear Lord, one precious baby there with You belongs to me- A perfect, tiny wonder whom I long so much to see. So recently within my life my baby took a part; And yet, my baby holds so large a place within my heart. Today that place is empty- just a memory there Of sweet anticipation of a life I'd hoped to share. 'Twas You Who took my baby home to be with You above; Please may my empty, broken heart find comfort in Your love. Remind me, in my loss, the child I love feels only gain- For You saw fit to spare my child from sorrow, fear, and pain. No tragedy will ever fall upon this little life, No lonely moments, no distress from unkind words or strife. Nor shall my baby ever feel the struggle from within, For in my baby's heart today there's not a trace of sin. Oh, loving Lord, Who chose to spare my child from all of this, When heavy is my heart, just let me glimpse my baby's bliss. And may I joy in knowing that my baby is with You-- For living in your presence is what I, too, long to do! So from this day, may this my new anticipation be: One day I'll see my baby who went home ahead of me! -author unknown

Your mommy misses you Christopher Carter Spears and I look forward to a day when I will be able to be in the same place as you again. I hope to hold you again one day (if the Lord allows) but am comforted to know, if I can't have you in my arms, your safe in stronger, safer arms than mine! Thank you Jesus for holding my baby boy.

Time flying by

2008-09-08T20:10:00.003-04:00

It was four weeks on Saturday since we lost Carter. Tomorrow is actually September 9th, one official month already. Time is flying by. That first week it felt like time was standing still. I keep wondering in my mind how will I feel a month from now? Would I make it to a month? Would this pain in my heart force me to stop breathing? I feel like for that to have happened, I would have given Satan glory. I refuse to allow Satan anything!! I want the Lord to be given all of the glory for anything that we feel and any special day we make it through. This weekend, our good friends the Bullards, had us over for pizza and a little "Wii" action on Saturday night. I am so glad that we got to do that, so I didn't focus on the day. Although, the funny thing is that, Lisa, Steve, Brent and I were all together four weeks earlier in the hospital together. I yelled for Lisa to and asked (well maybe screamed) for her to come hold my hand while I was in labor. Some how it brought comfort to be with the same family, in a different setting, a few weeks later.

I am excited that tomorrow I will be going to north GA to be with some other ministers and their wives for a "wellness retreat." Again, it will be good to have the focus on other people besides myself. I have found that some days giving to others or just being around other people is helpful. Of course, I still have several days that I just want to be alone at home. That is okay too.

I shared with Brent how much I enjoy going to church each Sunday and look forward to it and even find corporate worship very comforting. At the same time, it is privately so hard to be there. Carter used to kick me like crazy all during the worship service. Not just during the music, but during Dr. Cox's sermons too. Sitting in the service, just being still, is hard for me. This again is another way that Brent and I experience things differently. I would mention to him that I was being kicked, but he never felt it or experienced that feeling like I did. As time passes, I feel like I am going to forget what it feels like to carry Carter inside of me. Right now, it is still fresh in my mind. I still find myself touching my empty stomach, wishing I could feel one more kick. I am so thankful to the Lord that I was able to carry Carter for as long as I did, and was able to experience that feeling of him moving, turning and dancing inside of me. What a joy I will be able to cherish for a lifetime!

I went back to work today for the first time. The Lord has brought me several new clients that are experiencing situations of grief as well. It's neat to be able to really know what they are going through. Of course at the same time, I would give anything to remain ignorant on the "true feeling" of the subject. I continue to pray that the Lord uses me in whatever way He desires, so that I may see a glimpse of His plan. "Lord continue to draw me to yourself and show me more and more of your plan. Help us to be a light in this dark world. Help us to take every opportunity to share you to this lost world."

We had two incredible messages on salvation in church yesterday. It's so important in this time of "hardship" in the world today that we share a message of hope... the message of Christ. This is my prayer. I pray that the Lord will use Carter's life, and our lives, to minister to others and to take ALL opportunities to share HIS name.

How Did I miss that?

2008-09-06T09:05:00.003-04:00

I had the best day yesterday with friends at the Yellow Daisy Festival. It's the gigantic arts and craft show (this women's dream!) at Stone Mountain park. My friends Lisa, Lisa, Cheryl, Cindy and Karen all went and spent 6 hours walking up and down the booths looking, buying, and laughing. I had no idea why I had not gone before now. It was so good to get out of the house and have some fun. I do have to admit, that I saw some incredible cute baby items that I was so tempted to buy because I kept forgetting that I was not pregnant and would not be needing some of those items. BUT, I do believe that God will give Brent and I another baby and sooner than we think. We are praying believing that God will continue to work another miracle in our life.

Labor Day part 2

2008-09-01T22:48:00.005-04:00

Wrigley trying to get her ball. She hates the water so much, she is leaning in to get her ball, trying to stay as dry as possible.

On the bay at the Marriott Grand Hotel and Resort (they let you come use their beach access even if you are not a guest!)

If you look close, you will see the watch says 9:30 am and we are eating lunch at Whataburger. We were not going to let this hurricane ruin our lunch plans on Sunday at Whataburger.

Brent has been really excited about getting Wrigley in the ocean and having her chase her ball and just swim around with him. This was his attempt at getting her to play. (As you can tell, she is not a water dog at all!)

Labor Day Weekend

2008-09-01T22:36:00.004-04:00

Here are a few pictures from our weekend in Silverhill, AL. (try finding it on a map. Population is only 790. Well there were 793 with Brent, Wrigley and I this weekend)

Brent's first time in 4 1/2 years in Whataburger. This is a happy boy. Jenna got to go in February when she went to visit her friend Jen in Austin.

More Whataburger

The Lord provided for us this special treat of a massage. It was much needed.

Felix Fish Camp on the Pier outside of Mobile. Brent always compares every seafood resturant to the restuarant he worked at in New Orleans. He rates Felix, as the best seafood ever!!! This is big for him.

Notice the small print at the bottom of the screen telling us to get out of town! Gustav is coming.

Vacation Cut Short

2008-09-01T12:36:00.003-04:00

After a nice drive down to Silverhill, Al (just a little north of Gulf Shores, AL) we spent all day Saturday at the beach, getting pampered and eating at the best seafood restaurant we have ever been too. It was a full day, but fun for sure. I wouldn't say that it took our minds off of life, but it was a wonderful distraction. Brent and I were both so excited about our plans for Sunday and Monday morning. This trip, was bittersweet, yet a MUCH needed time away. Gustav did ruin our plans. After dinner on Saturday night and seeing the worse case scenario (bumper to bumper traffic) we got up around a little before 5 am and was out of the house by 6 headed home. Both of us were very disappointed after we had the whole weekend planned out and was beginning to look forward to spending the time together and being distracted.

Our trip home was uneventful. We hit a little traffic, but nothing what we had expected. We did stop and eat lunch at Brent's favorite restaurant, Whataburger. The funny thing was, we ate lunch 9:15 am! We felt so confused all day long regarding what time each meal should be. (We kept feeling like we shouldn't be hungry at 3 in the afternoon for dinner!!) We both were exhausted and felt stressed out and on edge after the "drama" of having to leave so quickly. OF course the long drive home did not help our stress level. It is always great to be back at our home in our own bed. The only problem we have now of course is that when we come home, reality hits us again. It was three weeks ago on Saturday that Carter died. Time is slipping away so fast. I still feel like it was yesterday.

I got a phone call over the weekend from a dear friend of ours. It was incredible to be able to talk to her. She shared how she too had lost her first born son (35 years ago today!) It was so neat to speak to someone who really understands how I feel. It was like she was in my head and anything I was thinking or struggling with, the Lord was using her to remind me of His word and the message He has for me.

We have to take life one day at a time. In fact, we have to take life one minute at a time these days. God continues to teach us so much. We keep praying that we are learning all that He has for us to learn.

Praise and Prayer:

Praise:
Three times we have received a bill in the mail and the next day we have received the money to pay for the bill

Our short weekend away to the beach

Jenna's body continuing to heal

Family and Friends who have been so kind and loving on us

Prayer:

Continue to pray for us to trust the Lord as bills beyond our means continue to come in

Brent and I continue to draw closer to each other and seek heed help from others when needed

Continue to pray for God's timing and healing for us to seek out the time to have future children

God continues to use Carter's life to draw us and others closer to Him

Carter's memorial fund will continue to minister to other families in our community

Prayer for Jenna who will HAVE to go back to work next week. Pray that as I minister to others, I will allow the Lord to minister to me and do my job that will honor Christ.

In the Middle of a Storm - Literally

2008-08-29T23:06:00.005-04:00

We were given the opportunity to go to AL. near Gulf Shores for a brief get away from life as we know it in Lawrenceville. It is funny that I kept feeling like life was very much a hurricane the past few weeks. Everything has been moving so fast and has been overwhelming and feels like a dream. One minute I feel peace (the eye of a storm) the next minute the flood gates are open and nothing makes sense to us. Our hope was to take a retreat from "life" and all of the normal activities that we take part in. But being here is so peaceful (the little town we are in is so quiet. There are only 790 people that live here, and my mind begins to replay the events of the last few weeks, it hard to just be still and not continue to "do." It doesn't appear that we will be affected by the actually hurricane where we are staying, but of course that could change tomorrow. I keep trying to seek the Lord and all that He is doing. At the same time, there are moments still that I just want to ask the question why. Not that I shouldn't ask why, but I don't want to go down that road and drive myself crazy. In my mind I know God is good and this isn't punishment or that there is a totally logically answer this side of heaven. At the same time, I try to avoid touching my stomach and feeling so empty, but how can you avoid doing that? For the first few week after Carter's death, I had been looking forward to other babies and saying, how quickly can we have another child. I still feel that way, but I also get so mad that I just can't have Carter. That I just can't hold Carter one more time. That I can't have a new picture of Carter to put up on my wall.

On the other hand, I am doing a bible study at church on Heaven by Randy Alcorn. (I had not planned on taking this study, but it seemed appropriate and what the Lord wanted me to do this semester). I am seeing heaven in a whole new way. The idea of heaven and the concept of heaven is still overwhelming to me, but it is more clear to me now. The more I am understanding God's Word the more comfort I feel. (isn't it amazing that even after studying the Bible for almost 5 years in seminary, there is always so much more to understand and learn! Thank you Jesus for that! This is why God and His Word is grander than our finite imagination)

Today Wrigley, Brent and I had a wonderful drive to Silverhill, AL. We stopped and ate at Brent's favorite fast food restaurant, Whataburger. They are mostly located in Texas (of course) but there are a few here in AL. It was a treat for sure. Carla, was the lady that took our order and was a sweet Christian women. She is from the same city Brent graduated high school from. There was another lady in the restaurant that was from near by that same city. It turned out, Carla's husband owned the Whataburger and was going to have to sell the restaurant soon. He was looking for what the Lord wants him to do next. He is an ordained SBC minister. It was so neat to hear this families story and take my mind off myself for just a minute. Especially since there have been days when I am in a store or just driving down the road and want to tell people who are rushing around, laughing having a great time... What are you doing? Don't you have a clue what we have just been through? This is why it really was uplifting to talk with our new friend in the Lord! Thank you Lord for these reminders of your goodness.

I have some great pictures of Brent eating his lunch. I will post them when I can get to my own computer.

I know we will have good and bad days. Anytime I experience additional change, I have a bad day. (regardless of what is going on in my life, I am not a person who loves change!) My weepyness sometimes takes over and I will cry over everything and anything. I pray that tomorrow will be more relaxing and that God will continue to provide comfort for my soul.